Long term panic disorder, agoraphobia, depression and social phobia: really need help with a very difficult fight
Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2016 2:31 pm
Hi everyone
I'll keep it brief for now.
I'm a 26 year old female from the UK. I'm completely isolated with these conditions and it feels like all I've ever known. I've had hospitalisations as a teenager for depression. I'm a fairly intelligent person who used to be curious and care about things -- at one time I thought I was going to do lots of things and make the most of my life, but I have just been consumed by these illnesses in a world full of people who ave hardly any idea what they even are.
I've been almost totally housebound with panic disorder/agoraphobia from the age of 18, which I should still find terrifying and astounding, but at the moment I'm just numb to it all. I haven't had friends on any level since I was about 18. The social phobia returned full vengenance after a slighty more manageable period and I quickly developed panic disorder, when every second outside the house or around people was marked with that absolute terror and torture that is panic. I didn't even get a break: it just seemed constant, and the actual 15-30 min panic attacks I get are not really that different from how I feel all the time. I often feel that I was just one of those people that were born 'weird'. I'm recently pushing for tests to rule out being on the autistic spectrum as I never really knew why I've had this intense fear of people since childhood and always felt so different all the time. I see no-one day in day out. I had one person in my life at one point, my partner who really was just incredible and did everything he could but had to give up a couple of years ago and left me. Right now I'm studying with the Open Uni which, alongside the fact that I get financial support for these debilitating mental illnesses, is the one good thing in my life.
I don't want to kill myself. I want 26 to be the start of my life where I try to build some kind of livable and fullfilling live for myself however I can. I want to get out there and make friends and be well enough to support myself and not be in this day-to-day hellish existence anymore.
Knowing how to do that is the issue. I get support from the mental health services, but the flat effect from the depression, and the panic and social fears make it so difficult to talk to and cooperate fully with them, despite trying desperately to. My parents have really tried recently and I feel that they're suffering from burnout and feel helpless. But until I can deal with this panic disorder monster and the terror of people that stops me from being able to make connections I don't know how anything can change. I am literally unable to say a word to another soul except from my parents and support worker. I live this hidden life and I'm sick to death of pretending that these illnesses don't really exist and having people not realise how serious it all is.
I've been forcing myself out, on my own several times a day recently. Every second I feel full of this deep dread, physically filling my insides until I actually feel like I'm drowning in it. I'm trapped in this fog, and barely have any idea of what's going on around me. I get this partial paralysis from the panic which gets worse the closer I am to other people. It feels like there's a force field coming from them which sezies up my muscles the closer they get. Sometimes part of me feels outside my body. I get all the panic attack-type delusions of losing control in different ways. I can't think properly. I can barely speak. Sometimes I feel like my brain's actually going to explode and I often feel like I'm going to die. I can't feel my legs, or they ache like I have the flu. Usually the only thing that 'soothes' me when I'm in that horrible state is imagining jumping off a bridge.
I've been trying to get to the library all week. I get about half way into town until it is physically and psychologically impossible to get any further. I am in total agony. My mind can't even imagine me going further, even if someone blindfolded me to reduce the stimulus causing the symptoms and pushed me in a wheelchair. I keep returning and usually can't get much further than the first time. I think about what other people have done at 26 and think how I've basically spent eight years either at home or venturing out to get to the local park or shop. It would almost be funny if it wasn't totally heartbreaking and alienating.
I was in touch with someone on a different forum and was speaking to him regularly but I think due to how scared and lonely I was, I was putting to much onto him. We had good conversations but he was probably too kind and accomodating. We were talking totally as friends but his wife got upset (which I feel awful about) and so we don't speak anymore. This felt like one lifeline and now it's gone. I obviously can't throw myself onto people, but I can't get well in this situation, totally on my own. I want to remember who I was and think about who I can be. I can't give up, but I desperately need help. The thing is, you need to have something to offer to make friends and so when something consumes you the way it has me you're out of luck.
Thanks for reading.
I'll keep it brief for now.
I'm a 26 year old female from the UK. I'm completely isolated with these conditions and it feels like all I've ever known. I've had hospitalisations as a teenager for depression. I'm a fairly intelligent person who used to be curious and care about things -- at one time I thought I was going to do lots of things and make the most of my life, but I have just been consumed by these illnesses in a world full of people who ave hardly any idea what they even are.
I've been almost totally housebound with panic disorder/agoraphobia from the age of 18, which I should still find terrifying and astounding, but at the moment I'm just numb to it all. I haven't had friends on any level since I was about 18. The social phobia returned full vengenance after a slighty more manageable period and I quickly developed panic disorder, when every second outside the house or around people was marked with that absolute terror and torture that is panic. I didn't even get a break: it just seemed constant, and the actual 15-30 min panic attacks I get are not really that different from how I feel all the time. I often feel that I was just one of those people that were born 'weird'. I'm recently pushing for tests to rule out being on the autistic spectrum as I never really knew why I've had this intense fear of people since childhood and always felt so different all the time. I see no-one day in day out. I had one person in my life at one point, my partner who really was just incredible and did everything he could but had to give up a couple of years ago and left me. Right now I'm studying with the Open Uni which, alongside the fact that I get financial support for these debilitating mental illnesses, is the one good thing in my life.
I don't want to kill myself. I want 26 to be the start of my life where I try to build some kind of livable and fullfilling live for myself however I can. I want to get out there and make friends and be well enough to support myself and not be in this day-to-day hellish existence anymore.
Knowing how to do that is the issue. I get support from the mental health services, but the flat effect from the depression, and the panic and social fears make it so difficult to talk to and cooperate fully with them, despite trying desperately to. My parents have really tried recently and I feel that they're suffering from burnout and feel helpless. But until I can deal with this panic disorder monster and the terror of people that stops me from being able to make connections I don't know how anything can change. I am literally unable to say a word to another soul except from my parents and support worker. I live this hidden life and I'm sick to death of pretending that these illnesses don't really exist and having people not realise how serious it all is.
I've been forcing myself out, on my own several times a day recently. Every second I feel full of this deep dread, physically filling my insides until I actually feel like I'm drowning in it. I'm trapped in this fog, and barely have any idea of what's going on around me. I get this partial paralysis from the panic which gets worse the closer I am to other people. It feels like there's a force field coming from them which sezies up my muscles the closer they get. Sometimes part of me feels outside my body. I get all the panic attack-type delusions of losing control in different ways. I can't think properly. I can barely speak. Sometimes I feel like my brain's actually going to explode and I often feel like I'm going to die. I can't feel my legs, or they ache like I have the flu. Usually the only thing that 'soothes' me when I'm in that horrible state is imagining jumping off a bridge.
I've been trying to get to the library all week. I get about half way into town until it is physically and psychologically impossible to get any further. I am in total agony. My mind can't even imagine me going further, even if someone blindfolded me to reduce the stimulus causing the symptoms and pushed me in a wheelchair. I keep returning and usually can't get much further than the first time. I think about what other people have done at 26 and think how I've basically spent eight years either at home or venturing out to get to the local park or shop. It would almost be funny if it wasn't totally heartbreaking and alienating.
I was in touch with someone on a different forum and was speaking to him regularly but I think due to how scared and lonely I was, I was putting to much onto him. We had good conversations but he was probably too kind and accomodating. We were talking totally as friends but his wife got upset (which I feel awful about) and so we don't speak anymore. This felt like one lifeline and now it's gone. I obviously can't throw myself onto people, but I can't get well in this situation, totally on my own. I want to remember who I was and think about who I can be. I can't give up, but I desperately need help. The thing is, you need to have something to offer to make friends and so when something consumes you the way it has me you're out of luck.
Thanks for reading.