I'm not the O.P. to this thread ... (triggering material)

[specter]

Someone had posted some "doctor" advice as to why they are against antidepressants. It's not here right now, but this was my response to their post. That being said, I did not make this post to attempt to convince people to not take antidepressants, so I'm not being "insensitive" or "narrow-minded". Of course, I'm sure it's going to look that way.

(I love you)

--and people are going to hate me for saying that. Nonetheless, it's only my opinion. My perspective isn't worth much and it's usually overshadowed by other people and the status quo. Anything that is popular usually trumps me a thousand-fold.

My personal stance with depression ... is that it's possibly the least painful emotion I have in my life at this time. I do not want to do away with my depression. I intentionally hold onto it for good use. This isn't something I expect to change, either. This is the way my life (seemingly) will go until the day it's over. When that will be, I do not know. No one does.

Emotions that I have that are worse than my depression:

1. Despair

2. Deprivation

3. Emotional neglect

4. Terror

5. Grief

6. Guilt

7. Self-punishment

8. Self-loathing

Depression is like a sad misery that lulls me into not caring about above emotions. They affect me because I have them, but they do not bother me as badly because of depression. Were I to not have depression, I'd probably go over the deep-end entirely. My self-esteem is not fixable because I hate myself. It's sort of like a snake eating it's tail. I think you would have to first want to love yourself instead of hate yourself before you can then work on having good self-esteem. Wouldn't it work in that order? I'm uncertain. Anyway, this is how I perceive my own life. I'm sorry it's come to this, mostly because other people see me as an embarrassment for even having problems, despite the fact that my whole life has been nothing but a problem. My personality happened to follow suit. I'm sorry that I exist because every single person I have ever known has ended up regretting they knew me. No friends, estranged relatives. Sometimes it ends up being this way -- it's life.

[BeagleMom]

Specter, I understand completely!

I told my Therapist last week that when I'm depressed, I feel. It's painful, but at least it's feeling. And it's familiar, if not completely comfortable.

I feel like my life is a sham, because people do believe in me. It would almost be easier if they didn't, because then I wouldn't always have to be scared that they'll discover the truth - that I'm a waste of oxygen.

I take meds because without them, I self harm. And that offends other people. It's easier to take the stupid pills than to listen to the judgement of others.

[specter]

When I feel depressed, I feel the other emotions less. It's a way of dulling the other feelings, without being less of a feeling.

People seem to want me to believe in myself, but this is only a handful of people, namely doctors or mental health professionals. There aren't people in my life who are a positive influence. Sorry to say that, but that's how it goes.

Self-harm is a big part of my life. I don't take drugs because I'd rather self-harm. That's ultimately my reason for not taking them. It's to the point that I self-harm almost every single day. My self-harming offends people big-time, but I hide the marks I leave on my body. Dealing with doctors with my self-harm issues worries me because of the actions and words they have for people like me. It's never my intention for them to see the marks, but if they do, then they do, and as for my main doctor, I don't allow her to see underneath my clothes.

I have a doctors appointment coming up. I have no choice but to explain the marks to them, and they are really, really bad. I'm going to attempt to do this before she sees me, preferably over the phone.

Let's hope she doesn't contact anyone or pull any strings to have me penalized. Fingers crossed.

[100footpole]

It is interesting to try to determine cause and effect between the first list:

-self-esteem
-lifestyle
-coming to terms with the past
-resilience
-compulsive behaviours

and Specter's list:

1. Despair
2. Deprivation
3. Emotional neglect
4. Terror
5. Grief
6. Guilt
7. Self-punishment
8. Self-loathing

Let me re-order and comment on the Dr's list:

-coming to terms with the past

The past is where it all starts isn't it. Since we can't control our future we definitely can't control our past. Our sense of empowerment comes from our experiences in the past. Which brings up:

-resilience

This word is where talk becomes cheap. I think where therapy helps is to give us the cognitive tools to build a feeling of resilence. If you continue to do the same thing why do you expect different results? Because of:

-compulsive behaviours

I still have behaviors (Hi Specter! This American spelling is in your honor ) left over from when I began self-harming as a teenager. Why did I begin self harming? Because it was something that worked. Why do I have remainders of the behaviors? Because if I work too hard at living a healthy lifestyle I begin to experience:

Terror
Grief
Guilt
Despair
Self-loathing

-self-esteem &
-lifestyle

These two parameters are linked. Somehow my self-esteem is tied to the choices I make for my lifestyle. If I change my lifestyle too much the emotions above kick in and I start making "negative progress". See my comments about going back to my prescriptions.

Because of my past I begin to experience feelings of:

Deprivation
Emotional neglect

When I was in college my best friend and roommate went home for a long weekend. While he was gone my tendencies got out of control and I attempted suicide. I kept my research materials, and a few years later looked at them and saw that my plan did not coincide with the research, which I took as a hopeful sign.

Ten years later I talked to my roommate who said that when he got back he went and talked with my therapist, and felt the guy was putting blame on him for not being sensitive enough. This is a lesson that I apply at home. My wife DOES NOT deprive or neglect me of emotional support, but she has made a lot of sacrifices, and I need to consider the pace of my lifestyle changes with her needs.

In summation, the biggest self-destructive behavior I have left is my nicotine addiction. Last summer I moved to vaping and pills, and began to decrease those doses. When I had my last breakdown cigarettes provided me my only relief. I smoked up to 15 a day, and worked my way back to my current 6 cigs a day. Last June I was at 3 cigs a day before I quit buying them (A pack lasted a week). In late July or early August I got off my pills, and began to reap the benefits of losing the side effects were tiredness, and the blunting of normal emotional response. But, it took just a few days for my anxiety to go from not-noticeable to intolerable. It happened so fast that I can't really identify the trigger, other than it was the start of the holidays which I can't stand.

Moving forward, I plan to change the steps to: Stop smoking, limit my nicotine, stop my nicotine, AND THEN start to limit the drugs. In addition, I think that I will get back on the drugs before the times of year that trigger me until I have a lifestyle that it healthy and I have maintained for a few years.

[BeagleMom]

For those of us who are in intimate relationships, we have to remember the effect that our illness has on our partners. 100ft, I'm glad you mentioned that you get emotional support from your wife. Good for her! My husband does not give me a lot of emotional support. He says he doesn't know what to do when I "get like this" (aka when Depression hits hard). His answer for himself is to walk it out. That isn't the answer for me. For me, some emotional support and physical touching - just holding me - would be so welcome. But he can't give me that. All he can do is natter at me to get out of my chair and go for a walk. So the divide between us gets wider and I get more depressed. I am learning to turn to others (Therapist, Pastor, friend) for encouragement and support, but darn it, I should be getting that at home. It's all a very vicious cycle.

[specter]

This is why I'm not going to get better. It's something my doctors don't seem to comprehend. No emotional support = little chance of improvement.

Not going to get better. Have to accept that.

[nenkohai2]

My "fantasy" doctor for managing my depression and anxiety would be one who incorporates all aspects - nutrition, spirituality, as well as traditional techniques of talk and cognitive work.

I've been with my doc for something like 12 years. He is not a warm and fuzzy guy; MAY have compassion - I'm not sure; can be, at times, judgmental. We never discuss nutrition. And we only discuss spirituality in the framework of what is accepted as normal (i.e. "religion"). Professional help could be so much more than what it is or what we are willing to accept.

I think that professional doesn't really exist. I haven't found him or her in my 20+ years of treatment and therapy. I wish...

[specter]

What I need is serious human contact. Professionals exist only to do one thing: their job.

I need someone I can hold at night. I need someone I can completely open with and not suffer any kind of repercussions. I need someone who loves me and wants to be around me and is willing to help me when I need them.

I also realize that I will be doing this in return. I realize that this is a health form of love.

[windsong]

((((((((((Specter))))))))))))

Sorry was not the moderations attempt to make it look like you were the author of the thread.

The original post was removed as it was against the professional rule (we don't allow professional claims)

And it had a link to their website and we don't allow advertising

Sorry if you felt it made you look bad was not the intent at all. I am placing triggering material back in the topic because this thread (not necessarily your post talks about self harm).

Thank you for understanding

[specter]

I got it, it's fine.

((waves)) Been a while since I've seen you. Have a nice Friday.