Depression Understood Forums

Hi, this is the first time I’m using a forum and it’s just because I feel like having an anonymous place to spew my guts would be a good idea right now. Also, I apologise for the length…

I am English but grew up in the Middle East, and didn’t move to England until I was 18 and going to university. Being an expat seemed to come with the ability to make friends with anyone else who was an expat over there, so, growing up, I always had good friends and a pretty active social life. However, all of that changed when I moved back to the UK; I foolishly thought that I would be able to integrate into this society with ease and that I would meet loads of cool people “on my wavelength”, and I would enjoy many mind bending adventures with them in my new, independent life away from home. Holy shit, I could not have been more wrong. It is really isolating feeling like a foreigner in what is supposed to be my home country.

It would most likely take bloody ages to go through all the crap that got me to where I am at now, and I don’t want to write a novel here so I’ll just skip ahead.. At this point in time, I’ve been in England for 7 years, I’m living with my boyfriend and my dog in a very small, boring town in England, I have no job, no friends here, and I haven’t been in contact with the couple friends I did have for about 2 years now because of the shear embarrassment of my life (plus my mum still lives abroad and I’m not really close with my siblings who live elsewhere in the country). My boyfriend works a full time job and when he gets home he is usually working on personal projects on his PC or playing video games (also on his PC), so I get to see a lot of the back of his head and not so much face time. A lot of the time, having him around makes me feel even more alone because I feel like a useless ghost, plus the guilt of holding him back in his life hangs over me too.

For at least a year now, I have desperately wanted to have the courage to just end my life but I am too scared to do so because of the pain I might feel or the possibility of messing it up and ending up with a completely screwed brain and in no position to reattempt. I am not religious and instinctually feel like there is no afterlife to blissfully wander into so the fear of dying is even stronger with the thought of entering “nothing” but I just don’t know how to help myself. There are a few (and I mean a few) things I want to do but my brain is in a constant fog that I find it really hard to do tasks that require brain power. I live in a small studio flat and only really get out to walk my dog and to pick up food. My days are spent simply trying to pacify the loneliness I feel and trying to not let all the bastard intrusive thoughts get too loud in my head. I sleep late and will even force myself back to sleep just so I can dream – I know it sounds melodramatic, but in dreams I get to do things and be with people; it’s kinda my version of going out. When I’m awake and my boyfriend is at work, I have gotten into the habit of talking to, what can only really be described as, imaginary friends; there have been many times when I stop and think “Seriously, I’m messed up, I’m full on entering the realm of crazy!”, but I still end up doing it.

I have always been a bit shy but was always able to get over it fairly quickly and it never posed a problem, however, I now have a full blown case of social anxiety that is stopping me doing ANYTHING! I walked out of my last job because I had a panic attack from dealing with angry customers (it was a call centre position) and I don’t come across very well in interviews; my voice trembles noticeably and my mouth talks without communicating with my brain first (I once told an interviewer that I disliked sales people; it was an interview for a sales position). The problem is that all of the jobs that I am able to apply to are probably what you would call more extroverted roles. I was doing well on my degree course but my social anxiety got so bad that I more or less stopped going to uni and ended up with a 3rd after getting merits and distinctions on my assignments in my first 2 years.

I barely notice the months passing and I feel mentally paralysed; I’m a complete burden on my boyfriend and I find it really hard to put across how I feel to him. I’ve talked about it, and occasionally it seems like he gets it but then the next day he’ll just call me lazy and tell me I’m basically choosing to be this way. It really pisses me off as, seriously, living like this isn’t benefitting me in any way, I’m just watching my life pass with no good memories to look back on and no real future to be excited about. I used to be the type to be out of the house most of the time and would be making ridiculous plans for all the stupid shit I wanted to do, so why would I WANT to be the way I am now?!

I didn’t mean to write this much, and I haven’t covered everything but yeah, I suppose the bottom line is that loneliness and social anxiety have royally messed up my life. I went to an “up its own arse” private school where everyone else is off pursuing actual careers and I’m just a broken loser; I could not show my face at a reunion or anything like that as it would be way too embarrassing. I guess that what I really want is to just feel numb and be robotic; suicide is such a scary thing to face. I use to self-harm to calm myself down when my emotions would erupt. Over the counter sleeping pills run such a high risk of failure; it scares me to think what might happen to my brain if it doesn’t work.

Is there anyone else out there that can relate to what I’m saying? I’m sure there is.. I don’t really know what to expect from this, or even why I’m really doing this. I just don’t know what to do. I wish I could be productive but I don’t have it in me. I can’t stand being on my own anymore.

Thanks for taking the time to read this crap.

I am probably not the one to be supporting or giving positive advice, but I have to say I can relate to a lot of things you are talking about. If I'm off base just ignore my ramblings.

I am glad that I don't live anywhere near my high school, I really don't have much to show for. But really I remember being happiest the less I was tied down. That's not a cop out. I truly was happiest when I was living out of a duffle bag, sleeping between freind's couches or wherever else I could find. I hate the material crap that I've accumulated.

Anyone who spends a lot of their time alone staring at walls will start talking to themselves, (or whatever). I know I do. I tell my brain to shut up all the time. It's really awkward when I accidentally do it with others in the room.

Being emotional and sensitive is good. Just don't let the dark thoughts win (as mine usually do). I can't stand being around boring people who "have it together". I'd much rather hear from someone with genuine emotions and feels. There is probably a subconscious reason you let it slip that you hate sales people, that job might have been completely wrong for you.

Society is cut-throat and soul crushing, no doubt. We have to be better. Not let them win. Be who you want, and don't deny your emotions from yourself.
But whatever you do, don't go anywhere near over-the-counter stuff for self harm or even experimentation, the agony is enough to kill your soul. I truly never felt lower.

Hope things look up, next time you think of harming stop and give a shout. Sometimes just having another human to vent on is enough to get over it.

Yeah, I totally get the feeling of "happy when not tied down" that you're talking about - I find one of the most depressing thoughts to be the idea of basically knowing what to expect in life. As a kid, I always wanted my life to be one big adventure - the whole idea of settling down, getting married, buying a house, having kids, and so on, was just too regular and not exciting or fulfilling enough.

A couple of years ago I had a therapist for a few months who told me that the majority of his clients were middle aged men who went and got the wife, kids, house, and safe career, who just felt like they had wasted their life. He was telling me about how one mistake so many people make is following the "life check-list" that our society has prepared for us, and in actuality, soo many people end up finding that kind of life to be unsatisfactory - enter the mid-life crisis..

Are you still in a position where you spend a lot of time alone? Do you work or anything? Thanks for your reply by the way, it's nice to have someone talk back

Writing here is a great first step toward getting better.

There are many things you can try to become less lonely ... One of the things I am doing is to help some elderly acquaintances. They are judgemental, they are suspicious, and they have memory problems. For instance I offered to take one of them to the Dr. on Wed. Their appointment was on Thursday, they insisted that the reminder had said Wed., but they had deleted the message from the phone. I took them back on Thurs.. While we were there they told me that they thought that the clinic was a medicare scam. Later they called me to tell me they smelled smoke in their apartment.

I do not want to get sucked into this person's world, so I have told them that they need to have their relative give me a call so I can feel comfortable helping them. The issue is one of control, this person wants to regain the feeling of independence, but doesn't have the faculties. When I talk to their relative I will not report on their confusion, instead I will request that the relative contact me to do a favor once a week. I will tell them that their parent is not a good planner, so if they could set up a morning with a list of tasks to do I could help their parent. But without structure I don't have the time to help their parent on demand.

This person is providing me with a sort of mirror. I know that I am in better shape than that person, yet they are trying so much harder than I am. Helping them gives me the confidence to take my own risks, but I worry that I will have to insult this person because they could bring me down.

I have come up with this plan after going back on my meds last November, it feels positive to me. Before this I was feeling exactly like this:

There are a few (and I mean a few) things I want to do but my brain is in a constant fog that I find it really hard to do tasks that require brain power. I live in a small studio flat and only really get out to walk my dog and to pick up food. My days are spent simply trying to pacify the loneliness I feel and trying to not let all the bastard intrusive thoughts get too loud in my head.

The meds helped me to be less in my own head, and to look for opportunities outside of myself. Let me know what your ideas for taking steps toward change might be.

This isn't helpful, I know, but I just wanted to make a post saying that I like your username. ... I really like it. And I can relate to the whole daydreaming/living-in-your-head type thing. I've habitually done that my entire life. Unlike other people, I do not think this is good or bad. I think it's a part of me and makes me who I am, so I won't go into saying "Oh, it's anxiety/depression related and I need to fix it." In fact, I don't actually believe in fixing anything at all. We think and respond to things in the way that we do for a reason. I'm not going to stop or try to change how I react or feel for the sake of other people. Daydreaming is a huge part of my life. I wouldn't have it any other way, whether other people like it or not.

Again, I like your username. Very pretty.

Spectre,

I agreee so much with your post that I have to contradict you and say I think it was helpful .

Knowing we are not alone can help us with this conundrum:

In fact, I don't actually believe in fixing anything at all. We think and respond to things in the way that we do for a reason.

It's only a problem because we say so.

Conundrum? Doesn't seem like one to me. . . .

Not sure what you mean. It's only a problem ... because the individual with the problem says it is, or other people?

Specter,

Instead of conundrum ... which implies an answer ... I should use the word paradox ... which implies there are many answers, none of them wrong to the people who select them.

We think and respond to things in the way that we do for a reason.

But free will is behind the genesis of the thought, and is the list of selections from which we choose our response. When we do the same things with the same conditions, WE ARE THE ONES WHO EXPECT A DIFFERENT OUTCOME. I have a friend who sets a random timer, and when it goes off he evaluates his position and tries to go left. To do something that he would not have otherwise thought of doing. His point is to try to escape fear. The reason for much of what we do is fear. By purposefully practicing doing things sub-optimally we learn that control from cause and effect is in itself a limiting solution. [/quote]

I often like to say that those who have to act on the need to control cannot help others because to control something is the opposite action of helping someone.

I like the way your friend thinks.

Anything that evokes fear in a person is a doorway to endless possibilities. Most people don't recognize this potential because the raw, primal nature to escape the fear is a survival mechanism. It does serve some type of purpose. The purpose, however, as you know, is limiting. It tends to lead to a limited life. When we try to control ourselves we become rigid and that further pushes us away from the life we are trying to live.