Hi to whomever is around here.

[SilentMomma]

Hi everyone, a quick intro. I am a mom of 2, in long term relationship with my youngest baby's daddy. I have been in and out of depression since I can remember. Even kindergarten I remember feeling depressed, outcast and desired isolation. I have never sought treatment or medication. I have trouble accepting help, with the belief I should be strong enough for anything and strong enough to take care of everyone. It's not true I know but I don't feel adequate asking for help. I may be manic depressive, my bf and all the self tests I've taken say I probably am.
Anyway right now I have been in a downward spiral for a few weeks. I keep expecting to get back to "normal" but haven't been able to yet. My self confidence and patience is almost non existent for the time being.
I am just looking for oothers who understand some of what I feel.

Thanks

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hey there SilentMomma. Welcome to the forums it's nice to meet you.

You've been hurting for so long and that is so unfair. Depression is horrible to deal with and admit that you have. I can totally understand how you feel about that but there isn't anything wrong with also admitting you need help through it. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of. You are as wonderful and beautiful and equal to every single other person out there who have never had to deal with it.

Your human. And to be human is sometimes the toughest feeling in the world.

I googled some names for you and I really hope that it helps you. Because I want you to understand that depression can happen t anybody. It can happen to family members , best friends , neighbors , even famous people.

Did you know that some of the most greatest inspirational people have had to deal with depression at some point in their lives ? Here is a list of a few .........

Angelina Jolie , Sheryl crow , Gweyneth Paltrow, Princess Diana , Abe Lincoln , Judy garland , J.K. Rowling, Winston Churchill, Isaac Newton, Mark Twain, Halle Berry, Jim carrey , Brooke Shields, Drew Carey , Billy Joel ...

Rest assured you are NEVER alone in this awful battle but everyday you deal with it also takes away from days that you can be happy. Think of how wonderful it would be when you don't have to worry about being depressed anymore. I really think talking to a professional could help you.

I hope that this helps a little. Go out and find that wonderful , beautiful person that you were always meant to be. don't let depression hold you back any longer !!!

Love and Hugs always !!!

[SilentMomma]

Thanks for the response. Honestly, I know how common depression is, I've encouraged others to get help, I just don't have the desire to share that side of myself with anyone. I suppose I have a fear of judgement. I would not even answer questions in front of the class when the teacher called on me in elementary school, I would fill up with anxiety and couldn't get a word out even if I wanted to (which, as a strait A student, I probably had no reason to fear anything). My elementary school report cards nearly all literally say "does not talk" and I went to 4 different ones, so it wasn't just because I had gotten a reputation.

But I have googled a million things about depression and such. I know my symptoms, can feel when it starts and try to adjust myself in public as much as possible. The self tests mostly say borderline manic depressive.

In the past I've been great at covering myself in public (I'm extremely non-social by nature and at work I keep mostly to myself, just get the work done and everyone should be happy).

Honestly, I used to like the ups and downs. I would use the ups as my fun time and in private I would do my , art, I would literally drive somewhere new, get lost, meet new people at new places then find my way back, my personal challenge lol. I would get a little social during this time, maybe hit up a couple parties (when I was younger) and exercising (now) or whatever and it was fun. Then when I went back down I would get my work done because I didn't want anyone bothering me, come home and curl up with a book or watching TV or write poetry, cook, whatever.

But, the last couple years I've been having more and more trouble covering myself at work. Have been showing my highs and being more vocal while my confidence is way up there, and people are noticing. The second downfall to that is I am acting on things while I am all confident and creative, just to fine when I come down that I've made mistakes. I know I know mistakes are human and I admit to every one of mine. But when you are already down and you find your own mistakes, and have to correct them in front of half the staff. I have put myself into these more "public?" positions thinking it would do me good to be out there in the middle of things instead of on the sidelines (I do training in my new position, been there about a year, for the year before that I was in low level supervisory position). Correcting yourself in front of others embarrassing and is sort of like being kicked when you are down, and I'm not used to it because I never used to put myself out anywhere multiple people would see my success much less my mistakes.
On a side note, in the last year I have gotten a TON of compliments and thank you's on my trainings, cause I try to write the bigger ones in my highs and they are fun and detailed and easily understood. Sometimes I just tribute the compliments to the fact that maybe they don't like the other trainers anymore so I'm just "better than the same old".

Honestly I went for the positions 75% for the money, I enjoyed being the unsung worker drone, except on my high days when I helped everyone else and they thought I was wonderful, lol. But my bf lost his job years and years ago and hasn't had any income since his UIB ran out years ago. Then we had a baby last year and my credit cards go up every month and I'm fighting to pay the bills.

Anyways, I don't desire medication, I don't even take Tylenol unless I have to, never had an epidural and my last baby was 100% natural birth.

I figure there must be ways to control things w/o medicating and like I said I've done well controlling myself before, notice things starting to go and outlet until the worst passes. I think I just need to find some more outlets or whatever.

I just seem to have obstacles (aside from just the ones in my head) whenever I try to do the things I know I should be doing.... and my BF has his own issues and assumes mine are similar and tries to do things his way, when they/we are very different. It's more frustrating than helpful when I am feeling all consumed and he wants to talk about everything (talking is hard for me, why would I want to do it when I feel bad already). Sometimes I just text him as things don't usually escalate the same when I do that, but he takes offense like I'm avoiding discussing things with him.

I just don't know how to fix somethings I guess, and it's hard.

[emily67]

hi silent mama,

i am also new on the forum.

it is very good to see that i'm not the only person who's just starting out.



welcome

[SilentMomma]

Hi Emily. Good to see you on here also.

[CrazyKiss]

Hi Silentmomma, welcome to the Depression Alliance site. I think Ive seen you a couple of times in the chat room so know a bit about u now.

I really do pull my hat off to you for being brave and mentioning ur story on here. This isnt easy to do but u have done good to open up so u should feel happy about that.

Im not sure wether ur seeing a counseller at the moment or getting any support from else where although I do think talking to a proffessional puts everything into persepctive by just letting things off ur chest.

I understand completely that u feel nerves about talking to anyone but if u could do exactly what u just did on here by opening up then that is a bonus. I feel like u could do with someone to talk to and because i dont think ur recieving any support then this may help u some way.

The best thing about it is u got ur family behind you and I know u are going through a hard time right now so why not stop for a second and cherish these moments you have without thinking about anything else for one second.

I do think u enjoying the finer things in life can help u with how ur feeling knowing ur around people who love you and not all the time take things too seriously. Maybe u could arrange a day out and go somewhere far away getting away from it all. I really do think u could do with having a break if you get chance.

Im not trying to get u to think that life is all wonderful and good because I know it isnt. There have been bad problems happening around the world which u already know on the news etc. You can only think to urself that at some point life has to get better as u cant be feeling like this forever.

There is alot of positives I can see what u mentioned from introduction above and I want u to see that ur doing good. For you to have worked hard all those years from school to work have really paid off. You will have a very successful future. Well Done you!

Please dont let this take over you. I know u can beat this and things will certainly look up. You have so much to give as I can get better and better with what ur doing. This is ur chance to change for the good.

I know u do have a great family behind you even when u do have ur ups and downs and u mentioned about that, refering to your ups and downs. There's nothing wrong with that. We all do. This would be a good example to show them that u still love them no matter what happens.

This is only just the beginning to see where you would be in five years time. You can see that now and I hope you take this with you it being a goal or a good example on what this can be.

Only u can do this for you, there's no doubt about that. Have to do this for urself and that's it. There is always someone who knows how u feel. Showing to you that they are a good role model for you to look up and you will know u have something to focus on and achieve.

I think taking that first step can make all the difference. It's building up that courage to go out there to do it. This can help you see for urself. Need to find what support and help is right for you. There is ways in which u can do this what is beneficial and easy to do everyday.

Do reach out on here. There are people who understand and know what ur going through for sure. Your not the only one. I know.

I hope this helped?

[SilentMomma]

Crazykiss thank you for your response and support, it is appreciate. I have never been on the chat room here, but it is cool there is someone that similar to me here. I tried a counselor once and I didn'tllike it. Theykept jjumping to conclusions and the appointments were so far apart I didn't gget really any good help. Whenever I went I seem to have been in more positive moods, maybe fake, and they didn't understandhow bad it was. Kept aasking stupid stuff like, does your bf put the toilet paper on the way you don't like? Lmao I'm in the middle of nowhere it seems and there aren't a lot ofcchoice as to where to go that is covered by my insuranc.