Depression Understood Forums

Hi

I have had periods of depression in the past but have never joined any support type groups. I don't know how these really work so I'm trying to figure it out:-)

I resently left a very close friendship of three years. She and I were very close but as I got to know her better she began to tell me things I was doing wrong in the relationship that bothered or hurt her. She would say things like " after all the things I've done for you I would expect you to treat me better" or " you have a different value system than I do, maybe it's because you are an only child that you act selfishly". I guess these sound pretty average but the way she says things to me feel like emotional manipulation. If I don't do what she wants from me she calls me on it by saying I am selfish, that she is going to be distant from me for a while because of my behavior, or that she needs me to give her more support because that's what she does for me. I feel scared of doing something wrong because she will be mad with me and tell me I am a b-word, less intelligent than her, selfish...

All these times add up and I have ended up feeling like a horrble person.
I feel like I am a selfish person and I should feel grateful that she stays with me. I have all these feels but I also have anger towards her because I feel like she is using me, emotionally controlling me and all I want is to get away from her. But I don't know if I want to get away from my painful feelings and I'm putting the blame on her or if she is not a good friend for me. I feel horrible and I don't know how to process or go forward.

Hello,

Warm welcomes.

Sorry about your loss.

(((Hugs)))

Hi Bamboo:
Welcome to the forum.
Your doing it right. Just talk (write). It helps. Your might even get some insight from your own words or the words of others.

Sometimes people start a relationship with unspoken expectations. Over times they can begin to feel the right to act in ways they want even if they never asked or discussed their assumptions. This can happen especially when times become stressful.

People change. The only way I know of to keep a relationship strong (any relationship) is by talking. I know how difficult it is to assert my own expectations [I'm often better at giving advice than following it.] But the only way you two can reach an understanding is if you both have the courage to voice your feelings and expectations. It can end a relationship. People sometimes stay in a relationship for years rather than voice their frustrations or attempt change.

One way you might use this forum is to voice your own frustrations and expectations in safety. You can practice what you might say; what you might want to hear. You may find the words to help her understand.

Hello Bamboo,

Unfortunately not all friendships last, it is pretty common to grow apart. Some move abroad, sometimes people change, sometimes you change and you just need to let go when it is time to let go.

I have a friend who acts the same way your friend does. Not towards me but i have seen him do it to others, he makes the effort and when others don't do the same back he will lecture them. Many of our friends have cut him off due to his demands as they think he is "too much", sick of his guilt trips. Even their own girlfriends aren't that demanding and I totally see where they are coming from.

Friendships aren't business deals, there are no guarantees, and it won't always be 50/50 either. Some people give more than others and you simply have to find a way to work things out or find people who are compatible with you.

I don't think you are selfish at all, I'm sure that you have been there for her just as she has been there for you. I'm not saying she is wrong, she probably feels used but i guess that you both just arent compatible anymore. If she is having a negative effect on you then it is right for you to let her go, no need to feel guilty. Your paths no longer collide then you need to walk your own route, maybe you will cross each other again in the future.

There are friends who help you up but there are also ones who drag you down. I would rather have no friends than have people who pull me down. There are only so many hours in a day and I say choose to surround yourself with things that make you positive and happy x

Thank you for responding, it helps to know people are out there willing to listen:-)

Thanks too for the advice, I truely appreciate it.

It's important to me that you care enough to write about this.
Relationships; the way people treat each other. That's all there is to society.
For the most part I think we take it way too lightly in deciding how to live our lives.

So much individuality. So, so, much to learn; knowledge to cram into our heads; personal skill sets; job preparedness. How much time is left to contemplate how we live our lives each day? How do we treat each other?

^^^ I totally agree.
I know how it feels.