Where do I even start?

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Where do I even start?

Postby RainbowShadow » Tue Sep 03, 2013 3:44 am

[color=violet][/color] Hello. I'm 19 now and have been suffering from chronic depression since I was 9 years old. This was brought about because my older brother of four years told me his "sole goal in life was to make" my "life a living hell." And he did. He played many mental games with me & made sure I had no one to turn to because he chased away every person I tried to befriend by making me have a breakdown in front of them, handcuffing me through a fence to them, or other such things. He loved threatening me. He started when I was 7 & my parents knew about it. My mother just always told me she couldn't do anything about it. So I've grown up in fear & loneliness. He would threaten to hang me from a tree during hours both parents were at work, to kill my pet, to take whatever I cared about most at the time. So now ten years later, I've spent many nights sobbing myself to sleep or trying to calm myself down when I break into hysterics & hyperventilate. I'm just at such a loss. I have nothing left. I find myself incapable of connecting with people & am so afraid of their rejection, that I've given up trying. I used to thrive on reading & writing short stories but even those hobbies have been lost to depression. I've tried anti-depressants but they only suppressed the smaller feelings & enhanced suicidal thoughts. I truly don't know what to do. I can't see an end. Everything my brother did & said haunts me & since his fiancé moved in 5 years ago, I have yet to settle. I've worked for the past 5 years religiously just to avoid being home but everything still haunts me. And since I'm paying for college, I don't have many or any options but to stay here & convince myself suicide isn't the answer. It's getting harder though. Especially because my mother knows about all this yet tells me it's my cross to bear.

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Postby kittycatlover » Tue Sep 03, 2013 8:16 am


I am so sorry you are going through this.

Your brother sounds like a psychopath -- a person lacking in empathy and remorse, with no consideration for others.

You have mentioned your mother. What about your father? Where is he?

It would be great if you could get out of the house and find another place to live.

Also, does your brother still behave this way and does he do so in front of his fiancé? How old is your brother now?

Please do no internalize this. I know it's hard because it started when you were 9 and it feels like there is no other way. But I can promise you that this is not your fault and that people like your brother only bully those that they know don't know how, or are not strong enough, to fight back.

Perhaps this is a way out suggestion, but have you ever considered martial arts? or self defense class for women?

I was abused as a child, by my mother and my father, and my brother teased me horribly. I tried, but failed, to kill myself when I was 13. No one even noticed that I tried to kill myself.

As an adult, I went to therapy and began trying to figure out how to make sure these things never happened anymore to me. One of the things I did was take karate, and some other forms of martial arts. It is amazing how empowering self defense activities can be.

What I have found is that predators like your brother will back off as they see you are getting stronger. Also, you might be able to make some new friends in the martial arts community.

On your school campus, there is a good chance that there is a martial arts group, and it might not cost anything or it might not cost much.

I can promise you that you are angry deep inside, underneath the hurt. karate Gives you a wonderful way to target the anger, in practice, without actually damaging yourself or anyone else.

I hope this helps, at least some. I pray that you can hold on until you can get out and in the meantime, tell us how it is going.

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Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2013 4:27 pm

Postby Sheep » Wed Sep 04, 2013 8:37 pm

Hey Rainbow,

I think that as lost as you may feel, you are on the right track by reaching out to others. You situation sounds incredibly stressful and I imagine you feel very trapped. I understand what it's like to have your own house be the place you'd least like to be, and be forced to live with people that bring you harm. But just because you don't have the means to move out yet, that doesn't necessarily mean you have to be on your own in this. I'm confident that you can find people that will support you and help with your situation.

If you're attending college right now, there are people who work as counselors, or students who are part of a support group. It may be awkward at first, but these places are made for you to go and talk out your problems and receive help. Make others aware of what you're going through and don't do this alone.

Your brother sounds like he has very sadistic and psychopathic tendencies. Don't let anything he says go to your head. Keep your head up. You're so strong for putting up with this for so long, you owe it to yourself to let others help you out of it.

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