Hi?

[awkward]

Well... hello? I am 19, in a local university in Singapore. I guess I need someone to hear me out because none my friends like this side of me.. I am rather awkward with most of my friends even thou they don't think so. To them, I am always cheerful and optimistic about everything. However, the stress I am facing now is pretty tremendous.. I have no one to talk to in my family.. My sis finds me annoying, my dad is really tired from work and my mom suffers from depression too.. So, I don't want to add on any stress to them. I have this feeling of being a burden to everyone ever since I was a kid, and no one ever pays attention to me. Thus, I end up bottling everything up, plus I find it really hard to trust anyone..

My family is rather poor, and my parents had been discussing about not having enough money to pay for the house, right in front of me as young as the age of 10. I have been working really hard that my body is not able to withstand anything anymore.. In addition to money issues, I have not been a bright student(despite the fact that I managed to enter a local uni in Singapore), so I have to work really hard so as to ensure that my grades are on par with my fellow friends.. I sleep less than 5 hours everyday. I just feel that I am studying incorrectly but no matter how hard I tried to change, it always fail..

I am really tired. I wish to end it all. I know it sounds stupid and selfish of me to say I want to end it all because of these few stupid reasons.. I know most of the people would say, why not change your mindset? Why not start trusting now? Why not be a little optimistic? Why not have a little more faith in everything?

I would like to say, I tried. I really tried.. It is really difficult to get me happy for a day. Those fake smiles I have to put on everyday, so as to ensure the others I am fine, is really tiring. Plus, so as not to make my mom upset (because I have to do addition stuffs to cheer her up), I have to keep on smiling even when I am utterly upset.

I hate myself for not being truthful to my friend, whom may/ may not be sincere towards me. I hate myself for being so selfish. I hate myself for being so worthless.. The hate lists never ends..

Then I start to wonder.. Why am I in this world? What is the purpose? Initially, I studied really hard to get into a university because I wanted to earn lots of money and bring my family to a decent restaurant someday, make my parents proud of me, to make them feel that they have the best daughter in the world.. But one day, my friend asked, so what are your dreams? What do you want to do? and this hit me. Besides that, I have no goal in life. I don't have a dream.. I guess reality killed it and I.. I am just money-driven, that's why I chose the course I am in now.

Every now and then.. the urge of ending it all gets stronger as compared to the past few years.. I have been asking myself what is the purpose of being here? Why? But it would have been selfish of me to end my life. My mom will be really devastated and there are SO many people out there trying to live, while I chose to die when I am all right. I really don't deserve to live... why? why am still alive? This endless contradiction is killing me and I am tired. Tired from everything..

Every morning, I will wake up and ask myself, why am I still breathing.
Then again, I'd be selfish if I am dead. So, how? what am I supposed to do?

-Confused

[dougsan]

What are you suppose to do? Give in to the depression or understand its roots and fight it. There are many people in the forum, I'm sure, who will help you in your fight. How to fight? Talk with a shrink. Talk with people who are working on their depression. Simple? On the surface, yes. But ...

[awkward]

What are you suppose to do? Give in to the depression or understand its roots and fight it. There are many people in the forum, I'm sure, who will help you in your fight. How to fight? Talk with a shrink. Talk with people who are working on their depression. Simple? On the surface, yes. But ...

Thank you dougsan. I am trying that's why I came here after all these years... I find it really difficult to tell the others that I need help and I just feel that people don't really care.. They are just curious why you are like this and they won't even bother to help you after knowing the situation.

[dougsan]

Awkward, most people don't care. Why should they? Most people have no idea what you're living with or the challenges you meet every day. That's why this site exists. Hopefully, by chatting with some of these members you will find the support and caring you desire. May I suggest you read about us and then see if you can join someone in chatting?