Depression Understood Forums

Hi! I've struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens (over twenty years). I had a rough childhood--enough said. I was divorced once after I caught my husband cheating and then thought I'd found the one who might really love me for who I am. After putting him through school and incurring quite a bit of debt, he now has a job and last night packed and decided to leave me. Now I'm facing bankruptcy and perhaps another divorce. I can't help but wonder why I am so unlovable. I can't think of one good thing about myself right now, so it is hard to do an intro.

dustinthewind wrote:
Hi! I've struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens (over twenty years). I had a rough childhood--enough said. I was divorced once after I caught my husband cheating

From St8arrow

Does that mean that you had a job when you discovered that your first husband was cheating? In any event, I am glad that he either wanted a divorce or you insisted on it yourself.

From dustinthewind

--- then (I) thought I'd found the one who might really love me for who I am. After putting him through school and incurring quite a bit of debt, he now has a job and last night packed and decided to leave me. Now I'm facing bankruptcy and perhaps another divorce. I can't help but wonder why I am so unlovable. I can't think of one good thing about myself right now, so it is hard to do an intro.

From St8arrow

How about deciding not to castigate yourself and face up to the truth. Your second husband was a manipulator who used you to pay for his schooling and now that he has got a job, he decides to leave you with all the debt and move on.

I suppose I could ask if there were any signs along the way that he wasn't exactly as loving or caring as you wanted him to be. Or, as I continue to guess here, did your fear of loneliness cause you to look the other way at signs that now seem to be very obvious.

Part of the reason for guessing on my part, and to be honest with you, they are not exactly wild guesses, is to motivate you to come in here and be more specific about how this deceitful person was able to take advantage of you.

If you tell me that he was or is a wonderful personl, then he must be filled with guilt about what he did to you. In all probability he will not share such thoughts with you but trust me, he will think such thoughts and he will wonder if his next love is as deceitful as he is.

In most cases people that behave like he did eventually pay the price in one way or the other. They become overconfident and think most people are easily fooled until he meets up with some one just as deceitful as himself.

The bottom line in all of this conjecture on my part, is to tell you not to beat yourself up about the problems that you have had in the past. Come back in here and maybe, just maybe, we can help you to avoid such manipulators in the future. Welcome to this website. You are at "home" here with many peers and some who think they have something to offer after living for 74 years, which is my age at this present moment.

I really needed to hear from someone. I'm just spinning around in my head home alone. I teach and the school year is out.

I am really scared that you are right, that he used me and moved on. But you know the saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I am feeling like an utter failure as I thought that the family I picked would be a family that loved me. (I don't and can't have children by the way). What is wrong with me that I cannot chose a man who is honest and kind. I realize they both brought their own issues to the table, but I twice made what I thought was a life-long commitment to each of them.

I have been employed since I graduated college. I did insist on a divorce after initially trying to reconcile with my first husband.

Because of what I've lived through, I decided to be a teacher so NO ONE would have to go it alone. I thought it was part of my healing to give what was not given to me. Apparently, that has made me a bit of a sucker in the adult world though (but I hope a good and kind teacher--my "kids" know I love them).

Again, thank you for the reply. I just needed to "hear someone. I appreciate you!

Hi Dustinthewind. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the forum. You've had a couple of bad experiences with relationships but that says more about them than you. If you and your husband can't work this out, you should try if you want, produce evidence that you paid for all this, so that he has to pay you back, however it could back fire, and since you supported him, it could cause you to pay alimony if the place you live has it. You'd have to consult a lawyer.

Its not your shame, your not the one who cheated the first time, and you aren't the one who left the second time. I believe in trying to make things work, but it takes both parties to be willing to do that. It's not you fault.

hope it helps.

holly

Thank you Holly!

I never wanted DH to feel shame, so I was not forthright about our debt. On the other hand, he never asked, just kept spending. All the debt is in my name--it is not like it affects his credit at all. Meanwhile, I bought nothing for myself. Most of the clothes I wear are about seven years old, from when we first met. I know I need to work on boundaries, because I can be sucked dry.

I have thought the same thing about alimony. I'm going to have to put that all into a "cross that bridge when I get to it" category because I cannot afford a lawyer right now. As it is, I can hardly afford the bankruptcy lawyer. Who knew it cost so much to become destitute.

I appreciate, and wish I could believe, that it was their faults. And while I'm not the one who cheated or scammed, I have to own some part in the relationships. Twice now, I've chosen poorly. Maybe it is partly because I have no idea what normal is. My parents are still together, but my mom should have left my dad for many reasons, many times over. I figured love was opposite of that, finding someone who you would do anything for and would protect from harm and that he would feel the same way about me. Trouble is, even if that IS a big part of love, I can't identify a suitable partner. I hate the very concept of being divorced twice. While I know I didn't choose it, I feel like it reflects poorly on my commitment to relationships.

I am a very committed person, I'm almost done with my doctorate, I worked three jobs and was a student the last five years to try to make everything work, am a perfectionist who wants nothing but the very best for those I work with, friends and those I volunteer with.

Sorry so long, but I just need to talk it out. My therapist's next appointment is July 17th. Tomorrow/today I guess, I need to try to find someone more available because between the bankruptcy and the marriage issue, I have had a real setback in my depression/anxiety management. All I've done for the past few days is try to sleep.

Holly, thank you for responding. It feels better to be heard and not trapped in this cage of shame and loneliness entirely by myself. I appreciate you!

dustinthewind wrote:
I really needed to hear from someone. I'm just spinning around in my head home alone. I teach and the school year is out.

I am really scared that you are right, that he used me and moved on. But you know the saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I am feeling like an utter failure as I thought that the family I picked would be a family that loved me. (I don't and can't have children by the way).

St8arrow

One thing you can do to try to be successful in your next relationship is to ask some point blank questions. If a potential partner wants to be a parent, then you have to find out if he is willing to adopt a child. If not, you might as well look elsewhere because there are far too many men who will stay around for the pleasure of sexual activity. Then when the desire to have a natural child of their own becomes front and center in their minds, since you cannot have a child, your relationship would either be on precarious ground or abruptly end without the man ever giving the real reason why he left.

Some men in this situation fall back on the idea that they didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth. Meanwhile your feelings are hurt even worse because of the uncertainty of why it all went wrong.

From Dustinthewind

What is wrong with me that I cannot chose a man who is honest and kind. I realize they both brought their own issues to the table, but I twice made what I thought was a life-long commitment to each of them.

I have been employed since I graduated college. I did insist on a divorce after initially trying to reconcile with my first husband.

From St8arrow

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

From Dustinthewind

Because of what I've lived through, I decided to be a teacher so NO ONE would have to go it alone. I thought it was part of my healing to give what was not given to me. Apparently, that has made me a bit of a sucker in the adult world though (but I hope a good and kind teacher--my "kids" know I love them).

Again, thank you for the reply. I just needed to "hear someone. I appreciate you!

Thank you for entering this website. Obviously you are not alone and with peer support and a few bits of helpful advice, I strongly suspect that life will start to be better for you. However, with the economic problems that you have, you are going to have to learn to be like a good Doctor and have lots of patients. Others have heard me use this next silly expression before but maybe it is new to you: --- Give me patience Lord. BUT HURRY!!!