I have problems talking about me. "the real me"

[StillStanding4mykids]

I am either happy or really sad/mad. I can never find that medium. You know, the kind of day where a person is relaxed and feels ok with doing nothing at all but watching a movie....or calling a friend. Not that I have friends. I tend to scare them all away since I don't/can't explain my feelings or actions. I used to drink heavily to make it easier to socialize and up until about 3 months ago, I smoked green since I was about 13.

Today, I am nearly 20 years older, on the only medication that the state will pay for, jobless, going through a divorce from a marriage that lasted almost 12 years, and the only positive thing that ever comes into my head is how amazing my children are. My son is 11 and my daughter is 5 and acts just like me.

They see me cry a lot. All I ask, hope and pray for is that they are nothing like me. My exterior is not to be ashamed of, but my interior is empty and bland. I avoid people in most cases since I know eventually they will just leave once they discover the real me. And unfortunatley my son seems to be somewhat of a loner in school like I was. My daughter, on the other hand, makes me smile. She is one of a kind. Sher outside beauty is hard to live up to, but her inside beauty is by far.....untouchable.

Oh Dear God, please help my son overcome his insecurities and please keep them confident, safe, and most of all... HAPPY!

Is there anyone out there who cares? Is there anyone out there who feels that I am a good candidate for their group?

[dd-va]

Hi stillstanding4mykids, and welcome to the forum!
I can understand your worries about your depression and the effect it does/will have on your children. I worry about the same with my 12 year old son. He too has seen me cry way too many times, and always breaks my heart when he acts as if he has to "take care" of me. He was one of the deciding factors on my going to the doctor and seeking help. I did not want him to see me that way any longer. I still worry about what effect I have on him, and hope and pray that the only effects I leave him with are positive ones. I fight against myself and my feelings everyday so that I am able to smile at him and give him the happy life he so deserves.

I hope things get better for you soon, maybe try spending a little extra one on one time with your son, especially on your somewhat "good" days? Take Care!

[balcony]

Hi Stillstanding4mykids, welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. Being a parent under the best of circumstances is hard and when life hands us our own struggles and pain, the difficulty increases. We love our children in a way few people without children understand, and that love can be a great motivator. I hope the medication you are receiving brings you some relief from the sadness. Always remember that it is the small moments that can make a huge difference in a child's life. Do not discount all the small moments you share with your children, I am sure they make a big impact.

I am glad you are reaching out here, please keep posting. You are not alone. Check out our chat room as well if you like. Chat is a great place to meet others, exchange information and get support.

Take care and a big hug