Long Term Ups and Downs

[DEP280]

I am a 45 year old female and not sure where to begin. Looking for guidance in some way. I have had depressed feelings (some times deeper than others), for really as long as I can remember. I have reached what I would call ... my near ending ... two times. But stopped when looking at my children because I knew I was the only person they had to get them into their young adult lives. I have hung on for almost 18 years, with a goal of making enough money to put my children through college. And I am now reaching the point of their high school graduations (one this year and one next year).

Over the past six years, I have slowly excluded each of my extended family members from my life. I am pretty much alone and in a state far from them. And although most people would look at me as successful in my career, I don't find any joy in what I am doing. As well, I put on a happy face for my children, only to pour my soul out into a journal every night. And everyone on the outside, at work, assumes that I am a happy / outgoing person. When I really feel like I just exist here ... taking one day at a time ... and waiting for my time to expire.

I have not shared this information with anyone in my family. Nor have I told my physician. Is this something that can be fixed through medication? Or am I just a naturally depressed person who will always feel this way? I just feel exhausted all the time. I am tired of putting on a happy face or throwing myself into my work to keep me distracted.

Can someone give me some guidance? Are there books that I can read to better understand? I am still hesitant to reveal anything to my physician right now. I work in the healthcare environment and I don't want this to be known. I stumbled onto this site as I was researching topics around this ...

[Laura90]

I know I am half your age but I have for as far back as I can remember felt like I am just a nothing, just moving thru life, doing what I needed to get by but not enjoying life like people around me! I was put on medication about 3 months ago and felt amazing! Was that happy, fun loving person that everyone thought that I was! I have two 3 year olds who I love to death but before medication felt like I was just watching grow up before me and not actually enjoying them but now im awake before them just to see there smiling faces! As well as being prescribed an antidepressant, I was also referred to a psychologist and was always very unsure on what I would get out of it but I have never been happier! The medication and the psychologist prescribed together work amazingly for me!! Hoping I helped you in some way!! Good luck

[hollyann]

Hi Dep280. Thank you for posting here. I'm not sure of any books on depression. I know they are out there but I dont know their titles. Usually your library will have something you can read. Its understandable not wanting it to ge out since you are in healthcare, but to be honest the right medicine can really make a difference. Coming here or to the chat room can help too. Facing kids living home can be hard. My son is only 11, be 12 this year but I still think eventually he will leave home and sometimes I feel I am biding my time until he does too. I can tell the difference night and day from when I am on meds to when I am off them.

Wishng you the best.
holly

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Hi, (((( DEP280 )))), welcome to the forum!
As far as guidance is concerned, I'm not sure how much help I'd be able to give you...I'm not in any way a medical professional or " expert ". And, far from " knowing all the answers ", I'm very much aware that I'm still very much trying to understand the questions....! I have very much found reading other people's experiences of depression here, as well as sharing my own experiences with others, to be a very great source of support. One that has given me a lot of new thoughts, insights and useful advice when it comes to " managing " my depression better. I very much hope that this will be true for you as well. ( I've been fortunate in that I've often found that expressing and relating my experiences of depression to others has helped me to understand those experiences better. )
As to books, I don't really know a lot of titles to suggest. Also, as I'm sure you already know, ( So, why am I saying this?...I'm Welsh!...We're a Celtic people and we Celts worry...! ), I have a suspicion that if you were to read ten books on depression you would get ten different theories about the what/why/how and treatment of depression. So, I'd approach such books cautiously, making sure that they were written by a knowledgeable source, and using them as a tool for how they can help you, as an individual. ( As you can probably tell, we Celts also have a problem with brevity! Sorry! )
One book that I have found of interest and helpful, at least for myself as an individual, is:

How Sadness Survived: The Evolutionary Basis Of Depression by Paul Keedwell.

I've Googled this book and got quite a few hits, and I'm currently borrowing a copy of it from my local library. So, I'm hoping that you might well, ideally, be able to find a copy of it through a library near you perhaps?

Good Luck, (((( DEP20 )))), please do take care of yourself!

[balcony]

Hi Dep280 and welcome to the forums.

I understand your story on many levels. While I do not suffer depression the enormous struggle of preparing children for college and having a career takes a huge toll. I have 3 kids and I feel as if I work 24 hours a day both physically and emotionally to make sure everyone has what they need. I work outside of the home too to maintain a balance in my mind. I am fortunate I guess in that I love what I do. The work can be stressful, filled with deadlines, but it brings me great joy.

I would strongly recommend talking to your physician about how you are feeling. I think the combination of medication along with support can make a huge difference. I say that after being at this site and having listened to so many people discuss their depression. You should check out our chatroom here at DU. It is a safe place to listen to others and exchange information. Take care and keep posting

[DEP280]

Thanks to each of you for responding to my post. Your support and words have been very helpful.