Tell me why

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CrispyRingo
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Jul 02, 2011 12:34 pm

Tell me why

Postby CrispyRingo » Tue Jul 12, 2011 7:30 am

"So ... have you done anything else?" No, I haven't. How many times do I have to tell you. And why do you keep asking?
"It's just a bit out of character," she says. Of course I was, I wasn't feeling 100%, I thought you would have realised why.
"Why did you start doing it, anyway? Did someone at school put an idea into your head or something?" I thought it was obvious. Wait ... was she smiling? No, I wasn't influenced by anything or anyone. It was a natural reaction.
"Then why did you start?" Can we please talk about this later. She always gets me in my weakest moments, when I'm not ready. And I'm not ready to talk about it now. Not now. Now that I look closer, it's not just a smile spreading across her face. It's a smile of scorn, misunderstanding, dislike even. I will not admit my deepest emotions to someone who looks down on me. Not even to my mother.

shatteredhopes
Posts: 664
Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
Location: U.S.

Postby shatteredhopes » Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:42 am

Its very hard for those who haven't been there to understand and your mother is no doubt worried about you. What about first downloading some information on self harm and depression and such from the internet and second when you feel up to it writing her a letter, then give her a packet of information and your letter and tell her you need professional help.

If I could go back in time and do one thing, I would go back and get intensive therapy when I was young and my life might have taken a much different course.

Big big hugs friend. Its hard to deal with intrusive even if well meaning questions and loved ones who should support us but just don't understand and end up making things worse sometimes even if unintentionally. Wishing you light and peace in your day.

P.S. Maybe talk to a counselor at school who can talk to your mother on your behalf when back in school or call a youth crisis line for tips on how to deal with her?

Cryptic Avenger
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 3:01 am
Location: Ontario

Postby Cryptic Avenger » Tue Jul 12, 2011 1:39 pm

Your mom worried, which is a natural reaction for her. Its never easy to talk to anyone about why they hurt them selves. They don't understand the feeling, the way it makes you feel. Its not something that is easy to see happening to someone, it was hard when i saw my friend cut. Why? What can I do? The answer was always unanswered.

I never understood it till I felt low enough to do it to myself. Now when ever I'm down I just want to. It feels better then the emotional pain.

I feel exactly the same way with everyone and anyone I have ever talked to. No one understands. Its like I have so much to say but when I finally get the chance and someone is listening is like the screw in my head gets loose, nothing comes out the right way to make them understand or realize.

i always avoid the conversation with everyone altogether. I lie about it. It works for me. It's my private thing. If you want to talk about it, I suggest you do, then maybe talk about it someone else first. Someone who's had the same experiences.

I think its the hardest for parents to understand.

Good luck to you, Take care of yourself. Its hard to let these things out, it takes time and trust. You can do it. :)

CrispyRingo
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Jul 02, 2011 12:34 pm

Postby CrispyRingo » Fri Jul 15, 2011 4:31 am

Thanks, Cryptic Avenger. Your help gave me a lot of confidence. I've tried to consider my mum's situation before. She has a daughter who is does. She can't understand, but her opinions are habitually one sided and predominantly based on assumptions. Putting myself in her shoes, it must be hard, but I personally would have responded with care and compassion, not with a smirk. It just made me feel like an idiot. And when she threatened me, it just didn't help.

I used to think talking about my depression was the answer, the way out. But now, like you, I know it's just too hard to find someone who both understands, is ready to listen and who isn't judgemental. Someone who won't think or act differently towards me if I open my heart and mind to them.

I'm always trying to follow the path of hope into my future, and I like to think that there is one in the best of times. CrispyRingo.

CrispyRingo
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Jul 02, 2011 12:34 pm

Postby CrispyRingo » Fri Jul 15, 2011 5:07 am

Shatteredhopes, I know she wants to help, but just the way she goes about it is unhelpful at the least. She's definately making it worse. I think it would be good for her to know that.

But that's just the problem. Writing a letter would make her even more condecending towards me. If she were to read everything I've written on this site, she would probably be angry. Really angry. And her anger has a way of strongly influencing what she does and says. If she's angry, she'll lose all contact with compassion, kindness and most of all, understanding. She'd question what this is about and frown at me and talk to me like I'm an animal. Although she talks to the dog nicer than she does to me...

Hugs back. I really hope light and peace decide to enter my life sometime soon. CrispyRingo
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Obayan
Posts: 4516
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:51 pm

Sometimes our loved ones are trying so hard to help it becomes a hinderance cause they aren't doing what we need. We have to educate them and tell them what it is we need. And when we need it.


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