just joined today

[lfeiljj]

Hi,

Today is my first day here. My husband had a stroke on christmas morning. He is only 54. We're high school sweethearts. We'll be married 30 years in August. We have a son 18 and a daughter 15. My husband is doing well. He went back to work in february at the urging of his boss. It was way too soon to go back. He is working full time. When he went back part time his boss cut his salary in half. Since my husband is full time he won't give him his money back and he's become very mean and abusive to my husband. We think he is trying to make my husband quit. It kills me to see my husband come home and break down. His boss was the one that pushed for him to come back. He told us my husband was like family. This was up till February. Now he is so mean. We are struggling since the pay cut. We have no credit because my husband lost his business years ago and we had to file for bankruptcy. We have no savings. It kills me that we can't send our son to college. I'm going to have to get a job. I've been a stay at home mom since the kids were born. Our son it 18 and our daughter is 15. I'm 52 and lost all my skills. Where in the world am I going to get a job? I feel like I've wasted my entire life. The kids no longer need me and what does that leave me? Who will hire me? We have huge problems with the IRS. I thought my husband had been taking care of things but since the stroke I found out he didn't. I just can't find one single reason to get up in the morning. I cry every day. My doctor gave me antidepressants but they are not working. I'm terrified everyday that my husband's boss is going to cause my husband to have another stroke. Where is he going to get another job?? My daughter sees me upset everyday and I don't want her to see me like this but the tears just won't stop flowing. I am so lost. I have no one to really talk to. It's amazing how people manage to avoid you when you've got so many problems. They don't want to hear it, God forbid, it might be contagious. I always had a strong faith but I feel like I'm losing that too. I went to talk to my priest. I was crying and telling him everything. He seemed uncomfortable and ended up talking about the price of gas and what he paid for catholic school. I was desperate for some shred of hope or something and even the church let me down. I just dont see any hope at all any more. How am I supposed to be happy???


Just wanted to add that my son had to have his left testicle removed last July because the doctor found a huge mass. Well we just got back from the hospital because my son had to have two sonograms in the same area because he is having severe pain and the doctor said things didn't feel right. Great, what's next? I feel like we've been cursed.

[hollyann]

Hi. Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through so much. Maybe your son can get a grant to help with college. I'm sorry your husband's boss is like that. I know with the economy other jobs are hard, but no job is worth a person's health. I know going back to work has to be scary. You may find though that some of the skills you thought you lost didn't go anywhere. You haven't wasted your entire life, one of the most important jobs are parenting. You can always talk to us here. We will listen to you, and encourage you. You can make it through this. Thoughts are with you.

hollyann

[shatteredhopes]

I am so saddened to hear all you have been through, but your kids and your beloved husband are good reasons to hang on...love and family are priceless gifts. I didn't notice what country you are in, but have some suggestions. In the USA for instance, sometimes you can get free legal counseling. For instance I got free 15 minute consults with lawyers from a women's center, research from law students for free, and an appointment with legal aid. I think it is imperative that if your husband's boss is trying to drive him out and creating a hostile work environment you consult with a lawyer to see if you have a claim. Also, if he loses his job, or has to leave, it is possible he may be able to get social security disability. His health has to be a top priority, obviously, and if he is risking it by working, he maybe able to get sickness benefits.

As far as you going back to work and wondering about your skills, what about volunteering somewhere where you could network and gain skills and have something to show potential employers? You could do this on a part-time basis for a short while and also meet people and get references that way. I am not working now, but for a while was trying to get back to work and volunteered and was offered several jobs as a result of volunteering. I also met people and made a few friends and gained some confidence at the time. Unfortunately, I suffered some traumatic events so it didn't work out, but may try again in the future, and it may work out for you. It will at least give you something current for the resume and references.

Another possibility is temporary work. Temping allows you to update and learn new skills and I know my sister-in-law worked herself into a permanent career that way. Plus you could do it on your own schedule, only as able around taking your daughter to school. What about your son? Can he drive your daughter to school? If you are temping, you are working, so it can be easier to apply for jobs sometimes if you already have a job.

Also, community colleges are great bargains as far as higher education and offer substantial financial assistance and loans generally. Doing well in a two year program would allow your son to eventually transfer to a university with substantial credits under his belt and therefore need less in scholarships and loans for a four year degree.

In the USA, they also have community mental health centers in many communities. You should ask your doctor about this if in the US, as this would enable you to get therapy and possibly even a job coach and help seeking employment. It might be good if your husband could get therapy too, as he sounds like he is hurting from all the stress.

If you are not in the USA, there may be similiar options for you where you are. Don't give up hope. It may be overwhelming right now, but there is reason to believe things can improve. Just take things a step at a time.

Good luck to you and big big hugs.

[Obayan]

Hi. Just wanted to let you know you do have skills and you do have options. You have spent the last 18 years developing skills.

You have cleaned up after a family every day, cooked, counseled, managed a budget, shopped for and been the "go between" on countless subjects. These are skills. Translation..... housekeeper for a hotel or individuals, assistant cook in a restraunt, volunteer for halfway house or food bank, personal shopper, etc... You can go down to the unemployment center and get free college training as a displaced worker or adult returning to work. There is also door greeter at Walmart. My sister-in-law for many many years now has been a personal housekeeper and makes a very good living at it. You can also apply at a daycare center. It makes them look good for hireing a "grandma" type figure and with your experience raising your own children it's even better.

These are just a few ideas off the top of my head. When I was lost career wise, I sat down in the floor and went thru the phone book. I looked at what all type business are out there and what sounded interesting. Then I started makeing phone calls. In two hours I had a job. It's not the best career options, but it's a start.

I know how hard it is right now. I really do. Having to take care of a sick husband, the kids all grown up and on their own, having to struggle to make ends meet. It's not easy. But you will get thru this. I know because I did. I was married 22 years before I became a widow. I spent a lot of years taking care of my husband as he died slowly a little bit each day. My kids are all grown and have families of their own. After my husband died, my friends just stopped coming around because they don't know what to say or do. I got very depresed. Counseling helped me a lot. Then one day, I decided to make a change. I made a list of all the things I'd like to have different in my life. And each day, I did something, no matter how small or insignificant at the time, to change it. Just regaining that feeling of control (even if imagined) went a long way to getting me back my life again. I also sat down and talked to my kids. I told them what is going on and how I feel. I also told them what changes I'd like to see being made. It was hard. Very hard to talk to them about all this. But it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Just being able to talk about it and knowing that I'm not really alone. You see, we aren't meant to carry the weight of the world on our own shoulders. Everyone needs help sometimes. It's not a sign of weakness or failure. It's a sign of being human. You need help right now. Ask for it. Reach out and allow those who love you to help you. Allow them to feel that little piece of happiness that comes with being able to help someone you love.

As for your husband and his job, he has rights. And one of those rights is not to be harrassed on the job. And makeing things difficult or endangering his health is harrassment. Contact the labor board and see what options you have.

I hope this has helped in some way.