I dont want to be alive but i want to live

[Takahiko Yuri]

Hi. I don’t know why I’m typing this for some reason I started just typing wanting to tell how I feel. I live in an asian household where we’re not allowed to feel emotions sometimes. I often never really got understood by my family. I’d feel wronged all the time and its like a cycle where there is no escape. Being the youngest in the family, I’m always treated as some sort of burden. I don’t have a voice in the family and I’m not allowed to have one unless I have hreat achievements. They drill it to your brain and make you feel never enough and that I’m not worth any value unless I make them proud or shower them with achievements worth praising and sharing to our family members or their co-workers. Its tiring, I just feel empty and that emptiness just grows. I know for a fact that I want to live but not like this. People said that its just a fleeting moment in my life but if its only a fleeting moment why does it never go away. I feel empty and alone and that I’m just tired of picking up myself time and time again. I know I must be strong because I have to. But right now I just can’t anymore. I had enough.My parents wouldn’t even listen to me. Its like they’re defining me for something I clearly know I’m not until it reaches a point where even I question myself for who I am and why am I living. I don’t really want to die I just dont want to live how my life is going on right now. Is that too selfish? I just want to be happy where people would try to think how i’d feel. My parents could care less if I’d die my mom would probably even get angry at me when I’m gone. It doesnt even feel like a home anymore, honestly I don’t even remember when it felt like it was. For me its just a place where I can sleep and eat at. A place where I feel like I’m being confined and that studying and doing housework was our priority. If they see us taking the slightly bit of rest they’ll get mad and when my brother and I would argue and reason out them one of us could get hit with a belt or a broom.Emotional neglect, thats what I feel like I’m undergoing. I often get hit by my parent too when they had enough of me when I try explaining myself. Im so tired. I keep on wanting to just dream and sleep forever hoping to never wake up for at least I can be happy there. Suicidal thoughts were always present in my head but no one knows that. We’re not allowed to have that in our family. Its a disgrace to even think or mention about death. My mom hates people who wants to kill themself. Even a few of my friends think that way here thats I why never really got to tell anyone how I felt. My brother told me one time he was about to try to take his own life one time but he couldn’t because he was scared not of death but how mom would probably end up getting mad at him more and even me. He told that to me with a straight face because he got numb. He was done and recently he just left home. When he left I felt even more alone and I feel like I just lost hope and I don’t know what to do anymore. My mom didn’t care it was like her pride couldn’t be bothered. Right now everything just feels even darker without my brother. When he left, nothing really changed except the amount of pressure I had to do in studying and the amount of housework I was left to do. I often would just try to make myself believe that I can do this pretending to be happy everyday would eventually work. So i thought that “fake it till you make it”. I tried to believe that for so long. Now I’m in college pursuing a career my mom wants me to be. I’m still faking it everyday.People know me as someone who doesnt cry and who’d laugh a lot. My parents know me as someone whod just like to argue back at them when they constantly invalidate my feelings and misunderstood me. My parents believed that them hitting me was a punishment for not growing up to someone they want me to be. Its like I can’t be who I am. I have to be what they want them to be. Right now I’m done. I’m tired. For once in my life I just want to be me. I want to be free. I want to be happy. I’m really done. I’m really tired. I just want to live not just be alive not just breathing. I want my brother and I to be happy. I’d rather die then continue living like this. Its like dying everyday but you never really die. I just want to not be alone. I want someone to understand. I’m scared of my thoughts and I’m scared of losing myself.

[jessica james]

Be kind to yourself. Remember it is not your fault your family is like this. It is not your fault for their actions. You are only in control of yourself. Take it one day at a time. During my lowest, it was the few friends and my boyfriend that helped me the most. Don't forget to open up to them once in a while, especially your boyfriend/girlfriend who you can rely on. Even if it is something small, try to make a goal each day and see it through.

Something my therapist taught me is even if the smallest task seems too big, attempting it is still a big accomplishment. Like laundry. Some days it may seem impossible to fold and put away. Guess what? Just fold it and call it done. Or if that is too much, just run it and leave it in the basket because at least it is clean. Dirty dishes but the dishwasher isn't powerful enough? Run it twice. And to help with flashbacks? Find something you can keep on you at all times or have near you. Something to help ground you. For me, it is a stuffed animal a close friend gave me. You can also get an Emotional Support Animal. I had a flashback to an incident with my mother and it helped me come out of it quickly once I was able to grab it and hold it tight. Sound's stupid? I know this might not work for everyone but it's worth a try.

You are wanted. You are loved. And you will get through this. One day at a time. I promise you this. Keep holding on. We are here for each other. Things will get better.

[CamGirl]

Hey, don't say that. I know it could really be hard at times but we need to go on. We all have a reason for our existence and we may not understand it now, but we need to be strong. Just feel free to vent here. It's a big help to reach out to people who understand what you're going through.

[Brennen_Green20]

You will be good, be kind to yourself. I hope you feel better than how you did before.