New, again
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a5,
Thought that I'd reply to you under my own story. Didn't want to take over someone else's thread.
I have had acid reflux for quite a while. I have swallowed the camera on about 3 different occasions. Once they found ulcers (which fortunately didn't bleed, healed on their own) and that I have a hiatal hernia. Added to all this the acid reflux has burned the top of my throat so badly that you could see that it was white at the top of my throat. They were afraid that if it kept burning there, that I would have the distinct possibility of developing cancer.
They tried several drugs. None were strong enough. Finally they put me on pantoloc. That was many years ago. At that time you were only supposed to be on the drug for a month, then it was to be stopped. They had to go over that rule, and keep me on it since it was the only thing that worked. The side-affects that they were worried about (at the time) gave me a better prognosis than the cancer.
It ended up that I have been on pantoloc for more than a decade. It works so well, that I can tell at the end of the day if I have forgotten to take it. I get the terrible burning in the gut.
I, too, have to sleep with my head up. I have a bed, that is like a hospital one, where the head is raised. I can't sleep with my head level with the rest of my body. Makes it very difficult when I sleep at home. It is like I can't relax because I am not in my bed when my head is quite a bit higher than that rest of me.
The sleeping problem was the one that was first addressed in 1988. I just couldn't sleep. I have gone through periods where my sleep has been better. It doesn't help that I am afraid of the dark. Sounds silly at 51 but I think that all the things that I went through as a kid have contributed to that problem. When I am going through times of high stress, I often have to keep the lights on all night. I can remember for many years that I wouldn't sleep at night, but could nap once the sun came up.
Needless to say there is a lot of crap going on in my head that contributes to the sleep problem. It is very true that I have had drugs prescribed to me to help with the sleep, but they knock me out so bad it almost like I have not had my eyes open, it appears to others that I am asleep but when I get out of bed in the morning it is like I have one heck of a hangover.
It seems like the ones that I can't do without are Seroquel and Clonazepam. If I don't have those in the house, I panic.
I think that my biggest problem is that I can't turn the thoughts off in my head. I have gone through times that I have to turn on both the tv and the radio, in order to stop the thoughts that keep going round and round in my mind. Had a pretty crappy childhood and it just seems to keep haunting me.
Mind you I do find it very helpful to be able to unload here on the forum. I know that what I write is written, even if it isn't replied to, they are read. I always look forward to getting time during the day to sit down and find the forum, and see how my friends are doing.
I realize that I have been rambling. It is getting close to midnight and it has been a very tough week. Maybe tomorrow I will sit down at the keyboard and see if it helps to let some of this other stuff off my chest.
Sleep well.
Thought that I'd reply to you under my own story. Didn't want to take over someone else's thread.
I have had acid reflux for quite a while. I have swallowed the camera on about 3 different occasions. Once they found ulcers (which fortunately didn't bleed, healed on their own) and that I have a hiatal hernia. Added to all this the acid reflux has burned the top of my throat so badly that you could see that it was white at the top of my throat. They were afraid that if it kept burning there, that I would have the distinct possibility of developing cancer.
They tried several drugs. None were strong enough. Finally they put me on pantoloc. That was many years ago. At that time you were only supposed to be on the drug for a month, then it was to be stopped. They had to go over that rule, and keep me on it since it was the only thing that worked. The side-affects that they were worried about (at the time) gave me a better prognosis than the cancer.
It ended up that I have been on pantoloc for more than a decade. It works so well, that I can tell at the end of the day if I have forgotten to take it. I get the terrible burning in the gut.
I, too, have to sleep with my head up. I have a bed, that is like a hospital one, where the head is raised. I can't sleep with my head level with the rest of my body. Makes it very difficult when I sleep at home. It is like I can't relax because I am not in my bed when my head is quite a bit higher than that rest of me.
The sleeping problem was the one that was first addressed in 1988. I just couldn't sleep. I have gone through periods where my sleep has been better. It doesn't help that I am afraid of the dark. Sounds silly at 51 but I think that all the things that I went through as a kid have contributed to that problem. When I am going through times of high stress, I often have to keep the lights on all night. I can remember for many years that I wouldn't sleep at night, but could nap once the sun came up.
Needless to say there is a lot of crap going on in my head that contributes to the sleep problem. It is very true that I have had drugs prescribed to me to help with the sleep, but they knock me out so bad it almost like I have not had my eyes open, it appears to others that I am asleep but when I get out of bed in the morning it is like I have one heck of a hangover.
It seems like the ones that I can't do without are Seroquel and Clonazepam. If I don't have those in the house, I panic.
I think that my biggest problem is that I can't turn the thoughts off in my head. I have gone through times that I have to turn on both the tv and the radio, in order to stop the thoughts that keep going round and round in my mind. Had a pretty crappy childhood and it just seems to keep haunting me.
Mind you I do find it very helpful to be able to unload here on the forum. I know that what I write is written, even if it isn't replied to, they are read. I always look forward to getting time during the day to sit down and find the forum, and see how my friends are doing.
I realize that I have been rambling. It is getting close to midnight and it has been a very tough week. Maybe tomorrow I will sit down at the keyboard and see if it helps to let some of this other stuff off my chest.
Sleep well.
Oh Monty~
I got heartburn reading that post. At least there is something that works.
I know about the thoughts in the head that won't stop. I'm the opposite, I can't stand noise. I've already got a radio, a tv, 4 adults, and 6 kids screaming through my head all the time. Music agitates the hell out of me though I do like classical.
I sleep better with a light on. I need sound, like white noise, motion, and light to sleep well. A fan, a light, and a waterbed is the perfect combination. Or a car, if I can lie down.
I feel deeply sad for you that you can't purge yourself of the bad parts of your childhood. There is just no way to do it. I think talking or writing it out endlessly is the only way. Keep writing. I read all of them, unless I get lost, which I still do. I find them eventually though, and I'll write back. Maybe you can just start purging every night or so. Write a big long blast of whatever you want that you can get away with on this site. I know when I get mad I say awful things, even though I don't use any dirty words. I try not to let that happen here because I don't want to upset anyone. It's hard to let it all out if you have to hold part of it in.
Still, this site is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I need to be in the company of nice people. Rude ones make me instantly mad, and when I get mad, I get even.
I have to stop. I have this problem with severe pain in my bones and beside the bursitis, I'm getting them in my right arm. Maybe it's the bursitis. I don't know. I just know IT HURTS LIKE HELL. Plus my butt hurts from sitting here writing all day. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Old, old, old.
Your loyal friend in misery,
A5
I got heartburn reading that post. At least there is something that works.
I know about the thoughts in the head that won't stop. I'm the opposite, I can't stand noise. I've already got a radio, a tv, 4 adults, and 6 kids screaming through my head all the time. Music agitates the hell out of me though I do like classical.
I sleep better with a light on. I need sound, like white noise, motion, and light to sleep well. A fan, a light, and a waterbed is the perfect combination. Or a car, if I can lie down.
I feel deeply sad for you that you can't purge yourself of the bad parts of your childhood. There is just no way to do it. I think talking or writing it out endlessly is the only way. Keep writing. I read all of them, unless I get lost, which I still do. I find them eventually though, and I'll write back. Maybe you can just start purging every night or so. Write a big long blast of whatever you want that you can get away with on this site. I know when I get mad I say awful things, even though I don't use any dirty words. I try not to let that happen here because I don't want to upset anyone. It's hard to let it all out if you have to hold part of it in.
Still, this site is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I need to be in the company of nice people. Rude ones make me instantly mad, and when I get mad, I get even.
I have to stop. I have this problem with severe pain in my bones and beside the bursitis, I'm getting them in my right arm. Maybe it's the bursitis. I don't know. I just know IT HURTS LIKE HELL. Plus my butt hurts from sitting here writing all day. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Old, old, old.
Your loyal friend in misery,
A5
You are totally on the mark when it comes to the benefit of exercise.
Started walking this winter and then had a problem with my knee.
I was downstairs on fell. All of my weight hit the concrete, on my knee.
I went for xrays just before Christmas and they told me that they would call me if there was a problem. We went away at Christmas and I had to rent some crutches because my knee kept giving away. I take pain pretty well, but a lot of time I was just about in tears.
In February, it was still causing me trouble, a friend told me to go back to the doctor.
Turns out that I had broken off a part of my knee, and I have a floater in the joint. That is why, sometimes it was ok, sometimes I was in so much pain I could hardly keep back the tears.
My doctor hadn't gotten the exray.
After another couple of months, I saw a specialist. Turns out that they can't do anything, worth the pain I would have. Still I was pissed because I had to wait an extra two months (between Dec and February) to see one.
All they can suggest is pain relievers.
That makes walking a little difficult, because I can never be sure when the knee is going to go out again. That meant I had to curb my walking. The walking was great for me. I lost a little weight and felt good for going outside, plus I think that it helped my sleep.
I will have to sign off, with one of the biggest secrets in my life.
I tripped over an elliptical trainer.
Have a good one.
Started walking this winter and then had a problem with my knee.
I was downstairs on fell. All of my weight hit the concrete, on my knee.
I went for xrays just before Christmas and they told me that they would call me if there was a problem. We went away at Christmas and I had to rent some crutches because my knee kept giving away. I take pain pretty well, but a lot of time I was just about in tears.
In February, it was still causing me trouble, a friend told me to go back to the doctor.
Turns out that I had broken off a part of my knee, and I have a floater in the joint. That is why, sometimes it was ok, sometimes I was in so much pain I could hardly keep back the tears.
My doctor hadn't gotten the exray.
After another couple of months, I saw a specialist. Turns out that they can't do anything, worth the pain I would have. Still I was pissed because I had to wait an extra two months (between Dec and February) to see one.
All they can suggest is pain relievers.
That makes walking a little difficult, because I can never be sure when the knee is going to go out again. That meant I had to curb my walking. The walking was great for me. I lost a little weight and felt good for going outside, plus I think that it helped my sleep.
I will have to sign off, with one of the biggest secrets in my life.
I tripped over an elliptical trainer.
Have a good one.
((((Monty)))) It's better than tripping over air - which is what i usually trip over!
So sorry about your knee troubles! Jeesh!! There is absolutely nothing they can do to help you with it? No surgery even? That's hard to believe when Patrick Swayze and Magic Johnson are still going strong... maybe you should look for a second opinion... just doesn't sound right.
So sorry about your knee troubles! Jeesh!! There is absolutely nothing they can do to help you with it? No surgery even? That's hard to believe when Patrick Swayze and Magic Johnson are still going strong... maybe you should look for a second opinion... just doesn't sound right.
The specialist that saw me, said that surgery wasn't warranted at this time.
I live in an area where you don't have too much choice in who you see for a specialist. Not a lot of orthos around.
The knee has been pretty good for the past few months. I know at the start, when the bone floated into the joint, that I couldn't do too much, other than to try and straighten my knee.
I am not usually too much of a screamer but I tell you there were a few times that I was glad that there wasn't too many people around, I made such noise. Also it was fortunate that a lot of times I am not around people who can lipread.
I live in an area where you don't have too much choice in who you see for a specialist. Not a lot of orthos around.
The knee has been pretty good for the past few months. I know at the start, when the bone floated into the joint, that I couldn't do too much, other than to try and straighten my knee.
I am not usually too much of a screamer but I tell you there were a few times that I was glad that there wasn't too many people around, I made such noise. Also it was fortunate that a lot of times I am not around people who can lipread.
Hi Monty~
Did that "specialist" rule out endoscopic surgery? My knee is totaled and the ortho guy said there are pieces of meniscus floating around and a bunch of other crap and that he could just go in there, clip all the ragged edges, and vacuum and rinse it all out. I would think they can go in your knee and get that little piece. It is only a 3/4 inch incision. You're friend was right, get another opinion.
How far are you from the US border? What's the biggest US city near you? Would it be possible to make the trip just to get it done soon and well? One thing you can do is make copies of the xray report and fax it to different doctors - they can often tell whether it's possible to work on it endoscopically.
I have 90 replies to write since I have ignored the internet for days.
It was so nice reading what you said about us being friends. Made me really happy.
See you in the next catagory -
A5
Did that "specialist" rule out endoscopic surgery? My knee is totaled and the ortho guy said there are pieces of meniscus floating around and a bunch of other crap and that he could just go in there, clip all the ragged edges, and vacuum and rinse it all out. I would think they can go in your knee and get that little piece. It is only a 3/4 inch incision. You're friend was right, get another opinion.
How far are you from the US border? What's the biggest US city near you? Would it be possible to make the trip just to get it done soon and well? One thing you can do is make copies of the xray report and fax it to different doctors - they can often tell whether it's possible to work on it endoscopically.
I have 90 replies to write since I have ignored the internet for days.
It was so nice reading what you said about us being friends. Made me really happy.
See you in the next catagory -
A5
Thanks for your suggestions.
Actually I live about 6 hours from the Canada, American border.
We do have universal medicare. There is a fee system that allows for our provincial health system, but only what the cost would be to do it here.
There are people that go off to the states to get some procedures done. They are usually the people with a lot of money. Of which I don't have.
We actually have to buy extra insurance, when we go down south, to cover what procedures would be, if we became ill while visiting.
We have a heart attack here, and all our costs are covered by our health plans. We hear that in some places in the states, that would cost us over $100,000. Don't know if that figure is right. Anyway we are urged to buy extra coverage if we come visit you.
I am really not sure why I went on about this tirade.
Say hi to Brad for me. Has he started on his new projects, that I think you said he found via this forum.
Take care
Actually I live about 6 hours from the Canada, American border.
We do have universal medicare. There is a fee system that allows for our provincial health system, but only what the cost would be to do it here.
There are people that go off to the states to get some procedures done. They are usually the people with a lot of money. Of which I don't have.
We actually have to buy extra insurance, when we go down south, to cover what procedures would be, if we became ill while visiting.
We have a heart attack here, and all our costs are covered by our health plans. We hear that in some places in the states, that would cost us over $100,000. Don't know if that figure is right. Anyway we are urged to buy extra coverage if we come visit you.
I am really not sure why I went on about this tirade.
Say hi to Brad for me. Has he started on his new projects, that I think you said he found via this forum.
Take care
Monty
No, if you have a heart attack in the US, it costs more like 3/4 of a million. Because what they do is charge (if the patient has insurance) outrageous prices for everything, throw in as many tests, procedures, and medications as they can, and jack up that bill to get as much from the insurance companies as possible. They don't do this to people without insurance, then, they charge the minumum they can get away with and still get paid for their work. there are, amazingly, still a few of them that actually care about their patients. Scarcer than chicken lips, but still a few.
Also there is a rule that as long as you are making regular payments, they can't harrass you for payment. So what you do if you're in our spot (before we found out about the state insurance that is for people with no income to speak of) is send them 10.00 every month until they give up on you. But if you have insurance they will charge you, and I am for once not exaggerating here, $15.00 for an aspirin! I'm not joking. The cancer treatment that saved Brad's life to someone without insurance was $6900.00, and $158.00 to administer it - a shot. Since we didn't have insurance then, he got it free from the manufacturer since we had proof of income, or rather proof of no income, and there was also a state program that got him everything he needed for 6 months. So they won't just let you die.
Then when we got the insurance, only about 120.00 a month each, compared to close to 500.00 each if you have any sort of income, he no longer was elegible for the free treatment. I just asked him how it's going to work now that he has insurance. He said he didn't know and he was worried. I said "Oh god", and he right away said not to worry, they won't let him die or come over and take everything we own to pay their bill. This is a once-every-four-month shot. Seven thousand dollars. So if it's like usual, we will get a bill that shows what insurance paid, and the balance, and we will send them $5. a month for the rest of his life. The whole medical situation down here is so bad, and the doctors so overcharge, that Brad's mother, who is insurance savvy, said: "Hell, just send the fu---rs a dollar a month!". Those docs would have you believing they are living under a bridge with all their belongings in a shopping cart, since they make soooooooooo little . . . They're just like those baseball players that went on strike because they didn't get paid enough. They NEEDED LOTS of millions, not just SOME millions. Human greed is one of the most fascinating occurences out there, from the point of view of a person who is interested in Psychology and Sociology.
Fortunately the Hippocratic Oath compels them to keep you alive whether you're a millionaire or not. They pretty much HAVE to treat you if you're in a life-threatening position. Otherwise, the business to be in would be Mortuary Owner. Cemeteries would outnumber parking lots. People make me sick. I have two sayings that I made up. They are:
People are great, until you get to know them.
People are horrible, until you get to know them.
They are both equally applicable.
What started this rant?
Oh yeah, me getting madder than hell at the situation up there that makes it so you can't go get your knee fixed. I absolutely HATE it when someone I care about is getting jacked around by doctors.
Brad was so happy when I told him you were glad he got that framing job from his friend on Pharmer.org, and that you say hi to him all the time. He has a cute little couple in their 20s - actually the people he's framing for - and the poor little gal has so many really horrible things wrong with her that it's just a miracle she's still alive. She's like Brad with that amazing positive attitude. Then the other day, she found out she has a cancer tumor the size of a golf ball in one of her breasts. And for years they've been telling her she has lupus, but then the other day, they changed their minds and now say it's fibromyalgia. She has diabetes, which is getting worse, too. And she's just incredibly upbeat. Like Brad. Me? I worry like hell about everything in the world, and fall off the edge when there is even a tiny little dinky cloud on the far, far horizon.
I better stop. My arm and thumb hurt. I have osteoarthritis. But what it really feels like is that every ligament and tendon in my body is inflamed. As soon as I am approved (IF I'm approved) for SSD, I'm going to go to UNM Hospital in Albuquerque and get 20 or 30 of those doctors down there to find out what's wrong with me and make them fix it. That is supposed to be one of the best teaching-hospitals in the
country. Wish me luck. (Even though I know you always do.)
Til the next rant,
A5
No, if you have a heart attack in the US, it costs more like 3/4 of a million. Because what they do is charge (if the patient has insurance) outrageous prices for everything, throw in as many tests, procedures, and medications as they can, and jack up that bill to get as much from the insurance companies as possible. They don't do this to people without insurance, then, they charge the minumum they can get away with and still get paid for their work. there are, amazingly, still a few of them that actually care about their patients. Scarcer than chicken lips, but still a few.
Also there is a rule that as long as you are making regular payments, they can't harrass you for payment. So what you do if you're in our spot (before we found out about the state insurance that is for people with no income to speak of) is send them 10.00 every month until they give up on you. But if you have insurance they will charge you, and I am for once not exaggerating here, $15.00 for an aspirin! I'm not joking. The cancer treatment that saved Brad's life to someone without insurance was $6900.00, and $158.00 to administer it - a shot. Since we didn't have insurance then, he got it free from the manufacturer since we had proof of income, or rather proof of no income, and there was also a state program that got him everything he needed for 6 months. So they won't just let you die.
Then when we got the insurance, only about 120.00 a month each, compared to close to 500.00 each if you have any sort of income, he no longer was elegible for the free treatment. I just asked him how it's going to work now that he has insurance. He said he didn't know and he was worried. I said "Oh god", and he right away said not to worry, they won't let him die or come over and take everything we own to pay their bill. This is a once-every-four-month shot. Seven thousand dollars. So if it's like usual, we will get a bill that shows what insurance paid, and the balance, and we will send them $5. a month for the rest of his life. The whole medical situation down here is so bad, and the doctors so overcharge, that Brad's mother, who is insurance savvy, said: "Hell, just send the fu---rs a dollar a month!". Those docs would have you believing they are living under a bridge with all their belongings in a shopping cart, since they make soooooooooo little . . . They're just like those baseball players that went on strike because they didn't get paid enough. They NEEDED LOTS of millions, not just SOME millions. Human greed is one of the most fascinating occurences out there, from the point of view of a person who is interested in Psychology and Sociology.
Fortunately the Hippocratic Oath compels them to keep you alive whether you're a millionaire or not. They pretty much HAVE to treat you if you're in a life-threatening position. Otherwise, the business to be in would be Mortuary Owner. Cemeteries would outnumber parking lots. People make me sick. I have two sayings that I made up. They are:
People are great, until you get to know them.
People are horrible, until you get to know them.
They are both equally applicable.
What started this rant?
Oh yeah, me getting madder than hell at the situation up there that makes it so you can't go get your knee fixed. I absolutely HATE it when someone I care about is getting jacked around by doctors.
Brad was so happy when I told him you were glad he got that framing job from his friend on Pharmer.org, and that you say hi to him all the time. He has a cute little couple in their 20s - actually the people he's framing for - and the poor little gal has so many really horrible things wrong with her that it's just a miracle she's still alive. She's like Brad with that amazing positive attitude. Then the other day, she found out she has a cancer tumor the size of a golf ball in one of her breasts. And for years they've been telling her she has lupus, but then the other day, they changed their minds and now say it's fibromyalgia. She has diabetes, which is getting worse, too. And she's just incredibly upbeat. Like Brad. Me? I worry like hell about everything in the world, and fall off the edge when there is even a tiny little dinky cloud on the far, far horizon.
I better stop. My arm and thumb hurt. I have osteoarthritis. But what it really feels like is that every ligament and tendon in my body is inflamed. As soon as I am approved (IF I'm approved) for SSD, I'm going to go to UNM Hospital in Albuquerque and get 20 or 30 of those doctors down there to find out what's wrong with me and make them fix it. That is supposed to be one of the best teaching-hospitals in the
country. Wish me luck. (Even though I know you always do.)
Til the next rant,
A5
touch the screen ,can you feel my pain
my friends im so tired and sad ,the battle rages on in my head ,i feel like i will explode ,if i could split open my skull and let the raging demons out and fight them hand to hand ,but no they hide in dark places,were i can only reach with my toughts and not my hands ,my pain has manifested itself as anger .a short snappy temper at anything ,my wife told me today im getting worse ,that really has hurt me ,i think when shes asleep tonight i will cry ,it sometimes helps, the tears burn but at least i can wipe that pain away ,i dont want sympathey you all no that it does me no good ,i just need to let it out .my job is harder now the evening work has started ,
i was bitten very badly on the stomach the other day ,i have a judinal ulser so it was extra painful .were will it end ,when will it end ,will i be allowed to die happy ,will i die taking my last breath from a heart attack layed in the dirt or on a street ,will i be savaged by a crazy dog ,will i hit my head too hard against the wall when the pain is to much ,misjuge it and unwittingly kill myself ,could i possibly die in peace free of deppression if only for a moment of time .could i be allowed to smile a real true smile or laugh a little and feel happy and normal ,i look at other people as i walk around wishing i could be like them look like them ,they look different to me i must be careful here there are many and i am only one ,i feel like my skin will peel and the hideous monster i am inside would show itself
people would run in horror ,as a million demons screamed as they flew in circles around me ,my chest hurts ,dont worry its stress but it is painful .your the only people who no these things im alone with this horror ,if my wife new this is how i felt she would be horrified ,and for her life ,we havent been out for 3 days she can only take few steps before shes out of breath ,she had a panic attack in the car the other day ,try driving when someone is paniking at the side of you ,we jumped out of the car at the side of the road and had to sit on the verge till she calmed down ,once she felt a little better i had to drive home at great speed before she started again ,i felt so angry and helpless ,but nowere to go ,so i swallowed it again,more pain and food for the devil within ,imagine being in hospital and your just feeling better from a bad fall ,and then the door opens and someone comes in and kicks the crap out of you ,that what its like for me i have a bad patch ,and drag myself up again ,and guess what bang down again ,this is the worst yet ,and im frightened of what the future may bring ,dont say tommorrow is another day ,the are no days here it just one long day with small periods of nightime .Weeks have no begining or end ,no rest from the pain ,sorry im crying now ,fran must not see this ,oh how i wish i could scream and cry out loud for hours and hours 43 years of hurt and pain is so hard to carry .
i must end this post now my good friends im touching the screen now ,can you feel the pain its so strong ,i will never sleep tonight ,goodnight happy july forth to my friends in america i will post again when i feel able ,crying again gotta go xn728 KEN
i was bitten very badly on the stomach the other day ,i have a judinal ulser so it was extra painful .were will it end ,when will it end ,will i be allowed to die happy ,will i die taking my last breath from a heart attack layed in the dirt or on a street ,will i be savaged by a crazy dog ,will i hit my head too hard against the wall when the pain is to much ,misjuge it and unwittingly kill myself ,could i possibly die in peace free of deppression if only for a moment of time .could i be allowed to smile a real true smile or laugh a little and feel happy and normal ,i look at other people as i walk around wishing i could be like them look like them ,they look different to me i must be careful here there are many and i am only one ,i feel like my skin will peel and the hideous monster i am inside would show itself
people would run in horror ,as a million demons screamed as they flew in circles around me ,my chest hurts ,dont worry its stress but it is painful .your the only people who no these things im alone with this horror ,if my wife new this is how i felt she would be horrified ,and for her life ,we havent been out for 3 days she can only take few steps before shes out of breath ,she had a panic attack in the car the other day ,try driving when someone is paniking at the side of you ,we jumped out of the car at the side of the road and had to sit on the verge till she calmed down ,once she felt a little better i had to drive home at great speed before she started again ,i felt so angry and helpless ,but nowere to go ,so i swallowed it again,more pain and food for the devil within ,imagine being in hospital and your just feeling better from a bad fall ,and then the door opens and someone comes in and kicks the crap out of you ,that what its like for me i have a bad patch ,and drag myself up again ,and guess what bang down again ,this is the worst yet ,and im frightened of what the future may bring ,dont say tommorrow is another day ,the are no days here it just one long day with small periods of nightime .Weeks have no begining or end ,no rest from the pain ,sorry im crying now ,fran must not see this ,oh how i wish i could scream and cry out loud for hours and hours 43 years of hurt and pain is so hard to carry .
i must end this post now my good friends im touching the screen now ,can you feel the pain its so strong ,i will never sleep tonight ,goodnight happy july forth to my friends in america i will post again when i feel able ,crying again gotta go xn728 KEN
just a quick call
not much change today ,backed into a corner i cant get out of ,never mind i will let the dark one have its fun ,and then i will pick my self up ,i thought i was weak crying but then i realised i am strong ,im still here after all this ,the visitor stalks the corridors of my mind looking for the door that will let it into my soul ,but this can never happen .the power that gave me the horror of depprestion ,also gave me an incredable strengh to stay alive and fight ,any normal person would have given up a long time ago ,so many times i would have like to spread my brains along with this evil dark force ,all over a wall somewere ,no not ever because then i would be weak ,so all you new friends who may read this ,i have,nt been able to comment on your posts ,so be brave and read and learn you all have the strentgh to go on,you must no matter how hard ,you will cry and scream ,and yes you will sometimes wish you were dead ,talk to us dont be afraid or embarrest ,reach out and we will catch your fall ,welcome home . to my special friends i will not post till next weekend now ,it is my wifes birthday on saturday and i must get better somehow ,and i have to work evenings also ,stay safe ,and aurelia,i now your not to happy with the forum at the moment ,just stick with it ,you,ll be fine ,see you next sunday bye xn728 KEN
Keep up the fight, Ken.
We are here rooting for you.
I knew that it was expensive for health care in the states, didn't realize that it was that much for a heart attack.
Since we are Canadians, I think that we have to pay for all of it,up front. I know that some people have flown home, because it is cheaper to get our care here.
I always get confused whether it is the Hippocratic Oath, or the
Hypocritical Oath.
Look forward to hearing from you.
We are here rooting for you.
I knew that it was expensive for health care in the states, didn't realize that it was that much for a heart attack.
Since we are Canadians, I think that we have to pay for all of it,up front. I know that some people have flown home, because it is cheaper to get our care here.
I always get confused whether it is the Hippocratic Oath, or the
Hypocritical Oath.
Look forward to hearing from you.
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