Hello. Here to try and get some understanding

[BlackMedick]

Hello,

I'm 22, I live in Paris and I...oh whatever. I've been struggling with depression for years. Went through lots of different coursesof therapy, some helped a bit in my understanding of the sickness. But the sneaky one evolves, it seems.

I used to be horribly sad all the time. I would cut, try to forget with bulimia, try to kill myself in various ways, until I ended up in a psychiatric hospital that I couldn't leave for fear of the colorless world outside... I thought it couldn't get any worse. But after feeling so angry and sad for so long, I'm guessing I've inconsciously tuned off any kind of feelings. Emptiness is in many ways even worse than despair, just like being hated is somehow better than being ignored.

I just drift through life like a ghost, wishing to be able to really feel something for anyone, wishing to gain my passions back. I used to write and compose a lot, even when I was in the worst pains. Now I don't have the will to write anymore. Last time I tried to play the piano, I realised I had nothing to play. My head was empty. That made me feel extremely frustrated and lonely. I don't feel anything for my father and sister, and I am quite unable to love a man, or a woman for that matters. I get bored. I'm too tired to get to know them.

This is actually my first time ever writing about this on a forum, so I might be ranting a bit too much, and in the wrong place since this is an introduction.

And if you're wondering why I've decided to write on an English forum instead of a french one, I'd say it's because I feel more detached with that language, hence more secure.

[4EverMe]

Hi BlackMedick,
Your post is perfect for this forum, so, no worries!

I wanted to ask if you ever pray for help? Just curious and concerned for your welfare...

[fallen]

i was born in paris nice place to live.
sorry about how you are feeling, i know it sucks feeling that way.
i found filling my life with all the small things brought me a contentment, not happiness that is a lofty high goal, but definitely contentment.
i mean things like a good coffee, food it distracts the mind.
getting in to nature helps me , also calms the thoughts....
i know the blackness you are in.
are you on meds ? they help some people.
personally i don't do them, but you might find a good shrink or clinical psyhcologist that could change your view point on life.
i just started to see the other (clinical psyhcologist ) who knows maybe it will help me ! it is worth a thought.
i hope that you are feeling better today, know that some one cares.
take care

[BlackMedick]

4EverMe : Thank you for you concern. No, I don't actually pray, for I don't believe in God...But I suppose it's a chance to believe.

Fallen : I used to really love Paris, but the rain, crowded streets and empty eyes in the subway is making it harder and harder for me to live here. The all city is a big bundle of stress.
I understand what you mean by filling your life with small things, and I'm not a big believer of The Great Happiness concept either. The problem would be that I hardly find anything enjoyable anymore, unless it's destructive : alcohol, cigarettes, drugs and even food (but in large quantities).

I am not on meds but I used to be. It was a quite strong treatment and it worked pretty well, coupled with therapy. The problem was it made me really sluggish, which was okay back then when I was just concentrating on getting better, but now that I work...it would be a bit complicated.

I'm still trying to find that one psychologist I can really talk to, so I hope the one you're seeing will be able to help you getting better. The first step to curing the sickness is wanting to, right ?

And it does help knowing someone cares, and even more, someone understands.

Take care as well