Getting Too Close

For example: agoraphobia, claustrophobia, social phobia.

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crystalgaze
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Getting Too Close

Postby crystalgaze » Thu Feb 18, 2010 12:06 pm

This is a slight fear I have. I don't think it's too out of control, but I do live my life accordingly.

Most of the time, I tend to keep people at arm's length, so as to not get hurt. I have had enough people turn on me. That is the reason for keeping them at a distance. Another reason comes into play where people I've encountered didn't treat me well.

The 3rd & final reason (& this is the most major of them all) is that I am afraid I may be infected in a negative way and/or lose myself--stop using my own brain to think for myself or something like that & end up relying on someone else, especially in a romantic relationship.

I am afraid I may come down with "can't be without you/can't live without you" syndrome, which I don't want to have.

I do wish I didn't have to be so strong or on guard or independent all the time, but this is how I must remain to survive.....

Ah, well.....

TackingIntoTheWind
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Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Thu Feb 18, 2010 1:04 pm

I can very much identify with how you feel.
It's certainly reasonable to want to avoid getting hurt. And I know myself that it's unfortunately a fact that not everyone that I meet is going to treat me as they should. They are a few people I encounter from time to time in my life that I can be civil towards, but don't trust. And it's natural and healthy for you to want to keep a reasonable autonomy and independence in your relationships. ( Also, in my case, I'm worried that if someone gets too close to me, they might see all my " flaws " and think less of me. )
The only disagreement I would have with what you say, is that you talk as if the story is over. As if you were writing the biography of some historical figure, the outcome of which was already known.
Isn't possible, just possible, as your story IS still unfolding, the end might, just might, be different? Perhaps you do have to be so strong and on guard and independent all the time to survive, at the moment. ( I feel the same way quite often, and wonder sometimes if I can cope with what can seem a cold and frightening world. )
However, isn't it possible that in the unknown future in a world of 7 billion people, you might find someone who will offer you what you would like from a relationship, without arousing the fears that you've shared here?
I don't say that it will happen, but isn't that a possibility, at least a hope to cling to?
I am very much aware of my own shortcomings. I am aware of the odds of my meeting the " girl of my dreams " let alone sweeping her off her feet! But, I still nurture the hope that there is hope. That everyday I might, just might, meet the " girl of my dreams " or a new friend. perhaps it's a delusion, but I believe it's a healthy one.
Withdrawing into your " shell " is something we are do from time to time, just don't get trapped in your " shell ", y'hear!
Too much of anything, isolation or social contact is not always a good thing.
Good luck, stay strong in the struggle!

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Thu Feb 18, 2010 5:00 pm

I do believe it is already done.

Usually, I am very unstable in a relationship. If I don't take that approach, I fall apart horribly.

Now, I'm not really concerned with what the other person sees exactly ... It's more the fact that I fell apart because I don't know what I'm going to be when I break. It's quite scary. It's not like I have to know; I mean I don't know what real certainty there is in life.

(I can't even be sure the sun will come up every day... but so far for the past thousands, millions, maybe even billions of years, it seems like it has.)

I've had what I call personality changes. At one point, I cycled (spinning like in roulette), which I chronicled on the forum.... It was disturbing, to say the least--waking up one day, being totally contrary to how I am, wondering how I got there in such a short span of time, & not knowing how to recover or IF I'll recover. The way it happened was like a memory lapse or amnesia.... (knowing something is not right, but not knowing/seeing what that something is)

If I didn't have that issue lurking some place or the threat of that issue I think I could breathe/rest a little easier. I seem to be fine for now; I am only hoping I can maintain my current self, as I believe it is the 1 I am supposed to be--the kind, caring, loving person (probably almost to a fault) that I've been since I was a kid, but which expressing that made me a target for people's nastiness.

In a world of 7 billion people, I will say that there is a possibility.

However, how many of us will even come close to meeting a billion in a lifetime? 1,000,000? I always wondered about people on facebook, who have 1,000 or whatever "friends". I often ask myself, "How & when did that 1 person have time to talk to that many people (especially in any great detail) to determine the character of those individuals?"

I see your point, though.... I am not sure of how to overcome the personality changes & maintain myself + autonomy, other than my current method... I have seen how easily people adapt each others traits--especially young, young women here (barely 18, if that) + babies...

I see it quite a bit... One gal will have a child walking at her side; the next 1 walking with her will be undeniably pregnant & the 3rd with her will have one in the stroller.... (again, no offense to the people)

I do try to relax, but perfection is not possible.

TackingIntoTheWind
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Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Fri Feb 19, 2010 10:49 am

Perfection, even if it was achievable, would not be a desirable thing in my opinion. If something is perfect it, by definition, cannot be improved. Something perfected would have no capacity for growth or change or renewal, no potential, because it would literally already be the ultimate sum of it's every possibility. ( By my halidom, that sounds pretentious. Sorry! ) So, to me, not being perfect at least means that there are things that haven't been tried, paths that haven't been explored, answers that haven't been found. Although, I understand what you mean when you say that you're concerned about what you might be when you break. To some extent I feel the same. My personality is stable, but I am concerned about what another person might see when my depression and anxiety are at their worst. How many people could see me at my worst and then still respect me, have confidence in my ability to cope with the world, avoid feeling sorry for me, avoid seeing me as irreparably " flawed. " ?
Perhaps, as you say, the best that anyone can do is to hope and trust that the best parts of us represent the self that we are meant to be, and that this " best self " is who we truly are. That this " best self " is our own personal " default mode " to which we will always ultimately return.
As somebody said: " All that faith requires is that we surrender ourselves to the possibilty of hope. "
( PS If you ever suffer from insomnia, you can always lull yourself to sleep by reading this post again. I really have to learn to be more brief! )

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Fri Feb 19, 2010 1:34 pm

It just shows you thought about what you were going to say. You're just fine! ;)

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Thu May 20, 2010 11:10 am

((((((((((((( crystal )))))))))))

Although we are friends, through the computer, I am still a friend. If we were face to face, and you tried to keep me at 'arms length' I would simply push your arm down and just my arms to give you a gentle hug.

It is hard to trust, once hurt, but it can be done in time.

Just wanted you to know, you are cared for here.

Warmie

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Mon Jul 05, 2010 7:56 pm

Currently, the issue has minimized itself a bit. I am now a bit fearful of being too far away/left alone, but I know that being alone has been the story of my life and so I am embracing it.

(I don't know if I can count the times people came near me under false pretenses as good times.)

I have been trying to embrace being closer to people as well. However, what I find to be a bit hard is finding genuine friends or people who will stick with me + vice versa consistently.

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Mon Jul 05, 2010 8:19 pm

((( crystal ))) I hope you do find some peace in your life hon. You deserve it.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Mon Jul 05, 2010 11:12 pm

(((((((((((((((((( crystalgaze )))))))))))))))))))))))

Sending you a warm warm hug, just for you.

Warmie

Prycejosh1987
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Re: Getting Too Close

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Sun Jun 07, 2020 11:31 am

crystalgaze wrote:This is a slight fear I have. I don't think it's too out of control, but I do live my life accordingly.

Most of the time, I tend to keep people at arm's length, so as to not get hurt. I have had enough people turn on me. That is the reason for keeping them at a distance. Another reason comes into play where people I've encountered didn't treat me well.

The 3rd & final reason (& this is the most major of them all) is that I am afraid I may be infected in a negative way and/or lose myself--stop using my own brain to think for myself or something like that & end up relying on someone else, especially in a romantic relationship.

I am afraid I may come down with "can't be without you/can't live without you" syndrome, which I don't want to have.

I do wish I didn't have to be so strong or on guard or independent all the time, but this is how I must remain to survive.....

Ah, well.....

Trust happens over time. But you have to give people chances to grow on you.


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