Forgive me if I snap at you. I'm myself today.
If it wasn't for stress, I wouldn't have any energy at all.
It's time to get the earmuffs out. My ears are cold, I am just tired of hearing people whine.
It's hard to be thankful when you are stuffing bread crumbs up a cold turkey's butt at 5 a.m.
I wish a brighter star would appear in the east over Washington, D. C. We could use a few wise men up there.
I decide to bake this Christmas. So don't tell me miracles don't happen.
Notice how the recipe for gingerbread men doesn't call for manners or brains.
The great thing about gingerbread men is that each one is a new chance to bite somebody's head off.
This holiday makes me want to deck something... but it ain't the halls.
If I wanted a fat bald man to show up at my house with gifts, I'd do online dating.
I don't know when or how alcoholic beverages became such a big part of New Year's celebrations. But I likely!
There's a trick to driving on ice... and apparently nobody knows it.
My boss ask me to take an anger management course this year. I told him I'm angry enough with management as it is.
Some yoga positions really work. My boobs are closer to my chin than they have been in years.
My ex use to have this fantasy about me cleaning the house in a sexy French maid outfit... actually the fantasy was just about me cleaning the house.
The early bird may get the worm, but the night owl gets the tequila.
Well behaved women rarely make history. Or decent margaritas.
The only instant messaging I do is with my middle finger.
I make a killer chili... fortunately, I haven't been convicted yet.
Don't make me come over there, seriously my hip hurts.
I lost two pounds, one from each boob. Stupid diet!
There's nothing wrong with my finances that a million dollars in small, unmarked bills wouldn't fix.
Maxine's Motto:
Live your life in such a way that in the morning, when your feet hit the floor, Satan shudders and says... "Oh crap!" "She's awake!"
Warmie
