The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
--Calvin Trillin
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
--Fran Lebowitz
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
--Benjamin Disraeli
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
--Sam Levenson
Don't be humble; you are not that great.
--Golda Meir
God will pardon me.. It's His business.
--Heinrich Heine
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
--Joe E. Lewis
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
--Sam Goldwyn
A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
--Sam Goldwyn
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
--Jackie Mason
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
--Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
--Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy
--Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
--Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
--George Burns
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
--Milton Berle
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
--Sam Goldwyn
Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
--Ernie Kovacs
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
--George Burns
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
--Henry Kissinger
Warmie
