"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." — Jack Handey
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." — Jack Handey
"On the other hand, we have different fingers." — Jack Handey
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." — Jack Handey
"Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books." — Jack Handey
"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared." — Jack Handey
"Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?" — Jack Handey
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." — Jack Handey
Warmie
