My Story.
Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:02 pm
This is my first time doing anything remotely like this so please bear with me.
Let me start off by telling you how I appear to other people. I am told repeatedly that I am beautiful. I am what would be considered popular; I have more friends than I can count. I was homecoming queen and prom queen. I was a cheerleader, had a 4.0 GPA, and I snagged myself a full-ride to my state's university solely on my academics. I have no trouble finding dates. To everyone else, I lead a perfect life.
People are so shallow. To me, I am the ugliest, most despicable person I know.
From a young age, I always thought there was something wrong with me for feeling so sad all the time. My dad left when I was five. He barely speaks to me, especially now that I am an adult. Not that the material things are what matters, but he can buy my stepmom and step-siblings expensive new cars (Jaguar, Porsche, and BMW) and go on huge vacations and yet tells me that if I ever want to come visit, I have to buy my own plane ticket because he can't afford it. Even so, I feel so selfish for allowing this upset me because I have been blessed with an amazing stepfather who will go to the end of the world and back for me.
My mother is ridiculously manipulative. I am the only child, and she continuously makes me feel like I am a horrible person for nothing, and then mocks me when I cry or get upset about it. She mocked me and laughed at me when I suspected I had some sort of depression.
Mostly because of her, I tried to brush it off all my life. My first real run-on with suicide was when I was fifteen and had an abusive boyfriend. I allowed myself to fall so deep into a hole that I thought I couldn't live without him. I survived the suicide attempt, got away from him, transferred schools, and I was fine.
Since then, I've been mostly okay, graduated high school, moved on to college, yada yada yada. As of late, I can feel myself spiraling back into that hole again and I don't know how to stop. I am ridiculously lonely because I have no one to talk to. My college/future is stressing. I am broke. I live in a small town with my parents for the summer where "misery loves company" is an understatement. No matter how many friends I have, I still feel like I'm so alone in a room full of people. I feel so trapped. The only time I feel happy is when I go further south, so I'm considering a move to Florida once I graduate in the next year or so and can be independent of my mother.
I feel so selfish for feeling so depressed because I know there are people with much worse situations. And my selfishness only makes me despise myself even more.
Let me start off by telling you how I appear to other people. I am told repeatedly that I am beautiful. I am what would be considered popular; I have more friends than I can count. I was homecoming queen and prom queen. I was a cheerleader, had a 4.0 GPA, and I snagged myself a full-ride to my state's university solely on my academics. I have no trouble finding dates. To everyone else, I lead a perfect life.
People are so shallow. To me, I am the ugliest, most despicable person I know.
From a young age, I always thought there was something wrong with me for feeling so sad all the time. My dad left when I was five. He barely speaks to me, especially now that I am an adult. Not that the material things are what matters, but he can buy my stepmom and step-siblings expensive new cars (Jaguar, Porsche, and BMW) and go on huge vacations and yet tells me that if I ever want to come visit, I have to buy my own plane ticket because he can't afford it. Even so, I feel so selfish for allowing this upset me because I have been blessed with an amazing stepfather who will go to the end of the world and back for me.
My mother is ridiculously manipulative. I am the only child, and she continuously makes me feel like I am a horrible person for nothing, and then mocks me when I cry or get upset about it. She mocked me and laughed at me when I suspected I had some sort of depression.
Mostly because of her, I tried to brush it off all my life. My first real run-on with suicide was when I was fifteen and had an abusive boyfriend. I allowed myself to fall so deep into a hole that I thought I couldn't live without him. I survived the suicide attempt, got away from him, transferred schools, and I was fine.
Since then, I've been mostly okay, graduated high school, moved on to college, yada yada yada. As of late, I can feel myself spiraling back into that hole again and I don't know how to stop. I am ridiculously lonely because I have no one to talk to. My college/future is stressing. I am broke. I live in a small town with my parents for the summer where "misery loves company" is an understatement. No matter how many friends I have, I still feel like I'm so alone in a room full of people. I feel so trapped. The only time I feel happy is when I go further south, so I'm considering a move to Florida once I graduate in the next year or so and can be independent of my mother.
I feel so selfish for feeling so depressed because I know there are people with much worse situations. And my selfishness only makes me despise myself even more.
. I know that you will get better, and I wish you the best of luck. Your next step now is finding a way to consult a therapist, you can do this!