Illusions only left
Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2010 2:15 pm
well...here i am, my story began 19 years ago, but it was never written down
nor will it be now, this is just an introduction to who i am...
a young guy, an outcast so to say... well...i was never by a professional psychologist or something, i dont need that to know something's wrong...
the major factor for my depressions is my family i would guess... i'm living in an Islamic country... i'm forced to believe in God tough i hate him... better said i used to hate him...i dont believe anymore... but i have to pretend i do... and i'm gay... which in Islam is like... one of the worst things ever...u know what i mean. well... i found out for my love for boys when i was 13 and rape/seduced by our neighbours son(17 at that time)... rape/seduced cause ...i was forced but i didnt really resisted... moreover i developed some kind of "relationship with him" ... tough we moved and i never saw him again. since then... i forced myself to go out and "do things" with girls...so people would talk like "hey he changed his girl again" in order to hide my sexuality... i hate female bodies...they make me feel sick...second thing... i have an older brother. he's like the star of our family... i'm just the shadow he's casting...and it's not the usual 'buah im the younger one blablabla i need attention'. i heard my parents say many times how he is more important to them than me... that i'm just like 'running after him' always the second placed one... i became more liberate tough... i started saying my mind openly on some things...which lead my parents to distance themselves from me even more... im living alone now, talking to them like... once every 2 weeks. they are the dudes who made me i'm the dude they have to spend money on...that's our relationship. when was it i noticed something's wrong with me...very early.. when i was 8 or something...i read stories back then bout people cutting themselves... i wanted too but never did, it would show off my secret... i decided to turn my body in a golden temple, keeping it clean and always perfect...which makes me a guy with a cute handsome outside, but a very destructed inside... the pain i felt... slowly it wasnt only mental anymore...it became physical... a hard pain in the chest, not the heart...more the lungs... as if the air u breath "burns" ur lungs... when it's strong it makes me curl up...u know like a fetus does...i breath heavy...sometimes i loose my breath completely...it never lasts more than some seconds tough... but it comes often...
i wanted to share the pain... i started molesting animals...cats and dogs...but soon i stopped... their eyes... they seem so,loyal...the animals i mean... not long after my hate completely turned against humans...instead of animals...
since i was disappointed in the people...the humans as race, i turned to animals, i developed a love for them, i'm in the local fighters for animal rights society helping wherever i can... i created an illusionate world with the time... i hate the world as it is now... my goddess is nature...sometimes i talk to her...like people do to god, i just talk with the planet... i get lost in this dream world i created... lately i find myself confusing reality with dream...it kinda...sinks one into the other...which has no bad result... i dont wanna end up in an asylum... i'm normal... not completely but still...
from outside im normal...i have many "friends" people like me for some reason...but i dont like them... they dont know who i am...they just see the outside... they dont even care to find out bout me as long as... i dunno... but it's funny... since i dont talk bout myself i heard a lot of weird stories people make up bout u... like girls saying 'he's gay he didnt want to f*** me' which is kinda true but it's funny how they do it... or people saying im arrogant or something but i dont even know them...they never even bothered to talk to me...
of course there are those too laughing bout me and my weirdness...
ah damn, i've got enough... this is actually the first time i reveal so much at once bout me... i need a walk
bye
nor will it be now, this is just an introduction to who i am...
a young guy, an outcast so to say... well...i was never by a professional psychologist or something, i dont need that to know something's wrong...
the major factor for my depressions is my family i would guess... i'm living in an Islamic country... i'm forced to believe in God tough i hate him... better said i used to hate him...i dont believe anymore... but i have to pretend i do... and i'm gay... which in Islam is like... one of the worst things ever...u know what i mean. well... i found out for my love for boys when i was 13 and rape/seduced by our neighbours son(17 at that time)... rape/seduced cause ...i was forced but i didnt really resisted... moreover i developed some kind of "relationship with him" ... tough we moved and i never saw him again. since then... i forced myself to go out and "do things" with girls...so people would talk like "hey he changed his girl again" in order to hide my sexuality... i hate female bodies...they make me feel sick...second thing... i have an older brother. he's like the star of our family... i'm just the shadow he's casting...and it's not the usual 'buah im the younger one blablabla i need attention'. i heard my parents say many times how he is more important to them than me... that i'm just like 'running after him' always the second placed one... i became more liberate tough... i started saying my mind openly on some things...which lead my parents to distance themselves from me even more... im living alone now, talking to them like... once every 2 weeks. they are the dudes who made me i'm the dude they have to spend money on...that's our relationship. when was it i noticed something's wrong with me...very early.. when i was 8 or something...i read stories back then bout people cutting themselves... i wanted too but never did, it would show off my secret... i decided to turn my body in a golden temple, keeping it clean and always perfect...which makes me a guy with a cute handsome outside, but a very destructed inside... the pain i felt... slowly it wasnt only mental anymore...it became physical... a hard pain in the chest, not the heart...more the lungs... as if the air u breath "burns" ur lungs... when it's strong it makes me curl up...u know like a fetus does...i breath heavy...sometimes i loose my breath completely...it never lasts more than some seconds tough... but it comes often...
i wanted to share the pain... i started molesting animals...cats and dogs...but soon i stopped... their eyes... they seem so,loyal...the animals i mean... not long after my hate completely turned against humans...instead of animals...
since i was disappointed in the people...the humans as race, i turned to animals, i developed a love for them, i'm in the local fighters for animal rights society helping wherever i can... i created an illusionate world with the time... i hate the world as it is now... my goddess is nature...sometimes i talk to her...like people do to god, i just talk with the planet... i get lost in this dream world i created... lately i find myself confusing reality with dream...it kinda...sinks one into the other...which has no bad result... i dont wanna end up in an asylum... i'm normal... not completely but still...
from outside im normal...i have many "friends" people like me for some reason...but i dont like them... they dont know who i am...they just see the outside... they dont even care to find out bout me as long as... i dunno... but it's funny... since i dont talk bout myself i heard a lot of weird stories people make up bout u... like girls saying 'he's gay he didnt want to f*** me' which is kinda true but it's funny how they do it... or people saying im arrogant or something but i dont even know them...they never even bothered to talk to me...
of course there are those too laughing bout me and my weirdness...
ah damn, i've got enough... this is actually the first time i reveal so much at once bout me... i need a walk
bye