Depression Understood Forums

Well, I don't know where to begin. I'm not quite good at talking about myself let alone share my story of where and how and why I got this way. I'm still asking myself what happened that made me this way or feel this way.
My names Melissa, I'm 20 years old. I live in Minnesota and go to college.
I'm not sure exactly what happened to me to make me so down and harsh on myself but in 8th grade is when I started to stop talking to people. I started to feel like the ugly duckling at school, I was so shy and pretty soon my frustration and my feelings were vented into a journal I kept and then I started to self harm myself. That's the time in my life where I wouldn't say a word at school, I hung out by myself I just stopped caring about life. People around me didn't even notice me or even say hi. My family was dealing with my mother's sickness so I had nobody to really talk with. I felt more alone than ever. I started to go to counseling and take medication but pretty soon I gave up on that and my parents never really pushed me.
Going through high school was tough, I was home schooled for the first semester of 9th grade because I would get severe anxiety attacks and would stay home. Pretty soon I was forced to go back to public school and during high school I felt like I was a zombie, I never let myself be happy, I couldn't let myself be happy because I would find something negative about myself and dwell on that and tell myself that I'm not good enough or I won't ever be good enough.
I don't know where I'm going with this but I started college this past fall and something happened where I was so outgoing and so talkative but I never and don't talk about myself or my past. These past months though I've been secluding myself and hiding from people. I feel like I was avoiding all my problems and trying to actually make friends but now I just feel like I've lost all my friends, I've let myself down and at night is when everything catches up to me. I feel more alone than ever right now, I've never had a true friend I could sit and talk with for hours.

I guess that's a start, it's kinda a jumble of words but I just started to type what came to mind. I can't really describe or tell how I feel or what caused this but I've been dealing with my depression and anxiety since I was about 14 years old. So about 6 years. I feel like it's something that's going to stop be from having a happy and 'normal' life.

So yeah.

(((((( mel234 ))))))))))

I'm always here for you, chat or on the forums, please pm me if you wanna talk one on one ever agian

As I said in chat, I didn't want to tell my story, although you seem interested, so its on the forums, couple topics down

Everyone's here for you, just talk

Take care,
Best wished,

Justin

Hi there Mel! I was wondering: Do you think you'd want to try counseling services at school? You sound like you might be a bit overwhelmed....

Counseling services was my rock for a good bit of the time when I was in undergrad.

It's just a thought. (((((((((((((( Mel )))))))))))))))

Hugs to you & hoping you will be able to jump the hurdle soon.

Thanks Justin.

crystalgaze - About four weeks ago I had a pretty bad breakdown and that same week I went to see a counselor. But due to scheduling and stuff I haven't been back in three weeks, but this week I'm going to see the counselor again. Idk if I like it or not because I just don't like sitting in a room talking about my feelings and myself in particular, but I am trying it out for right now.

Update:

Hey guys,

I haven't been around much but I've still been the same. I was doing pretty well in the summer, pretty much worked the entire time. So I was able to get through that.

I'm back in school and it's getting way stressful but I feel like the past few weeks have been terrible for me. I have my days where I have no motivation to do anything at all. I will sleep or take walks around town, thinking.
Thinking get's me into trouble because sometimes it scares me how much I think about death and how it would be SO easier if I wasn't around anymore.

I just can't be happy, I just can't enjoy the things I used to anymore. My friends, well the two I have, are slowly just slipping away, partly my fault.
I'm so tired of having this battle with myself every single day and I just want it to get better:/

Hi Mel! Nice to see you again!

I'm hoping you feel better soon.... If you can get to a doctor, it might help. Maybe meds may work for you.

Please don't give up yet because it can/may very well get better. I forgot exactly who, but there was someone who posted on the forum recently telling about the experience with medicine & that it had helped tremendously. (It took a few months & consistency, though.)

Do your friends know about how you feel? If not, you may want to explain it briefly to them. "You know guys, some days I just really don't feel that great. It's nothing personally against you all, & I hope you'll bear with me." I don't know something like that maybe??

((((((((((((((((( Mel ))))))))))))))))))))))

I am really considering seeing a doctor because these 'moods' I get in just keep getting worse and I get upset over nothing really! It's like all this anguish is built up in me and then one thing will set it off into a series of domino effects.

There was a time when I was in the staircase hallway (I live in a dorm) and was crying hard and one of my friends came and sat with me, he wouldn't leave and he just sat there with me. I have explained to my friends when I get this way to just don't take offense if I say anything because I really can't explain it.

But thanks for your words.

Here's an update:

Sunday afternoon I had an anxiety attack, most of the time I am able to control it and cope and manage them but that day, I was a mess. Suicide thoughts were coming strong in my mind and I couldn't help but cry because of how badly that scared me.
As I was going back to school, I talked with my step-mom and mother about it, the first time I ever really opened up about it. They urged me to go the ER and get some help. I was really hesitate about it and scared that doctors would turn me away because nothing was 'wrong' with me.
Turns out, I was admitted to the Behavioral Mental Health Unit for a 72 hour hold and I was really angry at first because I didn't have those suicidal thoughts than and there so I shouldn't be here but after a day of sleep and being able to just sit and think I realized how much I needed this.
I was able to sit and think and talk with other people who share these same feelings, it's so much relief being able to sit and talk with someone who get's it. Who understands that dark hole and that feeling during those times.
I was able to receive medication and therapy for my depression but it also turns out I have anxiety and ADD. I got out earlier today and I feel so much better, I know I'm still gonna have my bad days, but I'm hoping this medication will help me slowly but surely. As well as, learning how to talk about what's going on with me and manage to cope with it better.