my story (trigger)
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I don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I barely eat anymore. I can't even find the energy to clean my own house. I've got 3 bags of trash sitting in my kitchen floor because i can't even go outside to put it in the dumpster. The litter box is overflowing. Dirty dishes on the counter. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not a dirty person. If my family or anyone I knew saw my house like this they would call 911. This isn't me. So who is this then? And still right now, instad of fixing it i'm on the computer. Instead i sign in 4 hours early for my shift in the room which means I'll be doing another 12 hour day again today. What the hell is wrong with me? I am one of the most organized people you will ever meet, but lately, i can't even organize a coherant thought. What am I doing? Trying to punish myself or something? For what? I haven't done anything wrong. Punishment for having a good income when so many are doing without? Punishment for having nice things when so many are on the streets? Punishment for eating every day when so many are hungry? For trying to have a life? I used to be the one with all the answers. Now all I have is questions. I'm embarassed. I'm ashamed. I'm not me anymore. So who the hell am I? Why can't anyone see me anymore? I scream and scream and nobody hears me. I'm crying but there's no tears left. I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't deserve it, so why am I doing it to myself? I can't keep going this way. Does anyone hear me? Do you see me? I don't know how to fix this. And I'm really scareing myself right now. Is this real? Is this my life now? Oh god can you see me?
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
((((((((((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))))
I read your words, that is my hearing you. I see your words, so I see you.
With all the changes you have had recently, it is understandable the phase you are in, the confusion, the hurt, the pain, the tears. It all goes hand in hand. You were living a life you were content with, daily routines, do this on a certain day, do that on another.
Now your world of security, for lack of words, has been turned upside down on you. The life you lived, thought you would always live, is no longer as it was, as you planned it to be. Suddenly you are thrown into a life you weren't prepared for. A link missing and you don't know which way to turn.
You are an organized person. Now with things as they are, you just don't care. You think, why bother? Then you see things that need to be done and wonder what the heck is going on with me, why haven't I all ready taken care of things?
The computer, the friends that you have made, the warmth and love you received from them is real. You need that, you need to know that you are cared for, worried about, and yes, even loved. It is real, you invite us into your home, you spend time with us. We share, we talk, we laugh and cry. We become a part of your life. It doesn't replace the link, but it helps you to get through what you must go through.
This helps fill some of that void you have, the emptiness that was consuming you is less. So you care less about a dirty dish or two, or your laundry doesn't get done on a certain day. Are they going any places? They will be there when you are ready to do them.
I am concerned about your health, about your getting the sleep you need, or eating properly. Getting 'ran down' health wise, is so easy to do at the stage you are in. I am asking you to please consider to do your best to improve that. For yourself, for us, for me.
I know you are making changes, and those changes are good! Very proud of you. Although you maybe scared out of your mind, you are doing it for you know it is right. This is happening, and it will be soon. Truly believe all things happen for a reason and we do not always understand why. We ask 'why me? Why, why, why'? This isn't going to change the way things are, but we are human, we ask just the same.
There is that saying, "when life gives you lemons, blah blah blah". I have wanted to put those "lemons" in a bag and beat the crap out of this so call 'life', pound it over the head until there is that lemonade. Wouldn't change the situation but sure would make me feel a whole lot better.
Yes, I DO know what I am talking about. Would never type something, advice or encouragement, to you if I hadn't gone through it myself. I am sorry this is so long, just needed to tell you, it is all right to feel as you do, you will adjust, give yourself time. The people and family that love you, will not judge you, they will understand more than you realize.
Don't be so hard on yourself and the key word is time....try as you can to get that wonderful Lady that I have come to know, back.
Keep talking, expressing, here for you. Believe in yourself, you can, will and are making it, one tiny step at a time.
Warmie
I read your words, that is my hearing you. I see your words, so I see you.
With all the changes you have had recently, it is understandable the phase you are in, the confusion, the hurt, the pain, the tears. It all goes hand in hand. You were living a life you were content with, daily routines, do this on a certain day, do that on another.
Now your world of security, for lack of words, has been turned upside down on you. The life you lived, thought you would always live, is no longer as it was, as you planned it to be. Suddenly you are thrown into a life you weren't prepared for. A link missing and you don't know which way to turn.
You are an organized person. Now with things as they are, you just don't care. You think, why bother? Then you see things that need to be done and wonder what the heck is going on with me, why haven't I all ready taken care of things?
The computer, the friends that you have made, the warmth and love you received from them is real. You need that, you need to know that you are cared for, worried about, and yes, even loved. It is real, you invite us into your home, you spend time with us. We share, we talk, we laugh and cry. We become a part of your life. It doesn't replace the link, but it helps you to get through what you must go through.
This helps fill some of that void you have, the emptiness that was consuming you is less. So you care less about a dirty dish or two, or your laundry doesn't get done on a certain day. Are they going any places? They will be there when you are ready to do them.
I am concerned about your health, about your getting the sleep you need, or eating properly. Getting 'ran down' health wise, is so easy to do at the stage you are in. I am asking you to please consider to do your best to improve that. For yourself, for us, for me.
I know you are making changes, and those changes are good! Very proud of you. Although you maybe scared out of your mind, you are doing it for you know it is right. This is happening, and it will be soon. Truly believe all things happen for a reason and we do not always understand why. We ask 'why me? Why, why, why'? This isn't going to change the way things are, but we are human, we ask just the same.
There is that saying, "when life gives you lemons, blah blah blah". I have wanted to put those "lemons" in a bag and beat the crap out of this so call 'life', pound it over the head until there is that lemonade. Wouldn't change the situation but sure would make me feel a whole lot better.
Yes, I DO know what I am talking about. Would never type something, advice or encouragement, to you if I hadn't gone through it myself. I am sorry this is so long, just needed to tell you, it is all right to feel as you do, you will adjust, give yourself time. The people and family that love you, will not judge you, they will understand more than you realize.
Don't be so hard on yourself and the key word is time....try as you can to get that wonderful Lady that I have come to know, back.
Keep talking, expressing, here for you. Believe in yourself, you can, will and are making it, one tiny step at a time.
Warmie
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
I don't know what to think Jeanie. Most days I am fine. But some days this darkness just hits me from out of nowhere. And it's black as black can be. I just want to die. And I know that' my PTSD. But those black days are coming more often. But there is a lot going on. My husband died, I lost everything I have, I quit my job, I started taking care of my grandson, daughter has another one on the way, now she's out of work and might lose their home, I have a friend moving in with me, and that's just the past 6 months! Maybe it's just catching up to me. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I finally feel like I'm taking control of my life again and now I keep getting these flashes where I feel like I'm losing it all. Last night I wanted to cut. I'm not a cutter! But I wanted to just to see what it was like. To see if it would really ease the pain. I didn't do it, but it really scared me. Past 6 months hell, most of that up there is just the past month! I feel invisible. Three times I tried to talk in main chat and nobody noticed me. Nobody saw me. 60 chatters, 3 of them ops and nobody saw me. I truely love what I do. I really do. But I couldn't even find solice in that. I'm happy when my daughter is here with me. Or is it I'm faking it really good? I don't even know anymore. I go to bed crying and I wake up crying. I don't know how to stop anymore.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
((((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))))
Time to see a doctor? Ask for help?
You may find things better when you aren't alone. It is difficult to face even just normal everyday, alone. With your friend moving in soon, things may change. You will have company, someone to talk with, cook for, spend time with. It won't be 'just you'. Won't be long.
When chatting in the room, let them know "I need some support". Being an Op you have to do that sometimes. The chatters care, they just forget we deal with the same issues and need support ourselves.
Think about seeing the doctor, check on meds and all, okay.
Warmie
Time to see a doctor? Ask for help?
You may find things better when you aren't alone. It is difficult to face even just normal everyday, alone. With your friend moving in soon, things may change. You will have company, someone to talk with, cook for, spend time with. It won't be 'just you'. Won't be long.
When chatting in the room, let them know "I need some support". Being an Op you have to do that sometimes. The chatters care, they just forget we deal with the same issues and need support ourselves.
Think about seeing the doctor, check on meds and all, okay.
Warmie
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
(((((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))))))))))
So pleased you called the doctor. A good move on your part. Who knows for sure if you will have to do therapy again, BUT it it helps you then isn't that good?
Huh? What? Why in the name of God would I be disappointed in you? You are my friend!!! I didn't hire you hon, you volunteered. I personally am so thankful you did, that you are in my life and most thankful that I can call you friend.
You are tired, get some rest and when you get back, I will still be around. Takes a lot to get rid of me, not saying it can't be done, LOL.
Please take care of yourself.
Sorry I am just getting to answering this, just lots of things going on, to do. I try, honest.
(((((((((((((((((( Sharon ))))))))))))))))) rest please, for you and for me. We will talk, and soon.
Jeanie/Warmie
So pleased you called the doctor. A good move on your part. Who knows for sure if you will have to do therapy again, BUT it it helps you then isn't that good?
I'm sorry Jeanie. I know i'm a dissapointment. I hope you don't regret hiring me.
Huh? What? Why in the name of God would I be disappointed in you? You are my friend!!! I didn't hire you hon, you volunteered. I personally am so thankful you did, that you are in my life and most thankful that I can call you friend.
You are tired, get some rest and when you get back, I will still be around. Takes a lot to get rid of me, not saying it can't be done, LOL.
Please take care of yourself.
Sorry I am just getting to answering this, just lots of things going on, to do. I try, honest.
(((((((((((((((((( Sharon ))))))))))))))))) rest please, for you and for me. We will talk, and soon.
Jeanie/Warmie
((((((Obayan)))))) Warmie has such wise and caring words. I wish I had such wise things to say. All I can say is that I hear you, I see you and I care. I could see your wonderful warmth in the chat room and always hoped that you would be there when I entered. I am glad you have seen a doctor and asked for help. I believe in you...you can get through this darkness. My thoughts are with you, Michele
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