my story (trigger)

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Wed Jun 08, 2011 8:42 pm

(((((((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))))))))

With the good comes the bad, or with the bad comes the good. Either way you are getting a handle on it and making new friends alone the way. How great that is! Pleased for you.

Stay in touch, take care of yourself and I will always keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Jeanie
Last edited by Warmsoul/Jeanie13 on Thu Jun 09, 2011 9:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Wed Jun 08, 2011 10:24 pm

I can't put into words how much I miss you Jeanie. Give me a call sometime. I miss my friend.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Thu Jun 09, 2011 9:50 pm

(((((((((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))))))))

I miss you too!!!!!!!!!!!!

Part of my life now, sorry, you are struck with me now. :)

Jeanie

hollyann
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Postby hollyann » Thu Jun 09, 2011 10:42 pm

((((((Obayan)))))))) Sorry about the flashback. but I'm glad you got things accomplished today. Hope you saved me a plate. lol thinking of you. Don't over do. Hugs.

holly

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:16 am

Lost a job today. Wasn't even looking for one. They came to me. They wanted me to run their company. Just off my reputation. Then I didn't get it. Because I don't have a car anymore. My cougar, history. Nephew borrowed it, electrical system is fried now. Don't know what happened. But it's done. He can't fix it. I can't afford to fix it. I can't afford another one. My home, that I love so much and was so proud of.... is now a prison. One I can't leave. Can't walk. No public transportation around here. No car. No job. I know it's just a car. But it's the first thing I've ever owned that was all mine. It was freedom. And now it's gone. Two steps forward, 4 steps back. Can't get ahead, can't get a job to get ahead, can't get my life back again. I'm not going to win this one.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:54 am

((((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))

Life can throw many things at upi, we both know that. Yet, I know you, you someway find the courage and tackle whatever it is that comes to you.

You are strong willed and determined. Look at all you have dealt with, the lost, the inconveniences that you have endured. Your kindness to your family has always been there, although it has cost you in many ways.

You do believe what 'will be, will be'. You have told me that yourself. It is difficult to continue picking yourself and going on, but you do that. Hon, this came to you, what's to say it can't happen again?

Take care of yourself, remember you are loved by many.

Warmie

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Tue Jun 21, 2011 10:13 am

I keep thinking.... is this it? Is this all my life is going to be from now on? Sitting here in this house. Barely makeing it from month to month? Watching the same DVD's over and over again? Eating hot dogs and ramen noodles? This is it. It isn't going to get any better. I can't fix or replace the car. No car, no work. No work, nothing gets better. I sit in a house by myself looking at 4 walls. I can't walk anywhere. I don't have a wheelchair, well, I do, but it's the one Harlan died in and I ain't using it. No bus around here. Just to get my groceries I'm going to have to ask for a ride and if daughter is busy, I go without. I have to rely on her just to get to the doctor from now on. What if something happens here? I have no way to call 911 or get to some help or anything. I'm going to die here alone and one day someone will find the body laying in the floor days later. I know, a bit dramatic. But that's how I feel. All over a car. Add in the fact that I live in the country (nothing close by) and have already had 6 heart attacks and apparantly at least one stroke...... I'm screwed. Jeanie, I'm so tired. And it just keeps piling on. They've determined that I did have at least one stroke (most likely more) and have yet to make a decision on the MS. They said it's a series of what's called "silent strokes". I saw the MRI. I have not just one white spot on my brain, but they are all over. Little white dots of scar tissue from strokes I didn't even know I was having. I knew I was having trouble remembering things. My best friends name I forgot until my daughter reminded me. I've known her for 15 years. Could see her in my mind. But could not even come up with a single letter in her name. Too much. I'm tired. I keep getting to this point and finding some way to rally back, but this time I don't even want to. I'm ready Jeanie. I want to let go.

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Tue Jun 21, 2011 1:00 pm

Big big hugs ((((((((((((Obayan))))))))))). You are loved. Your life still has value, to us, to your daughter and beautiful grandchildren. I know what it is to face a last straw that makes you want to go with all your being and yet hang on out of obligation. I feel for you sister.

Have you tried again for disability or veteran's benefits? You might want to contact the Red Cross about obtaining your veteran's benefits if you haven't tried that route already.

Just trying to envision some way you could get a bit of extra cash coming in to fix the car, or hire a part-time helper once a week who could take you places, or if you qualify, medicaid, which can provide rides for medical appointments at least...do you have community mental health in your area? Do they offer case workers? A former friend had a case worker and she would take him to the grocery store, laundrymat, etc.

I don't know if any of this is feasible, but maybe talk to your daughter and tell her you need a little more. Maybe more visits with the grandkids. Maybe an outing every other week just for a few hours. I know she loves you, people just get wrapped up in their own lives and don't know how much we need them unless we tell them. I call my mom daily to check on her, maybe your daughter could do this too? Just a five minute call to see if you need anything, make sure you haven't fallen or anything.

What about your writing? Are you still writing children's stories? Studying? I had given up, but am trying to gear up to get back to trying some things. Its hard, I know, so hard.

I feel for you. I love you. I wish I could make things better for us both. Sending you thoughts of love, light, and gentle peace, along with big big hugs.

P.S. I have heard that MS progresses at different rates, please don't let all you read on the internet scare you. Try to trust your doctors. So sorry about the strokes and memory lapses. That must be frustrating and scarey. You are a wonderful human being obayan. The world needs more people like you, not less. Given all the cold cruel greedy people in the world, you are a treasure and try to remember that. You help others and have a kind spirit, which is more rare in this world than I used to think.

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Mon Aug 01, 2011 10:51 pm

Still here. Still kicking and fighting every step of the way.

Some good news.... it's not MS. It's intercranial ischemic atherosclerosis. Basically, my heart isn't pumping enough blood and pieces of my brain are dying from lack of oxygen and causing strokes. A series of mini strokes. So, now maybe we can get it fixed.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Tue Aug 02, 2011 12:01 am

((((((((((((((((( Sharon ))))))))))))))))

I for one am very thankful you are still here. Great news and keep the positive thoughts, I am for you.

Jeanie

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Tue Aug 02, 2011 11:45 am

((((((((Obayan)))))))))) warm thoughts your way and gentle hugs and love.

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Tue Sep 06, 2011 8:22 pm

If I had known, the last time I had a hug was going to be the very last hug, it would have lasted longer. If I had known the last kiss was the last kiss, it would have been more intense. If I had known the last words I ever spoke were to be the very last ones, they would have been kinder.

There is a word in the English language that is so overused, we had to come up with alternatives to replace it with. “me”. “I”. “myself”. We are so wrapped up in the “me”, we forget the “we”. We forget. We forget that others feel pain. We forget that others have needs. We forget there are others around us that would want to hear what we have to say or how we feel or what we think.

I been thinking about this all day.

Jeanie, I love you. I love you so much. It breaks my heart to ever think that I’ve let you down or disappointed you in some possible way. I’m not one to be intimidated by anyone. But you intimidate me. And it’s because you are strong and care so much. You are the person I wish I can someday be like. You are who I wanna be when I grow up. And I love you.

Greg, you are my rock. Just the sound of your voice gives me strength when I need it the most. You force me to look at reality and see what is right in front of me. You make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. In you, I find a whole new world full of possibilities.

Shatteredhopes, even though we’ve never met in person, you are a part of me. You are my family. In you, I find peace. When I see you enter the room, even just a online chat room, it makes me smile. You give me comfort. You make my world a better place to be in.

Holly, I love you sis. You know that. Yeah, life sucks sometimes. But we get thru it. Together. You are strong. And you are powerful. And just knowing you gives me the strength to keep fighting when all I want is to give up.

Stephen, you make me feel needed. Wanted. Like I have a purpose. You remind me that I’m a good person and make me want to be better.

Christina, I love you more than life itself. It warms my heart and brings tears to my eyes just knowing there is someone in my life like you. You make the sun rise each day and you are a warm blanket in the winter. You give me hope. You give me reason. You give me the air I breathe. You make me want to keep living.

Some might see it as sad. That the people in my life that mean so much to me are so far away. That those who mean the most to my heart, I’ve never even met. Me, I just feel honored to have been lucky enough to have people in my life that are what you are to me. Family. Friends. Love. Hope. Honor. Pride. Reason. Strength. This is what you all are to me. And well, I just wanted you to know it. People rarely tell those that mean the most to them how they feel about them. They let the small opportunities they may get pass them by silently. They let the moments pass until it’s gone. I think that is what’s sad. And I don’t want to be one of those people.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Tue Sep 06, 2011 9:56 pm

Jeanie, I love you. I love you so much. It breaks my heart to ever think that I’ve let you down or disappointed you in some possible way. I’m not one to be intimidated by anyone. But you intimidate me. And it’s because you are strong and care so much. You are the person I wish I can someday be like. You are who I wanna be when I grow up. And I love you.


((((((((((((( Sharon ))))))))))))))) You are part of my family. The love I have for you is like I have for my own. You have not let me down nor have you disappointed me, in any way. You are amazing, you deal with so much with yourself, yet you have the time, the care, the love to give to others. A great quality. For me it is an honor to add friend to your name.

For your being intimidated by me, worries me. A meaning of the word:

When someone is intimidated by someone, it means that they are fearful of them, the person is intimidated them by threats

I truly hope I have never made you feel that way about me. I care for you too much to want that.

You take care of yourself, for all of us, please.

Jeanie

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Tue Sep 06, 2011 11:27 pm

My dear friend, the only thing that I'm afraid of, is someday wakeing up and finding everything has changed. It's happened. I went to sleep one night pregnant and woke up to a life in my arms. I went to sleep one night a wife and woke up to a world that wasn't mine. My fear, is wakeing up to a world where i can't call my best friend. I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid of losing you. I'm afraid all the time. I'm afraid I won't do a good enough job here. I'm afraid I will be alone the rest of my life. I'm afraid one day my heart will get too tired to keep beating. I'm afraid I'll die alone in this house and nobody will find me. I'm afraid of a nock on my door. I'm afraid when someone yells and I can hear it. I'm afraid that one day my best friend will realise just how broken i am. Mostly, I'm afraid to smile. But never. Never. Am I afraid of you. You are strength. You are warmth. You are hope. You are faith. I died 3 years ago. I have sat in this house waiting for my body to figure that out. Inside, that's what i felt like. The life i was born into. The way i grew up. All the doctors now and meds and pain. My fear is that this is the life i deserve. My fear is that one day, my friend, my best friend, will see inside of me, and see this broken machine. A machine that needs to be replaced. A machine that doesn't deserve the respect, the care and the time that you give to me. My fear is that one day, you, all of you, will see what I see when i look in the mirror.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Wed Sep 07, 2011 1:38 am

((((((((((( Sharon ))))))))))))))

Our friendship is built on more than the 'one day' or the 'what ifs'. It is built on trust, understanding and that special bond that has grown.

Hon, if you will recall, I am also a broken machine, fighting battles daily but at this point I am not giving up. Whatever happens to me will, it will be as it should be.

There have been people I gave my love to, those that made promises but their needs, wants and lives changed. Those I trusted with every being of my soul, but they left me, in one way or the other. I have fears that it will happen again. Not just with my real family, but with my second family, here.

You are among the ones I believe in, the ones that take me as I am. Why would I ever turn from you? Not what friends do, they believe and hang on to those friendship so tightly.

I am here, never doubt that.

Jeanie


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