my story (trigger)

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Thu Jan 27, 2011 1:47 pm

I made a decision today. Not sure how smart it is, but it's mine to make and i'm making it.

For most of my life, others have made my choices for me. Be it my father, my husband, my doctors......... Others have told me what to eat, when to eat, how to feel, how to think, how to act. I have spent my life doing what others need me to do. Being who others need me to be.

Today, I am going to be who I need to be. I do need something to hold onto. I need something that has meaning in my life. I keep trying all these things and giving up because it's not what everyone else approves of. Well, I'm tired. I'm tired of life having to be so damn hard. I'm tired of feeling broken.

So, no more doctors. No more pills. No more trials. No more tests. No more being taken advantage of. No more giving up what I want to make others happy. I want some peace in my life. I want a reason to wake up every day. My reason, not someone's elses. In order to have this, I have to take control. And that's what I'm doing. No more safe zone. Because you know what, the safe zone sucks. It's boreing and it's lonely and it hurts. This chance to study, to be a better person, it's what I want. Not because someone else says I need to want it, but because I truely want it for myself. And I'm doing it.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Thu Jan 27, 2011 5:39 pm

Obayan,

There comes a time that we must put ourselves first. I think you are, and proud of you for doing that.

Think perhaps my time for that is in the near future.

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”
--- Dr. Rollo May
Sunshine, smiles and love.

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Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Sun Feb 06, 2011 6:08 am

Okay, I give my daughter everything. Money, clothes, furniture, etc.... I quit work so I can stay home and take care of the babies so she doesn't have to pay for daycare. She's been living in my home with me supporting her for the last 3 months while she remodels her home and it's not even liveable yet much less finished. All this I do for her and more. Not to mention what I do for the grandkids. So her hubby comes in my house and doesn't like the hand crocheted afghan i have on the recliner and throws it in the floor. He wants to use the washer so he takes our clothes out and throws them on the couch (mostly, some land on the floor). Now he sits in my living room and calls me (blank)ing stupid. I blow up. Ok, that was a couple days ago. I'm calmer now and have explained in no uncertain terms "this is my house, don't like it, don't come here". No more bank of mama. No more free daycare.

Now my neice is staying here with me too. With her son. She's getting a divorce. And today, she did the one thing, the only thing i've ever asked from my daughter. She said thank you. And she did it with style. She treated me to a manicure and pedicure. My very first ever. Was a wonderful way to be pampered for a day.

Then I come home and trip and fall. I landed very very hard on some wood. Both knees, right ankle, both hands, and neck messed up now. I don't think there is a place left on my body that can possibly get hurt now. On pain meds and so drowsy i can't keep my eyes open.

Well, that's the update of the life of me. Sucks hugh.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sun Feb 06, 2011 7:20 am

((((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))))))

First I am sorry you fell, know that myself, and not a fun thing to deal with.

Hopefully, you will 'get your home back' soon. Don't know what to say, other than I do care. Lots of things I could say, but won't. You are living the situation and only you can change it back to the life you were living.

Suggest you stay very firm and remind your son-in-law constantly that is his responsibility to provide a home for his family. Accepting you kind and generous help is one thing, taking advantage of you another.

Love to you Lady

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Mon Feb 07, 2011 8:04 pm

(((((((Obay))))))) So glad and proud of you that you stood up to him and for yourself! Sorry you fell and are hurting. Have missed you in the chatroom and hoping we can catch up sometime. Will pm you my phone number if you want to call. Love you sis.
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Sun Feb 13, 2011 5:39 am

((( warmie )))

((( shatt )))

love you both so much.

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Sat Feb 19, 2011 5:52 pm

Thanks to my heart I'm back in debt again now. Hospitals hounding me. Ambulance company hounding me. Doctors hounding me. My bills have increased by 5x their normal amount. My car is broken. Can't drive. Can't get a burger in the middle of the night if I want to. Can't get to temple. Can't leave the house. Screaming kids in every room. Screaming mothers yelling at screaming kids. Can't get any quiet. No peace. No privacy. My house slowly being torn apart. Nobody cares I have to fix it. Nobody gives a damn. Too much. I am going numb. I don't care anymore. About anything. I fall asleep each night praying that this is my last day. The last in a long line of pain. I dream of ending it all. My subconscious is actually making plans for me in my sleep. In my dreams. I'm so tired. All my "friend" knows to do is yell at me. Makes comments that make me feel small and dumb. My family uses me for what they can get. No matter how much of a hardship it puts on me. I'm so tired. I wish I could give up. Told my daughter I wanted to cut my wrist. She said "well, you ain't done it yet". Maybe it's time. I have a lot of reasons to keep going. But none that outweight the emptiness and pain I feel every day. I wish I could just dissapear for a while. Find whatever it is I lost inside again.

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Mon Feb 21, 2011 1:57 pm

((((((((((Obayan)))))))))))) feel so bad for you hon. You know as long as you pay them something every month, even just $5 or 10, there isn't much they can do and may leave you alone for a bit. I found some free legal advice through a women's center, legal aid, law students (who need the practice as long as they are working under liscensed attorney might be able to help) about debt and bankruptcy issues...there is something that sometimes applies called the homestead act that may protect your house. Do what you can to protect yourself...I know its hard, so hard.

Is there a community college or trade school with an auto mechanics program that could help with the car? May have to be on a waiting list but may get free or cheap help fixing the car. My car died recently and I thought it was the end of the world...just to lose what little freedom I have to get out of the house as you said for something to eat or whatever. How is the public transportation where you are? It sounds like you urgently need to get out or to stay in for some alone time. Can you tell the houseguests they are going to have to give you one afternoon a week, even just a few hours, to regroup? To take a hot bath, listen to music, watch a movie or just cry without worries of someone judging and watching over you and worrying.

As for someone yelling at you when you are like this, I know my ex yelled at me one time when I was suicidal...he later said he was yelling about the situation and know he was frustrated and scared but also know how distressing it was for me at the time. Can you explain to your friend how much that hurts and if they can't be supportive maybe take some space from each other til you are doing a bit better?

I know what it is to want to give up with all your being. I was there just two days ago. But today I can breathe a bit better, my load is a bit lighter, and I know things will ease up again for you at some point in the future. I know what it is to feel the universe is 'conspiring' against you even if you logically know its not the case, where everything goes wrong and when you take one step forward you face a set back like the rug pulled out from under you....but you will gain your footing again. You will hon. I have confidence in you!

You are doing so well to pursue your studies. Can the temple help you online? Can a fellow student give you a ride?

I don't know what to say, except I care a great deal about you. I have admired your strength so many times. I think you are special and gifted. You are worth saving. This world needs more people like you, not less. So please keep hanging in there hon.

Wishing you love and light in your day.
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

TackingIntoTheWind
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Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Wed Feb 23, 2011 12:50 pm

Like (((( shatteredhopes )))) I'm sorry that you're going through such a bleak, scary time (((( Obayan )))).
I do want to say how much I agree with what (((( shatteredhopes )))) said in the last post. " I don't don't know what to say, except I care a great deal about you. I have admired your strength so many times. I think you are special and gifted. You are worth saving. This world needs more people like you, not less. " Couldn't have said it better myself! Please, do hang in there (((( Obayan ))))! Look after yourself, don't make me do the nagging... :roll: ( And, I'm a minor bureaucrat, we know how to nag! :roll: :roll: Seriously, do please take care.
Captain Adelaide Brooke, holding a weapon on The Doctor: " State your name, rank and intention. "
The Doctor: " The Doctor, doctor, fun. "
Doctor Who: The Waters Of Mars

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Thu May 05, 2011 4:32 pm

Sorry I been out for so long, but it's been difficult here. I been sick. And getting sicker. I got the results today from the MRI that was done. My brain cells are dying from lack of oxygen because of poor blood flow. They think this is caused by MS. Not reversable. Not cureable. But they can slow down the deterioration of my brain. Will start new therapies and medications with a neurologist in a couple of weeks. This is apparantly why I been getting dizzy, passing out and falling a lot lately. Also why my hands and feet go numb and tingle a lot. And the headaches all the time too. I feel like my body is raceing to see which gives out first, my briain, my heart or my mind. All I can think of right now is "let me offa this ride!" For 7 months now I been gripeing and complaining about my family and how they have been takeing advantage of me and my generosity and each and every one of them are stepping up right now to help me. Trying to take care of me. I been doing a lot of reading about MS. Lots of neat stuff to look forward to like loseing the ability to walk, talk, write, do everyday things on my own.... Slowly losing my mind. Literally. I think I might still be in shock because this isn't upsetting me yet. I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm just kinda numb. Just one more thing to throw on the pile that is my life.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Thu May 05, 2011 9:25 pm

(((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))

You know how to get in touch, please feel free to do that.

Jeanie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/

bawb2
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Joined: Fri May 06, 2011 10:47 am
Location: North Carolina

My Story

Postby bawb2 » Fri May 06, 2011 11:14 am

Hello anyone and everyone. This is my first day on this site.

To make my story short i'd like to let you know that i'm forty years old. I was raised by my mother mostly, my father was an alcoholic and passed away the summer I turned seven. My mother didn't really date until I was 16, i'm the youngest of 4 kids. When she did start seeing someone she moved in with him and told me to find a place to go. I have forgiven her over the years and we are ok.

I married at 18 and found her cheating at 19, divorced at 20 with no children. I then met my 2nd wife and really went oposite by marring someone that I really wasn't in love with. We have had two children which are now 14 and 18 years old. We divorced after 8 years of marriage and I can say that it was mostly my fault. Always felt that I was not loved either and made the normal male indescresions.

Five years later I meet how was to become my third wife, she had a history of depression and had attempted suicide and was in some kind of treatment center previously. She disclosed this to me early as I did my past mistakes. We were truely in love. I had moved into the area that I met her on a job promotion and was making real good money. A couple of years after we had met we got married and bought a house. Six months later I was laid off from work due to the economy and the struggles began, you know, money was tight and she had two children from a previous marriage that were 7 and 5 that made money more of a problem. She started getting distant. I was watching football on a saturday night and my brother had came over to watch as well. We did not have the children that weekend and me and my wife were earning an online degree. She said the tv was to loud so she was taking her laptop to one of the childrens rooms to study. I went to bed after the game thinking she had feel asleep. When I got up the next morning she had drank vodka and hung herself with a sheet tied to a closet door knob on the inside and thrown over.

I cant get past this, i feel bad everyday. All I see is every flaw that I have and every mistake that I have ever done. I beat myself up for everything, nothing makes me happy and if someone or something does, i find something wrong with it. I cant go on like this and need someone to talk to.

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Fri May 06, 2011 3:09 pm

((((((((((Obayan))))))))))))

I am so glad your family is stepping up at this point and surrounding you with love. You are loved here too, don't forget that, and we are here for you in anyway we can be.

My thoughts and prayers and with you my sister. Sending much much love your way.
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Fri May 06, 2011 3:13 pm

((( shattered )))))
((( warmsoul ))))))

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Wed Jun 08, 2011 4:49 pm

I'm sorry I haven't been around as much as I used to. I have been going thru a lot lately. Lately. Ha. This past year has been hell. The lately part is my health. Remember when I fell really bad a while back, well they did an MRI because I keep getting dizzy and passnig out. They found white spots on my brain. They say it's either MS or scar tissue from a stroke. I honstly think it's a stroke. It's a natural progression of my heart disease and it fits with the fall I took where I passed out and went down hard. I'm now taking a whole bunch of meds. Effient makes me bleed. I have bruises all over my body that are big, black and gross. I spent the last few days bleeding from my tongue. Yep. You heard right. My tongue swells and then blood comes out thru the pores. It's frightening. It's painfull. And it's just gross to wake up with a mouth full of big black blood clots. The Niaspan makes my skin burn. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking I'm on fire. After the "episode" of burning skin, I'm left feelling like I have the worst sun burn of my life everyone on my body. I can't even get a hug anymore because it's too painfull to be touched. That's just the top two meds. There are a lot more meds but they are just the normal stuff. Throwing up all the time, tired all the time, weak, etc... oh, and the headaches. Ugh.

Now for some good news. My neice found a house and has moved out with her son. Not good that they are gone because I miss them. But good that they are gone because i'm getting my house back again. My dad is coming back to the states for another visit and will be staying here with me for a week. When he leaves to go back to Saipan, my daughter is moving out too. Right now, the only reason she's still here is to help me with the finances (yes, she's contributing now) and to help take care of me as I'm having a really bad time of things right now. So once my dad returns home, I will have my house back to myself again. And I'm hopeing by then some things will settle down. My dad will be here in two weeks and he's staying for one week.

And now the huge news..... I made some new friends. Yes, it can happen to an old fat widdow woman. lol. Actually, we had a tornado come thru. Missed my house but I ended up in an underground hidey hole and met a few of my neighbors. One is a woman named Linda and her husband Steve. I go over there almost every day and we talk and sit and play cards and eat dinner. Linda knows my sleep schedule which is pretty erratic right now, and usually comes over just as i'm wakeing up to get me. :) They even took me out to dinner and a casino. lol. I'm not big with gambling, but it was fun to take $5 and play the slot machines for a while. I don't think I want to try it again though. I don't like losing money, even just five dollars.

So, that's the update. Sorry I haven't been able to keep up on this like I'd like to.


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