Feels like a cold, rainy day, EVERYDAY

[ang77]

My subject line sums up how I feel. I am 32, and have felt this way since I can remember, even back in elementary school.

I have had no real trauma in my life, no major horror stories. I do not ever feel suicidal, nor do I feel like I am worthless. I just feel blah all of the time. I've tried many medications, and none were effective enough to be worth the side effects. I've even tried diet pills, to boost my energy......they did give me more energy, but I still never got the mental motivation I needed to make that energy very productive.

I struggle to make/keep friends, because I'm not the funnest person to hang out with. I mean, I go out, have a decent time, but it's very appearent in my body language/general mood that I'm down. I've been told more than once, that I just seem exhausted.

I'm not sad, heck I try to cry, sometimes I think if I could just have a good cry, I'd feel better, the tears just won't come. I guess if I had to describe my feelings for most of any day, it'd be mainly just numb, with a bit, sometimes a hefty bit, of irritibility.

I have two kids, age 10 and 14....both have same dad, was married to him, no horrible trauma with him either, just didn't work out. They are my reasons for getting out of bed, keeping a job, functioning in everyday life, and not becomming addicted to drugs or alcohol like my brother has been since he was very young. I have drank enough, and tried enough drugs to know I really, really like it, and could sink super quick if I let myself go down that road.

I have a Bachelor's Degree in Social Work, studied all that mental illness stuff, and the effect your environment can have on you. I even started grad school, and am only a year shy of being able to be a therapist, so I should know better and know how to fix me and be successful at it.

I absolutely know and love the person I am under all of this, I know this person is an awesome person. I get up everyday, and say, today will be different, I will pick myself up, and just say screw it, I know better, I'm going to do better. Everyday, I fail miserably.

[aim]

Hey ang... what a situation! Your children sound like your salvation, and that's wonderful.

Why don't you think you're fun? I'm sure you're more fun than you think... how is your self-esteem?

And being a social worker? So am I. And I have GAD and health anxiety. Two of the most irrational things you can have.

Also... it's kind of like the doctor or nurse smoking, isn't it? Or the psychiatrist seeing a psychiatrist... sometimes we need a third party to help us see what is in front of us.

Stop beating yourself up! You're only human...

[ang77]

for the words of encouragement. My self esteem, is great way down deep in my brain. Like, underneath all the blah, I know I'm good, fun person. I know I don't look like a movie star, don't really want to, but I'm not a troll either. I'm shy, mostly due to the above mentioned self esteem issues, and can't seem to be more outgoing, even if I try and fake it, which is why I think I'm not very fun most of the time.

I feel like I am in this never ending circle of issues....I'm shy, so I don't go out much, I get more blah by the lack of socializing, so I get more shy and blah. Yea, I'm a huge pessimest too.

I know I make it sound horrible. I do have friends, good coworkers, and I do socialize fairly often for being a single working mom. I am financially stable, nice place, healthy kids, healthy me, a decent car, caring family. Really, honestly, shouldnt complain.

Yea, being a social worker myself is much like a doctor who smokes kinda thing. I think the good thing is my issues help me better relate to the struggles some of the families I work with. Also, not to be mean, but dang some of these families issues make my life seem super awesome. Matter of perspective, huh?

[shatteredhopes]

I agree with Amy, you can't treat yourself and there is no shame as you know in seeking help. Sometimes knowing and understanding but being unable to fix the problem can make it even more frustrating...sounds silly, but sometimes being highly intelligent can actually be a hindrance...and sounds like your knowledge of mental health issues is making you feel a bit guilty or like you are somehow inadequate because you know so much information but can't fix yourself...but you know what? The best therapists I've had have been those who have suffered a mental disorder themselves...otherwise they remind of the character Spock in Star Trek, where he was super intelligent and could intellectualize emotions but not feel them, hence never really completely understand them...So unfortunate as it is for you to suffer this depression while having so much knowledge about mental illness, in the long run, I bet it will make you an AWESOME social worker.

Please please forgive me if I am crossing the line, but I want to say something from my personal experience...I have not been helped much at all by the mental health profession per se, but found much more healing through my 12 step program, and my classes in things like forgiveness and spiritual recovery from something in my life through my former faith...sometimes if medicine doesn't really help after trying tons of them, then maybe its not a chemical imbalance, and if there's no major trauma or tragedies to work through in therapy, I think we sometimes suffer more of a, pardon the words, "soul sickness" that ties in to western society's cultural flaws, or a sort of existential angst, or sense of alienation from "God"/meaninglessness in the scheme of the universe or something that the mental health profession isn't fully equipped to deal with...sometimes prayer or meditation, a spiritual fulfillment and progress even if that's understood as human spirit as opposed to any religious sense, and doing things for our fellow man and feeling fully that our life truly matters and we are making a difference in this horrible world help a lot...that's sort of the path I'm on...I know for me I have suffered depression most of my life, and when i reflect on two years of true happiness, contentment, and peace I once knew...it had absolutely nothing to do with the mental health profession that made me feel that way. The mental health profession helps many, many people, but sometimes we do have to think outside the box, and if you can, in the long run it maybe will make you a better healer along with finding some healing for yourself...

Anyway...wishing you light and peace in your day...

[aim]

Boy do I love your responses shatterhopes! When you said,

being highly intelligent can actually be a hindrance.

I totally agree!! You know... only bright people could possibly be depressed - I've always thought that. The unintelligent don't understand enough to think their way into depression.

Also... I've been reading books by the preacher Joel Osteen. I am not religious at all, but his television program and books have made so much sense to me, that I just wanted to share his name with you wonderful people. I've never ever in my life listened to a preacher, but he is just so... inspiring. If you believe in God, he can and will make sense to you. You don't have to be religious to appreciate this man.

[ang77]

Thank you for the response shatteredhopes. I have never quite looked at it like that. In the past year, I have been really thinking more about God/religion/spirituality. I don't really know where to start to connect with that spiritual part of myself, if that makes sense. I pray and talk to God, and keep wondering if He hears me. I don't doubt His exsistance, just not quite sure how to connect, like I keep dialing the wrong number, ya know?

I don't so much feel like a worthless person within my family/close friends. I do feel like, "what impact do I have on the universe/the bigger picture" Cause I really feel pretty replaceable in many aspects of life.

Also thank you Amy for the info, I'll look into that too.