My Quest for a Meaningful Life (possibly triggering)

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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shatteredhopes
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My Quest for a Meaningful Life (possibly triggering)

Postby shatteredhopes » Thu Jan 14, 2010 5:06 pm

I am fighting the SI so much...when I look back on the time in my life where I had about two years of happiness and analyze it 1) I had worked and re-worked a 12 step program that had improved my self esteem, helped me achieve much forgiveness, and gave life a different sense of purpose...to serve my fellow man...a new outlook and much changed attitude; 2) I had a job I loved working for a charitable organization where I was able to make a real difference in people's lives and regularly see results of my work/positive reinforcement; 3) I had many friends including a number of close ones and then got along with everyone in my family, an active life including socializing, and pets that showed me unconditional love and whom I found reward in caring for; and 4) I had a reasonably good income, sufficient to get what I wanted at the grocery store or go to a movie, fix anything vital that was broken in the house, and get things I needed and many things I just wanted.

Following my ex-husbands arrest, financial ruin, return of physical pain due to inability to afford medication, and leaving the job I loved, I developed some new goals and had deep faith that carried me through the dark times and suffered much depression but no SI. My pets then also provided great comfort and support and were my "family." I still had friends, including many close ones.

That one hospitalization changed everything, including the loss of my beloved pets, and sent me on a downward spiral that sent me over the deep end for more than a year. The mental health profession has hurt me far more than helped me, but maybe I was just looking in the wrong place.

It occurred to me that before I got involved with my ex, I was on an upswing, volunteering a good bit, reinvolved in my 12 step program, and feeling a sense of purpose again in life. The year I was involved with my ex, I gradually declined, many trials and tribulations, much much hurt in the relationship, the failure of my personal goals, doing less and less volunteer work due to depression and frustration, many disappointments and big hurts like my father's passing. I hung on because I believed that a mate I truly loved might be something that would give my life a new meaning again, and trying to nurture him in his depression gave me a sense of purpose.

Then I was dumped.

So now I am back to square one. Psychiatrist Viktor Frankyl wrote about man's search for meaning from the perspective of surviving the Holocaust and observations in the concentration camp...what enabled some to endure gruelling forced labor, almost starvation and illnesses conditions, abuse and torture, amid a place where people were being sent daily to the gas chambers and others committed suicide. They seemed to have something to hang onto that enabled them endure their dark, some sense of meaning to life.

I am now reading Born to Be Good, the science of a meaningful life, which argues in the face of evolution, science, statistics, a happy meaningful life ultimately comes from being kind...doing things for our fellow humans among other things...

I don't know what I can do to make a difference in this horrible world anymore. But I am gunna start with random acts of kindness and volunteering a bit more again as able to. I've never believed much in resolutions for the new year, but I am desperate to turn my life around. This year, I have to find some way to get back to earning some money, as I cannot go on like this. I hope to go to group therapy twice a month and back to my 12 step program to start just being with people who are more like me, as well as socializing and giving and receiving support anonymously on this website. I have difficult trust issues, but I can't afford to be totally reclusive anymore, even if I keep people at arms length, I have to have more people in my life. I am going back to writing and doing artwork and reading and learning to enrich my life hopefully. I will get back to exercising, somehow someway...I am going to buy some herbs to grow for cooking and baking to have something living to share my home with. I will have to do what I can, because I think I will not survive otherwise. My life has gone too far down, I've lost too much and suffered too much trauma and live in too much pain, and the last 5 years have been the most difficult of my life, particularly the one year I was in and out of the hospital, half out of my mind. I can't go back there...I just can't endure that again. Hopefully along the way, if I do these things, I will find a path to some sense of peace again, if not true happiness, and enough meaning in life to feel my life matters, and thereby something with which to fight the SI.

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Thu Jan 14, 2010 5:28 pm

Shopes, you are off to a good start. :D I will root for you! : )

Just make sure you have a good plan! (& even counter measures for things)....

A happy meaningful life may come from being kind to others & so on, but I do believe a happy meaningful life starts with you & being "happy" from within yourself. My dad always said & I'm sure someone else said it too: "Charity starts at home."

You start with yourself because if you give yourself to others & have not gotten yourself together to a point, (as far as I have seen in my short life), it does not work out well.

People may come in time. I found that with going for a walk, there are lots of people I see--from bikers, other walkers, runners, just the people driving by on the road. I don't know them per se; I never had the courage to chat with them, mainly because we're all busy trying to exercise/stay in shape/lose weight & that in itself takes a lot of focus. But for that moment, we're all striving toward a similar goal & that's what makes it feel good for me (besides walking & not feeling too winded).

Also, there are some hilarious drivers on the road & they will toot you (honk their horn). ~lol~ Amazingly, one of the funniest things that makes me happy is waving back to them. :lol: & seeing who doubled back to get a second look....

You are on the right track. Stick with it & don't be too hard on yourself! Do what you can & what you don't do, you do another time. Keep striving & don't give up... If you must take a break, you take a break, but at some point, try to get back up & continue!

Mich
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Postby Mich » Thu Jan 14, 2010 6:31 pm

Shatteredhopes - it's good to see a post from you. I've missed you. I am so proud of you for your plan and your determination to make your life better. I should take a page out of your book. I think all the things you plan to do are wonderful and will go a long way in making you feel like you have a life worth living. You are such a beautiful soul and I know you can give much to this world. You give so much here and I am honored to know you and call you friend. Keep on fighting that SI with everything you have; it's a counterproductive act that goes against all the productive things you have planned. And I don't want to see you hurting yourself. Take good care and write again when you can.

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xn728
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YOU ARE WHAT YOU WISH TO BE

Postby xn728 » Sat Jan 16, 2010 1:50 pm

Shatteredhopes ,,,,you all ready have made a differance with your acts of kindness ,,,you dont know how good i felt when you called me BROTHER
the kind things you have said when i have felt down ,,your a wonderful human being AND YOU ALREADY ARE WHAT YOU WISH TO BE,freind and sister ,,i dont feel i need to say any more ,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,THANKYOU ,,SISTER ,hugs ken xxxx

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Tue Jan 19, 2010 3:59 pm

The pit of darkness is overwhelming. I hate waking up. Either I have nightmares from the PTSD and wake up upset and my whole day is messed up, or good or neutral dreams, then wake up to a stark reality I hate. I woke up this morning and just immediately burst into tears. Sleep is my only escape. I wish I could just sleep all the time so I would not have to feel the pain, its so consuming...there's no hope for me. Even if I do all the things I listed the best that can happen is I can cope with the loss and pain and trauma a little better. I cannot trust people again, yet cannot live as a total recluse either...my existence is so empty so lonely...I leave the television on sometimes just to hear another human voice. I really have nothing left to hope for and live for, just hanging on because I don't want to hurt my elderly disabled mother who is in poor health and suffered much through my father's illness. I no longer believe God intervenes much if at all in human affairs...those things I used to believe...for what you have lost you will be paid back twofold; ask and ye shall receive; you will not receive more than you can bear; all things work together for the good for those who love the lord...I now know from empirical evidence to be fiction, absolutely untrue...I don't mean to offend anyone just the loss of faith was a crushing blow for me, amid so many other losses, and trauma. I hate living, I hate my life, I don't hate myself I love myself enough to know I have done my share of bad things but in no way deserve my fate and to want to mercifully end my suffering. The mental health profession has hurt me so much more than ever helped me, I know that is not the case with everyone but it certainly has been with me...so no faith, and fear of mental health profession leave me no where to turn...so I spill my guts here, with the chance it might help me hang on another moment or hour.

Mich
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Postby Mich » Tue Jan 19, 2010 5:09 pm

*hugs* You have been through terrible times and I can feel your pain. I wish I could take all that hurt away from you. In the face of this desperation you need to hang on. I staunchly believe that you can rebuild your life and if you start with those small things, bigger and better things will blossom from there. I know how hard it is to find your way in the darkness for I live there too. I want you to know that you are cared for and cherished as a friend....it does not matter that we haven't met. You have made such an impact in my life and I am blessed to count you as a friend. I plead with you to hang on; grit your teeth, come here often and hang on. I am here with you are as many others. We can see you through this. Please come back on soon.

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Tue Jan 19, 2010 5:21 pm

I agree with Mich.... You can rebuild your life!

Edit: You know... I thought about your post & I really felt the need to come back & write more.

1st: You do not have to lose your faith! Why not modify what you believe or keep what is useful to you & dump what isn't? Will it not still be helpful to you? Also, did it not also say in there somewhere that God helps those who help themselves?

If you don't do something different than you're currently doing, put in a consistent enough effort &/or keep progressing with it, I'm not sure if you can possibly expect a different result or a positive change....

& mind you, I am not a religious buff.... Also, it is possible that all systems of thought are guiding means & they are not absolute truth. http://depression-understood.org/forum/ ... php?t=6130 (found there)

Please do not give up entirely. Take a break if you must, but do not just throw in the towel. A different situation is yours for the taking, but you must work toward it & take it!

Mich
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Postby Mich » Wed Jan 20, 2010 11:19 am

Shatteredhopes - It is Wednesday and I am wondering how you are today. I am going to check the "chat area" to see if you are there. I am worried about you and want to encourage you to hang on. Keep doing those things, no matter how small, to help yourself. Do something that has made you feel better in the past. Keep posting; we are here and listening.

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Mon Jan 25, 2010 7:42 pm

Very severe depression and grief and sorrow earlier today, the pain was crushing in my chest and I cried and cried. I have to find a reason to live other than not hurting my mother...frankly, she is elderly, in poor health, and will not be around forever. I only see her once a week or so, she is very sweet and does nice things for me such as buying me dinner or a few groceries when I help her with her shopping. But she really doesn't know everything I've been through nor understand severe depression...and she worries about me...so I try to put on a "mask" of being okay when with her or talking to her.

I need something to give me a life again, a life worth living and enduring the pain for.

I wanted a family, now I accept that is not going to happen. I wanted a mate, now I don't ever want to risk the pain of being hurt like that again. Sadly, I waited 9 years after my divorce before I took a risk on one I thought was my soulmate, only to learn he didn't love me or stopped loving me after enduring much hurt throughout the relationship then ultimately being dumped harshly and coldly. As far as making new friends, I can't trust people and need people yet don't want to let anyone in, I've been hurt so badly by so many in recent years, and can't risk anymore loss...I had taken a chance on someone who I started spending a lot of time with and was really becoming a good friend, only then he wanted a romance and I couldn't handle it, he stopped returning my calls and I haven't heard from him in months. I just can't face any more loss, I already am grieving so much more than I can bear. I don't know what sort of work I can do now given mental and physical limitations, plus able-bodied and younger folks are having a near impossible time finding jobs in this economy, I wonder what employer would take a risk on me...I can't work a regular schedule and can't predict when I can or can't work...I am at that in-between stage too young for retirement but old enough to where employers shy away...yet I cannot afford to go on as I am...I am struggling soooo much financially. My taxes are overdue, I am just making payments as best I can and hope they don't take action...

I am trying "thought stopping" on some of the negative and painful things, but I really have to find a way to work through this, and I don't know how. I struggle just to cope moment to moment through each day and sometimes the SI is intense and sometimes something small distracts and comforts me...but so too the smallest things can send me into a tailspin.

I have thought and thought about what it may be about me or what I may have done to attract all this pain and hurt in my life, but honestly, when I look at one common theme, it is my mental illness or other things not within my full ability to control...

I am thinking of e-mailing my former friend and asking in the interest of self-improvement if there was any reason why he stopped being my friend. He may not answer, and I may not be prepared to hear what he has to say...but I really am desperate to turn things around and want to do whatever I can to do that and find and work on any defects within me that may have drawn sooooo much tragedy into my life over the last 5 years.

:(

aim
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Postby aim » Mon Jan 25, 2010 9:25 pm

((((shatteredhopes))))

What an amazingly deep and profound post! I am so sorry you are in that type of pain...

A few years ago, I was sort of in your position. I had supported someone thinking it would all be worth it. Held on until my fingernails were bleeding. Then, he left me.

Looking back, I'm not so sure why I did hang on. Was it loyalty? I actually think it was my desire not to fail. I don't even think I loved him... not the way I was supposed to, anyway.

He left. I lost weight. I started to go out and socialize. I had, and still have a job with a good salary that I hope does help people in the long run.

Hopes... sometimes people give us the gift of good-bye, and it sounds like your ex did just that. He was undeserving of you, and fate stepped in and got him the hell out of your life. Trust me when I tell you that once you get your own self together, the right man comes along and finds you... that is what happened to me.

I knew this man was right because of all the wrong I experienced with my ex. I now KNOW what true love is because of him. We are getting married, and I could not be happier with another human being.

I write all of this to give you hope. I think you are on the right track in making YOURSELF feel better. I'm sure while you were with your ex you simply gave all of yourself to him and left nothing inside for YOU. Time to make time for yourself. Time for you to fall in love with yourself. Time for you to realize what an awesome person you are, and that you are deserving of a love that is not selfish or painful but beautiful, passionate and peaceful... you deserve to find that peace, friendship and passion. Please take my word that it will come. It did for me. And it was well worth the wait.

I am truly sorry for your pain and your father's passing. I hope you continue to look out for yourself. You're going to be fine...

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Tue Jan 26, 2010 6:09 pm

((((((((((((crystalgaze, mich, ken, amy)))))))))))) thanks so much for caring and responding!!!!!!

Today is a little better...I have started imagining those little finches they sell...aside from initial investment, they would be low cost upkeep...don't know if I will ever get them, but every time I get a sad thought or thought of my ex, I force myself to think "little birdies" and petting them on their little heads with my finger and one of them perched on my finger....sounds silly but it is giving me a little hope and light to just think of having something living to share my home with and care for...

I decided I need to start writing again on a more set schedule, but failed today because of too much anxiety...one step at a time I suppose...maybe I'll get there soon...

I guess I don't have patience, I want to do everything now and have everything get better, but that's not how it works...one step at a time or otherwise I'll get overwhelmed and fail and give up everything again...

Thanks again for your encouragement, really helps a lot more that I can verbalize...

aim
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Postby aim » Tue Jan 26, 2010 9:10 pm

Shatteredhopes - well done on looking ahead! A little life to take care of makes things so much easier. During the though times in my life, my dog made me get up and take care of her. They are LIFESAVERS. I hope you do get one. Do what you think is going to make YOU happy.

I know what you mean about patience. I have all the patience of a 5-year-old on Christmas morning. But... it's strange how life forces patience upon us. And look at it this way - lack of patience keeps you moving towards your goal. Once you are in a better place, you will look back and see all of the patience you actually did have.

Mich
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Postby Mich » Wed Jan 27, 2010 12:57 pm

((((Shatteredhopes)))) I hope you are able to get some little birdies. I think they would bring you much joy.
It is good to hear you say that you want to start writing again. You have much to give through your writing and I hope it is therapeutic for you as well.
Please know that you are thought of often.

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Wed Jan 27, 2010 5:43 pm

UGGGGGGG one step forward, two steps back...so I got an idea for another op-ed, but too anxious to write it...it seems I get excited then get anxious, the paralyzing kind...hopefully will calm down and be able to do the research and write it soon...

Meanwhile, we are expecting a snowstorm so I went to get my meds filled before being snowed in...new insurance turns out doesn't pay one of my prescriptions, so had to pay full price...there goes the monthly money I was going to use for group therapy twice a month and saving toward a bird cage...bummer...

Well, I guess I will try yet again to get a fee reduction for some sort of therapy, like I was once promised then the bean counters denied...and maybe I can watch for a second hand bird cage in the local little shopper's guide we have that people sell stuff in...a pair of little birds won't be that expensive but the cage/toy set up will be....so hopefully can find something second hand...at least having to postpone gives me more time to clean the house and plan on getting the birds as my reward...

Just so frustrating and disappointing when the little things don't work out...the littlest things can send me over the edge or perk me up...seems more often than not they are bad things though...I'm weary. I'm just plain weary.

Then I got a letter from my former best friend hoping we could rekindle our friendship but failing to acknowledge or apologize for what he did behind my back; I may or may not call him.

UGGGGG...trying not to get down again, trying to stay as positive as possible...my mom, if she feels up to it, is going to make me her special hot chocolate mix and if she finishes it I will pick it up tomorrow to enjoy while being snowed in...something small to look forward to...

Thanks ((((((((((((amy, mich)))))))))))) for your support.

aim
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Postby aim » Wed Jan 27, 2010 9:12 pm

Hey (((shatteredhopes))) I know what you mean about one step forward two steps back! Seems that when one things works, another just goes completely wrong, huh? I hear ya.

But if you put yourself in the mind-set that everything happens for a reason, even if you can't see it right away, your mind will begin to ease a bit. I've learned to do that. It's not always easy, but I try really really hard to remember that little tid-bit. Maybe the bird that is totally right for you won't be ready for you until you have the money for he or she? Think about it... would you want to spend so many years with the wrong bird??? ;-)

As far as your best friend... hm. Tough one. I had a best friend who I no longer speak to. I wonder what I would do if she wished to rekindle things? I suppose I would meet with her once and see how that went, and if she did not at least acknowledge the trangression she made which was responsible for our friendship ending - in her case becoming obsessed with the man who is now her husband and absolutely forgetting we were ever friends because he thought I had too much say in her life, complete bull by the way - I probably would say, "Nice lunch. Nice to see you. Have a great life." Why not give your friend one lunch and see what happens?

Enjoy your hot chocolate and snow... hang in there. Your attitude is going to get you through this rough patch... promise.


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