Me Myself and my past

[Fourdave]

OK, here goes,
for the most part I had a pretty normal childhood, well except for maybe my father who thought punishment was not only required, but something he was very good at (if you know what I mean), thats anther story. as a child I had Friends, maybe not alot, but i was the center of the group, everybody wanted to play with me, i thought i was happy ( still not sure now) but I always felt inferior, or less somehow, I always thought everyone seemed to have it better than me, they were smarter, happier home life's, good parents. as i got older my group got smaller, I started acting out ( always tried to stay under dads radar though ) I did not do drugs or smoke or drink, but would do things like, put a nail in the road and wait to see if anybody got a flat, once tried to set the neighbors house on fire, did not work thankfully, would go out and see how much of a cornfield i could destroy by jumping into the cornstalks........

at age 14 i got my first girlfriend, blind date setup by my brother, it was "love" at first sight, she was 16, we dated and my group shrank to just her, got married to her the day after my 18th birthday, I went into the air force and was back out in 1 month, she was my whole world, and nothing else made sense, but i knew something was missing, as she matured and changed, i grew angry and distant, tried counseling, told me i was bipolar, depressed, add, you name it, i did not believe them and made me even worse, so after 16 years of marriage, she left me..... my world crashed, I did things to try and get her back that i am to embarrassed to talk about.

I met someone on line and as soon as my divorce was final we got married, and she has been nicer to me than anybody has in a long time, I do love her, Don't know why I can't tell her, makes her mad, and sad and I'm sorry, but i am just not happy, with life, with me, everything. I always for as long as i can remember thought there is something evil about me and I spend every moment keeping it hidden, and because of it I feel i will never really know what its like to be happy.

I am currently see a therapist, she is nice if not a little slow ( might be an act to get me to explain everything ) I now take zoloft, clonipin, and a new one i can't remember.....

not bragging but i tend to excel at most jobs i do, but am so afraid of success that i don't stay anywhere to long when they promote me.

I have tried to start my own computer repair business a couple of times, but always stop just short of having an actual business

lots of stuff I left out, but thats me
a sad, depressed "evil" little man

Dave

[xn728]

hi i did all these things but worse ,my fire did work and it destroyed many lives,im 51 now and im still paying its hard as you know but what can i say .i call myself evil to ,but i am all powerful for my destruction succeed,ed,and i became an outcast ,hunted like a dog ,now my emotions are gone ,taken by the demons that live in my mind ,so beware and carful you made mistakes but not bad ones ,be strong and look around here ,there are many good things to read ,no easy fix ,you must reach deep inside yourself and find the strength to live your life as best you can
you are amoung freinds now ,im a little crazy now but it will pass, reach out and we will catch your fall ,,,,xn728 Ken

[Fourdave]

Thanks XN
good to know someone is out there. had this long post how I was feeling right now but I somehow lost it. so I'll just say its really bad right now.

Dave

[crystalgaze]

How are you feeling today?

[Fourdave]

like my skin is crawling, the racing thoughts are way out of control, i seen my tp today, she seems really concerned because I acted out the other day ( had to do with an popular Internet site, I can't tell you what i did for other reasons but its not what it sounds like or near as bad, its just bad for me) all because i got the thought stuck in my head and did not stop till i got it, even though i know with my past it was a bad idea. now i just feel bad about it. I just want to crawl in a hole, I don't know if this is the worse I've been or not, my memory is so bad......but I want it to stop!!!!

Dave

[xn728]

hi dave sorry your in pain ,sometimes its to much to bear ,so what do we think when we get to this state,we,ll im not gonna tell you
,you already know .but if we stand and look into that dark place were the dark angel has taken us to ,we cant
see can we ,nothing there no sound ,or peace, no rest ,no heavenly,people to take our hands
and lead us into that painless world ,or no devil smiling as he takes our soul forever ,no demons flying above
waiting to harvest our last shreds of earthly being ,the horror of what we live with now is bad enough
without it plunging ourselfs into unknown world ,the dark sentinal is cunning ,it will take you to the edge of
your life ,and there you stand if you take that step it becomes death ,it may whisper in your weak mind that
you will find peace here and no more suffering ,but we cant see in here ,and know one ever comes back
to tell us what its like .so be carful dave for if your tricked into making the wrong decistion ;
you will be lost forever,ive stood at this place many times young and old ,and i looked hard in there ,
and what do you think i saw ,i saw horrors beyond anything i had seen in life ,i saw myself falling
forever and my family ,crying over and over ,so much pain .i saw the life i had as a boy the terrible things i did
i saw my mother scream as her house and all her belongings burnt in the inferno i created ,why did i see all this
because this is my darkness,and i dont know your darkness,but while you have read this i have walk through my mind
and entered into your darkness ,i can feel your pain i stand beside you now as you look into that dark place
i cant see your fears and demons ,but my deppresstion is with me here ,i call it the visitor ,it came to me when
i was seven and has been with me ever since,so your not alone now my friend ,there are four of us here
you me .the visitor,and your depprestion dont worry my visitor wont hurt you it has my soul and force ,and mine
only .if you try hard dave you may feel my presance ,i have your arm and we will turn our backs on this place
and walk away ,so come now walk with me ,if you like i will carry you ,as i said ive been here many times
and i do not fear it ,you came to this forum looking for something ,i hope you have found a little hope ,i may sound like a
like a crazy man but we are all the same here ,you held out your hand and i took it and tryed to make you
feel a part of something ,when you posted on here you shared with us ,we read and try to answer truly and
compastionatly ,we shared replys with you ,so we became shareholders with you and each other,so as a shareholder
in you i dont want to give my share up so no matter how bad you feel dont take that step because you are special
you will find the power deep inside to carry on ,i have cryed and screamed ,banged my head into the wall
ive bled and ive wished i was dead ,but im still here ,because depprestion take many things away
but it also produces super resiliance as well the will to survive ,im sorry for your pain dave ,i would
carry it for you so that you could rest xn728,,,,,Ken

[Fourdave]

XN, wow, just wow..... you are a , a , I don't know what. but I envy you, i know that sounds crazy but, to me it seams as if you walked through the fire, maybe still in there, and yet can look to me and say you will stand here with me, wow......

Sounds to me you have identified your feelings, your "visitor" and have done all this, I can't even identify any feelings as of late, if I cry am I sad? laugh = happy? pound my fist, angry? I don't know, really don't, I always feel like I am what I think I am supposed to be.... make since? If something sad happens on TV, i feel sad cause I am supposed to feel sad. I never know if the feeling i have are real. I just can't identify them. and I have a real problem with things I can't see or Identify, I have to understand everything, i have to fix everything and everybody, i can never just be me, if there is such a thing as me!!!!!!

I stand here yelling at the top of my lungs.... HELP ME, and as soon as someone tries, I feel afraid they might. I keep telling my TP that maybe I don't want to get better, maybe there is a really bad person just waiting to get out, maybe this is how I keep him under control, under all these layers of gunk and goo

I really do not have any desire to take my life, I always say, " I plan on living forever, and so far so good" but i often think about it and if there was a way I could snap my fingers and be gone from this world, mmm maybe. besides I have to be here when I win the lottery don't I

Xn thank you for your post, not sure how much of my post reflected on that, my mind wonders terrible, but thank you

Dave

[xn728]

hi fourdave ,i was so glad to see your reply to my post ,i hope it lifted you ,i felt good when i saw your response
i felt i had made a differance ,im nothing special in here we are all the same ,i just use my way of living
with the visitor to let others know there not alone ,i write these things from inside ,from the pain i have endured
for nearly 5 decades .and i always mean what i say ,the things i write may seem strange at times ,but this is the
way my mind has changed to cope with the visitor within ,my life is filled with horror and terrible thoughts ,
i know your pain and what your going through ,i have therepy and various things ,but i just know i will not ever be
better i have traveled to far now and i cant turn back ,but for yourself ,you have found new friends here and they
wont let you down ,we are all one ,thousands of vioces all crying out ,i have places in my mind were i go to be safe
in hard times ,i can go and see Russ my childhood self in a place were he sleeps ,we lay together and keep each other
safe ,i wont let the visitor harm him ,he took him as a child but he cant have him now ,theres a room were i lay down
and sleep the demons fly all around above me and the visitor shows me horrible things,and theres the place were the
visitor takes me when im at the step at the edge of the darkness ,but i always find the strentgh to turn and walk
away ,i think you will be learning now how to cope with things ,the depprestion will hurt you but it will also
give you the need to find new ways of coping ,you read my post about me entering your darkness and standing
besides you ,and you used your mind to feel my presance there ,so you do have the feelings within ,i,ll always
read your posts and i know you will have pain and fear and anger ,but i know you will also be strong and stay
safe ,as i said if i could take your pain and give you a rest i would ,so reach out when you feel the need ,and
from out of the darkness i will stand with you and do battle together my freind,read the posts in here they will
tell you lots and you can learn to ,stay safe dave ,i will look forward to reading more from you ,good or bad let
us know how you are cheers ,,xn728 Ken