I don't really have a future...

[_Spiral_]

Imagine you are in a room full of peoples and everyone is having a good time talking and connecting to one another. In less than a couple of minute, you find yourselves all alone while everyone else has made acquaintances. Think about a time in your life where you find yourself in the exact situation or remember someone who has, visualize how you feel at that time. This is everyday reality in my life, as a social failure, I can't seem to grasp the basic concept of socializing. My speaking skill is that off an elementary school grader, because throughout most of my life I never really had any friends and are usually found wandering alone on the school campus.

I was always the one that people would make fun off, getting bully constantly by more than just one bully, and was pretty much the school scapegoat. My first crush actually slap me across the face because she didn't want other people to think that she didn't hate me, whether she did or not I don't know. It didn't stop there, girls started to start rumor about me, and pretend to like me only to dump me as soon as their bets are over. I was consider worthless, but I was too young to understand why, my value was to treat other with respect and they would do the same, yet that never happen. I completely lost hope in ever finding someone who would ever love me for who I am. By the time high school start, I would get ask by girls sometime, and whether they like me or not, my middle school experiences force me to run away and hide. I wasn't going to let them toy with my heart anymore and I couldn't trust anyone.

My love life took a toll for the worst when a girl who I like and seem to like me ask me out, and I was too scare and I rejected her. She was my only friend but I couldn't let her see me being an outcast and rejecting her was the only way to keep my identity safe. We were friends for a while until I move school without letting her know and changing my phone number. I didn't want to remember what could have been, she was not only pretty, but smart, caring, and has a wonderful heart. As I grown more older, I realize that was a mistake, she wouldn't have care if I didn't have friends or not. That was the first and only encounter I have had with a female friend.

That example above is my experience on my first day of college, and from that moment on has haunt me to this day. My college experiences so far is a wreck, a sham, an utter disaster, and resemble everything that I have try so hard to escape. I'm ruining my future because I was almost kick out of college for such low grades due to depression that unless I can muscle up some determination, I can kiss my future good bye.

I have a birth defect that prevent me from smiling properly and as such socializing with other people is a pain. I question why I was born like this almost daily, it has cause me so much pain and agony. When a girl would smile at me, I usually just ignore her, had I been able to smile back, I have a feeling that the chances of me getting a girlfriend would increase significantly. Couple this with my lack of social skills, my poor grades, I don't feel like I will have a future.

I don't know why I am writing this to complete stranger, but I had to let some things out. I'm not depress to the point I want to kill myself, but I'm not happy either. Depression still linger in me, I just do by with what I can and let tomorrow takes it toll. I been to countless therapies and various counselor/psychologist and in the end, nothing was solves and I just end up wasting money. I'm mostly bore if anything else, but boredom come from the lack of friendships or a meaningful relationship. I probably just sit on my ass all day playing games to combat this boredom. I don't have much to look forward to, I'm not excited about school nor am I excited to be at home, I really don't know if I will ever find true happiness, and that really scare me. I won't exaggerate and say that nothing good ever happen in my life, like everyone else there are high and low point. But what I know for sure is that it is not real happiness. Which really leave me in a rung trying to figure out what to do with my life. Would I be able to even study and try to reverse my grades before it too late?

I'm writing this not to be judge, of course one will not fully understand the course of my life or my everyday experiences, thoughts, feeling, and so fore. In another word you have to be in someone shoe to fully understand what they are going through. My situation is very complex and extremely difficult to figure out. I been trying to figure out for many years without even coming close to a solution. Maybe the solution are in my dreams, my nightmares, my past, but I'm no psychic.

[aim]

Hi Spiral - welcome to the DU forums!

You seem like a man who has been through so many difficult things, and as a result, you have closed yourself off from the world around you. I am sure that you are not as socially inept as you think you are... in fact? So many people that I have come across who think that they are socially unable to function, are usually wrong about themselves. It is the people who think they are better than everyone else... the cocky bastards who are truly the socially retarded ones!

I know how difficult it must be to open yourself up to others after so many years of abuse by the outside world. That said though... the only way to find true happiness with another IS opening yourself up. Not to everyone, but to one special person who will love and cherish you for exactly who you are. I know that is a lot easier said than done, but trust your instincts, Spiral. That special woman is out there... just waiting for you to become ready for her.

Keep the faith, Spiral. You have a very good grip on the fact that life is never all bad, and that although you are unhappy, you seem to understand that things could be worse. You sound like a bright guy!

I'm sorry for your past; no one deserves to be bullied and put down during their lives. Just remember... every day you live, every step you take, every class you register for, can be bringing you one step closer to finding the love of your life... she's out there!!! Just keep your mind open and never ever give up or stop believing...

[redux]

Here's an idea: instead of smiling, try raising your eyebrows. That would look pretty cool! If you have few words, just say "Hi" and wait for them to start the talking.

Social acceptance seems all-important in college, but focusing on the classes and choosing the right major and career path are really crucial. Studying can keep you occupied doing something useful and that could bring happiness. Thinking too much about the hurtful experiences in social situations is not helpful in my opinion. I did that a lot and it just made it worse. Better to just use that time to seek better experiences. Believe me, there are kind people out there, look for them. Don't hang out around the ones who are not.

You are probably thinking, what's with this guy, he's giving some advice but he doesn't understand my situation! I've been there. Not exactly in your shoes--yes, I can smile. But I've had lots of social pain in the past, and a lot of physical problems now! I don't have an easy life, so that's why I chime in, it rings a bell with me.

But I don't blame you for complaining either! I'm glad you came here to share your experiences, there's a lot of people here who understand, maybe not all your situation, but understand in general.

Hope it gets better!

[aim]

Totally agree with redux about how crucial it is to focus on your studies. The ones who don't end up failing out of school and going into dead-end jobs. You know all those geeks from high school? They are the wealthy ones with hot spouses and loads of money. Look at Bill Gates!

I know social acceptance seems like the most important thing, and I do agree that friends are important to keep your personal life fulfilling, but remember that this too shall pass. Everything does, no matter how bad it seems at the time...

[_Spiral_]

Hi Amy and Redux

I didn’t think anyone would respond to my message so I really appreciate this.

I think I am socially inept because my voice is very hoarse when I try to speak up or sometime nothing come out of my mouth at all. I don’t know what you mean by opening up? I am so shy; I’m very scare of large group and at school everyone is in large group. I want to be as confidence as I would be in the mirror or by myself but I’m not, when I see someone I like I completely become a whole new person. I become so nervous and panicky and so afraid of how they would judge me, and fear of rejection and awkwardness the most.

I just wish I had the confidence of those popular guys you see, but I’m not even good looking so I’m very self-conscious.

[aim]

hi again, Spiral. I'm so sorry to hear about your lack of self-esteem and confidence! I will tell you that those two things are the ONLY difference between you and those,"popular guys." I'm sure you are a kind and caring person, and I doubt it when you say that you are not good looking! What is good looking? I have to tell you... beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, ok? That's the truth.

I am no doctor, but it sounds like you have social phobia... have you ever heard of that? If not, please look into it, ok? Social phobia can be quite crippling, but there is help out there.

((((Sprial))))

[xn728]

i am like this 40 years now ,pushed around ,bullyed ,ignored ,you need to think in a differant way i left it to late and im destroying myself now ,ive wrote some nice things on here ,and for some reason im withdrawing and taking them with me ,deleting them nightly till my presence here makes no sense ,im sorry to be blunt think about what is happening ,dont forget ,
today is the tommorrow you worried about yesterday ,be careful dont take the path the dark one shows you ,bye everyone xn728

[aim]

Ken... what a shame that you are deleting yourself from DU - you have been such an important presence here. Perhaps you will reconsider?

If not... please know that we are all still here. Still listening. You cannot delete the friends you have made and the memories you have left behind - no matter what you do.

[xn728]

the door has closed behind me ,and im alone in the dark once more ,theres so much anger inside me ,i only have my self to blame use your kind words for those are just starting there journey with depprestion ,this is my fight ,ive been given a counseler now ,and after a few sestions ,ive realised im on my own ,there just not on the same planet ,so much hope dashed in a couple of hours .so now its my life my world ,my problem ..........xn

[xn728]

you must carry on even if your deppressed all your life ,your circumstanses are differant to mine ,you were given your problems ,i made my own world of darkness and horror,you cant sit on your arse all day its not in the game rules ,you have to move forward and take steps
dont let the darkness take you down to far ,you must look into the future im sure there will be one for you ,im evil and full of hate and anger for myself ,sometimes i think im deppresstion personified,my future is scarred
on the inside of my brain ,only i can see it .you cant see a future because you can only see the darkness in front of your eyes .think what you would like your future to be and try and make it happen ,reach out through the dark curtain and take what is yours .it may be hard and you will feel pain and pherhaps cry ,but dont worry it will make you stronger ,people here will support you ,goodbye be strong xn728

[xn728]

hey all you guys ,you see now what happens ,i deleted my posts and now i feel bad
this is what depprestion is all about ,the visitor inside will make you do things
witch will make you sad ,and make you look bad ,my soul was in a lot of those postings and i destroyed them
the visitor gave me thoughts that were misleading and i was taken in ,i can never replace them
they were written in the moment my true feelings at the time they could have been helpful to others
never mind i have now been erased and i am nothing xn728

[aim]

Hey Ken... I agree that depression makes you do things that you would not normally do - like delete those amazing posts you wrote. But we are still here, Ken. Write more. Don't stop. Write all that is going through you head and share them with us. There is still plenty of people to help on here... it's not over.

And you are not nothing. You are KEN. The Ken who is married to a woman he loves, was lucky enough to have amazing and successful children, and the man who sticks his neck out for animals. Hm. Ken sounds pretty great to me...

[aim]

Spiral... what's going on? Anything new? Remember... those so called popular guys got nothing on you! I wonder if Bill Gates was popular in High school - Donald Trump, maybe? Hm. Somehow I doubt it. Keep the faith, Spiral, and do let us know how you are doing!