Depression Understood Forums

Hi everyone,

I've written some things about myself in the introductions forum and now I'm here.

I started feeling depressed when I was about 11 years old, it was all very confusing and a hard time for me. At the age of 13 I had my first abusive relationship. I only saw him at school as I was only 13 years old and didn't go on dates. He would beat me up, other people saw it but did or said nothing, therefore I thought nothing must be wrong with the relationship. When I was 14 I started going out with a new guy, he was 2 years older than I was and at a different school. I transfered to that school after the following summer, my ex boyfriend severly beat me for "leaving him, because he loved me so much". Anyway, now I was at a new school, with a new guy and thought I could start a clean slate.

Well this guy did drugs, he pressured me into sex when I was only still 14. I used to hurt myself physcally, it seemed to take away the pain at frist but only hurt my family which made me feel worse. He took me places but left me in the car because he didn't want people to see me, this all added to my low self esteem and depression. When he was high he would punch me, hit me, one time he hit me across the head with a stick. At 17 years old I was still with this guy. One day we went to one of his co-workers trailer for dinner. That night haunted me for years, long story short, the 50 something year old co-worker sexual abused me while my boyfriend watched and did nothing. I have gone to therapy because of it and have completed the traumatic recovery thing.

I finally got the guts to dump my boyfriend after that.

But although that stuff happened to me, I was still depressed before any of these thing happened. And I have no idea why. My suicidal thoughts were taking over my life along with sadness, fear and anxiety. I had friends in high school and after high school, but one way or another I always push them away. 2 people I once were friends with, have commited suicide, that was so hard for me but at the same time I saw how many people were upset and it kind of helped me in a way. Plus no one saw it coming, these people were ordinary, happy people. It made me realize that I'm not the only one out there suffering, though I had to realize these things through tragedy.

As of 2 years ago I have been on Prozac, it has helped but if it cured everything then I wouldn't be on here right now. I've been with my soon to be husband for 3 years now, he presisted me to get the help and the medication I needed. He is an amazing man, but still doesn't understand my depression and anxiety. And no one in my family does either.

I no longer hurt myself since being on the prozac.

I still don't have friends.

I'm happy to people around me, am I happy with myself? not yet, but I would like to be, one day.

Hi there,

I know it took a lot of courage to tell us some things you've never told anyone. Thank you so much for sharing with us.

You've been through a lot, and have gone through things nobody should ever have to go through, that's for sure. The pain of those abusive relationships is really tortorous and can really be toxic, I know.

You're right when you say you're not the only one suffering, and you're not alone--I'm very sorry to hear about your friends that comitted suicide. It's good that you're not hurting yourself anymore and a definite step in the right direction to getting better! I'm glad the prozac is helping. You're right--it's not a cure, but it does help. And, I do hope you find the happiness you're looking for. I think it is out there for you.

DrDes

I was abused for a good portion of my younger years. It took me a long time to realize that one of the reasons was my low self-esteem. Every different abuser put me deeper and deeper into the pit.

For me it meant that the worse they made me feel, the more they could do to me. Also the more and more I wanted so desperately to have someone care. I would do anything, anyone wanted me to do, so they might care about me. That they didn't dump me.

You mention that you now have an amazing man in your life. I suppose that, like most things, if you don't experience it you don't understand. I am sure it isn't because he doesn't want to.

In a previous life, the person that I was with couldn't understand just why I was the the way I am.

I found a few books at the library. Some were clinical. They were helpful. What also was helpful were the books that had the personal experiences of some people (famous and not) who also have the struggle with depression.

Remember that you have friends here, who have been through some of the struggles that you have (we can't all have the exact same experiences), and are most willing to listen.

Take care

Hey rainydays... thanks for sharing your story.

Seems you've been through a lot with men... congrats for getting out of those horrible situations, and finding a healthy one with your fiance. He sounds like a very good man, who wants what is best for you. Asking you to get help proves that he does love you and only want what is best for you.

I have to tell you though, and I've said this before on here, anyone who has not been through depression/anxiety cannot possibly understand it. They can empathize with you, but they cannot really know what it feels like. Sounds like a good man who loves you... I hope that's true.

You are BRAVE! Three cheers for you. Seriously. Every one has said something similar to what I've said, so I'll try to ask/say what no one has yet.

The 1st thing that popped into my mind came from what you said at the end, so perhaps this is something you might want to think about or maybe you already know the answer?

What are you not happy about, regarding yourself/situations? What will it take to be happy? (What do you want?) Have you planned a way to get there? Is it realistic? Are you too hard on yourself? ???

Maybe you can make a plan, if you haven't already or tweak the one you currently have. That might help. Writing it out might help you to work toward it & organize your feelings/thoughts/etc.

I hope this helps.

I have to agree with Crystal saying that you are brave... you ARE!

As far as being too hard on yourself... probably. I think we all are to a certain extent, huh?