Depression Understood Forums

I am depressed again. I don’t know why this always happens. I feel like I’m more often depressed than happy or at least satisfied. But it’s also strange because while I hate being depressed, I find comfort in being depressed. The only explanation as to why this is that I can think of is that I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom; thus I’m invincible. You can do whatever you want to me and say whatever you want to me and my feelings won’t get hurt. I wish I could commit suicide. I’ve tried maybe four times, but each time I could only raise enough courage to try once and when I did not succeed I couldn’t work up the heart to try again. I say “I wish I could commit suicide”, because I’ve come to realize that it would break my parents’ hearts, and hurt those close to me. Now don’t get the impression that I’m egoistical enough to think that everyone loves me so much that they would mourn my death, but I do think that a few people would, and I don’t want to hurt them. I find myself more and more becoming obsessed with death, and I am convinced that I won’t live much longer. I know that there is an estimated 83% chance that I will live to be 65, but with everything that could possibly kill me, I find that statistic really hard to believe. In addition to this obsession with death, I’m becoming extremely paranoid. I’m terrified I’ll be falsely accused of a crime, and I feel like I will, even though I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m afraid I’ll be shunned, or sent to jail, but I don’t even break the law with exception of the occasional drink or the occasional herbal indulgence. And that feeling – the feeling of being considered a criminal – makes me feel guilty for trying to make friends now, because they’ll just be embarrassed to be my friend when I do get falsely accused of a crime. I think that I’m a terrible person. I try to be nice to everybody, but I’m afraid everyone thinks I’m an asshole. I feel so ashamed of myself when I think of my parents and how good of an upbringing they gave me, and how did I reward them? I grew up to be a worried, depressed kid who hides his feelings by being loud and obnoxious. I mean, my mom says that everyone feels depressed every once in a while, but for me, it’s like I only feel happy every once and a while. Odds are that I will live to be 65, and without being falsely accused of a crime, but then I’ll be filled with regret for wasting my life worrying about these outrageous possibilities. Talk about your double-edged sword.

Thanks for letting us know a little of your story.

You mentioned several times that you are convinced that you aren't going to live much longer. Also that you have tried suicide.

It is obvious that you are hurting very deeply.

If you get the chance to read a few of the posts that were put up by others that are in the forum, you will see that we have people from all sorts of backgrounds.

There are some of us that are a little older, some a middle-aged, some very young. There is no judging in this group. Just a bunch of people, who are in the same boat that are willing (and sometimes pass on what we have learned from other similiar experiences we might have to yours) to listen.

I have often said that in this vein, that depression is the great equalizer. It has no respect for gender, age, education, money, even family responsiblities.

The gray wall of depression is still gray. Whether you are looking out of a penthouse window or a window in a homeless shelter.

Hope we will get the chance to learn a little more about you in the next while.

Hey there JP. I read your post & I see a lot of myself in it.

Hhmm.... You sound like you're angry with yourself. I've been there & the only thing I could say that helped me was to stop. (It's easier said than done, but it's only because I stopped beating up on myself, so much that things are just a little better. You have to be alert & actively looking for those times when you're tearing down yourself & stop in the middle of doing so.)

I am obsessed with death as well & a bit of a paranoiac. It's taken me a long time, but I've been able to use the paranoia to my advantage to protect myself. I've only managed to do that, since I direct it at many things instead of just 1 subject--from safety driving, in the house, on the Internet & so forth.

It's almost a sort of 6th sense for me now. My level of paranoia makes me feel like a freak, but what I've thought about or said has sometimes come to pass, so it doesn't bother me too much.

I, too, am afraid of being falsely accused of a crime. I sort of just stopped worrying because the worrying was stealing my soul. I wouldn't enjoy any thing & it's only because I ended up asking myself, "What kind of life is this to live?" that I was able to tone it down a little.

What will come will come. Let it come at me. I'll be waiting & I'll fight it every step of the way (or as much as I can). That's how I've freed myself for the moment.

Please try not to continue to tear yourself down & the reason I will say that is that there are so many people out in the world to do that for you that there's no reason for you to do it to yourself, too. I don't know if that helps.

Instead of thinking you are a terrible person, why not think that you are a great person (in spite of whatever it is that is happening)? It's hard to do, but it's really important not to constantly think bad things (negative self talk). You might not get anywhere if you don't try to stop. If you fail, then retreat, attack & retreat again, if you must!

Guilt tripping yourself might not be helping (the part where you said you're ashamed of yourself & asking how you rewarded your parents). The thing is you still have time--whether they're here physically to see it or not. You still have time.

It's sort of stop, breathe, think.... Stop, breathe, think, plan a little.... (like a timeout or painting, drawing, writing music, adding on a house) etc.

Continue talking. We will be here. I hope this helped in some way.

Hi JP,

Crystalgaze gave you some good ideas to think about. You do have time to work on changing your opinion of yourself.

Also her advice on to stop, breath and think, I think was very appropriate.

Whenever I see people around me beating themselves up, I often say that they are good people and deserve to cut themselves a little slack.

It would be wonderful if I followed my own advice. I too beat myself up pretty well. Mother often says that I didn't need to be punished when I was a child, that I did it better than she ever could.

On some kind of reasonable level I understand that I shouldn't be doing this to myself.

By cutting yourself some slack, your self-esteem will grow by leaps and bouncds. I think that you will realize that people don't have the opinion that you are a bad person. I probably is the opposite.

Hi, jpj132792... you are definitely too hard on yourself... we are our own worst critics, oftentimes.

I went through a similar period of always expecting my death. Either by disease (I'm a diagnosed hypochondriac) or just by stepping off the curb and getting hit by a bus. It was REAL fear for me, jpj132792, so I truly do understand what you're feeling in that sense.

Have you sought help? A doctor? Medication? Sometimes medication helps us see things more clearly so that we can help ourselves...

And as far as anyone understanding depression if they have not had it? It doesn't happen, from my experience. They can sympathize, but never truly get it.