Get it out, Get over it and Let it go...!
Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 5:07 pm
How many times has that been said or heard...? It isn't that easy.
My story, like others I've read here is an ongoing saga of internal warfare seeded in a youthful trauma suppressed/unaddressed or an imbalanced chemical physiology. Yes, it's easy to intellectualize on some level an understanding about what one experiences. But I can no longer deny a condition that has left a trail of under-education, under-employment and under-appreciation (for self) in my life. I sometimes feel like I've failed and let everyone down, especially myself.
Verbal, emotional and physical abuse is something more people than not experience during their formative years and they go on to live meaningful and productive lives, yet I for the most part don't think that I have. I don't want to end my life...I cherish every breath of life I take. I just can't seem to forgive myself for all the self-defeating behavior and squandering of blessings and opportunities that I've been given. Now, at almost 50 I look back and I see nothing I have to show for the life I've lived, other than broken promises, unattained aspirations and debt.
Damn...self pity really sucks...!
I could tell of all my wounded-child issues, foolish self aggrandizement and anger. But, however cathartic that might possibly be, it really wouldn't change anything and change is what I long for. The isolation and introspection has become numbing. I think about the man I believed I was and struggle to face the man I've let myself become...and it hurts...it hurts bad. I've got to get a handle on this thing before it's to late. I just wish I new how, without a hand full of pills and pouring out my soul to someone that sees me as a case study and really has no stake in my life. Still, I applaud and encourage those that have found some modicum of success, with these methods.
How amazing it is that so many are on the same journey to find peace from the scourge of depression, but find ourselves in such different boats. Sorry if I rambled or went off the deep end. I'll end by saying..I know first hand, that all the challenges of depression and it's related issues can be quite difficult, but we can't and shouldn't let it define us. I have to believe there is relief to be had and a wellspring of joy and calm that awaits, simply because we're worth it...!
My story, like others I've read here is an ongoing saga of internal warfare seeded in a youthful trauma suppressed/unaddressed or an imbalanced chemical physiology. Yes, it's easy to intellectualize on some level an understanding about what one experiences. But I can no longer deny a condition that has left a trail of under-education, under-employment and under-appreciation (for self) in my life. I sometimes feel like I've failed and let everyone down, especially myself.
Verbal, emotional and physical abuse is something more people than not experience during their formative years and they go on to live meaningful and productive lives, yet I for the most part don't think that I have. I don't want to end my life...I cherish every breath of life I take. I just can't seem to forgive myself for all the self-defeating behavior and squandering of blessings and opportunities that I've been given. Now, at almost 50 I look back and I see nothing I have to show for the life I've lived, other than broken promises, unattained aspirations and debt.
Damn...self pity really sucks...!
I could tell of all my wounded-child issues, foolish self aggrandizement and anger. But, however cathartic that might possibly be, it really wouldn't change anything and change is what I long for. The isolation and introspection has become numbing. I think about the man I believed I was and struggle to face the man I've let myself become...and it hurts...it hurts bad. I've got to get a handle on this thing before it's to late. I just wish I new how, without a hand full of pills and pouring out my soul to someone that sees me as a case study and really has no stake in my life. Still, I applaud and encourage those that have found some modicum of success, with these methods.
How amazing it is that so many are on the same journey to find peace from the scourge of depression, but find ourselves in such different boats. Sorry if I rambled or went off the deep end. I'll end by saying..I know first hand, that all the challenges of depression and it's related issues can be quite difficult, but we can't and shouldn't let it define us. I have to believe there is relief to be had and a wellspring of joy and calm that awaits, simply because we're worth it...!