My situation

[Vincent]

Hello everyone....

I'm a 41 year old guy...happily married for 13 years now, and we have a beautiful 6-year old daughter who is the absolute jewel of my world.

I was born and raised down South...but have lived up North now for half my life...unfortunately, it had been 18 years since I had last been able to take a trip down to visit my family again...18 years since I last saw my father in person, or my stepmother, or big brother...I've kept in touch with them over the phone, of course..e-mails..letters, etc.

I guess I should start at the beginning, and I'll try to keep it relatively short.

I moved up North out of desperation...my life was (or at least felt like it was at the time) collapsing around me...my friends were turning against me for no apparent reason...my family was becoming increasinly difficult to deal with...the one true love of my life, a girl who to this day I've never been able to get over, was going off to college too far away for us to stay together...I lost my job, my car was a piece of immobile junk...and out of total desperation, I jumped off the path I was on and "escaped" by running up North on a Grayhound bus, where I stayed with my alcholic mother. My plans were to stay for about a year or two..get my thoughts in order...and move back. But I found myself "stuck"...in a tiny little nothing of a town, with no job, no car, no prospects...and she continued to get worse and worse and I stayed to take care of her until she passed away a few years ago. My wife and I had gotten married before she dies, though..and for a short time she stayed with us...she attempted suicide with an overdose of pain pills on the front porch of our house one day, but she survived it. She died a few years ago of several lung and liver-related problems.

Her suicide attempt, though, hit me hard...a year before I met my wife, I too had attempted suicide, trying to drink myself to death...thinking alcahol poisoning might be the "way to go", and there was never any shortage of vodka, Jack Daniels and Tequila around in our place. All it did, however, was make me very, very sick...two or three days straight of vommiting would convince me that I definately made a bad move...but also, it caused a problem that will be with me for the rest of my life...chronic costochondritis. Now and then and for no particular reason, I'll feel a sharp, horrible chest pain, like having a massive heart-attack. I could go months without a flair-up...and then when I least expect it, BANG...it hits me again. Stress can cause a flair-up too...and a flair-up can range from a dull ache to a mind-shattering "shotgun blast to the chest" kind of pain. Needless to say, it doesn't help with the depression much.

So, after 13 years of marriage, I find myself unable to deny that I'm depressed...I had been denying it for years..my wife says ever since she met me there has been some kind of "wall around my heart" that she's never been able to get through...and our best friend have been telling her for years now that "he's depressed, you should try to get him some help". By the way, I only recently told my wife about my suicide attempt a year before I met her.

I've begun to realize that I miss my hometown...I miss my family...after my mother died, I have no family here...after 18 years, I recently took a vacation to visit my family down South...and there I saw a neice and a nephew that have grown up and have kids of their own..and I've missed out on all of that...while watching my wife's neices and nephews grow up. I feel I've missed out on too much of my life..living a life that isnt' really mine, in a place I never really belonged....and on top of all that, that one true love of my life I mentioned earlier that went off to college...well, she's back...living back in the same town...and she has never gotten over me, either...and she wants me back.

So yeah, I've been deeply depressed...feeling out of place...feeling guilty for all of it...I had hoped that taking a trip down South might help me...instead, it made me want even more to move back...to return to a life I had run from...left before I was ready to...and finding my former love still there...still wanting me...that certainly adds to a desperate desire to return as well....and my wife has absolutely NO desire whatsoever to EVER live down South..she's a Northern girl all the way...and if she ever DID happen to be willing to move back to the South with me, I'd never truly feel happy knowing I'd brought her somewhere she doesn't really want to be. Not to make myself sound like a martyr or anything, but I have always had a habit of allowing myself to remain miserable, even if I know what to do to NOT be miserable, if knowing that would in turn make someone else miserable...make sense? I've always been more willing to stay unhappy if my happiness should make someone else unhappy....just a guilt complex, I suppose..but lately, it's becomming increasingly difficult to be that way....lately, I've started to feel desperate to be happy...even if it means being a bit selfish for once.

[living an adventure]

Sometimes, being selfish is what will help. You can't be depressed forever. Do you really want to live like that? I'm not telling you to leave your wife, but you obviously don't love her as much as this other girl. However, if you do take a trip down there alone, do not cheat on your wife, just assess the situation. It's been a long time; this girl could have changed.

Good luck.

[Vincent]

Well, I DID go down there to visit last month, alone. My wife had just had her tonsils removed, and had to use her vacation time to recover, so I went alone. Yes, I did spend some time with the other woman..nothing I should feel bad about..we went to a baseball game, watched one of our favorite old movies and ate pizza...it was fun, and completely innocent. However, she did let me know, in just so many words, that she does indeed still have strong feelings for me, and that she wants me back.
The feelings I've been having about wanting to go back have been with me for years now, since long before I've been back in touch with her. This just adds to it, I guess you can say.
And as far as her changing, she hasn't....she's more mature now, but still...the same girl I fell in love with back then.