My LIFE STORY: PTSD, Depression, and Schizoaffective

[myoung5]

Please do not remove this post I have nowhere to share. If you do not like what I have to say or share, please simply keep it moving I have no time to defend myself. I am utterly exhausted and withering away on my bedroom floor as I am typing this message. I can't physically move my body, I am frozen for hours staring at a wall or my window. By the way, be prepared to get triggered. I've warned you and don't come at me with petty bullshit.

I’m 27 and I’ve struggled with PTSD, Schizoaffective Disorder, and isolation for six years. Despite it is 2024, nothing has fundamentally changed. I know I have to become the change I want to see, but I don't have the motivation or discipline. Please read my post carefully and not jump to conclusions about my intentions and identity. I feel nauseous and suicidal nearly everyday.
As I look back, I’ve lived a tragedy and I am in a hellscape. Everywhere I look the ghosts of my life haunt me and trample on my soul. I am paralyzed by my depression and nihilism. I can't find a single soul to talk to. I am not exaggerating nobody has texted or reached out to me for a year or so. I can't remember honestly. I spend everyday speaking to absolutely nobody online and offline lying on my bedroom floor. No social media, no television, and no video games. Absolutely nothing I cannot relate to my peers at all I am a mole rotting away in the ground. I would lie to you if I told you that I never wanted to hurt myself or even others. Yes even others. I've talked to my therapist but it's not helping and I can't seek medication because I can't find the right doctor and other issues regarding insurance.

Here's a list of traumatic events:
• Attempted to jump off a bridge in NYC, hit my head with my rearview mirror, rolled helplessly in the middle of the street and screaming at strangers in the city, and collided my body into oncoming traffic. Self-harmed and violently broken glass in public. Physically assaulted and almost robbed by two strangers on the street in New York in Brooklyn (Summer 2022)
• I've been robbed, ghosted, and scammed on dating apps multiple times and by escorts. I have a horrible sex addiction now and it's humiliating and dehumanizing. I even had escort use me and take my money and steal my car and go to a club with her and her friends to f*** me over.
• Victim of bullying since my childhood (11-18). Ostracized and stigmatized for my learning development disorder in school and mixed ethnicity (Black & Asian) and I became painfully shy and had absolutely no friends or peer group throughout my adolescence. I brought a knife to school at 11 to defend myself from bullies, but the school saw it differently and labeled me as a threat and my peers stereotyped me as a serial killer with psychopathic tendencies. Although I never showed any signs of a violent person growing up, I might have potentially been on the asperger spectrum. My childhood town is full of traumatic memories because of these experiences. I can't even walk outside since I am revisited by all these shitty times riding my school bus and getting bullied and in my neighbourhood. I am the quintessential f***** up.
• Attempted to run away from home, roamed on highways, hitchhiked on buses, and slept in my car during the winter while working at Amazon Warehouse and crawled underneath a truck behind a gas station in Iowa. I had experienced many dissociative episodes throughout my twenties during a toxic LDR (Long Distance Relationship). I spent two summers roaming in fields and wandering aimlessly throughout the night and sleeping in Indiana Dunes National State Park when depressed and lost in life (2018-2022)
• My LDR ended after my partner left me for her secret pen pal in prison. I returned home and I got robbed and ghosted by everyone I trusted that I thought were potentially going to be my friends at school and at a group therapy program countless times this has happened to me bad luck all around me.
• I had strangers (teenagers) laugh at me in public during a mental health crisis while I was crying and screaming in secluded park at night and they rolled down their windows and laughed at me and mocked me for my screaming. Eerily similar to when I was in my college dorm and I had a panic attack in my room after being invited to see a friend in a city and then be ghosted. This is a recurring theme in my life and I returned and cried and yelled in my room. My roommates above me started to crack jokes and say take your medication! I screamed at them. They called me crazy and started to say horrible things to them I regretted and I couldn't leave room for a day since I was so embarrassed. It made me look crazy and triggered some childhood trauma.
• I met my biological dad recently for the first time in my life. I grew up as an only child with my grandparents, mother, and aunt in the same household. My dad is from Long Island, New York and contacted me through facebook and wanted to reach me. We met twice, but the third time completely ghosted me and left me in New York alone at a bar. I never could share with him my mental health and struggles. He never contacted me again. I don't know if this is worth mentioning but I also met my half-brother which was positive through him but because of our estranged relationship we can never met again.
• I drank excessively in my car nearly every summer while being home and got trapped with horrible manual labor jobs. I used to do really strange things I attempted to bring my grandfather's rifle from my basement and place it in my trunk and drive it to the woods and attempted to end my life. Thankfully I didn't realize it was loaded. I did so many strange things in woods and I stole from this liquor store in Princeton NJ.
• I have been in and out of college since 2016. Transferred schools and struggled immensely with my grades, I became more resentful toward school and I didn't care what major I wanted to pick. Struggled with psychosis, audio hallucinations, alcohol, depression, insomnia, and sex addiction. I recently graduated from college this past summer and I didn't experience the typical graduation. I graduated from my bedroom but I had existential crisis and I had to be admitted to the hospital this past summer (2023) for suicidal ideation. I talked to nobody at the hospital or peers I didn't know how to explain to anybody about my life I simply faked my smile and interactions with everyone and mostly isolated myself in my room all day. The psychiatrist was useless and she didn't listen to me and couldn't understand what was wrong with me and why I was antisocial. Sorry I know this is a lot but prior to this hospitalization while I was away at this new school, I also got in trouble with the public safety there and I had mental health crisis and they accused me of hurting the officer during maniac episode (racially profiled) and kicked out of the dorms and had to commute to school for almost two hours. I also experienced the worst psychotic episode since my LDR in Iowa where I began to believe in delusions about myself and the world around me it gets really strange but I got lost in this dark deep fantasy that lead me to act strangely at school, isolate, and live out these horrible things. I spoke to hardly anybody at this new school and isolated myself in my car every weekend in a vacant parking lot.

I COULD KEEP GOING, but it’s useless. I’m already gone and I don’t care who sees this. I am back home at 27. I live with my grandmother and aunt. I feel like a ghost my life is f***** UP. I am not lonely or dangerous f*** you see this. This is my confession and my place to feel validated as a human being. I want to burn and bury myself in my car deep in the woods. I recently returned to the parking lot of my middle school after all these years at night after my shift at work (Amazon) I cried in my car so so much in deep pain because I am back here in this place. The friends I did have growing up they're gone and moved on and have forgotten about me nobody absolutely I have no brother.
If you want to know more in depth here is my Youtube channel where I talk about various topics but mostly my life I created this not for attention but because I have nobody to reach out to. I don't use social media at all extensively I am not your typical loner going on these websites at all. Anyway I am here now my mind is so broken and I am in dangerously low place
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgvAvAejfQ0

[kalyl]

Don't give up on yourself, and keep reaching out for help until you find the support you need.
Strands NYT

[LucyCoffee]

No matter what, we should be optimistic about life, go out more often to see the outside world, to divert your attention!
.