Depression Understood Forums

I'll try to keep this somewhat brief, but as I haven't shared much with many people I might get long winded... if I do I really appreciate any readers. I haven't shared my story with anyone on here or in the chat yet either and felt it was due so here I go....

I'm usually pretty frustrated about my current state, I will be straight forward, i have a great life, I've had a great life and have a future. I count my blessings for being able to say all of that.

Yet despite all that, I haven't been truly happy in several years. My mom was an alcoholic. She drank as long as I can remember, was in and out of AA depending on her mood or depending on how much my dad persuaded her to go and stop drinking. And there were many times that she stopped drinking. A few years ago though I guess it got pretty bad, I think she was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver due to her drinking and was told to stop for obvious reasons. (I was never told of that, just was told she was "sick" and had a good many meds to take everyday... I was 23 at the time, but my family has never been one to be open about anything, so I was kept in the dark). A year later, my dad called to tell me my mom was in the hospital. At first I didn't think too much about it, she had been in and out for the year or two previous... as far as I knew for nothing ever very serious. However, this time was different, when I got to the hospital, my dad told me the doctors had given her very little chance of making it out. She had drank so much her liver was in end-stage liver disease... no chance of recovering. Only a transplant could save her, and she would only be eligible after being dry out of the hospital for 6 months.

Well... after three weeks her liver, then her kidneys then her heart all shut down. After going to the hospital to visit her for three weeks, she passed away. I lost my best friend and my mom that day. And I didn't lose her to old age, or a disease like cancer that doesn't chose it's victims or even get hit by a car. No, she found more love in the alcohol than being here with my dad and I and lost/wasted her life away because of it. So, I apologize if I ever seem cold or uninterested to any people in the chat talking about how they can only live on booze, or blah blah. Don't make your loved ones go through something like this. But to all of you that have gone sober you all are amazing and a huge hug to all of you (((((( ))))))).

That's I guess the worst of "my story", I apologize if I went on for too long or in too much detail for anyone... but as I sit here crying as I type, I can't stop the words.

But, there is more... 9 months before my mom passed, my boyfriend (and the one I was "supposed" to marry) broke things off to stay in town I was going to school in because he didnt' want to leave his work and friends. I later found out his "friend" was a girl he had been seeing the last 2 months we were together. We had been together 4.5 years.. so I lost my boyfriend of a long time and my bestest friend I'd ever had.

10 months after my mom passed away, my grandmother whom I was also close with passed away in her sleep at the age of 82 (I think) after battling cancer for a year.

Within a span of less than 2 years, I lost the two people who were most of my life and my best friends on earth. I had no one to turn to and well, even if I did my family isn't one to share things, so I probably wouldn't have confided in anyone. I turned everything internally, kept to myself, cried when I needed to and eventually found myself in a pretty heavy state of depression and I've been here for a solid year, maybe two.

I have no friends that I can count on or chat with. I haven't lived in one place for more than four months in two years. I am frequently asking myself at the end of each day, just what is my purpose and what do I have to live for. I'm sure I'll find something, but until that day comes I will just continue to not care and go through the daily motions as if I did. So, in theory I have a great life... but it's sure gotten hard to feel like it.

Sorry if I got a little wordy.. but thanks for reading it (if you do)

Dear Lady~
You sure don't have to apologize for going on too long - that's what we're here for. You can consider the people on this forum a new family - a family that does share and that does want to be there for you.

It is really good to hear that for the most part, your life is good. Losing those two people and not having anyone there for you is just awful. I know of what I speak; two and a half years ago, my husband was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer. He is the finest man alive and is only 54. I am 53. My sister was talked into coming over to give sympathy by my cousin, who genuinely cared, but my sister has never sent him a card, never called to ask how he is, never sent food, or asked if there is anything she could do. We were financially devastated because we didn't have health or life insurance. The friends and family that do care about us live hours away, but they call and send little gifts and two of them sent substantial amounts of money and let us know they really do care. I can really relate to your situation. There are a lot of us out there with cold families, and it was really a happy thing for me when I found this forum.

Just stay here with us, and don't be afraid you are boring anyone or that you've gone on too long. We all want to know how to help, and the more you tell us, the better we can shore you up:!:

A relationship like the one you had with the unfaithful boyfriend can be looked at as a learning experience, and then flushed down the toilet so you can carry on and find the right man. Coming home and finding some of your best clothing missing and someone else's undies in your bed is a hell of a learning experience. Before I found my husband, I sure learned not to believe everything I was told. This man I was with for 7 years (I was 17, he was 22) managed to not only keep me from knowing about all the other girls he was chasing, but that he was a drug addict too. It wasn't til a friend of ours who felt sorry for me told me that I found out about it. He then got me to believe he had quit, but I found blood spots on the arms of his shirts. I was, and still am, really gullable. So now I just don't really believe anything anyone tells me. You can bet I thoroughly vetted my husband before I married him. Don't give up. There are still a lot of really fine men out there.

It's very apparent that you are intellegent by your writing. And you are young, so there is still a lot of time to find the right things for your life - job, partner, home, future.

So just come visit us whenever you're feeling unhappy. We'll be here for you. Or tell us when something good happens. We'll share your joy.

Happy June!

A5

In a way I am glad that you are able to cry, I wasnt able to do that for many years. I am sad though that you dont have a physical person that you can put your shoulder on and let the tears out.

Please keep in mind, that so long as you keep coming to the forum and posting I can 100% assure you, that your postings are read by people who care about your happiness.

Dont ever apologize for the length of a post. You need to get it out and none of us mind reading your story. We are here to help in any way that we can.

For me it sometimes seems like, if I sit down at the computer and actually let those thoughts that are running around in my head (that I am too afraid to share with friends or family) that it does give me some peace.

So often in support groups, if people are asked what they want from the group, the almost universal answer seems to be, to be listened to.

That is what we will do here for you.

Hang in there.

Thanks for the replies

I am realizing that I apologize and thank people way more than I need to... for whatever reason. So thats probably why the 100 apologies.. but I do appreciate the reads

It's very true, monty, that writing is a good way to release some stuff. I have a blog, not on this site, but it's helpful just to write to no one when something is on my mind. Not really sure if I get any relief from it or learn anything from it, but it helps at the time.

This forum/chat is a great place from what I've seen so far. A bunch of great people out here who really seem to care.. nice to know there are still good people everywhere

LadyGator,

Know what it is like to feel like you are in the position to be always tripping over yourself. Either in the apologizing department of the thanking of people.

When I am with good friends I admit that 90% of the time when I apologize people, I am telling them very rude words in my head. The apologizing just got to the extent that I felt that I had to apologize, it just kind of has gotten to the point that to my friends you are in the 10% that if I apologize that I mean it.

Like I said the other 90% I am saying what I feel is expected of me, and most of the time the words that I say in my head are really very rude. Rude enough that I wouldn't type them here.

All of the people in this forum, I regard as being in the 10% of my life, that if I aplogize for something I mean it. As for the other 90%, I say my piece, smile and then just go on my way.

I guess that makes me kind of shallow. I know though that it is just a matter of how I manage to survive in my world.

Hey Lady Gator!! Writing is very theraputic, even if you are the only one to read what you have written. I remember that I had a journal when I was suffering from my worst bout of clinical depression. Years later, I read that journal,a nd could hardly believe it. I felt so sorry for that girl. But, I do remember that it helped me to express what I was feeling at the time, and not worry about being judged by anyone since I was the only one reading it!

Another thing that writing did for me? It allowed me to look back and feel really and truly grateful that I made it through that horrible point in my life. Kind of makes me think I can get through anything.

Keep writing, Lady Gator! (((((Girls)))))

LadyGator,

I suppose if the journalling gives you, even just a little, relief maybe it is a good thing to keep up.

When my son was about 4 1/2 months old, he was having trouble keeping food down. The doctor told me that I should write down the times that he ate during the day. When you get down to the dirty truth it was because he was a projectile vomiter. Man could that kid get some distance.

I followed her suggestion and ended up finally stopping with the process when he was 5 1/2 years old. By that time I was not just writing about the feeding times I got into the things that he was doing. When he was about 3, his sister came along and I just added her into the story.

Around our house it is called, the book of Ethan. I ended up with 3 huge binders full of writing. In a move, one of the volumes was lost. Still I have the other 2, which makes it fun to look back at. Both for me to read and for them to read on their own. Now they are both adults and starting to have kids of their own.

I don't know why I went on and on about this. I should have put it in a posting to Peachy, since she has a little one coming along. Guess I just wanted to reinforce what Aim said about writing. It does sound like it is some theraputic for you, and certainly encourage you to keep it up.

After a while it is nice to go back, and sometimes be amazed at what you went through at different spots in your life. In my "book of Ethan" it kind of morphed to be the book of him, his sister, but also what was happening in my life. Sometimes is difficult to read, to know that I was going through such a tough time in my life. Also made me proud, that I didn't let the depression win. I have fought it long, and hard. I am 51 now, and intend on living another 51.

Great story, Monty! I think it is important that we have a way of looking back at our lives, and learning from it. Writing happens to be a great way to make that happen.

Mecca,

What a beautiful hug.

I agree with Monty, Mecca - where do you get these fabulous toys!

Lady

I second Amy's question. Where do you get those? Are there any gold stars?

A5