I stumbled on notes I had written five years ago — I used and still do write my emotions since I have no one to share them with sincerely — on a personal level. I still have hard time feeling connected to ppl even if I talk about personal issues I went through it just doesn’t mean anything to me. As along as they feel better by feeling close to me I guess it’s fine? To this day I don’t know or want to know. I trust no one and even if I do I don’t I feel alienated from myself and others.
Now looking back objectively as my 21 year old self, I get it why she isolated herself but they never showed any interest in her beside criticisms and malicious comments about her existence, or for the mere fact that she was who she was
She asked for forgiveness 4 years later to Ya Rab, and she is forever thankful. She loves her parents she wishes them well at any given time, but she has been through a lot, didn't she?
I get it why she resorted to such actions or ppl because that was the only way she will feel like someone will care enough.
The lack of love and attention from her own family brought her misery in such ways that she almost feels like Allah (swt) still kept her alive bc only Him knew that she will get through those obstacles, it will take time but it will happen.
Such psychological abuse with her lack of self-esteem it was almost impossible to find comfort in which she was supposed to rely on in time of need or to speak her mind off.
Every day felt like a battle to justify her actions or thoughts to them, until at some point she decided to just give up no matter how hard she tried it feel pointless.
“Talking to a wall” never feels real until she experienced it she felt alone, lonely, lost and angry. And through that very last emotion she decided to lash out on anyone or anything — just to feel something back to be heard or feeling like she matters too she was worth it she belonged with them as family.
She even tried to change her whole self be it her personality or attitude in vain but no matter what she wasn’t enough. She even cried but no one asked to know or glanced her way.
She was extremely lonely, alone, lost and sad. And through that very last emotion she cried rivers again and again until she was strong enough to stand up alone and became the one who got away. The one who can feel attached to someone but discard them regardless.
Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.
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