I am new here and I want to get some things out of my chest so I am going to write a few things about me.
I've been struggling with depression, eating disorders, self harm, anxiety and I am suicidal for 5 years so far(obviously even more but it has been five years when I was first diagnosed), I've changed many psychiatrists and took a variety of pills but I am still stuck.
I haven't talked with my father for three years now (He was an abusive person mentally and physically, he never showed love and he is one of the main reasons why I turned out this way, don't get me wrong I don't blame him for everything I also played a big role to make myself like this... Growing up I would see all those happy families and always wondered why can't my family be like this too. I really want to get in touch with my father again and I know that he won't change and that's what hurts me so much but still I will always love him and miss him and I want to see him but I am also very afraid of him, he is the one I fear the most even though I still love him so much despite what he did so I really don't know what to do).
My relationship with my mom is also even more complicated. She will always abuse me mentally and then portrait herself to be the victim so I always end up feeling guilty for things that I shouldn't be. We can't even have a basic small conversation we will always end up arguing. I know she loves me , although she shows it with the wrong ways and I love her too but things have gotten so complicated that I've given up the idea to try and fix our relationship.
I don't have any friends at all and I don't want to sound dramatic but I really don't have even one friend at least. I try to be friends with people but I always end up with people who walk over me because I am a people pleaser and even though I know that they hurt me because I am so afraid of people leaving me. Every relationship feels like work to me so I cut ties with the "friends" I had If you can call them that I've never considered anyone my actual friend. Even if the people I like, when I think about it they all have things that make me not like them and uncomfortable, there hasn't been a person that I truly liked and I don't think that it will be.
I have this one person though my uncle( my mother's brother)he is my friend, both my dad and mom, he is my everything. He is the only one who understands me almost to the fullest and I say almost because sometimes I don't even understand my own self, no matter what I do he will always accept me and not judge me he is the only one by my side. He has helped me more than any therapist. I really won't be able to live when he dies and I mean it. Simple words can't describe my love for him and how much of a kind and wonderful person that he is. I am really grateful to have him in my life.
Apart from my uncle the only things that are keeping me alive is music and my cat I know it sounds silly but it is true. I don't know how much longer I can keep on going and I also don't know If I truly want help. There a lot of other things about me that I want to say but I am not going to write all of them because it will turn out boring for those who will read this.
I don't really expect anyone to read all of this but if you did I want you to know that I am really grateful that you actually spend the time to listen to my story. I truly hope that all of you who are struggling will get better some day...I find comfort sometimes when I see that I am not alone and that other people go through similar struggles or even worse. I really wanna hope that it will get better someday...
Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.
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Many times we don't know if we want help but sharing our stories is a step of overcoming that we must applaud, it's hard to hear what you've been through but seeing you here is something that shows you have the courage to face it and that's a lot, I hope your situation improves and you can show what you are capable of, remember, you are important and if you want to talk about how you feel in me you have someone who will listen to you no matter when :)
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