It's not you, it's me.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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musifoil
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 5:06 pm

It's not you, it's me.

Postby musifoil » Thu Jan 05, 2023 5:47 pm

I'm 55 years old. I've been fighting the same battle for more than thirty years. I'm seen by everyone as the quiet one, always depressed yet somehow always looking for the best in everything, the real one, kind and gentle, intelligent and caring and yet somehow unable to function normally. I'm called sensitive, I'm told I have a poet's soul, that I would have flourished in an earlier time. None of that is the whole me.

There's another me, one that only those closest to me ever see. That me is angry terrified and constantly on guard. That me comes without warning, and that never ends well. It comes quickly, and while it never gets physically violent, it is monstrous and out of control and deadly. Its appearance is never random, it's always when I feel threatened. It has destroyed three marriages, two of which I regret losing.

I've been at this thirty years. Meditation, medication, CBT, DBT, EMDR, Freud, Jung, Buddha, Jesus, art therapy, music therapy, progressive relaxation, I've tried everything. THe thing won't die, it won't leave. THerapy hasn't worked. Medication hasn't worked. GOd hasn
t helped, despite my pleading and begging and praying.

I'm at the point that I know what I am, an abusive monster, when the rage takes over, but I don't know how to keep it from taking over, because there are no warning signs in most cases. It gets triggered and goes off. THere's no time for deep breathing or questioning my intentions. THere's only the thing.

I'm at the point that I think it will never change, and so I will forever be an unfit partner, because this thing keeps rearing its fangs to my partners, while no one else ever sees the faintest hit of it.

I'm here looking for hope. Because I am at the point at which I would rather be dead than be what I am. Two people who loved me deeply are terrified of me, though I've never raised a hand to either of them. I am terrified of me, though I never will never strike first, or at all except to defend myself or my family. THe things that come out of my mouth when it has control are cruel, meant to cause harm and destroy.

I'm here because I'm not suicidal, but I am at the end of what I can handle. If this thing cannot be stopped, it will keep me from ever having the life I've been working for. If I come to believe that there is truly no hope of a normal life, I do not want life anymore.

I'm here asking that someone give me something, some technique, some way to know that I can be fixed, that I won't be forever damned because of this thing I can't control.

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: It's not you, it's me.

Postby Tealeaves » Fri Jan 06, 2023 10:04 am

Hi,
Normally, when I'm feeling well, I can read between the lines...in a way most cannot. Today, I'm not feeling well...i guess you could say, my monster showed it's teeth last night.
Anyfoo, I'm contacting you because, if I can help, then I would like to.
I've been working on a mental health theory of my own. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong...maybe I'll say all the wrong things...but, I'll never know until I try.
Let me know if you are interested.


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