I don't know

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Tue Jan 17, 2023 1:22 pm

Sorry that last part that said not posted wasn't actually supposed to be part of that message but I'll go ahead and leave it one I can't erase it lol
But two just in case, I'd rather have all the information than not.

When you said that you were basically a parent to your sister and then later changed it to it more so seemed like that to you... it did change some things.

And just in case you're thinking it, no I don't think you lied to me( I'm only saying that because some people would think that so I got to cover all my bases)
You remember the past the way you remember it... sometimes we think a little bit longer on something and we come up with a little bit of a different story.
And actually based upon how you somewhat explained your parents as being kind of lapsidasical maybe just not the really responsible type, shows where you had to pick up that slack. Which depending upon how much that was how lapsidasical your parents can be or, were... could be a cause for your depression simply because your brain had to operate in a way that it really wasn't supposed to. Not just as a parent but because your brain had to spend so much more time being the responsible The Thinker the la la side of you wasn't able to be... at least as much as it was supposed to be. Sorry I might be confusing you I apologize. This message I'm typing actually online which always makes me kind of Jumpy and nervous... I don't like the internet haha but eh, stuck with it. Oh well.

Anyway all I want to say on that part was I think I've got a little bit more clear of a picture of your parents, actually it's a little bit kind of the parent I used to be... yes believe it or not I wasn't the greatest parent to my older children. Sadly we just don't always see our mistakes until much later ...some of us never. I'm one of the lucky ones, I get to see my mistakes... every time I look in the mirror no I'm kidding that's it's not that bad but it is tough to face the man in the mirror. Your parents may very well find that out as well one day and again they may not. Anyway I'm going to take anymore of your time since this is just me rambling and not actually giving you useful information. Peace ✌(oh I need a nap)

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Fri Jan 20, 2023 9:54 am

I'm sorry for replying a bit late, I didn't even see the last message... Now I'm not gonna write much cause I really don't feel up to it so this may be all over the place, I hope you understand.

I've told my parents countless times last summer that I need to get checked out because I feel like I won't be able to face what's to come (college, adult life, responsibilities and all that jazz) but they kind of think I'm joking or saying it just cause because the answer is "Why would you need that?". Do not get me wrong, what they did and how they acted, they were young, they did what they thought was best as parents, the trauma they gave me is involuntary because had their own stuff to deal with growing up. I'm well aware of that, that explains a lot of things, but does not excuse certain things that you shouldn't say or do to a child. May be immature of me but I simply can't get over some stuff. Adding to that stuff that happened at school and socially and all that, we get to today and how I am now.

Regarding my homework, I don't think I have more than 20 pictures with me as a child. 2 baby photos and the rest are mostly from kindergarten or school. And if you ask me to recall...you're right, I can't remember a single thing. I don't think I want to, anyway.

And yes, the house I've lived in is old. Very old wiring, had to get it fixed. Growing up I wasn't around technology much, being the first born I had my phone much later than my siblings. And now I am basically living with technology cause of college and it keeps my brain focusing on other stuff rather than my brain.

I don't know if I've said this before but I have good memories with my parents. Few and far between but I do. What also happened is that I grew up. What I once knew changed a lot mainly because I started understanding a lot more. A lot of things also changed, family conflicts, arguments, lots of stuff and I am not good with change. I can't handle it very well, it makes me really anxious because I don't know what's going to happen and I don't have the same comfort and control over the situation, although it's mainly things I have no control over. And another thing, my parents are now trying. Their relationship is much better, they are giving my sisters what they couldn't give me, they are open minded and basically the type of parents our friends wish they had (or at least that's what I'm told). Same about my grandparents. But they don't know what's happening behind the curtains. Every hurtful words they said, the pure joy of making fun of me, the lack of trust even though I haven't done anything worth of being treated like that. I don't smoke, don't drink, I haven't gone to a party in years and they kept saying whatever came to their minds because they knew it would hurt. And now that I know that you shouldn't do that to a child and that I tell them I need professional help I get "What did we ever do to you?".... what did we ever do to you.... Like I said, they try, and I love them, but I don't like my family very much. Not at all, actually. I'm beating myself over it and I feel so guilty I just want to crawl into my own skin and just not be anymore because I know I shouldn't feel that toward my own family and but it's late and they're better off without me anyway. They're used to me, yes, but time heals, right? They'll eventually forget how it is when I'm there and it'll be easier for everyone.

I'm sorry for venting...I'm not in a good place right now, I don't even know if even answered what you asked me to.

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Sun Jan 22, 2023 1:03 pm

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Oh bears, my poor sweet bears...the confusion and the hurt, I can hear it in your words. Forgive me for being so personable but, I guess it's just the mom in me and I do care about you. I think about you often.

You're fine, I too have been caught up in some stuff. I wont bore you with too many details ...I've been lonely for many years but, I met someone on here. It's only temporary and, we are just friends but he's reminded me what it's like to sit on a cloud once in awhile.

So I think I have a better idea of your parents and, I think I get it.

One morning, earlier this week, my young autistic son was dragging his feet, while getting ready for school. I already had a tiny little headache starting so it was more aggravating than usual. Because of his actions, he missed his bus and wasn't able to give his bus driver a sticker he wanted to give to her. ( It was a football sticker for this weekend's game ... a big thing around here)
I turned around and, sat my son on the steps to give him a talking too.
I was upset my voice was raised But I kept Myself calm and in line.
One of my older sons, whom was laying in bed but awake by now, started yelling at me. He claimed that I was not calm and not in line. I started to argue but then stopped. ( Something I never would have done before) Luckily it was just a school half day anyway so I decided, that's it I'm keeping my son home. I went back upstairs and went back to bed. (Headache had gotten worse)
Short while later, my older son came in.
(See if this is familiar, bears)
I can't remember the words that were said verbatim but basically, He apologized for yelling at me, Then he added When I heard you talking to him like that It's just reminded me of how you used to talk to us.
I know I did my head and apologize and agreed with them you're completely right And I apologize because that is not the way that I should have treated you. Whereas I am doing better with your younger brother, I understand how those wrongs still hurt you.

Oh bears What a selfish mommy I was I was focused on what I thought it was important. True I had my depression but That didn't become an issue until they were A bit older. When they were little I doomed and gloomed them when they made mistakes. Because they had dropped a $10 item and broken it... I yelled and carried on like it was the end of the world. I constantly let my emotions get the better of me. I had been hurt and wronged by others ...well If I was going to hurt then somebody else was going to hurt too... foolishly/sadly, my children were the ones that ended up being my victims.
My daughter being older than her brothers, ended up in the same situation as you, Helping to take care of her brothers. Whether it was because I was in school or I was doing homework Or in the later years when my depression was the issue My daughter oftentimes was expected to help.
Here's why it was okay in my mind and why it may also be okay in your parents' mind as well. Haven't we all been told Family helps each other? There's all kinds of little phrases that I could use... But basically they all mean the same thing. That there is nothing wrong The children being expected to be a part of the work... years ago that's just how it was.
Now that reasoning is actually good however, The problem was I; like I'm assuming your parents; took it a little too far. 
We do tend to do that when we're in balanced... Like we have the right intentions but we just go a little too far.
Same as a lot of parents have the right intentions when they're giving their children a talking to but... Oftentimes we go a little too far.

Honestly, the child stops listening after the first few words... But for whatever reason, as parents we need to keep talking... As if repeating ourself is finally going to make sense to a child ...lol nope.

I can explain why that is but I think you get it.

Oh bears I could give you so many examples and you'd probably be like yeah that sounds familiar or, Maybe not. But trust me when I say it's a fault that a lot of us parents have these days and there's a reason for that and I can explain that too But only if you want me to.

Think if it kind of like this, You know how the Japanese are a kind of rigid and ordered people( Forgive me if I get anything incorrect here or if I offend)
And yet ...They also have some very childish habits. Like if you watch videos on YouTube Especially the females they tend to be like little girls and cartoons is a big thing like the anime and so forth.
One extreme equals another. And actually not to be assuming anything but I believe there's an imbalance. I'm not sure what started it but I know something that's kept that flame going... Well how would you feel if you had to get rid of children because they weren't the acceptable gender? I mean imagine those parents together they carry that child for 9 months( Yes I know a woman does it but I think it's a group effort) So when that child's born we just Do away with it No big deal... Yeah I don't think so... The psychological issue with that yeah I don't think It's that easy.

Anyway, I also can relate to the comment that you made about your friends liking your parents and wishing they were theirs.
I can't tell you how many times that my older children's friends would say you're so awesome And then look at my son or daughter and say your mom is awesome. Many times they'd come to hang out at the house and instead of hanging out in the kids room they come and hang out and whatever room I'm in... Because I was just so awesome... Ha who would have thought such a horrible mommy Would be such an awesome person...
Well The truth is I actually am an awesome person and was back then too... But imbalances can change us. Like I said before we're meant to be in balance We're supposed to go back and forth all day long And as long as that imbalance resets then okay but... If it gets stuck so are we. And now for as much as we know we are who we are... at the same time we don't feel like we really are.

And the reason that your parents can't see it even today But they sweep it under the carpet Even when you might point out a particular thing... They are functionalizing, What is right here right now as you said they're pretty good parents now So that's all that they're seeing What is right here right now.
In order to see what you're saying They'd have to look back at a different time in the past and even then they might not see what you're saying because what they were dealing with then... that Is what makes sense to them. You know like if they yelled at you one day for some reason... Well they had just lost their job and that's why they were so upset... So yeah they were angry and they accidentally took it out on you but you were just a kid it's not like you were bothered by it that much.

But we know the truth bears, You were bothered by it.

They think because you went in your room and played with your toys as if nothing had happened... that you weren't bothered... and that you went to school and you did well in school just like any parent would want their child to do...so obviously you weren't bothered.
Clearly a child That was disturbed or bothered in some way... Well it would show And their school studies and their home life... They'd run away they would do drugs they'd be promiscuous they'd...
You see why your parents think there's nothing wrong with you and that they did nothing wrong to you?

They see what they see, a wonderful intelligent child that turned out just fine look at you you're in school and everything.
They don't understand there's a truth that they've never seen lying beneath All that 'perfection'.

It won't be easy to get them to see it either At this point It's only you.

You're a grown adult now. You can go see a doctor All on your own. If for some reason you can't maybe because you're on their insurance still and they have to have approval from your parents for some reason... Well then I suppose that changes things but it does not change the fact that you need help.
You're correct You are making the correct decision by saying that you need to go seek professional help.

I mean don't give me wrong I have enjoyed helping you... Well if I have helped you I have enjoyed at least trying. Cuz even if I haven't been able to help you just a simple fact that someone hears you someone can hear your tears... That can mean a lot to a person. And I do bears, Oh I do. I hear them in my own dreams.

And I don't know if you know this but this website has a chat room on here... plenty of people quite a few of them having the same shoes that you have on... well not literally but I think you know what I mean. :)

Till next time bears take some time for yourself it's not easy what you're going through and, remember you're strong. If you need a few days take it I'm here whenever I've really gotten used to the chat room lol I'm just a little old lady sitting on the front porch sipping my tea talking to all the young-uns lol



Just some extra thoughts, no biggie

It's like your mind turning round and round in circles.
It says I know the whom I am is not quite right... then it turns in the other direction it says but I don't remember whom I once was.


(Steps that your parents would have to take in order to recall the memories that you are asking them to remember. )

They would have to functionally listen, emotionally what if functionally recall the memory emotionally be effected by the memory and then functionally know the truth...remember the truth

And believe it or not it just has to be done in just the right order for it to be done correctly.
Just like when you're making a cake like one of those cakes you do the dry ingredients separately from the liquid ingredients... or any recipe that involves complex direction...the brain works the same way. One small error, 1° difference in the oven...can cause a culinary catastrophe.





Just some thoughts, No big deal.


Growing up, who gave you step one, step two?

Death is just as important as life.
For as much as part of your brain is excited about living finishing school having a family of your own another part of your brain; the part that can't help focusing on the ugly of the world so to speak; is saying why should I?
---------------------------------------------
So one of the issues the world is facing is that there are so many options...too many options.
One more face with decisions that are difficult to make we need to have the ability to roll with it or we also need to have the ability to zero want in on like one thing to make sense of it problem is there's too many things

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Sun Jan 22, 2023 1:05 pm

Also I forgot along with the take your time there's no rush or anything got a whole life ahead of you I also wanted to say don't worry about your messages being short. Lol I'm the one who gets lost writing long messages LOL you don't have to be :)

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Tue Jan 24, 2023 3:28 pm

Hello!

For starters, you really did help. If only my parents would make the effort to understand....but I realized now that actually, I don't really know if I want them to understand. I mean...there is no reason for them to. As long as I can get out of school in one piece and secure something for myself, I don't mind them not knowing. My mom saw me having panic attacks three times. She doesn't know anything about the others, or the fact that I don't eat much because I've never been a girl to eat much anyway, she doesn't know about anything really. Only what I want her to know. I feel kind of guilty, but at the same time I don't care too much... I know it's wrong to say that but, I really don't feel a thing sometimes in regards to them.

I feel bad for not being able to let go of the past and everything that's happened to me. I feel bad for being so extreme at times and lashing out or not speaking at all. I am currently in the living room, as per my roommates' request because they said I've been locking myself in the room too much (which is true because that's how I cope and because I don't want to lash out at them) and I feel nothing at all. Except irritation and annoyance and anger at times. Why? I don't know. I haven't gotten out in a week, today was the day I finally went to buy something because I do have to eat, and I went out and remembered why I stay in. The world feels like there's too much going on. It's noisy and loud and it's too bright and I can't stand all the people around me.

Got my results for an exam. I'm pissed because it's not what I'm used to, but it's ok given that I lack any type of studying or interest. There is again that feeling of "I don't see myself in the future anyway". And I don't know why I'm still trying. I don't particularly like anything and what I do like and talk about to people seems to be so freaking annoying. Am I that annoying that I get that look of just....pure "Why are you talking again?"? I am on autopilot most of the time, mostly I feel like I'm leaving in a dream and everything gets blurred together and is a big mess.

You know what's worse? I used to have this deep burning passion of so many things. I was reading day in and day out, I was discovering new music and cried because it felt so good and deep, I watched movies and cartoons and good shows because all of this made me feel like we as humans were able to create such beautiful things. I loved painting and drawing and I used to do it too. I wanted to become a lawyer to help people but gave up on that when I realised I don't have the patience or heart to face such horrible things and be ok. I wanted to become an archeologist and explore the world because I held such love for the ancient civilizations of the world, I wanted to learn to speak so many languages and to play an instrument and to travel and do so much in such a short life. I want to write, for a living if that's possible. I'm not looking for recognition or validation, I just want to create so someone can find some comfort somewhere. I have so many ideas lined up. I even have the opportunity to do so, just write and send an email to my uni's magazine. But the only time I do write is when I'm miserable, like now, and then I hate it and delete everything without letting it see the light of day. I don't know what happened on the way. I can't read because I can't focus, I zone out when I watch movies, the only music I listen is the one that brings me comfort when I cry, I'm studying languages but i've given up on trying to actually study....AND THAT'S THE THING! I loved studying so much. I loved learning so much and something clicked and it's ruined. Every piece of me that wanted to know so much, to develop and be something, be everything at once just seems to have died. And I can't bear it. I can't look at myself in the mirror, at my parents and tell them that I seem to have lost every part of myself....

I saw myself having children, getting married, how much I used to dream about that. Now I can't stand the thought of marriage or of something coming out of me into this pitiful world. I don't want there to be a chance of me creating something as miserable as myself. I have no wish of making a family. At the moment, I have no wish to live.

I wish I could say I want something now. Something from life, from me... there's a part that wants to keep going, to do something, I have yelled at myself so many times to get up and start doing something. Draw, write, crochet, clean, take care of my plants, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, yet I barely wash myself. That's what I hate too.... I don't even have the strength to take care of my own being...

My friend asks me if I'm ok, says that I can tell him what's going on. Can I? When I don't know what's even happening to me. And I'll get the "You shouldn't think like that. It hurts the people around you so much, try and calm down and....bla bla bla". He's so innocent that I feel bad I'm still clinging onto his friendship like that.

Remember that friend I told you about? The one that talks to me when she needs someone to talk to. Yesterday she got angry at me because I wouldn't talk bad about some girls appearance, some girl who did I don't know what. And I say I wouldn't, because that's something she has no control over. Why would I do that when I know that I'd feel hurt if someone did that to me. She got mad and didn't talk to me anymore. I feel like I'm clinging onto something that has died so long ago. If I tell her we should cut off whatever we have, she'll demand an explanation. How do I tell her that talking like that about someone, being constantly so jealous to the point you drain yourself out and all this obsession over things that didn't even happen is draining. She says she loves me for my honesty but if I told her that every relationship of hers has failed because she was so insecure and afraid and refused to listen and communicate she'd get mad and say so many hurtful things because "she knows who she is and she is so much better than anyone, she put in so much work, she's been through so much...". She has and I understand that, and confidence is a good thing to have, but I can't stand that anymore. All we talk about is her and her boyfriends and her goddamn issues because he did something when he actually didn't. It's not my place to judge her and I feel so bad for treating her like this, but i opened up to her one time, ONE TIME, and she ghosted me and came back when her world got turned upside down again. I don't mind helping her, I don't mind talking to her, but I'm not enjoying our friendship, I'm just solving her problems. I'm done.

And let me tell you something. Seeing your messages and seeing that you put thought into this and read every part and try to give me a reasonable explanation matters so much to me. Maybe it's foolish but I'm the type of person to have a wonderful day if the cashier smiles at me or if I see a happy child on the street. And I'm glad to see that. Today one of my neighbours was playing outside with his child and he came and opened the door for me because I was carrying something heavy. That made me feel so happy. The taxi driver told me about his high school years in this town, that made me smile so much my jaw hurt. And I get the same feelings when I see you wrote something on here. I'm not comfortable with chat rooms because my walls go up and I become someone I don't know, but I enjoy writing here. I don't need an answer, I never did really, I just needed someone to listen and understand my pain or whatever this is. But you answered and you tried and you made me feel listened to and I'm so grateful for that.

I miss being a child who helped her friend when she got a haircut she didn't like, I miss hugging my dog in the orchard and eating apples with her, I miss taking care of baby chicks, I miss being carried on my father's shoulders on festival nights, I miss making friendship bracelets and having a restful sleep, I miss being affectionate without getting weird looks because I'm a grown woman now. Like hell I am, I am a freaking child who has no idea how I should function in this hell.

I'm dramatising a lot and my language may be weird but I'm a humanities student after all.

I'll finish here, I vented enough. You really don't have to answer to me, this was prompted mostly by that last thing you wrote about having too many options. We really do have too many...and no one cares to land a helping hand to a clueless child, but oh well...life goes on. And if it doesn't, that's that. Death is a part of life, like you said. Fun fact actually, I've never been scared of death. I find it peaceful and mysterious. Mesmerizing even. I've always been curious, but now even that seems to leave me...

Well, I keep talking. I think I'll keep writing here, it feels like some kind of journal. Maybe I should keep one of those. I tried before but it's so weird, I keep overthinking it. Anyway, til next time.

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Wed Jan 25, 2023 10:23 am

Well, I "resolved" the issue with that friend. Meaning that she sees nothing wrong with our situation. That's good, I think. I don't know. I'm questioning myself a lot these days, I don't seem to have the right approach to anything. My head's all jumbled up... Why don't I just disappear?...

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Wed Jan 25, 2023 4:28 pm

Why does this hurt so much? I've been studying so much for the past 12 years, I've had such good grades, almost perfect by the time I finished high school. I tried so so much and now I can't stand the thought of actually trying and that leads to me getting mediocre grades in college and I realised that nobody cares about it. And basically I worked so hard for absolutely nothing. I was dragged in every possible direction and now...nobody cares. And I know it's my job to care because, after all, I'm doing this for myself not for someone else. But i've never wanted anything to begin with. I imagine the disappointment in some important people's eyes (important people for me)...I can't stand it. All for nothing. It scares me that I'm actually forcing myself to feel some type of way because to be honest I feel nothing and it really really frightens me...

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Fri Jan 27, 2023 12:51 pm

Oh my dearest bears... it's true, sadly; especially when we become adults; we are often left cleaning up other people's messes... That they left...in our spaces.
Tis life.
It's difficult to get people to see something, because our mind likes to argue. For example you said your mom saw you have a panic attack three times and you would think you would think that that would be a huge indicator that there is something wrong...and yet... your mom's mind was probably arguing/debating etc., that you're just being over dramatic, you've been under a lot of stress, school is a tough time... hey yeah that's it, school did this to you.
In fact if she said anything to you about it she probably said
"you need to take a rest, I think you're studying too hard."

Which of course you want to look at her and start screaming and saying "woman do you not see what's happening? it's not school, it's what happened before school!"

"To which she would probably reply "why... because you didn't eat breakfast...we'll that's your own fault."

(Sigh)
So you give up, so you don't say anything at all. And of course that doesn't make sense. How does a child look at their mom and say "Mom, I'm in pain" and Mom say "well that's your fault."

I'm sorry bears.
Unfortunately that is functionalizing, probably over-functionalizing, because seeing is believing.

When someone says they're sick the people around them have a choice...to either believe them or, not.
Indicators help...un-fakeable ones.
If you start throwing up... yeah they kind of believe you now, don't they?
That's why a lot of people look at depression and say it's not illness because there are no indicators that can't be faked.
Well perhaps if you go to the doctors and have blood tests or whatever done that actually show the chemical levels in your body are off... that might be an indicator but nobody's running to the doctors every time they get depression... or every time they have to prove to someone that they have depression.

So that's what's going on with your mom in the particular instance with the panic attacks. Sadly, there are no indicators. There is no little magic meter that appeared above your head that said, warning warning warning. Which then means your mom's mind, has to look at the facts of the situation. Which is again the functional side because that's where facts are and also what is right here right now today when you're having this panic attack those facts are what matter not past facts. The functional side is about what is right here right now, not what if.

Which is why she might make a comment about your panic attacks being because school stress or because you didn't eat breakfast that morning. ( I know you said that eating thing, wasn't a thing for you but I'm just using it as an example of something that your mother, could, have said)

So in order to communicate with the functional side to get it to not just hear...your words but... listen, you have to use its language.
I'm not sure if you're familiar with one of my other posts where I talk about my fear of big water. Long story short ...I can't go into deep water. I know how to swim but, even as an adult, I freak out and forget how to swim.
Hmm, why?
Well I asked myself one day, why.
A memory played in my head. Over the years, I've recalled that memory several times but that day it played differently. When I was a little girl I almost drowned. The experience didn't really phase me because I got up brushed myself off and went back to the water later. But somehow it must have. Like a tiny little Thorn In My Head now.
Fast forward, So the reason why big me can't get in water... the real answer is because I don't know how to swim even though I actually do. Because what is... in that memory... that day I did not know how to swim so my mind is stuck with that fact.
Now how to change that? Again you want to change something functionally you got to speak its language and you've got to give it a reason, a real reason that makes sense to it...not you... 'it' ...to change it.
Sadly I haven't really put this to the test but some ideas that I came up with...
so what if I took a swimming class, where I get a certificate at the end...something my eyes can see, which now my brain can see.
Or hey maybe I could just cut out the middle man and just have an official looking document made up saying that I know how to swim because I actually do. I have to wonder if just looking at that document, would fix it.
Here's the funny thing, want to know the truth? I think, just realizing/ seeing the real memory and realizing why there was a thorn stuck and then, unsticking it... I think that was enough for me. I think I'm 'cured.' But alas I will not know until I actually test it.

Anyway back to you the reason I even say that about trying to find a way, to get your parents to see the truth... is because you do Care Bears.
You very much so care about your parents and want them to be a part of everything in your life with the exception of privacy stuff ..you know. You want them to share your Joys and your pain. Which is one of the reasons why it hurts so much.

Here's why you think you don't care.
( I'm weird but for some reason my brain wants to imagine the inside of a submarine ...don't ask lol)

Warning warning warning, these feelings are going to create sadness in us and, since we can't make sense of them, they're going to mess with us!
Well until we figure it out that part, our brain is going to go on pause. (Depression etc.)
Sir are you sure?
Yes soldier, It's the only way we can detach... and not feel the hurt.

(Oh forgive me bears, I have my moments.)

So like an overprotective parent inside your head, to protect you from your, outside your head parents (wow that sounds kind of weird)
Your brain is going to sink into an even deeper depression. You may not notice it at first but, some of the signs will be detaching from other people in your life, detaching from other things in your life that were important before and suddenly...just not(without reason, real reason, not fake facts... meaning your brain will use maybe even an opinion but it will use it like it's a fact. Meaning for example I think at one point you said you have some stuffed animals forgive me I've talked to a lot of people. You might just decide you're going to get rid of them. And why because they just don't fit with your decor... need stuffed animals you've had since childhood that you brought into your adulthood because they meant that much to you you're just going to get rid of them...hmm... be careful of fake facts).
You will not be open to new friendships or relationships, you will become very guarded...untrusting.

( one of the reasons why it's going to be such a heavy thing on you is because your parents are part of your core. Think it like a Jenga tower in your head. There are pieces that you can place and replace no big deal. There are pieces that a little bit more difficult to deal with but they can be dealt with they can be changed or removed but... then there are the pieces that are the very Foundation stabilizers of the Tower. Your parents are part of that. which is why...what they're doing... is affecting you or will affect you as much as it does or will. )

So now what?
So there are two things that you can do.
1.You have to make sense of this inside your own head as to why your parents are being the way they are towards you. (Functional, accepting the what is... but doing it correctly)

2.Or you have to change things. (Emotional, is the side that we 'what if' to change things... then it switches back to the functional to actually change things.

1. (Explanation)
Notice how I keep explaining your parents' behavior and even defending it in some ways. Well when I do that because I totally understand I myself can relate to them. But... actually it's mostly been for you. You see by understanding why something is broken... being able to take it apart and look at it. You can actually see...that it is broken or, how it broke... and if it can't be fixed maybe there's a way you could Jerry rig something or maybe just fix it...who knows. The idea is that when we can see 'why'... then we can possibly make sense of it.

If you went to your parents doctor and the doctor said, you don't know this bears but years ago your parents were in a accident before they had children. We were able to save them and they've recovered miraculously but there is a part of their minds... that's actually missing.
The part that's missing...handles responsibility. Now the mind is adaptable so in time... a lot of time, their mind's can relearn responsibility but it will take a long time and, a lot of mistakes.
All the sudden the hurt makes a little more sense doesn't it. In fact now you're kind of hurting for them.

( I'm truly not at all saying this is the case just an example lol I'm sorry I know I have horrible examples)

The idea is as long as you can find some way to make sense to your brain (again not to you, but to your brain) as to why your parents are being the way that they are... then you will not have to detach quite that same way. You might still detach but it'll be more of like... how to put this... like an independence. You know it's kind of a natural normal thing children do grow beyond their parents. They become adults and then they become parents themselves... circle of life.

2. (Explanation)
But if you're like me and you're just kind of a sucker for your parents (eye roll) then you just don't want to give up on those old fogies lol

( by the way this is also a way of claiming Independence simply because, just the knowledge alone has helped you grow Beyond your circumstances with them)
( it's also helpful in case plan to doesn't work you can still say okay I did what I could now I just got to accept and move on, in a good way)

So #2. Remember how I needed something functional to see in order to deal with my issues with deep water/big water, well seeing is believing and that's one language the functional side really recognizes

( until you get into the options of photoshopping and deep faking yeah those are going to be real problems for the functional)

But for now we'll maybe try this.
Write them a letter. Nope not an email it cannot be digital it has to be something that they can see and touch and hold it has to be something that they can see your handwriting on it has to be something that they can emotionally connect with and functionally see.
It can't be something that can be just erased... you know like your feelings.
You are essentially making your feelings real. This helps you because you can't detach as easily from something that you know is real. Now...your pain...your need... it's in black and white, on paper.
( or whatever color pen/pencil, you use)
In a letter you need to address that you care for them did you understand life can get tough and sometimes decisions are made that at the time seem good but we later find out maybe not so good.

( kind of butter them up, you're going to get their attention, they're going to want to keep reading cuz... ooh you're talking about how great a parent they were... I'm afraid to say it's tricking them by giving them a false sense of security but sometimes that's the only way you can get into someone's head)

Just don't go overboard they'll get bored...(lol get it overboard/ bored)
You need to remember as many pains, hurts, whatever's... as you can. Write them on a separate piece of paper then pick out a few... to put on your parents paper.

You don't want to bombard them with guilt. As you said, they weren't the worst parents in the world... they're just kind of blind to what really was, back then.

Explain to them that because of this you have like little tiny thorns in your head and they hurt and they're messing with you.

Key thing do not overemotionalize. Emotionalize connect with them but don't try to overconnect... they won't take you seriously. Stay as functional as you can meaning Say What You Need to Say. On a third separate piece of paper write down a list of what needs to be said then add in parentheses little ways to emotionalize if you need to. But stay focused on what needs to be said.
Even when you're talking about hurt and pain don't over-emotionalize. Use simple and direct statements. When you talk about your hurt and your pain simply say it caused me pain... or...when you did that it hurt me.
( reason for this is because you want them to take you serious which is the functional side if you over emotionalize by saying ow and it was pain and it hurt and la la la la... 1. that's too many words, you lose people after the first few words. 2 when you say hurt what value is that? Hurt how to what degree give me a number.
Kind of like when you go to the hospital and they say on a scale of 1 to 10 rate your pain... how many people can really do that? So simply put it will distract their brain in the wrong way ....so keep it simple.

Keep the whole letter simple. Don't go on, page after page. Use one side maybe a little of the other but don't go beyond that.

If you bombard the functional with too much information it gets overwhelmed can't handle it and then backs off, cowers into a corner starts using excuses like well I just don't have time to read this and I I just can't understand this I can't wrap my head around this right now and blah blah blah blah blah... it's funny you might actually hear them talking in a childish manner... peekaboo that's the functional side talking when it gets overwhelmed.

It also tends to get guarded and untrusting after something like that meaning if; the letter does not work ...do not try again.
If you try again...They won't believe you, they won't take you seriously... you'll feel like a fool

If your first do not get through to them you have to wait till you have some type of new functional stimulus/sensible thing.
( trying to think of some examples but I'm kinding drawing a blank)

I think my mind is starting to float to the other things I need to take care of as well my apologies Bears I got a lot to clean up... just real quick earlier the week stuff... not so great. Now I got to clean up the mess from it. (Blah) I'm okay and everything's okay just got to catch up on my work.

When you give them the letter the best way to do it is to either... mail it to them yes we do still have a postal service lol sorry but we do live in a very digital world. I sometimes walk into the post office expecting to see dust everywhere including on the people. I don't see dust but I still expect it... like an ill taken care of Museum)

Or, if you give it to them in person make sure that you're not around while they read it. Let them soak it in on their own. You standing there we'll just make their functional side keep doing what's called a reality check...
(Think of it like this
Parents are reading...read read read, YOU are there...read read read YOU'RE STILL THERE ...read read read YOU'RE WATCHING...read read YOU'RE WAITING...read re...YOU'RE JUDGING.)

See how annoying that could be?
You know like being held under a microscope and being examined. The functional side does not like that. Which is why they will...or at least possible reactions, they'll stop reading, they'll read faster without taking in the information, they'll just tell you whatever they think they need to tell you to shut you up, to make you go away because you're making their brain nervous. It's feeling like it's being attacked so it needs to get away from whatever is attacking it.
It's okay these are perfectly normal reactions to a situation like that which is why I say do not be there when they read it.
Yes it's going to haunt you and bother you not knowing what their reaction is as they read the words yes it is going to wake you up in the middle of the night yes it is going to disturb you... just simply be prepared for it.
And why is it going to do all those things to you... because my darling Bears you do care about your family you do care about your parents you do want to stay attached to them... and you do want them to attach to you.

So for as much as you are going to want an answer right here right now...(you're functionalizing)

But getting upsetter and patient (that's you over-functionalizing)

Put this statement in your head ...it may or may not help.

FACT, just like you need time to look over a serious document and to consider all the different things mentioned, in order to make a fair decision.
FACT, so do they.

You have essentially handed them a legal document... you know like the kind you get from a lawyer.
Okay so you haven't handed them a legal document but your mind needs to pretend as if it has.

It helps to remove the emotional from the situation. Gives you a sense that you've done all that you can do that's it. And the reason I say that is because for as much as you may believe that you'll get a response from them... you might not. I want you to be prepared for that. I can go into all kinds of different reasons as to why some that defend them some that do not. If you really want me to go into it I will but otherwise the most important thing is for you to be prepared to either
receive...
to not receive...
or to receive... but not like what they have to say. ( again remember our memories are not always the same as other people's) ( plus when people feel like they're being attacked, they attacked back) be prepared for a negative reaction.

Just remember, I'm here for you bears. I believe your story.


You need to give them time to think to mull it over.
You know how they say if you get upset count to 10 and then speak. Well technically that's how the functional side works it does not just react unless it needs to right then and there. The functional side is our thinking side it needs to take a moment to take all the facts in take everything in before it can feel comfortable (it's not really good word but we'll just use it) in making a decision

Sorry I think that above paragraph is a little out of order but that's okay... it's all good.

So just a quick summary for the letter:

1.)Simple to the point.

2.)Address/emotional A little, about them as parents good that they've done how tricky it can be to be a parent that kind of buttery stuff.

3.) Perhaps mentioned some of the issues that you've been having focusing on studies the depression stuff like that.
( again, keep it simple to the point)
( almost like you just list the issues don't emotionalize at all this part. Maybe even number it. But keep it simple. Focus on the main issues three or four things don't go too overboard again ...they'll feel like you're attacking... like listing someone's crimes in a courtroom

4.)the past memories, list a few, particular situations/memories... say it hurt me...or, it pained me but, don't go anything beyond that. Don't overemotionalize and say I cried and I cried for days it's just going to overwhelm and confuse and blah blah blah.

5.) This is your closing.
This is when you tell them what your plan of action is or if you would like their thoughts and would like to know that if you do seek medical help that they're behind you that they support you.

Try closing with a line something like I believe in my parents they raised me to do the right thing or you know something like that... the key is to emotionalize and it kind of functional way.
You don't put any more blame on them... showing them how change is possible for everyone...and that you care about their feelings.
Like I said get a little emotional but in a functional way, still keep it simple

By the way I suggest you do this when your sister's maybe not around she will be an influence that will not be helpful. Their first impressions of your letter must be just you. Of course you cannot control the world and things do happen but try to make sure that she's not around. Maybe if she goes out of town with some friends or something.
It's not that I think she's a bad person but again she has different memories from you in fact her memories might match your parents' idea of memories more. Which is when you come into a situation where now everybody's looking at you saying oh honey there's something wrong with you cuz you're not remembering the same thing that EVERBODY ELSE is.
So just be careful.

Gosh I get talkative lol sorry and this is not even my full response I'm just going to copy and paste this today just so you've got something to work with I still haven't finished even reading all the rest of your letter cuz I like to try and take it a little bit of time.

It's wonderful when I come up with ideas of what's going on but it's even better when my brain ...does it.
Yes I know that sounds a little crazy but I can explain it to you sometime.

For now Deary whatever you choose to do option one option two or you got a whole another plan of action... I'm here for you.
And I also want you to keep this in mind you can PM directly. Cuz I'm sure you're aware this post is public. So if you have anything private you would like to say to me... including an extra connection or contact... you can send me a message.

One last thing: earlier; I don't know if you noticed or not; I said the sentence I care about you bears... only I didn't actually word it that way say it that way... I said I care Bears.

( really now it's going to capitalize Bears as a name... Lol geez voice to text)
So when I saw that text come up I thought oh I should change that because it reads, Care Bears... like the old stuffed toy/show.
I was about to change it and then I just got a feeling like I shouldn't... like it might matter in some way to leave it that way. I'm weird and a bit silly I'm probably wrong but I just do what my mind tells me sometimes.

Anyway till I finish the rest of my reply... I'll talk to you later bears! And you're not alone.

( no literally have you seen how many people are watching this post including googlebot which I really don't know what that means yet... but wow 250 people are interested in your story. Well maybe not currently (it fluctuates) but I have proof that it was 250 plus actually.

Which means something that we're both saying back and forth to each other, means something to people out there.
Sadly enough, they're over-functionalizing... why because a part of their mind is saying, that makes sense ...I kind of want to know more...
but not enough to say, I need... to know more
It's their brain working backwards something that they actually need to do... their brain is saying no we don't need to/why should I?

I mean it's not like tea leaves could actually help me, no one's been able to help me, no one will ever be able to help me ...so (why should I) try...


Hmm, Something to think about people out there, reading this post.

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Sun Jan 29, 2023 12:11 am

Thank you again, for being so kind and so patient, also for the private message option! But I don't mind sharing on here, I actually had no idea that people were seeing this, let alone so many, maybe the help you're giving me reaches them too.

I actually read what I posted earlier and I can't believe how consumed by my own emotions I am sometimes....I can get affected by things that are so meaningless in the grand scheme of things and I can't think straight and words just pour out, no end to them...sometimes I feel like I am dramatising so much and I'm blowing things out of proportion, but I know that the me in that moment is hurt and doesn't know how to process her feelings. Gosh, sometimes I feel like I am mothering myself...

About what you said, it's funny actually, let me tell you why. I've never been one to talk, verbally expose my feelings. Not with my voice anyway. I've always been into literature so as I grew up I enjoyed the creative writing class. So I discovered writing so whenever I had something important to say, I would write little letters. Even before the class I think though, because I didn't want to see people's reactions to my feelings and all that, so i would just write notes, letters, what ever the situation called for. And I did that with my parents and my grandparents. About stuff that bothers me, not everything, I've given up on that now that I don't see them often anymore. Anyway, point is, I did the letter thingy. They acknowledged something was off. They always do, even now that I tell them, but they do the thing you said, they don't really act on it, they just do their best to comfort me. I guess now their way of doing that is to buy me stuff, because growing up we weren't that well off. Even this coping thing by buying me stuff, I always refuse or buy something inexpensive because I don't need anything, I don't want anything from them and I feel bad because I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I'm rambling, I don't honestly know where I'm going with this. It's 6 a.m. here and I haven't slept all night but I wanted to write this. Kinda like my little diary of sorts.

Anyway, I think I don't mind my parents not knowing. I mean, they try and do their best now, my sisters are doing quite well, they have the social life I didn't, they are not being pressured in any way, it's not perfect but there isn't such a thing, but they are doing very well. So I'm glad for them. It's true I feel like an outsider, I always did, with the entire family, extended and all. They are extroverted people, they like to go out and have fun, they are the life of the party, people approach them. I'm the 'shy one', the one that doesn't talk much and is always tired, the one people ask if she's ok. I hate that. I have this one cousin, we don't see each other often, he's living abroad and there's an age gap. But he seems to see right through me. He came around in August, something like that. We saw each other for the first time in years. He hugged my sisters, asked how they are, school and stuff. He hugged me (he has the best hugs by the way, so full of love and care) and he looked me in the eyes and asked "Are you ok?:... maybe I was reading into it too much, maybe I still am, but the way he looked at me and the question itself, not "How are you?" or "How have you been?", he asked me "Are you ok?". I panicked and I smiled big and said "Yeah, I'm very well" as if there's never been anything wrong. He loves my parents a lot, there's a lot of background there. I have the feeling he hates me sometimes, or at least he's tired of seeing me, even though it's very rare. I hope not, but I'm just not good with my words and I don't know how to act around him. I remembered something just now. I have these memories of my dad. He's not one for expressing feelings, he hugs me and gives a kiss on the forehead sometimes, now more than when I was younger, but whenever I said I like something, some soda or some fruit or something like that, each time he could he would buy me it. He'd come home and just hand it to me, didn't say anything just plop it in front of me. I think that's his way of telling me he cares. I feel bad for judging my parents so hard at times, I feel guilty because I know life hasn't been easy for them either, what you said helped me realise even more, and trust me I am trying so hard all the time to see it from all of the possible angles so no one feels hurt or left out but my feelings get the better of me sometimes ....but I don't know what I could've done as a child to make it better, to stop them from hurting so much that they hurt each other and they made our family live such messy times...I was helpless, I still am, even though I look so composed.

I'm fine now, when I read back the stuff I wrote I wonder why did I get so upset, I can't even remember properly, even though it's been just a few days ago. It's weird. Maybe it's because I haven't slept all night. I'm feeling talkative too. It's on nights like these that I stay and ponder everything there is in the world. And on nights like these I feel so at peace, even though everything is falling apart around me. Sometimes I relish in the chaos and disorder because I don't really know how life is without them.

You know, last year was full of events. So many things happened at once, they were all positive. In February of last year I got my Cambridge exam, passed it with almost full mark. Then, as I do every year, I competed in some contest, literature in my native language, I made nationals. Travelled across the country with a bunch of students. That ended well. I finished as valedictorian, passed all of my exams, entered college and got a scholarship too. I was so anxious the entire time. How many nightmares I had and I cried, gosh how I cried. These things felt good right after, I mean I dreaded doing them, but felt good after for about an hour. Then the headache would settle in, I'd go home and sleep, and resume my routine. No satisfaction at all. All the talent and the work people kept praising and talking about has never brought me any kind of long term satisfaction. Just a diploma, a certificate and a hazy, blurry mess of a memory. But people were happy, so why deny them.

When I say I don't know, regarding my feelings and all that, I really am at a loss. My birthday is coming up, I'm glad I'm away from home for that. I don't hate my birthday or anything, I just get so utterly depressed. I don't see the point of it, I don't know, I just really don't like it, I never did. I think I get the birthday blues or how it's called. On holidays too. I get why people don't like being around me, it still hurts though.

I remembered something I wanted to write earlier. I don't think I'll try to make my parents understand anymore. I don't have the means to get help right now, where I am, things don't work that easy, with the insurance and stuff, it's a bit more complicated, but point is, I don't have the money for it. But I'll work this summer, and before college starts I plan on searching for someone and get an opinion. I just have to power through what's to come. The only thing I hate so much about this confusion of mine si the fact that I've let myself become the people I couldn't understand. I couldn't understand why, if you have the lower to do so, you wouldn't try harder, you wouldn't push yourself and work towards better things. Well, the way I saw it, that meant perfection, still does sometimes because I keep telling people that perfection does not exist but I myself am missing the whole practice what you preach. Anyway, I digress. I couldn't understand that for the life of me, but growing up wasn't easy, pleasing the people around me was all I had but I got tired and now I can barely take care of myself, let alone work towards a nonexistent future. I plan on doing better next semester at school, I want to start working out again...I'm not sure how long that'll go for though, because even though I feel better now, that black cloud comes back at some point, it always does. And when I am so far out of my mind, I don't really know what to do. I think I said it before, but I get in this trance like state and everything seems like a dream and I enter autopilot mode and I'm done for, no more me for the day, if there is a me to begin with...

I really do ask myself what I'm doing here. I mean, I'm not actively seeking dangerous situations or attempting something to end my life, but I feel like I am in that moment where I'm just living carelessly and waiting for it to eventually happen. I know it might sound silly, but I'm at that stage where I don't check the lock anymore, I don't look before crossing the street anymore, I just go through the motions and watch. I rambled so much, I don't know if any of it will make sense...

Also, I enjoy your analogies and anecdotes. It's chaotic in the best way possible, and I enjoy reading everything you write to me. I feel listened to and the fact that you actually provide me with solutions and take your time with me matters to me a lot. I hope I'm not pressuring you in any way or you don't feel like it's useless. It really helps me see how I can resolve some of the issues I have. Most I've given up on, but I still try when I have the energy to. Again, thank you a lot!

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Sun Jan 29, 2023 12:42 pm

Oh bears bears bears bears bears bears I wish I could hug you so much right now. I just I'm so my little heart is just overwhelmed with not just sorrow and pain for you but also Pride and I'll tell you why. ( please keep in mind that I'm actually typing this on the internet just because it's a quick note type thing)

You think that you are talking too much and over sharing and over over over over everything else but.......

This is perfect... let me try that again this is PERFECT!

When I asked you to get those pictures together things like that the idea was to get you to remember who you were before. And you are doing just that. For someone like you that means you still feel...this is good. All the stuff that you're going through right now that doesn't make sense to you they're not really bathing the not looking when you cross the street all those type things that you detaching why because do you need to? This is one of my favorite things to say... because I go through the no bathing thing too.
(Do you know who Beetlejuice is? If not look him up it's cute movie. )
You can go days without bathing ...because until there's an indicator that there's something wrong... why should you? Are you expecting to go out tonight (no) and even if you did are you really that worried about what other people think about your appearance (no)
Lol ... when I go through days like that I remind myself to look down like the side of me and imagine Beetlejuice popping out of the side of me and saying "hey I'm not here cuz you're clean."
Sorry I just had to share that.

Anyway, I have a feeling this next letter that I'm going to send you the big letter... it's going to be some serious stuff because now we're getting to the truth.
No bears you're not a liar it's okay. What you did is normal, we all have a guarded side, and that protects us because we don't over share our information. You posted information about yourself online, you shared but, just enough. I responded to you which showed that I cared so then you shared again just a bit more. Then I emotionalized, not just calling you bears but personalizing it( I have a feeling that's part of what opened you up I could be wrong though)
You seen that made sense and it felt good, after going through so much it doesn't make sense and hurts. Your mind was able to open up. Did you notice that you're able to recall things that you said you couldn't recall before? The stuff about your dad, stuff about your cousin... just to name a couple things. You weren't able to recall it before because the
emotional side, the questioning side asked " should we pull those memories out of storage?" Functional "they don't make sense"
Emotional "they hurt"
Functional" NO, don't need to pull those memories." (Final answer)

When I emotionalized with you, it actually imbalanced you. You see, by Nature we are adaptable creatures so when the old Norm doesn't work anymore come up with a new Norm even if it's not good. Your new Norm is to be detached to stare to do things robotically to not involve emotion outside, in the world.
When I am imbalanced you, it threw off your new Norm and allowed you to see things from the other side of the tracks or walk a mile in someone else's shoes kind of idea... which boils down to it just made your mind be able to work differently. Which is why you are now sharing oversharing and I love it! So you go ahead I don't care if it takes me 5 days to read one letter and I don't even get to sleep during that whole time. If you feel it, you write it all down. Just be careful don't be like me right not just over share but I over over share and someone points it out to me later and I'm like "oh crap I forgot that the other people could see that lol!")
Just remember everything that you say is a clue to who you once were, and possibly what your new normal might be. Oh I am so proud of you!!

I know it might at times feel like you've reopened a wound. One that was scarred and so technically healed but it wasn't healed right.
You're going to have some tough times ahead. I just want to warn you of that right now. By we'll say reopening that side of you it's going to start acting again. You might find yourself over emotional crying in front of people you don't normally cry in front of you be standing in the line at Starbucks and all the sudden just break into tears. ( blame it on the time of the month that's what all of us women do lol okay maybe not all)
But know the truth this is the truth
your emotional side is trying to reclaim its balance your functional side is trying to reclaim its balance.
As long as the functional can make sense of things and the emotional can feel good about it it will turn out okay. It will still take a while time wise for these things to happen. But know that all these things that you're doing to detach to over Focus or to break down in the middle of Starbucks and start crying... it's your brain trying to heal.
Also you should be very much aware that most likely you will never truly get rid of depression or anxiety. I'm not sure if I've said this to you before or not but I believe there's a reason why you can't cure those things. The brain has found a reason to keep them around, it has its reasons and we can always discuss them later. And it's perfectly all right because there are times in our lives that we're supposed to be sad just like there are times in our lives were supposed to be happy. Nobody questions you when you're smiling and walking around going the sun is beautiful and the birds are chirping no one ever questions that but you get a sad look on your face and all the sudden people are like what's wrong with you... you got issues. Nope you're allowed to be happy and you're allowed to be sad. Take time for both. I know that sounds crazy. What you want me to just set aside some time this week to just sit and cry for an hour ...yeah I do. Preferably with a sappy movie or you know something like that but if not just sit and stare at the wall and let your mind do what it needs to. Say it to your brain you can even say it out loud. Okay it's okay to be sad right now. Come on tears come on out. Again I know it sounds a little crazy but think of it kind of like now you're giving your mind a schedule. You know like if you went into school but you didn't know what time your classes were how much would that mess with you? What a part if you feel like you just need to sit inside the school all the time just so that you don't miss a class?... my wonder if the brain feels that way too?
Anyway I think I'm already leaving a very long letter even though I'm doing it online I never do that I always copy and paste it over to my memo and then work from it from there. I got a lot of work to do on this cuz there's a lot of reading between the lines but not as much as there was before...and why? Because you are emotionalizing ( say that is if there's an echo behind it) lol you superhero you.

Oh my dear Bears there's so much more to tell you but for now I'm going to have to reread the letter a few more times the first time is always just to let it start taking it in and stewing ...after that I got to let the other part of the mind do it's stuff.

But by all means keep this as a diary or a journal whatever you need to do whatever you got to put out there put it out there let the world know girl do it! You're right and it would be nice if this helps other people, but of course you're my focal point right now.
But one of the goals is going to be to make the world see, how important we are. Sick does not mean dead although we may look like it at times...still not dead... and we do matter. And that there's nothing wrong the world knowing the truth. We always want to keep it to ourselves we don't want people to know there's something wrong with us... as if they haven't figured that out. Like your cousin I think I know what's going on with him I don't think you have anything to worry about I think he cares about you I think there is something but it's not about you... actually the feeling that you're getting may possibly be because... his functional is trying to figure out what you're going through because you are not telling him... like try to be a sneaky detective. I could be wrong don't have a whole lot of information on that situation it was one other possibility too but we can talk about it more if you want to later.

For now, like I said be on the lookout for those things to happen and when they do yes it's going to be embarrassing but don't freak out just look at people and say (strong as you can) "I'm human and I matter" and then just walk away.
But if you can't do that it's okay lol not everybody is quite as crazy as me. I say that because I have to tell everybody in my world like upfront with them I meet them like a new neighbor I walk over and I'm like hi I introduced myself and I said just want to let you know I suffer from depression and anxiety and there's going to be times when you wave at me and I won't wave back or whatever... never take it as against you." Oddly enough I've been pretty fortunate so far. Even telling that to my kids school, has worked in my favor. Believe it or not there's a lot of people out there who care more than you realize but... they only know...if you tell them. Like the cab driver sharing his story and then you look at him afterwards and you say you know what I suffer from depression and what you said to me just made me smile.
(Oh darn, I opened a can of worms at bedtime... meaning I was closing this letter but now I got to tell you about that)
You mentioned that you will experience these emotional moments where you kind of crack a smile but then you end up feeling not good later on.
So my suspicion is the old you... would have gotten into that cab, and that man would have told you his happy story and then you would have told your own...happy... story ( because that's what makes sense) then you would have gotten out of cab and felt nothing later on. The reason you feel something later on is because your brain knows what you normally would have done. It knows that there's an imbalance and it knows it's not right.

Like your teacher calling out and incorrect answer and you want so much to raise your hand because you know the correct answer... ...but you just can't
(Get it?)

Now I'm going to put that can of worms in the fridge cuz well it's not bedtime but where did I come up with bedtime cuz you do go fishing at night so ... opening a can of worms would have been a problem at night...
Oh geez I'm rambling lol

Forgive me and forget about the worms it's all good... they didn't want to be bait anyway.

All right Bears well till next time. It's okay to cry set some time aside and cry and remember Beetlejuice only shows up if you ain't clean...
( I'm telling you try it every time you think I should get a shower but I just can't just imagine looking down at your side and seeing beetlejuice pop out)

Let me know if this works because if not then it's just working for the crazy lady... and we'll have to find a different Beetlejuice for you lol

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Tue Jan 31, 2023 5:36 pm

Hi!

Let me tell you, I giggled when you mentioned Beetlejuice, because he's one of my favourite characters in movie history. I don't know why honestly, but i had this period of time when I just went around singing that song and just mumbling Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice over and over again:)

Actually, I am going to try this because when I do get these moments when everything just stops working I can't take care of myself. I can't clean, I barely eat, mostly because I forget, whatever skincare I had flies out the window, I don't even change or do anything I just stare blankly and showers are an inexistent thing at that point (oversharing a bit but what do i have to lose at this point). Anyways, just today I was preparing to shower and for a second I thought that, this time, I am actually taking a shower. A scorching hot one to feel something but at least I clean myself. I tend to sit down too in the shower, because it's comforting, I don't know what that's about but anyway...

Moving on, I didn't even realise I was doing that, remembering my old self and all of that, those just popped into my head after rereading something you wrote. I'm really glad it's working without even realising it works.

One important thing before I move onto something else, so I won't forget, you're right. You personalised and talked so nice to me and that made me want to share more. I have no idea why though. I said before small things get me, this is one of them. Whenever someone gets like that around me or they call me things like 'dear' or anything like that I get this warm but painful feeling. I really have know idea why. It's one of the mysteries of my being.

I remembered something today. I fought with that friend, she wants to do something that is a bit thoughtless in my opinion, because she is very impulsive and things won't work out, but apparently I don't care about her. Anyway, she's not the nicest when she's angry and honestly I'm kind of sick of it. I played therapist for so long that when I share something about myself she just straight up ignores it. This feels so childish complaining about a friend I honestly hate myself for this, but she literally ignores everything I say about myself. Unless I help her, I'm disposable. And I don't mind helping her, I never did, but once in a while it gets so tiring that I simply can't listen. Some time ago, two summers ago i think, we used to talk a lot. Daily, I think. For me, summers are quite hard. People who get seasonal depression get it during autumn or winter, but summers are the toughest for me. All of that light and heat and crowds of people, that's just so....I can't even describe it. Long story short I become nocturnal during summers. Anyway, that particular summer was hard. I barely took care of myself, I barely ate, but I talked to her. Listened, every complaint I was there. Every phone call and message. No matter the time. But I was zoning out more and more and I felt like I was being dry during our conversation so I just told her that I need some time alone, because I can't be that other part of ger dialogue when I can't think straight and I don't want ger to feel neglected or left out or to fell like I don't care. I honestly thought she'd understand. Of all the people I know, I thought she's the one who will understand. And I made sure to explain that I'm the one who is to blame for this, my own head isn't right, despite noe knowing how to communicate I did my best to try and convey that I am the one to blame for this, not her. What she gathered was that I was tired of her. I don't know if I said anything wrong, I racked my brains, I reread everything I wrote and tried again and again to explain and she gathered that, cursed me and that was that. I didn't want her to feel that so I poured everything out, shared whatever came to mind about my state of mind, every little thing that bothered me as clearly as I could. But from then on, she stopped contacting me unless she needed help and I got the "that's your fault for not being strong enough, some just are like that"...I guess some just are like that...now she's going through something similar, she's home sick, given that I feel differently and I'm not that tied to my family as she is, I only listened and comforted ger the best I knew. But apparently I don't care. Just because I go to college and she doesn't she said I'm thinking of myself as perfect. Mind you, I couldn't care less about college, I'm doing it because whatever little hopeful part of me still exists wants a decent future. She has the means of going, but to her social relationships have always been the more important part of life. I've told her countless times that no one is to blame for her own decisions but herself. As am I. Not saying no is my fault, letting myself be used was my own decision. And I am the one suffering the consequences. I am the one taking responsibility, not my parents or someone else, but me. But it's easier to find faults in others than face our own selves when we know that we're not perfect. She hates doing that because she's thinking of herself as perfect. I said this at some point, I know I did and I honestly don't know why I mention it again. I'm tired of fighting the same hopeless thing and I don't want to deal with her because truth be told she's petty and mean. I feel like a child for crying out loud, but I honestly do not have the energy to deal with irresponsible people who can't face a simple truth and common sense. I rambled about this too much and I honestly hope I don't appear selfish, I really do care about her because there are 14 years in between us, but when you're 20 years old and you can't take accountability for your actions when you hold yourself so high and mighty....I'm sorry but I can't do this.

I wanted to say something but I forgot....I got to wrapped up in what I wrote above. I hate it when I focus on hopeless things that have the same result over and over again. Oh yes. I have one thing I don't understand and that made me think "Am I really that horrible as a hunan being?" and that really hurt me. It's the person I wrote above, again she was, is, a big part of my life. But that time I opened up to her, besides telling me that I'm not strong enough and that I'm to blame, she said I'm being manipulative for opening up....That was what made me spiral into this, whatever this is. I'm so tired....

About what you said, about it being normal to be sad, as well as happy and everything else. I am aware of it. That's what I tell anyone who comes to me when they feel sad. I am well aware of everything because just as you say this to me, I say this to them. Because it's true and I know it but i can't bring myself to believe it when it comes to myself. I just don't deserve to feel sad. I shouldn't. Because when we look at it, I'm well. I have where to live, I can afford things some people can't, I have a family who is willing to support me when I need it and I have an understanding friend. Academically I've been doing well so far. That I'm an overachiever and perfectionist that's on me. I really shouldn't feel like this, let alone wish to die. But I do. I stop myself from saying my goodbyes to everyone I care about. I don't even have medicine where I live because I'm scared that one day I won't find a good reason not to take them all at once and just vanish. I'm well aware of every little positive thing and normal thing, yet when it comes to me, those don't apply. It's a rule for myself at this point. And I do not know why.

About depression and anxiety not being cured, I know that too. I'm aware that not even love can cure them. An imbalance that is not up to us can't be cured by us. But it can be managed so I hold out hope for that.

I have this fear that, if I go and get help, there won't be much to do. I know I'm self aware, but what if that self awareness is what makes everything worse and there really won't be any help for me...and do I want to get better? Do I really really want to get better? Because I'm honestly afraid that at this point, having lived with these feelings for so long, if I do try and get better there won't be anything left of me...just an empty shell, numbness. And I already have moments when I am just a shell...what then?

I remembered something from when I was little. Second grade I think. Like I said before, I liked studying, and learning new things, that never bothered me or angered me like it did other kids. But what tired me out was the social interaction and everything about it. Go to school , pay attention, write, answer, play with the other kids and interact with them. That all seemed so annoying and tiring. I couldn't be alone because then I would be pestered for not wanting to play and being a weirdo. And one morning I felt really really bad about it, not sick or anything, but all that just seemed so much and I didn't want to go. So I told my mom. I really don't want to go to school, can i just stay home for today? I pleaded and pleaded and begged her just for today to let me stay home. That earned me a slap on the face and a "Go wash yourself, the others will see you cried" and that was that. After that I remember being so fixed on it that I insisted on going to school even when I was sick and had a fever. Went with meds in my backpack I didn't care, and that was that.

Anyways...today I realised how some small things affect me. For example, I talk to someone and they don't look at me. Or if I show them something and I just get a "mhm" from them, I honestly feel like there's been an avalanche inside me and I lock myself in my room and cry or beat myself up for being so much that no one wants to even interact with me...I don't knew why I am like this and everything gets so tiring and I understand that i am tiring but I don't know how to be. I simply don't...

My head is starting to ache. Thank you again, Beetlejuice shall be my new companion from today. If he's not popping up, I think the Mad Hatter or the withe rabbit will. Or the Cheshire cat maybe. Thanks for caring! And being here.

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Tue Jan 31, 2023 9:19 pm

Don't get me wrong i love late night thoughts, they pretty much keep me going but I also hate them because here I am, at 4 a.m., crying because I miss being the little girl who followed ger cousin everywhere because she was so cool. I miss my other cousin's hug because he would pick me up and make me feel loved, I miss actually looking forward to family gatherings and not hating everyone because all they do is judge...I miss not knowing how the world works because then I wouldn't be so miserable and sad all the time and people wouldn't say that i don't have a heart and that I don't care, I miss mom's hugs I just want ro be thay little girl again, please....I really can't do this anymore

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Fri Feb 03, 2023 2:38 am

It's currently 9:25 a.m. and I'm supposed to be studying because I have two exams today, but I just want ut to be over and cone hone and sleep. Anyway, I'm writing this because I saw someone say that they think of themselves as the "floater friend", like you're not a stable part of someone's life, you're there just until someone better comes. And I really do feel like that. I'm easily replaceable. I like the fact that people like to use words so lightly. Like those intimate moments at 3 in the morning when you confess everything you've had in your heart and hurts you so much and the other person listens and understands and they say to you "thank you very much for being here, you're a really good friend, you're this and that and bla bla" and you choose to believe them because that's what you do, right? And then you're just....you become invisible or disposable. Or both. You're good in the moment but then someone better and easier to understand roles around and you're history. And so I grew up being told I'm so caring and such a good friend and anybody would be lucky to have me in their life, but they don't even believe what they say because the next time a better person roles around I become the "Am I supposed to sit with only her tomorrow? You're not opening up, of course nothing's worked out" and so on and so forth. So I'm the one people don't look twice at, I'm the one people keep their distance from. I'm the one people stare at. There's such a difference between me and my sisters. The middle one, gosh such a difference. She's the one people are attracted to because she's kind and smiley and she gets along with everyone, the one that goes out and has many friends. I'm sure she'll do great in the future. The youngest I'm worried about, she's taken after me a bit. I really hope she won't have to go through what I'm going. I really hope that. If only I could make the middle one understand and tell her to be a little kinder to our youngest sister. I'm rambling again...

Anyways, that was what got me writing this. I know we are supposed ro be these important parts in people's lives, and at least something that we did will stock with them, but let's face it. Some of us are, indeed, disposable. I am the kind of person who just travels around through people's lives for a bit, and as the wind changes, so does my direction. A floater friend. Meant to observe, to analyse, but never to really participate. I think I'm just meant to be alone. Floating.

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Sun Feb 05, 2023 4:21 pm

I hope you're still there, reading. I know I said I don't really need an answer and I'm sorry for going back on what I said but it really helps when you're replying and I hate that I put this on you because I am and I hate myself most because I do this...

My grandma called today and asked me if I'm gonna go home after I'm done with finals. I always cry after she does that. I don't think I'm gonna go anyway, it's useless. I don't know why she wants me there anyway, I lock myself in my room and we act as if the other doesn't exist. I'm tiring everyone and they tire me so...better to stay here. I don't know why I'm writing this for christ's sake.

My mother writes to me daily, she usually calls the family group chat. I don't usually answer because they can be so f****** dry in a conversation and it's better not to be mean or answer in a way I shouldn't. She usually calls me pet names and and again, I cry. I don't know why talking to anyone in my family is so f****** painful. I don't feel anything at all yet I cry if I see a message or they call. And they're even dry during EVERY conversation and I just...why the hell am I feeling so contradicted when I'm unconsciously reacting.

I've been cooped up in my room as of late. I go out to make a sandwich and I hum, why am I so happy why do I sing. I go to the bathroom, why am I so upset. That's my roommate who asks those questions. I know it's just conversation or something but am I not allowed to feel anything? How am I normally to him? Why do I get so irritated because of every small little thing? Most of these things are trivial, useless, meaningless, yet I get so angry and furious and I just want to yell and punch something. But I never liked taking my anger out on others so I lock myself in my room. You see, back home my father smoked. So did my grandpa, and sometimes one cigarette would go missing. I don't smoke, I hate it, but I've used it for...well..I think you understand. It quieted my brain for a little. My pain tolerance is high and I don't exactly mind pain, and if my head's quiet, all the better.

I'm not sure...I don't know how I'm supposed to be. And why, why do I have this aching pain because...ok, I'll try again. I'm in college, because like I said, whatever meaningless future I have ahead of me, I want it to be decent. But i don't know what I'm gonna do. I mean, I study humanities, not something with an abundance of options. I'm studying to also pe a teacher, I don't think that'll pan out for me, I can't deal with people like that. I don't have it in me to fight for what I want to be, nor the courage or really the desire because I know I'm mediocre and if I can't be ag least good then why am I even trying? AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM. I know I don't have to be perfect or remarkable or outstanding because it wouldn't matter anyway. But there's a part of me that really wants to do something at least memorable for a few people but at the same time I just want to live a quiet and peaceful life. I don't mind having a small little home, just me, maybe someone I love and care for, in our little bubble away from all this f****** bullshit of a life. I'll be a librarian, that's quiet. No one's gonna pester me and the books are good company. My head's killing me. I have nightmares more and more often. It's not quiet anymore even in my sleep.

I feel so out of place. I just know people are tired of me, I can feel it in the way they look at me. They can say I'm alright and that they don't mind me but everyone says that until there's a rumour from someone you least expected it and you confront them, nothing's real, of course, and then I find out how bad and manipulative and horrible I am and how nothing I've ever done ever mattered, I didn't matter because why would I? For f***'s sake why am i saying this?

It doesn't even matter now I'll just, live like I do, keep my distance from everyone and I know that at some point I'll be forgotten altogether and then I can vanish off the face of the earth.

Thank you for being there for me, your kindness matter greatly to me.

I'm balling my eyes out and I don't know why. I feel so lonely...I am so alone. I have my dad's shirt on. It's an old flannel. I think he had it on in one of those two photos with me as a baby. Why do I feel like this?.....I'm tired

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Tue Feb 07, 2023 11:28 pm

Hey just a quick message I'm here I'm so totally here. I won't forget you I won't forget about reading what's going on with your life. In fact in my memo I have something that my brain stopped me on not too long ago that you wrote couple letters back and I knew there was something to it but I didn't know at the time and I think I figured it out.
I'm not done with my memo but just because I'm going to send these things to you they're just thoughts mostly but at the bottom is a very important part I am actually asking you a question here which of course you get back to me when you feel like it no big deal. Also real quick I know that you said that you're not really into the chat and if you're really not I can respect that but I'll tell you why I think it might be a good idea. Because they're people like you ...because they say the same things as you.. because they're scared and they're worried and they're alone... but when you're on the chat together ...you're not alone. It's a way of detaching without detaching. As well as staying attached without actually being attached lol that sounds a little silly I know. There are a lot of people that just watch the chat they don't say anything they just watch. It allows you to be a part of something still. Yes the check can sometimes be a little busy.. it definitely took time for me to get used to how fast it moves and everything cuz you know I'm an old Fogie but, you get used to it you start recognizing names. So I just suggest if you're ever bored, if you ever feel alone... try signing on you can sign on as a guest you don't have to have a name or anything no one has to know who you are you can just sit and watch. And if you do try it and you feel like it's too fast for you one you can ignore users other members that are talking and two there are other times the day it can be slow. Anyway like I said of course it's totally up to you and I'll respect your wishes I just wanted you to know not only is it an option you know but some of the ins and outs to the option.

Anyway on with the show here. As I said probably my next actual letter to you is going to be kind of big like I said I've got it stewing in the memo.. the memo down below is just a memo of the memo... kind of like the memos assistant lol sorry I just can't help myself. I've talked to a few people recently and it's amazing. I talked to this girl the other night who likes this guy but she doesn't know how he feels because he's kind of quiet and shy and has social anxiety and other people think he's rude but he's really not he just has social anxiety and I'm like oh boy that guy sounds kind of familiar. So I started asking her questions and she answered yep yep yep yep yep yep lol then one no but I think that's only because she has feelings for him and can't see this particular thing in him. Anyway, I won't bore you with the details. Including all the other PMS where I look at these people and I'm thinking gosh I know exactly who you are what you are and what's going on...( I have to be careful sometimes I get a little conceited and ahead of myself, and, I have to remind myself not to tell people these answers... just in case my brain needs to Stew on it first lol I can't help it it's the emotionalist in me wanting to help wanting to give people answers right here right now because it sounds good...ah, but it's the functionalist in me that I have to wait for. It needs information and then it needs time to think about it. (Sigh)

Anyway that's going to be part of our conversation next time actually we're going to have to start establishing those things with you. Don't worry we've already kind of started...lol half of your homework is already done and you didn't even have to study for it.
And on that note oh my poor bears my poor poor bears... of course you're detaching from things that you really wanted to do learning languages the archeology oh my gosh who didn't want to be Indiana Jones I dressed up as Indiana Jones for Halloween one year that's how badly I wanted to be Indiana Jones. My apologies that might not at all have been your thinking with being an archaeologist.
Like I was saying though of course you're detaching... those things make you happy and you're not allowed to be happy right now so it has to use your emotional side for sadness instead of Happy and it's got to use your functional side to detach you from your studies from friends from showering... anything it can use/convince you that you do not need it will try to detach you from.
We need to work on your functional girl.

But that thing I was stewing on tells me we're going to have to go further back than you and I realized. No not as far back as you being an innocent little babe rolled up in your blanket ...but kind of close.

We're getting there bears we're getting there. Of course I know it's easy to say be strong hang in there oh I hate this fortune cookie answers but it's true.

Anyway like I said blow or just some of the memos you know my memos assistant... memo. Meaning it's just thrown on there it's not pretty or anything. Just little thoughts that come to me that I felt like sharing but at the very bottom is important. Daddy shirt is too.. but I'll give you more on that later, again my head has to think about it. Whereas it's true it doesn't work a little easier when it's face to face, I'm pretty sure this is working too it's just a little slower.

( also two more things one so proud that you kick the one friend of the curb and the reason I say that is because if you were stronger right now then I would give you different advice I would actually tell you to help your friend at certain ways because I can see some things with her but... sorry friend this is about bears and what bears needs. A friend like that is not going to help you right now maybe in time you'll be able to pick things back up... we'll see. For now I'm proud of you please remember that.. I say that especially because I know it's going to be tough she's probably going to call you again when she needs you.. but you got to think about you right now.


And.. I would like to know more about the other friend the one that you can open up to but feel bad because you feel kind of like you're using him...that friend.

(Big eyes..tell me more)

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Reply to bears 2

You mean the manipulator is manipulating you into think you're the manipulator

You mean the manipulator is manipulating you into being a manipulator

It's like when someone says I love you. Now they've said it now you've heard it. So it doesn't need to be said again. And yet, they say to you everyday and you find, hearing it a comfort. And now you can also start believing it more and more and more each day.

That's why I say it and then I say it again and again and I'll continue saying it. Even though you already know it's okay to be sad but there are times for everything. As you said you still kind of argue with yourself as if you are not entitled to that that you're not allowed to have sad times. So that's why I repeat it to you and will continue to because the more you hear it the more you will believe it and the more you will start living it, allowing yourself proper sad time.

It's weird I think that some of it is just simply that it's a stigma depression is a stigma. Something that burdens us that should never have to burden anyone else. Oddly enough though for as much as we try to hide it from the rest of the world in some ways that's how much more we're affecting the rest of the world. Like you try to hide your depression from your roommates but you're not doing a good job of hiding it are you? That's okay the reason why is because you need to be honest about it. No more hiding and saying I'm depressed and just keeping yourself hidden. Be upfront with your roommates say I suffer from depression and it's a horrible horrible thing but I will try. Again I know that sounds crazy but if your roommates at all have any consideration for you care at all they're going to appreciate your honesty. People with depression they look like they're hiding something especially because they do not talk let me let me repeat that they do not talk... when you're dealing with someone who doesn't talk you think they're hiding something right? That's one of the reasons why it's important to be honest about the depression and upfront. Yes it's true some people look at you like you're weird probably kind of stay away from you but most people believe it or not will appreciate your honesty. And they'll feel a little special that you've shared that with them... especially if they are someone that cares about you.

So that stuff I wrote on other days but this is what I really want to focus on and I just knew it I just knew it if I let my brain still on it long enough it would click... here's the line I want to know about... no I don't want to know about it I need to know about it again let me repeat need...

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"I've never been one to talk, verbally expose my feelings. Not with my voice anyway. I've always been into literature so as I grew up I enjoyed the creative writing class. So I discovered writing so whenever I had something important to say, I would write little letters. Even before the class I think though, because I didn't want to see people's reactions to my feelings and all that, so i would just write notes, letters, what ever the situation called for. "

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Especially that first and second line, I'm very much so interested in. I want to know what age you are? I want to know what age you felt like you had things to say but didn't verbally share them?
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