I don't know

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

I don't know

Postby bears » Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:43 pm

I don't know what to do. I don't understand what's happening to me, I don't understand why I'm feeling like this. I'm almost 20 and I'm in college, nothing is wrong, yet I feel like this. The people I know say I will have a bright future, but I don't see myself in the future. I'm supposed to be studying but I can't do it. I'm just constantly terrified that I will disappoint everyone. My friend constantly tells me how difficult I am, my sister seems to not tolerate me anymore, and my family keeps asking how do my roommates tolerate me. I know that they are probably joking or saying stuff in the heat of the moment, and I feel like I take it too seriously but it hurts. I don't want to self-diagnose but I just have the feeling that something is wrong with me and I can't understand what. I'm supposed to enjoy being with my family but I never do. Everything was fine, I was a top student through school, I enjoyed learning and studying, I enjoyed reading, I loved movies and nowadays everything feels forced. I just want to be left alone and to sleep. I'm being scolded for not going out and enjoying my youth and I don't know what to do to please them. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never had a partner. I just kept studying and doing what I knew pleased the ones around me. I feel so tired. I just want to give up but I don't want my family to deal with that. anyway, I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense.

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Fri Jan 06, 2023 9:54 am

Hi
Actually...it all makes sense to me. I understand everything you said...every word.

Do you have an overwhelming sense of, why should I? For example, why should I go out with those friends...but you still do.
Why should I keep going to school...but you still do.
Why should I, why should I, why should I...but you still do?

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Sun Jan 08, 2023 4:29 pm

Tealeaves wrote:Hi
Actually...it all makes sense to me. I understand everything you said...every word.

Do you have an overwhelming sense of, why should I? For example, why should I go out with those friends...but you still do.
Why should I keep going to school...but you still do.
Why should I, why should I, why should I...but you still do?



I actually do! All the time. Something happens like someone says something or I remember something or I just think deeply for a second and then there is that tiny annoying voice saying "Why are you still doing this? Why should you go there? Why should you do that?". Most of the time I end up doing it anyway because I'm stubborn and honestly I think I do it just to keep up the appearances. But even now, although I say I don't care anymore, I'll probably go day by day doing the same things over and over. Why, I have no idea because I just feel like giving up. The only thing that stops me is that I don't want other people to deal with that or I don't want to burden anyone.

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Sun Jan 08, 2023 11:20 pm

So I have been working on this mental health theory, for some years now. I have difficulty sharing it with others ...I guess it's because I'm too chicken. Actually it's not just a mental health Theory it's a different way of looking at our brain and how it's actually working. For example I believe our brain is using depression as a defense mechanism. Think of it kind of like, if you don't try then you can't fail, which our brain is convinced we will inevitably do. It's actually trying to protect us but like an overprotective parent, it's actually kind of harming us more than protecting us. Another example is when you can't get out of bed... well where are you safe? In your bed. Going back to bed is oftentimes the go-to for people with depression. Whether it's delay there and just stare at the wall and cry hiding under the blanket or to actually just sleep a lot. Our brain keeps us in bed in order to protect us from thumbtacks on the floor. ( I say thumbtacks on the floor because even though that sounds crazy how many times has your brain come up with a weird reason as to why you couldn't do something? Maybe the reason you couldn't turn in a paper for school is because you imagined your teacher laughing at you) there are people out there that are convinced they can't wash their dishes simply because they're going to hurt their hands on the boiling hot water... funny thing they actually have a dishwasher.
And I've got more a ton more but just let me know if any of that kind of sounds familiar to you and/or, you are interested to know more.

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Mon Jan 09, 2023 5:17 am

Tealeaves wrote:So I have been working on this mental health theory, for some years now. I have difficulty sharing it with others ...I guess it's because I'm too chicken. Actually it's not just a mental health Theory it's a different way of looking at our brain and how it's actually working. For example I believe our brain is using depression as a defense mechanism. Think of it kind of like, if you don't try then you can't fail, which our brain is convinced we will inevitably do. It's actually trying to protect us but like an overprotective parent, it's actually kind of harming us more than protecting us. Another example is when you can't get out of bed... well where are you safe? In your bed. Going back to bed is oftentimes the go-to for people with depression. Whether it's delay there and just stare at the wall and cry hiding under the blanket or to actually just sleep a lot. Our brain keeps us in bed in order to protect us from thumbtacks on the floor. ( I say thumbtacks on the floor because even though that sounds crazy how many times has your brain come up with a weird reason as to why you couldn't do something? Maybe the reason you couldn't turn in a paper for school is because you imagined your teacher laughing at you) there are people out there that are convinced they can't wash their dishes simply because they're going to hurt their hands on the boiling hot water... funny thing they actually have a dishwasher.
And I've got more a ton more but just let me know if any of that kind of sounds familiar to you and/or, you are interested to know more.



It does sound familiar. Today I didn't go to college exactly because of that "why should I?" and I feel guilty because of it but I honestly don't care. And it's comforting a little bit to know what my brain does so this theory is viable and explains quite well what and how I feel. I would like to hear more, yes. And thank you!

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Mon Jan 09, 2023 6:31 pm

So it sounds like you weren't depressed when you made the decision, it sounds more like you were just accepting...is that true?

I am super excited to hear your answer on this by the way!!

But I can't tell you anymore than that until I hear back from you simply because I don't want to cause you to have a biased opinion, so to speak.

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Tue Jan 10, 2023 10:29 am

Hey, so I read the message that I sent to you just now and I realized that, I was what I call, to functional, with my words. Meaning my opening line was straight and, to the point, nothing soft or, pretty to make the sentence feel better.

Problem is the way the sentence reads, it makes it sound like I'm saying that, you don't have depression...gee, how many times have you heard someone say that?
Well anyway my point is... no, you do have depression I'm not arguing that... well actually I can't factually say that because I don't know you... But, if you say you have it, then I believe you and apologize if I made you feel otherwise.
Just in case you want the information but don't want to speak to me, I'll (hopefully) be posting something called what if... 6 or 7, on one of the message boards and hopefully it will include a lot more information. The root of depression and where it's coming from.
For you in particular based on what you said in your original message I think what's causing your depression is something that's happening around you... and you're not alone. As time goes by more and more people are being affected by this thing and sadly, it's only going to get worse.
Also, in your original message, you said that your family wanted to know how your roommates could tolerate you... I think I know why that is too... because you think differently... what affects other people doesn't necessarily affect you in the same way. Meaning I think your brain might interpret emotions differently than other people's.
#1 there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and there's a reason why it happens. Just remember there are two sides to every coin, Opposites attract... in fact opposites are needed and you
( I'm only assuming because again I don't know you) you are one of those opposites.
I hope to hear from you but if not I will try to post that information soon... Either way, good luck

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Thu Jan 12, 2023 11:48 am

Tealeaves wrote:Hey, so I read the message that I sent to you just now and I realized that, I was what I call, to functional, with my words. Meaning my opening line was straight and, to the point, nothing soft or, pretty to make the sentence feel better.

Problem is the way the sentence reads, it makes it sound like I'm saying that, you don't have depression...gee, how many times have you heard someone say that?
Well anyway my point is... no, you do have depression I'm not arguing that... well actually I can't factually say that because I don't know you... But, if you say you have it, then I believe you and apologize if I made you feel otherwise.
Just in case you want the information but don't want to speak to me, I'll (hopefully) be posting something called what if... 6 or 7, on one of the message boards and hopefully it will include a lot more information. The root of depression and where it's coming from.
For you in particular based on what you said in your original message I think what's causing your depression is something that's happening around you... and you're not alone. As time goes by more and more people are being affected by this thing and sadly, it's only going to get worse.
Also, in your original message, you said that your family wanted to know how your roommates could tolerate you... I think I know why that is too... because you think differently... what affects other people doesn't necessarily affect you in the same way. Meaning I think your brain might interpret emotions differently than other people's.
#1 there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and there's a reason why it happens. Just remember there are two sides to every coin, Opposites attract... in fact opposites are needed and you
( I'm only assuming because again I don't know you) you are one of those opposites.
I hope to hear from you but if not I will try to post that information soon... Either way, good luck



Oh no, do not apologise, I understood what you meant! And I'm sorry for answering a bit later, things are a bit hectic. To answer your question, I haven't been officially diagnosed and I wouldn't like to self-diagnose, so I can't tell if I do or don't have depression, it's just what I feel that I'm going to talk about. And yes, I just started accepting whatever happens because as I said, I don't really care anymore.

Now I saw this particular thing in your message, where you said that what's causing this might be what's happening around me. I think you might be right. I mean, for example, if one of my friends feels sad or bad or I don't know, negative in some way and I interact with them, unconsciously I'll be affected as well, I'll try to make them feel batter but their state affects mine. And that goes for positive feelings as well. I don't really know how to explain it so that it would make sense. And whenever I find myself thinking too deeply about certain things, mostly about the current situation in the world and things that concern a less happy history, I just fall in this slump and don't really care or want to experience the world anymore. Which is weird because there are times when I have so much love and adoration for every little thing and it pains me to see how everything is destroyed out of pride or wish for power.

It's complicated and I have so much to say that I just get lost in my own words and thoughts, I just hope what I said makes sense. Again, no need to apologise, I really appreciate you for trying so much to explain this to me!

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Fri Jan 13, 2023 10:26 am

Oh I'm so glad to hear from you!
I'll admit I got a little worried because ...well I got a little bit of anxiety.
So to answer a few things and also ask... and I'll repeat my, important,  questions at the end... I find it sometimes helps people to prioritize and keep things ordered.

Have you heard of empaths? I myself am not familiar with it enough to really talk on it so I'll just tell you my version.

Sometimes our brain has difficulty understanding emotions... other peoples emotions. (because emotions have no tangible value, whereas the #1= #1) As we grow up we learn reasons why emotions...other people's emotions, are important. Some people catch on super quick, it just makes automatic sense but, some people do not, because it doesn't make sense.
Once the brain learns that it needs to make sense of emotions... I believe it does what you are describing. You are imitating emotions in order for your brain to learn and, understand why.

( example: if you did not know how to ice skate but, wanted to learn... you would watch me ice skate and then, imitate my moves.)

Then again as I said earlier you might be an empath... again I can't say cuz I really don't know much about them.
So now my question for you, about that is: how do you feel when, you are (we'll call it) imitating someone else's emotions? How long, after you've left their presence, do you imitate it? And how do you feel afterwards?
You might have to wait till the next time it happens... because I need you to search your brain for how you're really feeling when it happens. Like, is your mind overwhelmed by the emotion... that's all you can think about or, do you feel like there's other thinking going on just silently in the back of your head?
(Think of it like this: when you yourself get upset about something all on your own that emotion doesn't just go away. It stays with you until either the problem is resolved or, somehow, you move on... either way there's still a lingering feeling.)
Do you still have a lingering feeling after you have imitated someone else's emotions?

Ah, that is a part of what I was referring to, when I said, things around you! The state of the world is causing a mental decline in a lot of people. (You've probably noticed, more and more people are making up their own rules...like driving...that's one that I have noticed a lot. Like a stop sign isn't a stop or, a red light isn't red... and you can tell when they're going through it it's not an accident... they just don't want to wait)

So here's why:
There is a part of your brain that needs (life and death needs) for things to make sense...when things cannot be made sense of, another part kicks in to help you 'roll with it'.

You, like most others, have watched the news or at least HEARD it. (this is going to sound rude and selfish)
There was a school shooting, here and there, problems in other countries... and at the time you were saddened by that information but, your brain making sense of things/rolling with it, looked at the what is...
What is... it's not happening here it's not happening to you so ...it's not your problem.
You were able to go from being sad to going outside and hanging out with your friends and, for the most part, forgetting all about it.

Now enter the present day...the state of the world. I personally live in a quiet town but recently, there have been shootings...not five minutes from my home. Some of those shootings have happened in stores...that I have shopped in...I still  shop in.

See how it's getting closer and closer to home? I'm sure, wherever you are, you probably have a similar story or, at least can see my point.

Now when you watch the news, you're not just glancing at it and hearing it...now you're focused and LISTENING, to it.

(Notice the hearing vs.listening? Listening is a more focused hearing. Kind of like..."hey, I heard a noise...shh, I'm listening. )

Now some of that change from hearing to listening, is normal. When you're a kid you're not listening but now you're an adult. That's just a normal natural thing...lol welcome to being an adult!

But it's also because of the state of the world because you're waiting/ listening for it to be, not only in your own backyard but, even in your own house.

One sad Factor we used to know why people did what they did... They had a reason (maybe not a good one but still a reason) they left a note or, something...but now, all we know is that they just went crazy.

Anyfoo, enough of that doom and gloom... and I say that because the world isn't just doom and gloom.

Yeah I know the feeling of getting lost in the words lol that's why I turn off the data/WiFi and type my messages on my phone memo, ( so I can work on a little by little) then copy and paste it. Lol it's extra work but it allows me to take things at my own pace... instead of the world's muhaha!

So my important questions again:

If you can, jot down some little examples of what you meant when you said

1..."My friend constantly tells me how difficult I am,
2...my sister seems to not tolerate me anymore,
3...and my family keeps asking how do my roommates tolerate me.

( examples of all three of those different things... it might be nothing because sometimes friends grow apart and sometimes sisters just get jealous but just in case)

4...how do you feel when, you are (we'll call it) imitating someone else's emotions?
5...How long, after you've left their presence, do you imitate it?
6...And how do you feel afterwards?
7...Do you still have a lingering feeling after you have imitated someone else's emotions?


So that's a lot so don't feel pressed to answer everything it's not a huge deal, can always come back to it.

Also before I go... I wanted to let you know that I did post something you might be interested in reading. It's on the message board or, you can also find it through searching my profile...its called 'Try me'. Again I apologize for being so wordy.

Good luck, hang in there and all that other fortune cookies stuff... I'll talk to you later :)

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Fri Jan 13, 2023 6:16 pm

Hello!

Firstly, I don't know how much this will quell your anxiety, but I will always answer. It's just a bit harder at the moment, but I'll answer no matter what.

Secondly, I'll try to answer everything, and if I omit something, feel free to point it out again:)

Now, to answer the first thing you questioned me about. I have heard about empaths, I have been told by adults, mostly, that I am an empathising person and that I am quite sensitive to those around me. However, since I haven't talked to a professional, I stay away from labels because I don't want to upset or offend someone by wrongly naming something. I think this might be confusing since I'm not naming things concretely, but I hope it makes sense.

Before I answer anything else, thank you again for being so patient and writing to me. Onwards!

About the examples. I repeat, I am aware most of these stuff have been told in the heat of the moment, but they just hurt my feelings. I admit I am stubborn at times and I tend to lose my temper quite easily sometimes. To understand a bit better, my and my friend's relationship is based on sarcasm, we just joke around a lot and stuff. But I've been told before that I am cold and they can't really tell when I'm joking around. And my love language is physical touch, mostly, but I don't lay my hands on anyone without consent and if they are not comfortable with it , resulting in me being touch starved because I rarely get any physical contact with anyone. This is just for a bit of background.

1. We were once on the train, going home, and I can't really remember what we started talking about, but my friend is quite vocal. And I didn't really want to talk about it then and there and I turned around because he wouldn't stop talking and he ended that little discussion by loudly saying how difficult I am and it resulted in a few stares. Now I don't necessarily mind that it was in public, I couldn't care less, but each time he has the opportunity he will remind me without hesitating how difficult I am. And it's hurtful.

2. With my sister. Again, keep in mind what I've said before about myself. She's my younger sister and I've basically taken care of her since I was about 10, it's a bit complicated with family stuff so I won't go into detail. But as we grew older we started getting along better especially recently. She's my complete opposite, she has many friends, she goes out she's approached by people, but I'm really happy for her, don't get me wrong. Now whenever I do go home, and that's quite rarely, once every 3-4 months, since we haven't spoken a lot I am a bit chatty, because after all she's my sister, we were close before when she had hard times, why not act the same when everything is well? Anyway, whatever I say or do she doesn't like and she just seems to not like being around me. The thing is though, I understand her. It's painful, but so was taking care if her and parenting our parents when I was 14. To give a concrete example, we'd talk or play or do something random and I'm chatty when I'm around her or I'll just move more or hug her or something and she'd just be like "How quiet it was when you were away.".

3. My family is the same as with my sister. Given that I had to mature a bit fast, I've grown to be closed up and cold. They all know that, they keep reminding me when they have the chance. But they are used to a me that is really energetic and jovial and I am that around that. They liked it for years, but as of late apparently it's tiring for them because I'm being difficult. Basically I go home from college, and we'd be talking about my college life and at some point there's the question of "how can they live with you when you're like this?". I smile and tell them they manage and that's that.

To make something clear, I am not trying to victimise myself, I have shortcomings, lots of them, but I did my best growing up. Having been the child who went to all of the contests, the responsible one, the smart one, the best when it comes to school and all that, I've grown really tired. I tried pleasing everybody in any way I could just so they would be happy and leave me alone. Not even that was enough ( I'm being scolded for not going out enough when I really don't enjoy that, I'm even being scolded for not having a partner when I know too well I'm not ready for that and I won't have a partner just for the sake of trying), because now I cannot keep up with the world and myself and it's really difficult since it's only the beginning of my life.

4. I'm not really aware of doing it. But most of the time I feel...I don't know how to put it into words, but numb. I can tell that whatever I am doing is there, it's perceived by the others, but I do not feel anything more than that on a deeper level. If someone laughs, I laugh, if the situation calls for sarcasm or a more serious manner, I'll be like that. More and more often though that mask or imitation or whatever you want to call it, fall off and I'm just...numb. I don't really feel something that deep. The only emotions I really feel to a level where I get nauseated or I start to shake a bit are sadness and happiness. My physical reactions are the same in both cases and can't really control it. If the situation calls though, I'll hide it well.

5. This imitation falls as soon as I am out of a social interaction. Meaning, as soon as I am alone, I stop. I guess it's because it feels way too tiring and I instinctively stop. If I am in a social interaction again however, at the flip of a switch I'm being like them again, be it happy, sad, sarcastic or whatever.

6. Afterwards, I feel nothing really. Sometimes I take note of this longing, almost painful feeling of "I wish I could really feel that" but I push it in the back of my mind and I'm left feeling nothing. Just plain nothing.

7. I guess I kind of answered, but not really. Just longing to really feel that. But nothing else in particular.

To summarise (again), I am not aware all the time of doing this. It kind of became instinctive so as to make people feel comfortable. Whenever I let myself be how I am, meaning empty, I guess, it results in people asking if I am okay. And I hate that, because I say yes because no one really listens. I try explaining what I feel and I get the answer "It'll be fine soon", or "You'll get through it". I know I will, I always do, but how many more times do I have to go through this before giving up? Because it gets more and more tiring. I know that my experiences are the ones that made me cold and distant and hard to understand and so mysterious and all that, but it got to a point where I cannot keep a relationship, of any kind. I have one friend who knows this stuff, and not even all of it because I don't want to burden her when he has her own stuff to deal with it. The one person I confessed my feelings to and my troubles regarding my family and upbringing distanced herself from me and talks to me whenever she needs someone to talk to. There's 14 years of friendship behind that relationship (she says that because we need to face the fact that she did some messed up stuff and I kept being by her side when she needed me) and I understand that it's a bit selfish of me to say this when I wronged her as well, but that marked my childhood and on top of everything else, made me this closed up, f***** up person that can't maintain one goddamned relationship because of being afraid that I'm not good enough to even talk to...

I apologise for ranting in the end there, but I'll leave it in, maybe it gives some context or something. Again, I am not trying to victimise myself, I really don't, I am just trying to explain how it is but it's hard to be objective. I hope everything makes sense and I answered concretely, if not, again, feel free to ask for more detail or whatever you need to understand better. I don't think I'll have the time to read what you mentioned, it's a busy period for me, but I'll try when I get the chance.

Thanks again! You're really wonderful!

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Fri Jan 13, 2023 6:23 pm

Also, I don't know why but I feel the need to let you know. I am aware of the ugliness and pain the world, but I'm also aware of the beautiful part of it. I am in love really with how amazing it truly is, I have big hopes and aspirations to see it and to experience it to the best of my capabilities, but most of the time I can't help but notice all of the pain and ugliness that seems to be spreading more and more and people seem to just ignore it and move on with their lives. It's really upsetting to me because it just looks like they refuse to think for one second and just go for power and money and pride and it makes me so angry and just...hopeless.

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Fri Jan 13, 2023 11:47 pm

Oh my anxiety is because of, not hearing back from someone because then I worry that
1. I said something wrong that offended somebody or
2.  dumb-dumb-dumb they disappeared from the planet.
Lol either way, it's good to hear from you.
And I completely understand the hectic lifestyle I too have one and, depression and anxiety... so there might be times where I too kind of disappear for a little bit but I'll be back (terminator voice)
Also, you can't offend me. In fact, if using a label gets a point across, in a better way, more efficient way... then do that.
You know cuz I could write down the whole definition of what an empath is or... I could just simply say empath. So much easier.
Also forgive me sometimes, because I have to read between the lines of things and let my mind sink things in, it may take me a little while to reply. It's important to let my mind answer you and not me lol someday I may explain that.
Also, if you need to disagree with me feel free to do so... this is a learning experience but if we're not upfront about it, then we're not going to learn anything.

You're very welcome and thank you as well!

So how are you cold? I think I already know your answer especially because your next comment was "people can't always tell you're joking."
Do you think you have a dry humor like... like you're using more fact than Fiction, even when joking?

Well that makes sense because you can't make love to a bush lol sorry that's a quote from a movie. But it's still kind of applies because seeing is believing and touching is confirming something is real.
But when you're more comfortable, I'd like for you to expand on that. Like give me the example of your last relationship, maybe your best relationship and maybe your worst relationship. Take your time on that.

So, your friend sounds like he is the type that has to have the last word pretty much all the time.
At some point he said you were difficult, realized he got a reaction out of you (so now his brain has learned) that's one of the ways he can always get the last word in... especially if you defied him in some way... like conveying to him that his choice in conversation is wrong.

I also could be wrong about this but I think you're the know it all, (meaning you pay attention to facts) but he is the one that acts like he is a know-it-all

( I might have some ways of dealing with him but only if you're interested, but it's a little bit of a discussion because it could change the elements of your friendship)

For some reason my brain is kind of locking up on your sister... like I can't put into words what I'm thinking. I think my brain is still doing some extra thinking that I'm not aware of.
So I think I'll have to come back to the subject of her except for this question.
What's her state of mind (in your opinion) when she says it was quiet when you weren't there?
Also I will say that I'm pretty sure she's going through something too... for now just be the big brother and be patient with her.

(((( I think I know what happened to him I think it was the over functionalizing to raise sister and parents... and now his brain is still operating in that same manner but it doesn't need to... but it doesn't know that))))

So as a child, before you had to do any 'adult work'(raising people) you were a jovial child happy go lucky, class clown in training? Then you had to raise people so you got more serious and quiet... now you're back to being jovial and happy go lucky (when you're at home)?

If that bit is true... is there a difference between your jovial, energy, when you were a child? Like would you say there's an overage to your jovial self, now? Like whether you realize it or not a part of you might be trying to hard to be jovial...or,...no overage, jovial comes natural.

You're not victimizing yourself. Your simply a product of your upbringing. Now it's time to figure out what's what.

You don't go out because you don't want to? Or because you already know you're not going to have a good time because you'll spend it having to pretend you're happy... that's why you don't want to go out...

Meaning; if you knew that you could go out tonight and you knew you were going to have a great time, like crystal ball, knew the future...would you?

So I'm gonna let you in a little secret...if I'm correct your brain is over functionalizing, which means like it's overthinking, it's over focusing even on things it's not supposed to even focus on.

Like imagine if you had to actually critique laughter like you actually had to focus on laughing... how wrong does that feel and sound to you? Laughter, which is supposed to be like la la la but, your brain is trying to put a value to it so that it can understand what it means like it understands 1+1=2... that's what your brain is trying to do.

Yes, you were imitating their behaviors... earlier I said it was because your brain might be trying to learn from them but, after this last message... the reason for the imitation is to act like you belong.
As long as nobody knows the truth then you'll always belong. The reason why the mask falls off later on is because... that's not how you really feel.
Actually one of the posts that I recently did, is all about people just like you. I don't know if you started out as an emotionalist or as a functionalist but you are definitely becoming a functionalist or, at least imbalanced that way and, that's not a good thing.
You have learned and trained your brain to do what makes them happy but that's not what makes you happy... so the mask falls... and then you're just left with truthful ol you.
Which depresses you because you're not a liar but you feel like you are... to them... to yourself.

Ugh, I hate those answers... I call them fortune cooking answers ...I'm not really sure why. To some degree they're good, they are important because they can be helpful..."hang in there, it'll get better" etc.
Some people they just need that little bit and that's enough but some people need answers...real answers and action... something they can see, something they can feel, something they can be a part of. 

Sometimes people distance  themselves simply because they don't know how to help, sometimes they distance themselves because they don't want to hear it anymore. Of course it hurts to know that because then you end up feeling like a burden but, truth hurts. Sadly sometimes you just have to face that... but that's okay we're working toward something different here.
Your friend is functionalizing, which is why she's contacting you when she needs you. It's basically just being selfish.
Now before you think oh my friends selfish now... lol we all are, to some degree. It's the functional part of our brain that does it. It allows us to be selfish to think of number one.
Here's the thing, there's nothing wrong with that. Just keep helping out your friend whenever she gives you a call... be there the same way she used to be there for you. Who knows maybe this theory, will be the real ticket, that you could help her.

Oh wait so I kept reading on... now I'm getting a sister vibe. You know like you and your sister experience something that together as well as you and your friend experience something bad together... I think I'll come back to that one as well.

Hey I've got a kid in college...I get it... Take your time.
Besides I want to stew on this sister and friend thing a little longer.
It sounds like you got a little bit of history with that friend of yours like private history, which is totally cool in fact I prefer not to have to ask... because you're entitled to your privacy. We'll see if we can get this figured out without going there.

So here's the repeat of all the important questions.

1.how are you cold?

2.Do you think you have a dry humor like... like you're using more fact than Fiction, even when joking?
... after you stopped being the 'parent' did you go back to you?

3.expand on relationships. Like give me the example of your last relationship, maybe your best relationship and maybe your worst relationship. You don't have to write a book about it, just some pointers

4.What's her (sister)state of mind (in your opinion) when she says it was quiet when you weren't there?

5. Is this statement true?
(So as a child, before you had to do any 'adult work'(raising people) you were a jovial child happy go lucky, class clown in training? Then you had to raise people so you got more serious and quiet... now you're back to being jovial and happy go lucky (when you're at home)?)

6.If that bit is true... is there a difference between your jovial, energy, when you were a child? Like would you say there's an overage to your jovial self, now? Like whether you realize it or not a part of you might be trying to hard to be jovial...or,...no overage, jovial comes natural.

7.You don't go out because you don't want to? Or because you already know you're not going to have a good time because you'll spend it having to pretend you're happy... that's why you don't want to go out...

Meaning; if you knew that you could go out tonight and you knew you were going to have a great time, like crystal ball, knew the future...would you?

Okay, I think that's it for now except for the sister friend thing like I said...I'll stew on that a bit.
In the meantime if you have extra time but, no pressure you might check out a couple of the posts (look up Tealeaves, they are under my name) that I wrote. Don't quote me but I think 'what if 4 and maybe 5'... and then also 'try me'. Don't feel like you have to... it's just some extra insight like the one that's about functionalist...I got a feeling you'll probably relate to it.
I think the first line is advocating for the functionalist... he wouldn't believe how much they are ridiculed and treated like they have no feelings... oh wait yeah I'll bet you would believe it.
Lol see what I did there haha
Anyway I wish you luck with your studies and look forward to conversing with you... whenever you get the chance. :)

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Fri Jan 13, 2023 11:51 pm

I just saw your little message that you sent about the ugliness in the world. Good for you on seeing the beauty as well as seeing the pain... it's important not to let yourself be desensitized. As well as oddly enough there's Beauty ...in ugliness.

Hi yes just more confirmation though that I Know Who You Are lol you are a functionalist my dear ...or, at least really showing that side. But we'll get into that later hopefully, within the next few days I'll be posting a general Forum post about the emotionless and functionalist it's going to really shine a light for the entire world if I'm right

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Sat Jan 14, 2023 4:32 am

Alright, first of all, no worries, reply when you have the time to. And I read two of your posts, "Try me" and "What if 5" I think it was, and I can see what you mean, I still need to wrap my head around it though, to think about it a bit more.

I'll just get right to it. I'm a girl, by the way:) I'm not offended or anything, I'm just curious why you thought I was a guy:) or if I misunderstood, I'm sorry.

Now.

1. This I can't really explain, I can tell you what people have told me about me. Basically they can't read me very well and I am very....how should I put it, not factual because they know I'm emotional and sensitive I just don't look like I am emotional. My appearance and expressions and my calm tone of voice makes me, apparently, cold. I don't open up or talk about myself a lot and that adds to it. And I keep my distance from everyone so I guess that's also it.

2. No, I don't think it's about dry humour or anything like that. I guess it has to do with how I am, and again, I am a know-it-all as you said, at least that's how people perceive me I think I'm quite far of being that smart. I don't know what that's about. I honestly think it might be that in some moments I my so called "mask" falls off and I appear more serious than I intend to be.
And that other thing with the parent, I honestly don't know what to tell you because I have lost sight of who I am. I simply have no idea who I am. What is me? When I'm alone I feel nothing, when I'm with someone I feel whatever makes them feel comfortable and like you said makes me feel like I belong. So I can't really give you a straight answer.

3. Regarding relationships, I'll give you two about my friends because I really don't have any other ones. The worst is about this best friend of mine, 14 years indeed in which we had good times indeed, but most of it was play pretend. The stuff we told to each other, the way she uses me just so I tell her stuff she knows so she can accept them, and don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping her I like helping others a lot, but when I need her once in a blue moon she ignores me. And it hurts. Now onto my best, there's a friend that I'm really close to and she just accepts me the way I am. Gloomy and all. She doesn't mind when I drop the mask, she understands.

4. She does it out of spite, mostly, I know that, but I think she's telling the truth. She's a teen, she goes out, she enjoys herself, I'm more cautious than even our parents so I know I can be tiring but I just want her to be safe. I don't talk to her anyway, only when I go home once every 3 or 4 months. I thought about her going through something, but she can't lie or hide stuff, she's too expressive. I know it's a bit bad of me to think like this, but I do know her. If she's going through something I would know at least something. So I know she just gets tired of me after some time.

5. I guess I should have explained more clearly. I am like that when I am at home because it's what my family is comfortable with. "Raising people" is what I said because it felt like that because my parents acted more like immature children than I did at times. And taking care of my sisters was part of growing up because we didn't have it that easy. Being the eldest I went through the toughest but I won't detail because I don't really feel like exposing myself that much. But no, I can't really give you an answer regarding being me. I am and I feel whatever people feel like they are comfortable around. If the mask drops, then they say I am gloomy, or sad, or mean or not well.

6. I think every part of me is trying too hard. Because any social interaction feels tiring. Nothing comes easy to me anymore. Even these masks I keep talking about, I care less and less and stop pretending. I do think I am somehow age regressing, because at 20 years old I get attached to plushes and blankets and toys and watching freaking cartoons for crying out loud. I feel like a child.

7. I don't want to because I know that even if I do have a good time, I get tired really easily and I don't want to spoil people's fun. Even if I did know I would have a good time, I wouldn't go because after having fun I regret it and I feel guilt and pain.

That's all I have tome for today. I hope you're doing ok, till next time:)

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Tue Jan 17, 2023 1:15 pm

Hey Bears! Actually I think I had it wrong I think it was what if...9
I actually have to fix all that stuff. I have some old posts on here from a couple years ago before I kind of went offline with this site. Unfortunately all the different what ifs and the try me are just random things that need to be organized but even more unfortunately I am not an organized type person lol it's part of the reason I started the YouTube channel... so not organized.

Oh well, on with the show!

Lol oops, my bad, I actually searched the message to see when I referred to you as a male. I usually keep it genderless. I think the name, bears, got me. I think of bears in a more masculine way (blame it on my long ago ex, he identified with bears, so it's my automatic go to lol and my son is around your age and in college...so I almost picture him)...well not anymore

Actually, that's helpful to know because now I have to reread some stuff...that info might change some of the context. For example, the touch stuff...i can more so see that as a problem for guys...not girls. Not to stereotype but, guys usually don't have a problem getting all handsy but...i guess it really comes down to what kind of touch it is for you. Sexual touch, guys are all over it (it's okay, it's nature) but emotional touch...well it comes in time...especially at that age.

So some of that may be sibling thing, especially sisters. She may be trying to create her own identity, in your parents eyes(because you were the star child) and when your around, you outshine her.

( I wonder what your parents say to her ...about you ...when you are not around. You know sometimes we can't admit something to the actual person...that kind of thing)( or it could just be a feeling that your sister gets from your parents/family)

Moving on
Being called a know-it-all, isn't necessarily because of being smart. Sometimes, we are called that simply because we are acting, smart. (Trust me, few people have called me that too) almost like we've put an air about ourself... that makes us seem, uppity, or know-it-all.
Lol I can't tell you how many times people have thought that I was a bot, simply because I use grammar and punctuation, not always correctly but they don't know that.

The other reason is delivery. Typically, we think of people, that speak quietly, evenly, with a somber tone and/or, rarely speak...as having something important to say...like factual. They might be talking about their shoes not fitting right but, to everyone else that are having to lean in and listen (not hear) they could saying the answers to the mysteries of the universe... Yes they are that focused on you.
There are also, a number of other things, it could be as well. Who knows if it's really a concern for you give me some examples and I'll be able to possibly shed some more light on it.

So how you're feeling right now...(generally) you know this isn't you... this person that you keep portraying this is not you... and yet, it must be you because that's what you keep acting like.
You feel so far gone from what you originally were you don't even remember what you were.
Here's an exercise for you or task...lol homework but, when you get the chance. Next time you go home, find your baby pictures, videos etc. Either bring them back to college with you or take pictures.

Here's why... if I ask you to recall what you were like when you were as young as you can remember... you'll answer with a few things but then your mind will probably blank a little. Some of that blanking is normal, most of us don't remember that much from our youth... but some of it might be your brain trying to protect you by making you forget. Is gonna sound a little backwards again... but it's that overprotective parent thing..."if my baby doesn't remember, what she used to be like...then she can't be hurt, being whom she is now."
For as much as one part of your brain knows you need to get back to the truth of whom you really are... and another part of your brain is working in the opposite direction trying to make you okay with the new you... but sadly, since it's not the truth and, it does not make sense


So one of the biggest problems, no matter what started the depression or, keeps things going... is the functional side of your brain...our brains.
That is what is holding on to the depression.
Remember the movie ET? Remember when Elliot fakes being sick? He knew what he had to do... feel like he had a high temperature and make sure that thermometer read a high temperature...and how? Because he had been sick before. He had had a fever before... and his mind remembered that, so it knew how to recreate the same symptoms. Now his brain didn't need to go overboard he just needed to fool his mom for five minutes but, still the idea came from his brain, he was only able to pull it off because his brain remembered.

We all have times when we are sad even depressed and our brains... like the greatest actors in the entire world... remembers. And when life gets too tough for us consciously or there's something else, like a thorn in our subconscious... then to get a break, or to figure things out or, just stay confused... the brain recreates depression.
Now the only way to change that is to give the same part of your brain that is using depression... a better reason why it shouldn't. ( not just a reason a better reason it has to become number one because that's how the functional side works...its selfish)
And good luck with that because what you think would be a good reason...like... depression sucks, makes me tired, makes me not have a life... isn't necessarily a good enough reason for that part of your brain. Remember it's already being the overprotective parent...that just wants to protect its sweet little innocent baby... 'No my baby's too sick, it won't be in school today.'

And you can't tell it or say what if to it because the functional side is ...the what is side... not what if. Seeing is believing.

Of course that doesn't mean that there aren't ways. There are people out there whom have suffered from depression and seem to kind of have beaten it... they are few and far between. There are also those out there that have not beaten it but they've got it down to a much more tolerable state, to the point that they can live their life.

I was watching a show with my dad the other day, bonanza, gunsmoke... yeah one of those. In this episode a girl and her brother moved to the little town. Brother has a drink, play cards and lose all the money...problem. Some nice guy, saves her brother from a fight and brings him back to their hotel. Shortly after the sister and the nice guy start seeing each other.
Not long after that her brother comes home drunk again and she says, gently, that's it, I'm done and you are out.
(Why the change? Well I'm sure you can guess ...she's falling for the guy.
The old information in her brain that she could not change no matter how many times she wanted to change it, after seeing her brother come home, in different states of problem... was now able to change.)
Now I don't really don't know what happened in the rest of the show because I had to leave and run errands but the point is... things were only able to be changed because the change made sense but... not to her... it made sense to something deep inside her... the functional side.

That is one of the reasons why there will probably never be a cure to depression... because if you truly look at depression as a mechanism... even generally you can see the...we'll say positive side to it.
...And the brain is not wrong...
If you're throwing up... then your work says "you're sick so don't come in." So no work.

But if you say you're just needing a break, need to figure some things out... and there's nothing wrong with you...
well then there's no reason for you to skip out on work... skip out and going out with friends ...skip out on going to school ....skip out on life.

We are only allowed to have a break from life when we are sick... depression is considered a sickness.
For as backwards as it may seem, can you see the brain's reasoning?

Now as I said earlier I'm not done looking at the stuff. I do have some more questions but I just wanted to at least get this posted for now.
( actually I didn't say that but I'm saying it now lol)

In the meantime... I have a little bit of homework for you. I need to establish who you were.
(As mentioned above)

(Know now, that you will most likely never reclaim whom it was that you were supposed to be... but that's okay, a new normal is an okay thing... as long as you can live... that's the goal here)

So the homework, plus tell me, your involvement with electronic devices ( this is just from my own research)
Computers, phones, etc. How often are you around them, holding them, using them... compared to the yesterday years?
And the house that you grew up in... was it old? Possibly old electricity wiring?

And as always,
I will be waiting for a reply but no pressure take your time I'm on here almost every day, because I have been in the chat room... mostly observing... a little bit trying to help. Oh sometimes I just want to scream but ...eh...  it wouldn't do any good.

So, I won't say that some people, I believe enjoy having depression because they already know it's their brain making the greatest excuse... lol no I would never say that about anyone.
Who knows, soon they'll be calling me the crazy one!

Sorry I'm in a mood and a bit sleepy

Good luck and... and until next time bears!

---------------------------------------------------------
(((( there's extra that is not posted

The other thing is...her mind might be a little confused. You said you were like a parent to her and during that time, her mind was only focused on the right now but...now that time has passed, now the back of her mind is doing some thinking and it might...might be trying to figure out...are you parent or sister. Her mind probably says duh, sister and yet...it still argues parent. It's a possibility but that really depends on, how much of a parent, how long and other factors. We can discuss it further, if you feel that is answer.


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