I don't know

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Thu Feb 09, 2023 5:31 pm

Thanks so much for replying, I just got a bit anxious and panicked for a little. I'm in a weird place right now, because all that too emotional and crying non stop subsided and I'm numb, I guess. More than usual. I also get these random bursts of energy late at night and it's messing with my head.

But anyways...about that one friend, and no more about her after that, I'm just tired. I still help her, she still writes me when she needs help but that's about it. She needs help, I give it, I don't ask any more questions, I keep my distance. Because no matter what I do, good or bad, share my feelings or not, she believes whatever she wants, she's always the victim and I'm the bad guy. I have my flaws, plenty of them, I'm working on them, I really am trying, but I'm really tired of just playing the therapist and then I'm the bad one. So whenever her message about how much she's done and how good she's been will come, because it will, sooner or later, that's how she is, I'll just ignore it and move on with my life. Those kinds of people love the sound of their own voices and they can't hear much else. There is something with her, as you said, she knows, but she won't face it. And I know it's hard and a long and difficult process, but we are the responsible ones for our own change, you can't just expect people to do however you please. But, like I said, enough about her.

About my other friend, we met in high school. We'll call him Joe for convenience. We got closer in German class, and hit it off. I honestly don't remember how we got here, but we just got really close. But he's lived an uneventful life. Not in a bad way, not at all. You know those people that just shine? Like, you can tell they are good and kind and have had a good life. That's him. He cares about his friends and people take advantage of his kindness many times. And I haven't been doing well mentally for the past two years. I had this really dark time when it just, everything blurred together and at some point I went grocery shopping and an old friend wrote to me later that day and asked if I was okay because I looked a bit rough. And somehow I ended up talking to Joe and he kept probing and asking if I'm okay and I kept denying but at some point I just got tired and told him what I felt in the moment: that I seriously thought about ending it. But he's too....I mean it's not his fault, because he told me to think about my friends, about my family and how that would affect them. The only ones I care about when it comes to this matter, few as they are, are my sisters and parents. I don't want my sisters to be the ones who have a dead sister, by suicide no less. Anyways, that was his answer. And he simply doesn't understand that when your parents aren't ready to have children you basically grow up together. I am an extension of my parents, the product of their ''experimentation' with kids. He doesn't know how it is to be afraid to open your mouth because you might set some reaction, you can't cry or you'd be given a reason to cry, he doesn't know how it is to be a sexual object for grown ass men just because your breasts grew. Most of the things I listed, he's not really aware of them. We see something on the news that's similar to this and he'd turn around and ask me "Does this happen in real life?". And I just...yes, it happens in real life. He's just innocent. He knows in theory, but the look on his face when things like these are mentioned is just....as if he's looking at an alien. He's one of my roommates by the way. When I'm irritated or have a bad period of time I go out of my way to avoid him because that look that he shoots me is just....I can't stand it. He aced his finals, I'm really glad for him because he's worked hard and he deserves it, but I've come to despise this, as you know, and that look, that freaking look just....anyways... That's it, basically. That's why I avoid talking to him about any of it. He gives me the response that any person who doesn't know how to react would. And I don't want to be the one to break his bubble and be like "yeah, there are people who go through worse than I did and the world is more than just a secure future and rainbows and sunshine".

My mom noticed I was feeling bad the other day. I was about to cry so I avoided eye contact and hung up on her. She's trying but...well. I don't want her to know this. Because I know how she is. And she's happy, her and my dad are doing good, my sisters too. I won't bother them.

So I honestly can't remember clearly at what age that started happening. Because now I've realized that I acted like some sort of observer, I didn't really get involved in anything unless I had to or I felt like it. It was weird if I think about it. I think this has to do with the fact I didn't have many friends my age because I was mostly all the time with adults or teenagers. But I digress. The one I can clearly remember is somewhere around 6 or 7 years old. I used to draw...OH my god...I just realized...Before I learned how to write properly I used to draw things I didn't want to talk about and give to my parents. Or grandparents or whomever. I completely forgot about it. After I learned how to properly write, about 2nd grade or so, I think 8 or 9 years old, I used to write letters. Some were really formal. I don't know why. They would start with "Dear Mom" and I would sign them at the bottom. Even if I just needed money for something at school...I can't believe I forgot about it all. I just felt like I was having so many emotions at once like I had so much to tell but I couldn't put it into words no matter how hard I tried. I hope I said it as clearly as possible. I've been getting headaches lately and I'm not really coherent at times.

I realized something a few days ago. My dog died two years ago on February 14th. He had this habit of wandering off but he would come home in a few hours and the neighborhood we lived in was friendly so we weren't worried. For a bit of context, I grew up surrounded by pets. This one, however, this particular dog just...I don't know why, he just made his way into my heart like no other pet ever did. Whenever I felt bad he would come and put his head in my lap or on my belly and sigh loudly. He wanted pets on the head when he did that. He would fall asleep like that and wouldn't move no matter what until I fell asleep as well or calmed down. He was a big boy. We used to play hide and seek and he would be so gentle with other smaller dogs or cats. he wouldn't leave my side and even if he was big he was a scaredy cat. And one day, when he didn't come home, my mom went looking for him. I still remember the look on her face when she came back. She'd been crying and I think I remember yelling no or something along those lines and... I haven't felt that amount of pain until then or since. Maybe it's stupid because it's a pet, just an animal, but for me...that dog was my best friend. When you're as lonely as me and as ignored and cast aside, a pet like that is just...I loved him with my whole being. I haven't been well for a few months then. It was bad... I miss him. But ever since he passed, I don't know...I kind of changed. And not in a good way.

Anyway, I hope it makes sense what I rambled about. And thank you, once again. I hope you're doing well.

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Mon Feb 13, 2023 3:59 pm

Hey I just wanted to send you this message because I want you to know I'll be on here all day tomorrow. I will be on the forums, I'll be in the chat room. If you come on here and you don't see me on the forums then just come to the chat room and just say tea leaves to the room. I'll hear you and we can either stay there in our own little private room and chat or we can come back here to the forums. I'm saying that to you because I'm here for you. Tomorrow is going to be a rough day for you.. and I'm here for you. The first thing you're going to think of is to close it on yourself that's over-functionalizing, not really a good thing. I'd love to hear stories about your dog but if you don't feel like talking about him we can talk about anything else you want we can sit and stare at each other in the room ( of course I mean that figuratively) but also kind of not it's weird when you go into those private message rooms you're like in your own little world and nobody bothers you.
Anyway I'm really hoping you see this message. If you're busy and you got stuff going on that's totally cool but if not stop in and talk to me...please. I'm here for you. I care about you bears I care about you and you're very important I want you to know that... actually I have something personal to share with you. I got permission from somebody so I'm kind of excited to tell you but it is something personal so I won't be putting it on the Forum. I hope I hear from you and like I said if you're busy with stuff tomorrow that's cool but if not... stop in and see me I need a 'bear' hug : )

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Tue Feb 14, 2023 3:09 pm

Hi! Wanted to let you know I saw your post and feel free to pm me. I think you can do that, right? I don't know if I have to have so setting on.

You were right, it is weird...I mean, the pain fron two years ago kind of dissipated... I don't remember him much anyway and hate myself for it. Speaking of, have you ever had the feeling that whenever you're sad, you can't remember how other feelings feel? I know it's weird, I hope it makes sense, but with every emotion, for that matter, I can't seem to remember how other feelings feel.

I'm alone for the time being. My roommates went home. zi didn't want to go, it's too tiring, and my grandma would pester me about losing weight...

I haven't slept for the past 24 hours. Those bursts of energy come and go.

And that "friend" contacted me again. Just out of nowhere. I feel bad now... Anyways, I'm really curious about what you have to tell me, and I know that maybe it's stupid because I am just a kid still, but I am here if you need me and if I can help in any way.

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Sun Feb 19, 2023 8:11 pm

Welp...I don't know what to say...my birthday is a week away and I can already feel how I'll cry.

I've been alone since Tuesday, one of my roommates got back yesterday. In the past week, I realised how peaceful it is to leave alone. It's lonely, but I feel that way even when I'm around people so... I had nothing in the fridge at some point. No food. And there's this weird thing that happens when I don't get out of the house for a while. When i do get out, I get really bad anxiety. Everything is overwhelming, my heart beating in my ears, I get sweaty and hot and red and I can barely do anything. So I rush. Even though I know nothing will happen to me. I'm aware that it's stupid to act like that but i simply can't stop myself. It's so irrational I just feel like punching myself.

Uni is supposed to start in a week as well. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've entered this state of mind where I can't even take the trash out. I'm scared... And once again, I am well aware of how irrational this is, and even though I end up doing what I'm supposed to do, I detach myself so much to a point where I think that everything is a dream. How am I supposed to live like that? What will I do? I gate routine but I despise change. I like being alone but I hate myself for being so isolated but at the same time I can't stand crowds.

What in the world am I supposed to do? For the few days I've been alone, I kept thinking of maybe just...doing it. Lock myself in the room, get all of the pills that I could from my roommates room and just...leave a note on the door or something. I didn't want my roommate to see me like that though. I can't live but I can't bring myself to die....I am good for basically nothing. How in the hell am I supposed to live? How?

What have I done to deserve living like this? Am I just supposed to go to my parents who just want me to go to college to have a better future and tell them that I feel like I'm going insane? They can't afford me being like this. I can't afford being like this. What the hell do I do?....

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Tue Feb 21, 2023 12:24 pm

I don't know how I explain this in a way that it makes sense. So, I've always had this thing. When I get really tired, I kind of get sleep drunk. I think that's the best way to put it. Wither I wake up and I do really stupid stuff, like, I fought with my sister once because she turned the tv up and I got mad but I was sleeping and I don't know why I did that because I remember a tiny part of the interaction but not the entire thing. And I would wake up and remember nothing else. And I also reply to conversations and talk to people but honestly it's just gibberish. I'm fully awake and I see what I'm doing but for some reason I still end up writing the most stupid thing in the world. That's why I don't want to say that this is some sort of case of sleepwalking or whatever.
Anyway, my point is, since I've had this bad period of time for the last couple of months, I am now experiencing this again and it's driving me insane. I'm not like that. I don't lose control of what I do and say, I'm always careful. And now it's literally as if my head's in the clouds....It's just weirding me out. My sleep schedule is very... not ok, and probably that's to blame as well but I really do feel like my head's just been creating a mind of it's own and working against me. Thought that might sound...I don't really know why I wrote this. I'm all over the place...

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Sun Feb 26, 2023 4:50 pm

Uni starts tomorrow, and what a coincidence, my birthday is tomorrow as well. In 15 minutes, actually, and I already feel awful. My grandma called yesterday to wish me a happy birthday because she wanted to be the first, my parents called today and some of their friends wished me a happy birthday as well. And I was on the verge of tears. I don't know why I despise my birthday so much. Just being the centre of attention and receiving good wishes and all that, and not from many people at that, just family and 2 or 3 friends, but I absolutely hate it and I end up crying. And it's so frustrating because I have no idea why I feel like this. I should be grateful, shouldn't I? They care enough to remember my birthday and to tell me nice things, yet I wish they'd just leave me alone. This might sound mean and selfish, but I honestly don't see the point of it all.

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I don't know

Postby Tealeaves » Thu Mar 02, 2023 11:54 am

Oh bears, I'm sorry. We've been private messaging and I did not even think to look in the Forum... sadly I get scatterbrained too... very easily. ( it's the emotionalist in me trying to do too many things and trying to appease to many people and even when I get overwhelmed I keep doing it.)

So the sleep thing..
There's all kinds of reasons for that one of the biggest ones being when you're tired, mind and body.. you need sleep. If not our mind and body, backfires. In your case there's such a need to stay awake not just a want but a need (remember need is like life and death) that's some part of you is staying awake while another part of you is asleep.

So there was something that I didn't explain in the what if post.
I explained that there were the two sides the emotional functional but then it gets a little bit more involved. There are two sides to the functional and there are two sides to the emotional. That's why you can meet something but also need not have it.. that's why a person can be in an abusive relationship because they need that person but at the same time they know they are an abusive relationship because they need not be in it.
Same goes for the emotional side there's two sides that as well... want and not want... as well as all the rest of the definitions that go to those two sides.
You ever had those feelings like you're being pulled in two different directions at the same time... having two sides to both the sides... is what allows us to cope with that.
So now for a moment I want you to think that one half of your functional is asleep and one half of your emotional is asleep. So your body can still operate function but incorrectly. And it can still use emotional attachment and other things from the emotional side but it's doing it incorrectly.

In other words as if you don't already know this when you're tired you got to get sleep. The difficulties being able to convince your brain that that's what it needs to do. Because oddly enough, sometimes, you're probably laying down when it happens. How do I know this because, I've been there too. No it's not my main sleep issue... that's actually talking in my sleep as if I'm reading stories to people... that hasn't been confirmed. I didn't think it was happening originally until I had a dream about it.. the girl in my dream she spoke in her sleep but she spoke as if she was actually telling you a story, as it was happening. Her voice was so quiet you couldn't tell she was talking unless you were right next to her and even then you couldn't tell all the words she was saying because sometimes they didn't come through as sound. The people in the dream had to create a special device to be able to hear not only what she would say in the very quiet voice but even the things that you couldn't hear because the sound hadn't quite gotten all the way through, but had so enough that, the special machine could pick it up.
Anyway, after that particular dream I woke up and realized I wasn't just having these very fantastic, very involved, complex and detailed dreams but that I was actually talking in my sleep, telling them as they happened.

So anyway yes our brains have funny ways of getting our attention.

Was talking to someone the other day about dreams that they were having. They're being very blessed about it and I said you don't understand sometimes the dreams are just dreams and then sometimes that's the brain trying to tell you something. Think of the part of your brain is just being a very shy person... and it can only communicate at certain times in certain ways but ..what it has to say is very important... so listen up.
I still don't think that person quite gets it but I won't give up.

Oddly enough I met someone on here the other day who originally seemed to be a functionalist but I knew there was something not quite right about it. After talking for a while I realized why. They're what I call at least at this time a switched person or flipped... meaning they were born one that became the other. It's similar to what's happened to you but your brain is very aware that something's not right. This other person...they're not. There were something's not right but they just keep on. They just keep accepting the what is in a way that their mind was never meant to. I guess you could say that person's become kind of a fan of mine (their words) I said a couple things that just clicked I guess... and that's all it took and all the sudden that person's walls are coming down. And right now seems like a positive thing but I'm very short time it's going to not be... I have to catch them before they fall... not to stop them from falling but just to let them know the fall is okay. It's kind of like letting someone know it's okay to cry.. your mind and body actually needs to go through that.
It's funny this person seems like they're ready, after just a couple conversations, to pack up and move all their operations closer to me so that they can help me with this theory. It's quite flattering and I do receive several compliments. However wonderful it may seem there's two reasons that concern me. One, the person is simply delusional they're in such need for something that makes sense they will go for anything...or two, I really do make sense lol
I gave that person permission to make a copy of our conversation. I'm really excited actually to look at that copy; if and when; I am legally allowed to do so. I'm curious. If it really really did happen it will happen in that first conversation and the funny thing is it could have been a few words that... neither I nor that other person even realize, were the real keys to the unlocking. I have high hopes for that person I think that they know they want to make some changes and want to realize what happened to being with... but more so what can life be now.

Okay so enough about me let's get back to you.. because if you let me I will talk about me all day long... then I'll start sharing the dreams... it'll get messy and long.. trust me nobody needs me steal any stages.. I'm really good at that even though that's actually a natural thing for me... we'll avoid it for now.

So Bears... pretend like you took everything that you owned boxed it all up, then like something out of Harry Potter all those boxes magically lifted up started moving around mixing themselves up and then just dump everywhere randomly... that my dear Bears is what's happening to your brain.
After all this time years of you having to live inside of a box that has all its Corners exactly where you expect it, everything that you need to be and to do is in that box all your perfection all you're carefully laid plans everything, in it's perfect little place in that box and ...now the walls are coming down. Because you're not meant to live in a box like that and your brain knows it.
So now all those emotions and secrets that you kept boxed for so long are starting to come out. Sometimes you'll get really angry sometimes you'll get really dreamy sometimes you'll just have a fog about you that you can't tell what you're really feeling.
Sadly enough whereas all this is normal it's not easy to handle. It's like tearing away old wallpaper. After years and years of people just wallpapering the same wall over and over again with different wallpaper, you start seeing those layers all those individual layers, in their different states of decay.
Well your mind is pulling back all those layers.. there's some of that wallpaper was real pretty some of that wallpaper was more like what were you thinking some of that wallpaper is that's just plain disgusting... but it's all your wallpaper darling. Every layer has made you who you are, good, bad and ugly. But don't be frightened by it... it's still just you.
Years ago, when I was a little girl under 10, I helped my aunt with a college paper she had to write about a book that she read called the yellow wallpaper... yes even back then I loved to play with the mind lol
Anyway it just reminded me of that... the wallpaper thing. ( I told you if you let me talk about myself I won't stop lol)

Oh bears, there's a lot of people out there who feel that way about birthdays. Of course there's the obvious reasons they're getting older older means death is getting closer not to mention all the things that happen before death the body breaking down falling apart the mind.. kind of scary when you think about it actually... so don't lol I know I know will you just said it now I'm thinking it.. what did you think was going to happen when you said it?

But of course one of the biggest reasons is, why celebrate when you don't feel like celebrating... and celebrate what another year of confusion in your own head and not knowing what's going on or what to expect... I get it.
Unfortunately that's just sometimes how it goes. And once the day passes then it's passed.

The other reason of course is that some people just do not like the idea of getting older period. I have a friend who is going to be 29 for the rest of her life.
On our 29th birthday she said that's it I'm not going to age anymore. I said well that's great so when I'm 90 years old you're going to be 29 still? She said yep.

And yes of course your family and friends cared enough to say happy birthday to you because you do matter to them.. it's tough for you to see sometimes because attachments hurt so your brain wants to detach you, in order to protect you... sadly doing that is just actually hurting you more but your brain doesn't know that. It's trying to fix the problem what is right here right now. It's not looking at the 'what if' I do need to stay attached 'what if' I do need to care.

Well anyway that's it for now I'll get back to this in a bit... I actually had stuff that was supposed to come before this that I was supposed to say I am so unorganized bears oh you don't know I need a personal assistant it's funny this person that I was telling you about earlier they're basically offering to be a personal assistant.
At some point I have to be a big girl put the big girl pants on and turn my computer on...that thing freaks me out every time

Anyway for now I just wanted to say that and I'll get back to you some more later keep using the Forum keep putting stuff out there I'm reading it ... and maybe some others too
Bye bears

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Sat Mar 04, 2023 9:11 am

Hello! I don't know what to say...I'm in a bad place again and I feel like nothing honestly. I feel nothing too. It's always so strange. I am aware that this comfort of my room is what keeps me from getting better but I don't have the guts to stop being comfortable. The sun doesn't help either, I freaking hate this sunny weather it makes me feel like crap. I'm tired and there's so much to do....

bears
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:13 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby bears » Wed Apr 12, 2023 5:27 pm

I don't think I've ever felt this lonely in my entire life.... Granted, it isn't that long, but....I don't know what in the world to do anymore. I feel hopeless and helpless. I really am as lost as a human being can be. I don't think I want to die, but it seems to be the only solution I can think of. I lack the courage to do it, but I don't think it'll be much longer... I really just want for this to end. I'm tired of being me and of living.


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