i woke up and russ had gone ,the flames were all around me
Posted: Sun May 10, 2009 2:53 pm
i opened my eyes ,iwas still in russ,s room but he was,nt here ,the visitor was still in the doorway .
i was awake and had to go to work ,but i felt differant ,i was in the dark place were i can find comfort
in times of great sadness something had changed it felt colder ,a great expanse of nothing apart from,
a bed and a doorway and the ever presant visitor ,im confused now ,is this russ,s dark sentinal or is
it mine .both the same but in differant times ,i got up and made a drink before work ,my wife asked ,
if i was ok ,yeah just tired i replied ,i could feel the tears lapping at the back of my eyes ,mus,ent
let them out .she new the flesh and blood was there ,but the soul was in a differant place ,she wont push it,
she knows i cant hurt her .Even at work i drifted through the day theres a fear inside ,i have felt it
before 7 years ago ,i was on the edge of madness,and the lithium saved me .i couldent help feeling
something else was coming ,russ was always there asleep when i had these episodes and i had felt
comfort in the sadness,but not this time .im alone and scared in this cold ,i can even feel it on my body ,
and not just in my mind ,i cryed a little at work ,but no,one saw ,i finished work and returned home ,
we had sunday lunch ,and i told my wife i had headace and would lay down for a sleep .im still overcome
by feelings of absolute sadness but as i close the curtains the darkness shows me no comfort only an ,
uncertain fear the room feels colder now ,no russ ,the visitor ever present no gestures or comments ,
the room is visible now,no walls just furniture floating in the darkness my eyes sting ,but not with tears
smoke invisible smoke in my nostrels and lungs ,i look to the door ,the visitor bathed in an ever britening
amber glow .i can hear my mothers screams and the neibours shouts .im surrounded by flames now ,
the room still cold has a window now ,the record player i had as a child melts into a pool of hot plastic
and drips into nowere ,i go to the window ,russ is out there looking up towards me his mouth moving ,
but i cant hear the words he shouts to me ,my mother moves towards russ now hand pointing ,you did this
i remember those words ,and her face the fear and hate in her eyes ,everyone has gone now ,the room
enveloped in darkness once more ,and russ is laid beside me again ,alone with his sadness in his thirty two,
year sleep ,was he saying i destroyed you to ,its clear now ,i destroyed my young self all those years ago
but as a boy ,he destroyed the man he would become ,and he suffers as i do.locked in his own time with his,
own demon ,so when such times arise and we breifly stand together i will tell him i love him,and will always
be here for him ,i will reach out and catch his fall,we are one but we cant be together . xn728
i was awake and had to go to work ,but i felt differant ,i was in the dark place were i can find comfort
in times of great sadness something had changed it felt colder ,a great expanse of nothing apart from,
a bed and a doorway and the ever presant visitor ,im confused now ,is this russ,s dark sentinal or is
it mine .both the same but in differant times ,i got up and made a drink before work ,my wife asked ,
if i was ok ,yeah just tired i replied ,i could feel the tears lapping at the back of my eyes ,mus,ent
let them out .she new the flesh and blood was there ,but the soul was in a differant place ,she wont push it,
she knows i cant hurt her .Even at work i drifted through the day theres a fear inside ,i have felt it
before 7 years ago ,i was on the edge of madness,and the lithium saved me .i couldent help feeling
something else was coming ,russ was always there asleep when i had these episodes and i had felt
comfort in the sadness,but not this time .im alone and scared in this cold ,i can even feel it on my body ,
and not just in my mind ,i cryed a little at work ,but no,one saw ,i finished work and returned home ,
we had sunday lunch ,and i told my wife i had headace and would lay down for a sleep .im still overcome
by feelings of absolute sadness but as i close the curtains the darkness shows me no comfort only an ,
uncertain fear the room feels colder now ,no russ ,the visitor ever present no gestures or comments ,
the room is visible now,no walls just furniture floating in the darkness my eyes sting ,but not with tears
smoke invisible smoke in my nostrels and lungs ,i look to the door ,the visitor bathed in an ever britening
amber glow .i can hear my mothers screams and the neibours shouts .im surrounded by flames now ,
the room still cold has a window now ,the record player i had as a child melts into a pool of hot plastic
and drips into nowere ,i go to the window ,russ is out there looking up towards me his mouth moving ,
but i cant hear the words he shouts to me ,my mother moves towards russ now hand pointing ,you did this
i remember those words ,and her face the fear and hate in her eyes ,everyone has gone now ,the room
enveloped in darkness once more ,and russ is laid beside me again ,alone with his sadness in his thirty two,
year sleep ,was he saying i destroyed you to ,its clear now ,i destroyed my young self all those years ago
but as a boy ,he destroyed the man he would become ,and he suffers as i do.locked in his own time with his,
own demon ,so when such times arise and we breifly stand together i will tell him i love him,and will always
be here for him ,i will reach out and catch his fall,we are one but we cant be together . xn728