Surviving the day

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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ISA02
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2022 4:48 pm

Surviving the day

Postby ISA02 » Thu Jul 28, 2022 5:25 pm

For background, when i was younger i got abused in secret for years by this person. There was physical, emotional, psychological violence and abuse .. i was also raped in various times.
My family is kinda.. especial, since i can remember a big part of their behavior towards me was about making fun of me, the way i dress, talk, walk, look etc. They would share anything they heard about me and scold me when i "did something wrong"
I lost all trust in them, so i never told them about the abuse, i never got correct psychological help, the only time i got professional help was mostly to get my results and diagnosis. Basically i got diagnosed with depression, heavy anxiety problems, and other problems I'm not gonna mention right now, but i also made really bad decisions i can't fix because of it, its one of my biggest regrets

As i grew up, i got used to being depressed, i was in a depression pit, and my family came to the conclusion that i was angry and just being rude for some reason, they never talked with me about this, they just got mad at me for my "awful behavior", i tried talking to my step dad about this, at the time, i already tried suicide 2 times and had plans of trying suicide again, i told him about my depression, anxiety and thoughts, he just hugged me and said "everything is ok", i thought i was being heard, i felt happy, but nothing never happened, he went back to behave the same as before, same thing with my mom. I remember once i got a talk with my whole family, i thought i would talk about everything, but they just wanted me to chance my behavior, when i tried explaining, i remember my sister laughing at me while making awful comments and i felt humiliated, I just stayed silent.
i felt numb, but on the other side i felt so much awful things in my chest (where i mostly feel everything), my sleep schedule was messed up, i wouldn't eat because i thought i didn't deserve to eat, i rarely showered, i almost never changed clothes, i wouldn't clean my room, i would cry a lot, just feel like crap all day and other obvious behaviors my family never noticed as something not normal or worrying, they just thought I was lazy and yelled at me a lot, also, I've heard them talking a lot on my back, thinking i can't hear them, and all of the things they say... It just hurts.

My sister Also passed a heavy depression time, i used to care about her, always making sure she was okay, i would cry and pray for her to get better, to feel better, i would try my best to make her feel wanted, appreciated and loved. I'm not claiming to be a the best person ever, sometimes we would argue, but i tried my best to make her feel happy. when she got better, i felt so happy, but somehow she just turned her back on me and went to my family, she got close with my brothers and ignored me, i don't know what did I do, i tried several times to get close to her, to be her friend, but she doesn't want to... When i was in a depression pit, i didn't expect her to do something good, or treat me as i treat her or something, i didn't expect her to do something, and i was so hurt when she made so much fun of me, called me a lot of names and i heard her saying i was worthless.

I tried suicide for the third time a few weeks ago, i failed. And i feel bad right now, since then, its been hard to not try to think about killing myself, i feel like my body is so heavy, i have no energy, i feel empty and numb, and as before. I'm in a delicate moment and being alone its making it worse

adixon1122
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2022 10:50 am

Re: Surviving the day

Postby adixon1122 » Wed Aug 10, 2022 10:53 am

I just read your post and I totally understand how you're feeling. I really hope you're still here with us. Even though I don't know you, I care for you. I hope you see this message and know that there are people in your corner cheering you on.

Xx,
Alex

MercutioPDX
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Sep 18, 2022 10:18 pm

Re: Surviving the day

Postby MercutioPDX » Sun Sep 18, 2022 10:24 pm

My son turned four today, but my family is in a different state for a few months (mental health related). I miss my family so much, especially that birthday boy. Lost my job because of a mental health crisis, my fam had to go to her parents for the time being, since we'll loose housing very soon. I'm supposed to heal up, get a new job, then a new place to live so they can return. With where I'm at that feels like a lifetime and I don't feel strong enough to do this, especially alone. I miss my sweet boy. :(


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