I'm losing..

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Tue Mar 08, 2022 2:53 pm

I'm losing..

Postby C-L » Tue Mar 08, 2022 3:14 pm

I'm someone who likes control, and when I lose it I lose my mind. I've never been able to control my depression but being able to control little things kept me sane. Lately I haven't been able to do that. Everything I thought I had control of has slipped out of my grasp. Now I'm back where I started with this battle. I'm losing and I don't know how to fix it. I haven't felt like this sense I first earned this wonderful illness. I'm once again the numb nine year old I was before and it hurts. I keep trying to fight it off, taking my medicine, writing in my journal, painting, but NOTHING is working. What do I do now? Let it win? I'm not sure I'm strong enough to beat it this time. My depression, PTSD, anxiety, Insomnia, and chronic stress all formed when I was nine and I started understanding my feelings and understanding what was happening to me. My step dad raped me when I was six and he wouldn't stop and my mom told me I was the liar. Me? a little girl who didn't even understand what was happening to her lying? I was so confused and so I brushed it off. Until one day at school when kids were making sex noises and making jokes. Honestly I felt normal for once, maybe this happens to everyone? but when I asked and was told they heard it on tv I finally started to understand what was going on and that nine year old girl and six year old girl became one and I started to drift. I began to feel alone. It wasn't okay what he did and nobody believed me when I told. Every damn time I said something I was the bad guy. He didn't stop until I was 15. I then ran away and ended up back home. I started getting aggressive and began taking pills then pills turned into cutting my wrists and then it turned it to plotting my suicide. This went on for years until I met this girl and I fell in love with being around her and her family a real family. Then she let me go she said she hated being my friend. The spiral started again. Then a few weeks later I meant a girl and I was hesitant at first until her and her family invited me in. She was uncomfortable at first sharing her family but we became sisters not long after. I still feel like the girl staying the night but I love them. It was good I was happy and smiling. I'm not anymore depression just came back and the girls mom told me to get out of the past but he's there when I sleep and when I'm going to school and when I am just driving down the road. I can't escape what's still here. So I've started cutting again I just need to feel something. Anything I just want to feel. Is that so bad? I'm numb. I miss the me before him the me who was witty and outgoing now I want to sleep and never wake up. Maybe I'll die soon. I don't have the energy to keep fighting this time. I've used all the strength I have and it's not going away. I'm losing and honestly I think I've already lost. I really just wanted to vent for a moment.

Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2022 3:55 pm

Re: I'm losing..

Postby Davidmiller420 » Fri Nov 25, 2022 4:32 pm

Hi, Feeling sad about you. :cry: Can you let me know little bit more about you? About your country?
We know depression and anxiety are big problems and huge percentage of people facing with them at different stage.
however, We can discus about your pain and we can try to solve them. Let me do that once. Please.. Don't lose your hope. First thing is try to overcome your anxiety and depression. Contact to any therapist he may help you to overcome this bad feelings. Lot of stuff available on net free of cost that can help you to Stand up again. You can read depression control related book or article. For this be socialize. Make new friends that don't hurt your feelings. Don't over think about past life. focus on present. Just make a new Start of your life. Start physical activities like join any sports or gym club and start daily morning, evening long walk. Don't listen music specially sad songs that may convert your mind into sad feelings.
So, get in touch and don't lose hope stay motivated and strong.

Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2023 7:21 am

Re: I'm losing..

Postby CPayne » Thu Jan 12, 2023 2:19 pm

I am not someone who has all the answers, but just someone who feels sympathy and a bit of empathy for what you must be going through. It’s tough to stop hashing out the abusive treatment from your past. One reason we play these memories over in our minds is because, if it was actual abuse you experienced, then how come no one came to your rescue and made everything ok? It is hard to accept that you were simply wronged and it’s hard not to interpret that to mean in some way, you actually deserved it.
But you did not deserve to be abused. No one ever deserves it - being treated badly happens to good people all the time.
It can be super challenging to accept that you should treat yourself with love and respect when others did not.
To change this cycle, it helps to stop (or take breaks from) the voice playing the negative thoughts over and over in your mind. Living with these thoughts is negative, it consumes huge amounts of energy and can influence every decision you make in the present.
Change can be super hard because these thoughts can be used as a defense mechanism (I am not letting anyone hurt me ever again!), but this defensiveness colors our experiences, and we sometimes miss out because we are projecting bad outcomes before giving something a chance. We can sometimes derail a good situation before (to protect ourselves) it turns bad and hurts us once again.
Changing the damaged narrative in your head is easy to suggest, but very hard to accomplish. Advice that takes you out of your head space for a time can help you in dark moments.
People suggest getting outside and going on daily walks, exercising, or doing other things that regiment your time, and these things really can help. Designating daily time for things that make you live in the moment are super helpful if you can find it in yourself to try.
Writing this is helping me work through the thought process of dealing with some of the same feelings. I hope it helps you to feel a bit better. Just keep trying.

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Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: I'm losing..

Postby Tealeaves » Sat Jan 14, 2023 6:31 am

I wasn't going to respond to this. I saw other people had and what they said is helpful, good stuff but...your story is haunting me so that I can't sleep. I also wasn't going to reply because your case isn't simple and in case I'm wrong, I really don't want to experiment my theory on you, so I'll try to keep my thoughts simple Also, forgive me if I stray, I'm half asleep...the other half being the 'haunted by your story' half.

So life sometimes happens but, there is no pause button. Our brains use depression as a pause button.

That's why when your depressed, you feel a drag or, you can't move...because when you hit pause on a vcr or, a game...it doesn't move...or actually there is a slow play, while paused...but that's getting off subject...or maybe that's the drag...


You know what happened, from day one up until now, you know what happened but, 6 year old you, does not. The moment that happened to you...6 year old you got locked behind a door and still to this day...6 year old you is pawing at the door asking why...and so is 7 year old and 8 year old...
All locked behind doors...still asking why.
You know what happened, you know it was wrong but they don't know...whatever was locked in their head at the time, like them, is still locked up.

So now you, present day, have to have not just control but over control (I call it over functionalizing) and when you don't...your world topples like a jenga tower, all the pieces falling on you...and you relive the pain, all over again.

There are other things I would like to say on the subject like; your stepfather and mother should pay for what they did...especially mother. Whereas it's true that you were young when this first happened, young enough that your stepfather was more your father than step...its mommy dearest, in whom you have a biological connection to. Her allowing that... messed with the jenga tower in your head...and that's not good.
So no, regardless of their reasons, they should both be held accountable. I'm not telling you how, I'm not a professional or, legal or, anything,...so I'm not allowed but still...grrr, I say

Again, there is more I would like to say but here's a big reason why not...your post is old...someone recently commented, which is why it has been moved up front but sadly, no one listened when you needed them.
Of course the blame can't be laid on anyone, the people here do what they can...I've seen the chat...I've seen what they help with...and it's a lot.
...i only hope that just like your post is a few years old...so too are you...a few years older. I hope that you do eventually see this post but, more importantly...I hope that you did not give up.

(Actually, I am wondering if that has to do with the notify box. You have to click that box...to be notified of a response.
And even though that is not the case here...im now wondering if that was, what was haunting me...sorry, I have a weird mind and even weirder for sharing it but...before I went to bed...i already knew that your post was older and probably wouldn't be seen. I had already made the decision, that I was not going to add to this post...hmm

Well thanks to you, I'll be sure to bring it up with moderators/bot/admin...whatever they are called...thank you

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