I read some of your stories here and it does break my heart. I never thought of killing myself when I was young. Though I did have a friend who killed himself. He did it on his birthday while his parents were away on a ski trip. I was with him that night and blamed myself for a long time. When we left his girlfriend screamed at me about what we should do. She came back later that night and crawled through the window to find him dead. He shot himself in the bathtub. It's strange but I think about that, how he wanted to make the clean up easier.
We all took ecstasy at his funeral and got stoned. Damn that was so bizarre. We were really messed up. We thought it was what he wanted. It was New Years Eve as it were. We rented a few rooms at the top of the Embassy Suites and proceeded to get really coked out and more X. I just can't believe this. I guess I share it now. That was 30 years ago.
These kind of episodes cross my mind when I get depressed. Though at my age I feel a little more justified in possibly ending it. No wife, family, or kids. I do have parents and a sibling. But my parents have plenty of money to take care of themselves. My sibling is in a foreign country.
No I'm not going to do it. And neither should you. I'm prepared to suffer even more. Geez I haven't fasted in a long time. You should do that (depending on your disposition). Voluntary suffering can be beneficial. Since I quit doing drugs I used to fast at times to achieve altered states of consciousness. After a few days without food it can get pretty intense. I kind of enjoy that kind of suffering. A week and you can experience hallucinations and altered states. I would wake up gnawing on my pillow.
There's just all kinds of things you can do to make life interesting rather than ending it. Self denial is a good one whether it be fasting or some other form of denying yourself the things you want or normally have. I guess I'm speaking to myself here. It's time to voluntarily suffer for whatever reason. Maybe because it feels good in a certain way.
This is no advice for anyone. I hope you all seek paths of wellness and find the joys in life that are available to you. There is hope beyond the abyss. Many of you are so young and don't have the conception of the primacy of your of your current being.
Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.
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