I want to disappear

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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champagnewaves
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2021 2:25 am

I want to disappear

Postby champagnewaves » Sat Nov 13, 2021 3:22 am

This is my story: Out of desperation for kind words or support, I came here.

Last year, my depression became deeply severe. I live with my mother, and reached out to her several times saying I wanted to be hospitalized for my suicidal thoughts. Because I have no car or drivers license, no support from family, I felt like I had no one to call.

In May of this year, she decided to call the cops on me when I was finally balling my eyes out and screaming in tears. The officer was horrible to me and said "sounds to me like you just have some hormone problems" The Er girl said "Will you shut up?" They both laughed in the midst of my tears, even when i said i felt tormented and humiliated.

My hospital stay was a positive one minus one incident. I met a really sweet guy up there who i felt like I had a lot in common with. He was really cute and in perfect shape, while Im heavy and overweight. I sensed i had no chance with him but at the very least, i just wanted to be his friend, someone for support. He said i could add him on instagram.

Before he left, we discussed group plans in therapy. I mentioned this girl who i met up there who i had a lot in common with and how i wanted to stay in contact with her because she was a kind person. So there i go again. Getting over excited about one glimmer of hope or connection in my life, and i ruined it.

The nurse got very upset with me and practically yelled at me. She said "Dont you dare mention that girl! Dont talk to her or ever bring her up again. You are not allowed to make conne tions with others out of here. Do you understand me?" I felt really embarrassed and stupid, i did not know that was a rule, i apologized but it was very awkward after that.

When i was released from the hospital, i reached out and talked to him but he didnt seem very interested in ever talking to me. This really hurt. Besides that, I had been experiencing depression on a whole new level. I started having chronic horrible nightmares, delusions, hearing voices. I dont know why this suddenly happened out of the blue this year but it did. Seeing colors, hearing sounds, weird smells, feeling demons. It has been horrible. The doctor said i had psychosis.

They put me on a sleep medicine that made me feel very out of it. I was also diagnosed with sleep apnea while i was there. I still have not been able to get a cpap machine because tbe doctor who verified it wont talk to the people with the company who reached out, plus i am on a waiting list and they are in demand due to covid and economy issues.

So in the midst of these nightmares, sleep problems, delusions, dizziness i made a giant mistake. I texted my family at 2 in the morning telling them they were hurtful mean horrible people who were never there for me, and i admitted i was raped in 2008.

My uncle decided to take my messages and save them on his computer hard drive. People made copies and shared them with pretty much every family member. I tried apologizing, trying to explain how it hurt that they said cruel things behind my back last year about me being a lazy loser with no goals, and that being on social security was pathetic. It was then my aunt said she told my cousin, his wife, and sister what i did and they no longer cared about me anymore or wanted anythi g to do with me. Because my phone wad broken at the time and i texted them the mean text at 2 am from my moms phone, they accussed me of holding her hostage. The gossip only got worse.

I only sent that mean text to a few people but suddenly tons of family blocked me on facebook: my nephew, brother in law, step mom, brother, two other cousins, and my cousins husband who i didnt even have on facebook. What did i ever do to them?

I feel completely alone. And if thats not bad enough, my sister and dad court committed me, and i was hospitalized again. In yhe court commital they wrote horrible lies saying i needed to be locked up and permanently instituonlized for the rest of my entire life. My dad lied and said i harrassed the family non stop, and they prayed for me to quit sending them foul messages every day. My dad even said i harrassed my own grandmother! I havent spoken to her in two years! None of this was true. Why are they attacking me!

I cry every day. I had an appointment with a therapist and she canceled on me 3 times, and the fourth time did not even show up. She canceled a half hour after my mom drove me to see her in another town after a waste of gas money, and it was a court ordered appointment.

I feel like ive been alone my whole life, but this takes the cake. I dont want to be alive anymore and im very poor, disabled, chronic back pain. I live in a cock roach infested apartment with a slumlord landlord in a bad neighborhood. The goverment does nothing for people like me. I want to eventually get off disability and move but: section 8s are usually closed, no one will help me move, and to top it off my family made jokes about my sexual abuse. Tell me why i matter. My own mother makes jokes about my sexual abuse. What should i do? No one will help me. My own therapist bailed on me. I am a very sensitive caring person yet, i am eitheir used or abandoned by people.

And if there is one thing i learned from being sexually abused is that my body was good enough to be hurt, because i was pretty and young. Now my body is a old model, a used car. i believe my dad wants me to disappear, men dont care if i die, and my family doesnt either. How does God expect me to function when i am alone and people have zero empathy? Im already scared someone is judging my post right now, saying just lose weight, or you sound like a man hater. I dont hate men, i feel like they just dont care. I wish a man could just see me at least a person, a woman who deserves compassion or hope or a friend. I am losing weight too. lost 50 pounds this year, from depression alone. But even when i was thin , i was used and felt alone too. Will this nighmare ever end?

Beck
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2021 5:16 pm

Re: I want to disappear

Postby Beck » Thu Nov 18, 2021 5:36 pm

Hey! Just wanted u to know I'm sorry u r going thru this. I'm havin one of those days myself. I can go like 2 or 3 days where I'm sorta happy before it wears off. I didn't judge u. With all B's ur goin thru u don't need others pressurin u bout losing weight, being a loser, and havin no goals. I'm ***g homeless. There's days I don't feel like doin shit. Lots of books at my camp so I can just avoid everyone. I hope things start gettin better for ya. U gotta be strong to still believe in god after all u been thru.
Men tell me I'm hot and beautiful. What good is it to be pretty when u get tossed aside like garbage or treated worse than a stranger?


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