All My Thoughts

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Alias
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri May 14, 2021 8:47 pm

All My Thoughts

Postby Alias » Fri May 14, 2021 11:43 pm

Warning -

No details, but a few mentions of suicide

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Promise I'm technically alright, my head just hurts and I want to put my thoughts somewhere.

This is long, it's my rant in the raw. TL;DR at the bottom of post.

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In all honesty, I am pathetic. I'm too self-conscious, chasing an impossible self-image and all around stupid. I don't have thick skin, and that's my problem. I'm young, so apparently that makes me less entitled to feel depressed, and I get it. I was given perfect opportunity, born into a first world country, middle class, the parents did and paid everything for me. Never had to work a job, went to moderately good schools without having to work too hard to make high grades. I am privileged. I am so too privileged and suicide would make me selfish. I am selfish. I was horrible to the people I know, I am selfish. I am guilty. I want to have a good future, but I don't deserve one. I want a steady job, but others deserve it more. They worked harder for it. They would fit that role better. I can't help but feel that I'm doing everything for the wrong reasons. Selfish reasons. I want to die, so I'm selfish.

I am a horrible person. But if I tell anyone that I feel like a horrible person, I'm just too self-centred. Isn't everyone a horrible person in a sense? And now I'm pessimistic. And if I seek help for any suicidal thoughts, it goes on a file somewhere that will bite me back later. I have no reason to have these thoughts, I have such a "perfect" life, if not for a lack of social life. And if I make any attempts on hurting myself in any way, that goes on my file too, if I live. And again it will bite me back later. Then I'm also burden on my parents. They confirmed that I would too. If I die, I was a waste of their time.

There's so many things I can't explain. I'd love to get serious help, anonymously, but they can't help me if I can't sort out myself first. I don't know why I have suicidal thoughts, so I can't explain them. If I can't explain them, people can't help me. Because there is no reason, I must be making it up. Or I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

So here I am, I'm fine. Despite having sort of depression-like feelings for 7 years, some suicidal ideation over these 4 years, and particularly worse this past year, I'm fine. I can't prove that I'm not okay. I never had any attempts. I don't have any complicated family situation or background. I don't have any diagnosis. I'm your average kid that occasionally is anxious, perfectly normal.

But I'm still suicidal, is that normal? Am I really suicidal or have I read too much fiction? Are my thoughts my own? I was written onto; I internalize what people say about me too much. Who am I really? I don't know. What do *I* want? I don't know. I was never allowed to have what I truly wanted.

My desires were always suppressed, so now I'm passive. And I'm tired. I don't care.

And that's a problem too.

I don't want to care anymore.

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TL;DR: I feel pathetic. I think I'm too self-conscious, self-centred and don't have thick skin, so all of these thoughts have resulted:
- I don't think I am allowed to be suicidal because I'm quite young. Plus my life looks great on the outside; privileged, high grades in school, etc
- I'm selfish to feel suicidal. I'm selfish to want a good job. I treated friends poorly too, I'm horrible.
- I want to seek help or I want to die, but if I fail, but it will end up on a file somewhere
- Finding help or wanting to die burdens my parents (they told me this)
- I want help anonymously, but I can't explain why I'm suicidal so no one can help me.
- Without "proof" (diagnosis, etc), I'm just making up any suicidal thoughts.
- I must be fine. Or I pretend I'm fine. I don't even know if I'm even actually suicidal.
- I'm tired and don't want to care anymore.

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