My mom triggers my depression. What do I do?
Posted: Tue May 04, 2021 7:10 pm
I have found the main triggers of my depression and it is my mother. I love her dearly but now that I am in my mid twenties I have realized that the "love" she portrays is toxic. She turns every situation into a negative one and is never satisfied with me or with my choices. She is a single mother so I understand what she had gone through to raise me and what life threw at her during all these years. But I am only human and not a shield.
One day it could be about my body. I am not overweight by any means but she'll pick a time after I eat to say that I am fat (because I am bloated by the food). I'll exercise and she will still say that this part is still fat and etc. I tell her to please stop but sometimes she'll say she's joking and other times she'll say that she just wants me to look pretty. She'll compare me to models and celebrities and tell me "look at the those girls. you should go on a diet and workout more. guys like these types of girls". I am extremely self conscious and have low self esteem. I am working on it but sometimes it's difficult and I revert back to being sad and unconfident.
I am deeply hurt right now. And the most recent trigger would be today. I have been struggling at work because my employer has been overworking me and undervaluing me. I have expressed my anger and stress to her and she takes it well at times trying to comfort me while other times she tells me to suck it up because that's real life. It's true, real life really isn't pretty all the time and so I have been bearing everything in silence. I recently got a job offer and was extremely happy. It was like a small source of light in this darkness. She was happy for me too.......but today she made unnecessary comments that I did not ask for nor did I want to hear. She said, "you need to take this as a lesson and to act differently in your next job. people don't like quiet people. even if you work hard people don't really value that. you need to study more and do better. you can't just stop here because then you'll end up like me". She has been pushing me to go to grad school and get certificates on her timeline. She expects me to get things done by Sep. and says this to me at least a few times a week. She fails to see how hard I am trying right now and even if she does she invalidates it. She could be afraid of me failing since she had it rough in her life but it is wrong to project that onto me. I can't even enjoy or celebrate this small accomplishment without feeling belittled, incompetent, and exhausted. Sometimes I think that if I leave this world I wouldn't feel all this pain and sadness. It's selfish......but it's getting very difficult to bear.
The conflict here is that I know I could never get myself to leave and live independently. She is far too emotionally dependent and leaving her alone will drive her to insanity. She has no family and almost no friends. If I grew up in a normal family with a dad and siblings I would be able to live my life freely. But I cannot here. Although I am not responsible for my mother's happiness, her sacrifice for me is the reason why I still live with her at 25.
Sometimes I don't want to get married because I know it's super hard to find someone who is willing to live my mom. She is already difficult to deal with right now...... better for me to deal with this alone.
I would never want to be reborn as human. Life is too sad and hard.
One day it could be about my body. I am not overweight by any means but she'll pick a time after I eat to say that I am fat (because I am bloated by the food). I'll exercise and she will still say that this part is still fat and etc. I tell her to please stop but sometimes she'll say she's joking and other times she'll say that she just wants me to look pretty. She'll compare me to models and celebrities and tell me "look at the those girls. you should go on a diet and workout more. guys like these types of girls". I am extremely self conscious and have low self esteem. I am working on it but sometimes it's difficult and I revert back to being sad and unconfident.
I am deeply hurt right now. And the most recent trigger would be today. I have been struggling at work because my employer has been overworking me and undervaluing me. I have expressed my anger and stress to her and she takes it well at times trying to comfort me while other times she tells me to suck it up because that's real life. It's true, real life really isn't pretty all the time and so I have been bearing everything in silence. I recently got a job offer and was extremely happy. It was like a small source of light in this darkness. She was happy for me too.......but today she made unnecessary comments that I did not ask for nor did I want to hear. She said, "you need to take this as a lesson and to act differently in your next job. people don't like quiet people. even if you work hard people don't really value that. you need to study more and do better. you can't just stop here because then you'll end up like me". She has been pushing me to go to grad school and get certificates on her timeline. She expects me to get things done by Sep. and says this to me at least a few times a week. She fails to see how hard I am trying right now and even if she does she invalidates it. She could be afraid of me failing since she had it rough in her life but it is wrong to project that onto me. I can't even enjoy or celebrate this small accomplishment without feeling belittled, incompetent, and exhausted. Sometimes I think that if I leave this world I wouldn't feel all this pain and sadness. It's selfish......but it's getting very difficult to bear.
The conflict here is that I know I could never get myself to leave and live independently. She is far too emotionally dependent and leaving her alone will drive her to insanity. She has no family and almost no friends. If I grew up in a normal family with a dad and siblings I would be able to live my life freely. But I cannot here. Although I am not responsible for my mother's happiness, her sacrifice for me is the reason why I still live with her at 25.
Sometimes I don't want to get married because I know it's super hard to find someone who is willing to live my mom. She is already difficult to deal with right now...... better for me to deal with this alone.
I would never want to be reborn as human. Life is too sad and hard.