What is left?

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Pakky25
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Mar 27, 2021 5:13 am

What is left?

Postby Pakky25 » Sat Mar 27, 2021 5:40 am

Apologise in advance for what will be a long post. If someone here publishes a shorter, more urgent text than this, give that your love and attention instead.

To anyone that has the stamina to read this rambling mess, my reason for posting this is that the suicidal thoughts tha have been on my mind for years have gone from an abstract mental experiment to something I might actually do. The last few days I've spent endless hours crying and begging the voices in my head to please stop telling me what a worthless, stupid waste of breath I am. To please stop reminding me that I've never amounted to anything, that nothing can change, that my relationships with everyone I've ever loved has withered away. Please stop? Because i'm tired, alone, feel nothing but grief and selfhate and agree with everything the voices tells me.

How did I end up here?

Ever since my pre-teenage years connections with other people has been an almost insourmantable challenge. The few friends I had as a child thought I was weird, boring and most of all replacable. It never really mattered if I came to a hangout or not. I might as well have not been there.

Starting High School I thought could be a fresh start. Maybe I would manage to make the connections I hungered for. The first year I mostly spent miserable and alone. No matter what I've did, no matter what advice I followed. The second year I more or less started to accept this inability as a core part of myself. This might just be who I am. Perhaps all I can do is to come to terms with an unhappy and lonely life? There are several people all over the globe suffering way worse than me, this could just be the role I've been assigned to. Then I met someone who truly made me happy. She is to this day the most beautful, life affirming and wonderful person I've ever met. To just grind through the day wasn't good enough anymore. I wanted, no needed to be better. It didn't matter. The same pattern repeated itself. We developed a friendship, but in the end it meant little for her. I love her but to her i'm little more than someone that's nice to see once in a while.

I ended the High School years 10 times more misserable than I began them.

This inability to be anything but wasted time for almost everyone that has meant something for me has been the cause of much of my despair. I said "almost everyone" because there's one person I've allways managed to be meaningful for: my mom. She is still the only one I'm sure I had a meaningful emotional connection with. We have understood each other so easily, have laughed so much together. No matter how shit my life were I could always call or see her. Sure, we drew each other crazy too but being with her was one of the few places I felt safe and calm.

Last year she died after a decade long fight with cancer. In an instance, I lost half my heart.

The girl I loved and my unrequited feelings towards her was one of the few things that did not make me cave in to despair completely. We kept in touch after High School. Got closer. My feelings for her deepened. The other night she cheerily told me she has entered a relationship with someone else. She has moved on, i’m dead stuck in the same spot but more alone than ever before. This is what finally broke me completely.

In the meantime the years have just passed by. The time when you are supposed to ”be happy”, to ”discover yourself” and ”the world” just slipped by.

Whatever spark I managed to keep alive is now snuffed out completely. I really, really tried to hold on to what was good. Tried to break the patterns. But everytime they repeat. I can never really feel safe and strong with anyone. The loneliness, my replacability, always creeps back. I’ve stopped regarding these as feelings and more like ”truths”; What the few friends I have left would really tell me if they dared. Whatever makes other people connect just doesn’t seem to be built in to me. That is the voices favorite insult to me: a broken clock. Something that had missing parts from the getgo. Something that perhaps could have been whole but never managed to take the right oppurtunity towards it. I believe they are correct. The more I look back at my life, so much feels like it was inevetable.

In many ways I’m more priviliged than most. As a white caucasion 25 years old man in one of the richest and most progressive countries in the world I’ve never suffered the horrors of racism and poverty. My childhood has been safe and good apart from the crushing loneliness outside my family home. Many reading this might regard me as a priviliged stuck up that needs to get his shit together. Someone that needs to realise that a lot of people are worse of and my comfort would many kill over. You are not wrong and these are lines of thinking that has sometimes helped me to get out of bed when nothing else worked.

But I don’t care anymore.

The grief from my mother, the loneliness, my inability to change while everyone else I love moves on. They all add up to a life that I feel I cannot take another day of. Seeing a therapist feels more than pointless. Talk about my problems? Finding ways for me to ”manage” my anxeity? Thanks, that still leaves me lonely, replacable and boring. Treating the symptoms while leaving the causes to continue rotting away. Holding on to the laughable belief that things will get better? Been there done that for my entire life.

For anyone that wonders, I’ve probably tried anything you will propose as a help: Physical training,meditation, reading, closing down social media, eating well etc.

By this point i’m tired. Just so very tired. Since nothing gets better what is left to hold on to? The little good things are so small and far between they don’t make a difference in the broken, lonely, boring mess that is my life.

To anyone with the patience to have gone through this long ass post, I can only thankyou for your time and to wish that whatever you are going through will get better.

****Clarification: I know the voices in are just in my head. I have no problem to recognise what is ”real”.

PaulaR1
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2021 11:17 am

Re: What is left?

Postby PaulaR1 » Sun Mar 28, 2021 11:40 am

Pakky25, I hear your deep pain, overwhelming grief and frustration with life. I'm sorry that your mother died. I'm concerned about you, knowing how hopeless you are feeling at the moment.

CamGirl
Posts: 143
Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:04 am

Re: What is left?

Postby CamGirl » Tue Mar 30, 2021 9:47 am

Hi. I'm sorry for all the pain you're feeling. I hope, somehow, you find this forum useful. We may not be able to carry your burden with you, but know that you will be in my prayers. Stay strong and keep on fighting.

dc123!!
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2021 7:07 pm

Re: What is left?

Postby dc123!! » Tue Mar 30, 2021 7:52 pm

Dear Pakky 25, I feel your pain as you so well described it in your post. I will tell you I have also suffered much myself and for the last 34 years have suffered from schizophrenia. What you have written sounds overwhelming. Yet without knowing from my end what I may say now elsewise , I only wish I could be of some help if I knew some concrete detail which we could correspond about that would help me to relate more.

apshwin71
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Mar 25, 2021 12:37 am

Re: What is left?

Postby apshwin71 » Wed Mar 31, 2021 6:56 am

Hey,
its bad that you have gone through such a bad phase and are still continuing.
i know therapist give all type of help they can but we are just those $100 per hour bills to them. i wouldnt give you any advice of gym, meditation etc etc, but i think you should pack your bags and head for a solo trip to a country you have never been before.

there is also a psychaitrist, aint a normal one, this one is homeopathic psychiatrist. i have taken my treatment, the things that allopathy couldn't solve this does. may be you can take an appointment and have a discussion. im not any way promoting, but it has helped me, so just a thought if you wana try.

PaulaR1
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2021 11:17 am

Re: What is left?

Postby PaulaR1 » Thu Apr 01, 2021 1:33 am

Pakky25, How are you feeling? I’m sending positive thoughts your way...

CamGirl
Posts: 143
Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:04 am

Re: What is left?

Postby CamGirl » Fri Apr 02, 2021 12:59 am

Hey Pakky25, just checking up on you. How are you? Hope everything is going well. Keep us posted.

Pakky25
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Mar 27, 2021 5:13 am

Re: What is left?

Postby Pakky25 » Sun Apr 04, 2021 5:24 am

Hello everyone.

Sorry for the long radio silence. I hope I haven't worried you too much. I'll try to do better moving forward.

I'll try to give a general reply to each of you:

CamGirl wrote:Hey Pakky25, just checking up on you. How are you? Hope everything is going well. Keep us posted.


PaulaR1 wrote:Pakky25, How are you feeling? I’m sending positive thoughts your way...


Thanks to you both for your support and for trying to check up on me. For these last few days I think I've been in a bit more stable place. I hesitate to say that I feel "better" because everything is still simmering under the surface but at least I've not spent endless hours crying.
This stability may in part come from the fact that I've started on medication for my anxeity. So no real change in attitude or how I look on life but at least I'm a bit more numb towards my worst thoughts.

dc123!! wrote:Dear Pakky 25, I feel your pain as you so well described it in your post. I will tell you I have also suffered much myself and for the last 34 years have suffered from schizophrenia. What you have written sounds overwhelming. Yet without knowing from my end what I may say now elsewise , I only wish I could be of some help if I knew some concrete detail which we could correspond about that would help me to relate more.


I'm so, so sorry to hear this. How are you managing now? Thankyou for your concern and support.

apshwin71 wrote:Hey,
its bad that you have gone through such a bad phase and are still continuing.
i know therapist give all type of help they can but we are just those $100 per hour bills to them. i wouldnt give you any advice of gym, meditation etc etc, but i think you should pack your bags and head for a solo trip to a country you have never been before.

there is also a psychaitrist, aint a normal one, this one is homeopathic psychiatrist. i have taken my treatment, the things that allopathy couldn't solve this does. may be you can take an appointment and have a discussion. im not any way promoting, but it has helped me, so just a thought if you wana try.


Thanks for understanding. It's funny. You are the second person in these last few days to suggest I should head for a random solo trip. The thought is both liberating and suffocationg for me. Liberating in the sense that I put myself in a position where anything could happen, suffocating becausewhen I've tried similliar things in the past they seldom end well. Thanks for the tip anyway. Regarding your therapist, despite what I wrote I've decided to give a therapist in my hometown a shot. Not sure it will help, but since it feels nothing will I might aswell try while I'm still around.

PaulaR1
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2021 11:17 am

Re: What is left?

Postby PaulaR1 » Sun Apr 04, 2021 12:25 pm

Pakky25, it’s good to hear from you and to know you are feeling a bit better.

CamGirl
Posts: 143
Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:04 am

Re: What is left?

Postby CamGirl » Fri Apr 09, 2021 6:02 am

Hi there! Great to hear from you. I'm glad that you are better. Whatever it is, if it makes you feel better, then it's good. I wish you continue to feel that way. I'm having bad days as well, but I try to keep a positive mind (kid you not, it takes like every inch of my soul to do that) cause I don't have a choice but to move on. I just think that if I'm moving forward, I might as well choose to be positive about it than nurture the darkness that hovers around me every time.


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