Drowning

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Orchaid Lover
Posts: 30
Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:47 am

Drowning

Postby Orchaid Lover » Tue Dec 08, 2020 4:23 am

I've had depression for a long time. For as long as I can remember, though I was officially diagnosed just a few years ago. I like to think that I got better but honestly I think I just got better about hiding it. My family didn't handle things very well, honestly I think the only reason that believe that I had depression was because I had made an attempt on my life. I got treatment for a while and reached a point where my doctors felt I was good on my own. And after that it was like my mental illnesses didn't exist anymore. My family wanted to pretend that I'm normal, happy. And they expect me to pretend the same thing because admitting that I'm struggling is too inconvenient for them.
They haven't mentioned my suicide attempt in three years and on the rare occasion my depression or anxiety come up they dismiss it or refer to it as past tense. Only for me it isn't past tense. It's still present and sometimes it feels like I'm drowning because of it. I know that all of this isn't easy for them to accept and that as far as they're concerned I should just shut up about it and fake being perfect. I just... I don't know how to be perfect or normal.
When I made the attempt, the first thing everyone talked to me about was how it had affected them. It's all any of them talked about. How hard it was for them. And maybe it was to get me to see that other people cared about me and depended on me but not once did any of them ask how I was doing with it. They didn't care that it wasn't easy on me either, or that I couldn't handle them making me feel guilty about putting them through that and the cost of getting me treatment. So I learned to just go back to keeping it to myself because it's better for everyone else that way.
And I'm trying to be normal I really am. I just don't know how to do that. And I am just so tired. All the time I'm tired of trying to keep my head above water. I just want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop feeling like I'm just a huge disappointment, like I'm a burden. I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to feel like everyone would be better off if I were just gone.
I think of all the people who have it worse than me and they continued to fight against their circumstances while I just want to give up. I know that it's messed up and twisted but I feel like I don't deserve to have depression, like I'm not worthy of it because I haven't endured any of the hardships that so many people in the world go through. Like I said, it's twisted. How lowly do you have to think of yourself to think that you aren't worthy of depression? I hate that I feel that way because it's true. What right do I have to be depressed? I should be happy and normal just like my family wants.
I really wish that I could be. I want it more than anything. To be happy... I think that maybe I don't deserve it, because I'm weak. Not because I have depression, but because I was just born weak. Like the member of the herd that gets picked off by predators. The easy mark. I'm weak in the head, too messed up to ever be useful.
I think that some of us, people that is, that we're broken, too broken to be fixed. I think that I'm one of them, and that maybe a long time ago I could have been saved, could have been fixed, but no one bothered and now it's too late.
I don't have any fancy words to end this post. I just made because sometimes it helps me feel a little better to write all this stuff down, to have the words out there someone in the world and to have someone else know about what I'm going through. And it's easier for me to tell people I don't know, I guest because nothing is expected of me and I'm allowed to just feel all of it instead of trying to hide everything away.
Thanks for reading.

CamGirl
Posts: 143
Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:04 am

Re: Drowning

Postby CamGirl » Tue Dec 08, 2020 7:16 am

Hello there. Thank you for sharing your story. I agree that most often than not, it is much more comfortable to pour out our feelings with strangers because there wouldn't be any judgment especially in places like this where we understand each other. It is hard to expect everyone around us to understand what we are going through and as much as we don't it, we couldn't help but feel what we feel.

Continue to be strong and try to find happiness from simple things like reading a book, painting, or caring for a pet.

Wish you well!


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